feeling guilty, confused, like I lost my identity
I am new here. I am in a situation I'm not sure I want - didn't ever want, I think. I have a BD 14 months old and 3 skids 7, 9 & 12. (i am not married to the dad yet - we keep saying we're going to do it but keep putting it off) I was madly in love with this man and how he was with his kids so when I got pregnant unexpectantly, I was scared but thrilled because we had already talked about our future - it was just happening sooner than we thought. The kids are really pretty great for everything they've been through, but I still can't bring myself to love them. Honestly most of the time I just can't stand them. I don't even know why. Their dad, I've realized is more of a friend than a dad, so there isn't much disipline, or, chores being done, picking up after themselves. I keep asking him to sit down with me so that we can discuss all this and define our roles in the family so that I can better understand where I stand, what is expected and I can voice what I want. I've been asking this for almost 2 years. Oh I'm also a stay-at-home mom right now because our BD was in the hospital a lot the first year. I feel like a maid, a nanny. All my energy goes to taking care of my 14 months BD and cleaning up after, driving around, feeding the other three. I'm exhausted and ready to break down. The dad is very sensitive about his kids so if i say i am feeling overwhelmed or angry or anything he takes it personally so i feel i can't talk to him about the issues in our home and I'm just feeling so lonely and stuck and worthless - like all I'm good for anymore is taking acre of all these people - and I do a terrible job at that right now. I used to be fun and now i can barely smile. I don't want my own daughter being raised by the person I am right now. I feel like a monster. I've been hoping that I can fake it till I make it but it's still not working!!! Has this worked for anyone else? I don't know what to do, I don't want to give up but I also think about leaving all the time- but it feels selfish and I don't have a dime to my name anyway - since I haven't been working he has all control over money. I know probably sounds like a pity party here but I'm writing it anyway cuz that's where I am and maybe I'll hear some good things back. Thanks.
A lot of people talk about
A lot of people talk about disengaging and I myself am a huge fan of it but it doesn't work in all situations. Your H works so u can stay home with BD and in order to make that work you must help with his kids. Maybe putting your BD in daycare so you can work...even if it's part time...just to get away and feel like something more than everyone's maid would be helpful. Daycare would likely cost whatever you make so it might not be an option. I don't know what to say about your H, when we can't talk to them rationally or get them to acknoweledge our feelings then that is a very lonely place to be. I'm sorry, I hope you find something that helps...if u do, don't forget to share the info with the rest of us
Raising another person's
Raising another person's children, who hasnt given them up for adoption, isnt something that anyone dreams about... it just happens and you make the best of it. What it sounds like to me is that you are already in the situation honey whether you like it or not and if you dont want another woman to be in that situation with your infant someday, then you gotta stay in that situation. I think maybe its all just sinking in... give yourself some time.
I know how you feel too.
I know how you feel too. There are some days where I feel "lost" but then I leave the skids with DH and do something for myself such as go to the gym or grab a coffee and a book. It's only a couple hours but that is something we HAVE to do for each other - he likes to go drive around in his very nice car with the posh sound system playing Tchaikovsky. This way we keep our identities but are still there for the children.
As Iwishyouwould said, you sound like you are already doing this job as it is ...
For me, I love DH so much that raising the skids, although painful at times, is worth the grief because they are little versions of him. Unfortunately, if he passes on, I won't have anything of him as the skids are not my children. I can only hope to raise them enough to develop a relationship with them that when the time comes, I WILL have something of him through them.
This has been true for me. SS
This has been true for me. SS and I usually get along very well and can actually talk about anything-- with genuine interest. We laugh together. I feel closer to him and can even dole out guidance and even a lecture or two. If SD and I go at it.. he pulls back from our relationship.
That's the kicker" "They
That's the kicker" "They really do not know who we are" .
If we are the cold heartless thoughtless bitches that they think we are, we wouldn't feel or care... with the intensity that we do.
Welcome to the pity party. A
Welcome to the pity party.
A few months ago DH said to me that I am not the same person he married. I said, your just noticing this now? I am not as carefree. I have shut part of myself off from the rejection, his passive involvement in our family and his SD-- the day in and day out bull chit.
He told me that I cannot go through life like this. Oh, really? And you and SD can? Why do I have to change, again. Instead of nagging and bitching, I disengaged. He calls it distant. Okay fair enough. Distant. I can only change my behavior and how I respond to others behavior. He should focus on what he can change-- his behavior and how he responds. A good place to start IMO, is how he responds to SD.
Flash forward: I placed my anniversary card on my dresser and a picture of us. (I usually keep photos on our photo table.) He noticed asked why. I said as a daily reminder why I got into this mess.
Last night we were walking past a movie theater showing "Eat, Pray, Love." I said I would like to see that... He said let's do it.. Ahh.. it's chick flick.. I explain. He thinks it's sounds interesting. I say I will probably cry through the whole movie... and head out for Italy... He responds: as long as you don't go to Bali.. that would be just fine.
I am working on getting myself back.
I definately know how you
I definately know how you feel...I have bad days and good. Sometimes I feel lost like why am I here and other days I feel like I belong. In my case..I have to deal with a very difficult child of my SO full time and I have learned to disengage from her when she is being out of control. There are days when I just don't think I can take it any longer. I know that I can never "love" her but I do care...I am just helpless because I can do nothing but sit back and watch. I also believe that a family should be unit...the man and women are the decision makers and no one is deemed first in anyone's life. Priorities in a family should be on a need be basis. In my case though, that is not how it is. The child is the center of his universe...her needs and wants come first and not on a need be basis it is all the time. I know that if I continue on in this relationship it will always be that way even when she is grown because the way she is raised she will never be a productive adult so he will always have to take care of her.
Disengage when things get rough...don't feel bad about not being able to love your SK...you sound like a very nice person. Don't beat yourself up.
wow what a great feeling to
wow what a great feeling to get all these responses!!! thank you all so much. just to know i'm not alone, crazy, or a mean jerk for feeling this way is such a relief and gives me hope. i guess there will always be good and bad days. i don't realy understand what disengaging is exactly so i'm going to look into that.