Feeling closer to one SS3 than the other
Ok, so this is my first post and I'm really nervous about it. DH has two sons, both aged 3--not twins. I always feel awkward about this part, but essentially DH had just gotten out of the Army and went a bit crazy with freedom, resulting in two children. Both were the results of friends with benefits type of situations, although one turned into a relationship after they learned of the pregnancy. Both boys are wonderful and sweet and there have honestly been no problems between me and them or me and their mothers. One of the mothers I even count as a friend.
But my question is this: is it ok to feel closer to one of my SS than the other one. The slightly older one is the cute, precocious type that everyone instantly falls in love with. The slightly younger one is a bit more difficult. But, if I'm totally honest, I feel more connected to him. He has a few behavioral issues and has some speech difficulties, but he is smart as a whip. I hesitantly mentioned feeling closer to younger SS to my DH and he said he'd noticed it too. He says I tend to seek him out to play more often than the older one and just tend to be nearer physically to him. He didn't seem to think that there was anything wrong with this.
My personal theory is that my MIL heavily, heavily favors the older son and she handles a lot of the child care as my DH and I live in a different state because I am a Ph.D. student at a university there. (We drive there about two weekends a month, so DH still gets most of his court mandated visitation time). Anyway, when I was growing up, my maternal grandmother cared for my sister and me after school every day and was a massive part of our daily lives. And she heavily favored me. I could do no wrong and my sister could do no right. It worked out well for me at the time, but it wrecked havoc on the relationship between me and my sister, and on my sister's sense of self-worth. We are both in our late twenties now(me fast approaching 30) and are just now repairing the schism in our relationship, which we think was largely based on her resentment of my grandmother's favoritism of me and my refusal to acknowledge that it was even happening.
So, basically, I feel like I've been here before. And I hear my MIL say positive things about my older SS, while in the same breath, putting down my younger SS. And it makes my blood run cold (I'm only being slightly hyperbolic). At any rate, my theory is that I gravitate towards my younger SS, because I'm trying to compensate for the favoritism his grandmother gives to his brother. My DH thinks its just because, being a highly educated person, I can tell that my younger SS is smarter than his older brother and I gravitate towards that. And despite saying that, my DH also favors his older son, though I've never mentioned it him before.
I'm just concerned about what the boys' relationship will be like when my younger SS is old enough to start picking up on the favoritism. So, basically, I'm asking if it is ok if I show extra attention to younger SS to try to make up for this disparity or if the entire situation is destined for trouble. Or if I should try to be equally attached to both and let DH, MIL and the BMs deal with whatever issues the favoritism brings about.
I'm not sure if you can tell
I'm not sure if you can tell in 3 year olds if one will really be smarter than the other, I do think you might just like him better for all the other reasons you mentioned. I think you might be looking into this a bit too much. They aren't your children, in the long run I don't think it will mean much to either if you favored one over the other. They have different mothers so outside of being at your house they don't see much of each other do they? I wouldn't worry about it. It may come up when they are older, but it may not. I would say if you are truely worried about it then stop that behavior before they are old enough to realize what that behavior is.
Honestly, to me they seem
Honestly, to me they seem equally smart and curious about the world. My DH is the one who suggested that younger SS is smarter and I guess I just took his word at it. And no, they don't see that much of each other right now, but eventually they will go to the same schools and such. Also, DH harbors fantasies of them being as close as regular brothers. (My father has two half-brothers that he thinks of exactly the same as full brothers, but it was a bit of a different situation--his father had full custody of the older boys (their mother was out of the picture), so he grew up with them and didn't realize they were half-brothers until he was around 12).
And what kind of behavior exactly do you mean? The favoritism behavior? I've been brainstorming ways to subtly bring up the mess my grandmother made of my sister and my relationship to my MIL, without it being obvious what I'm saying.
Anyway, thanks so much for the help. I am notorious for overthinking things.
I guess I should amend my previous questions to say "Should I just try to be a supportive extra adult in their lives and stop worrying about these other things (aka projecting my sister and my troubles on two three year olds)?
Thanks so much for the
Thanks so much for the welcome!
The long term effects are really what I'm concerned about. I'm trying not to project too much of my sister and my difficulties on the boys, but while my sister is an absolutely extraordinary woman, I don't think her reaction to being the less favored child is that abnormal. I also worry that maybe I'm being hyper sensitive to this given my experience.
Every time I've brought it up with DH, he says he's sure his mother's behavior will dissipate over time, but I'm not so sure. Another complication is that, apart from this issues, I idolize his mother. She's accomplished all of the things careerwise that I hope to someday. So, its been hard for me to realize that she isn't perfect and that she may actually be damaging the boys.
Anyway, I will try again to talk to DH and try to bring up his own behavior, but the thought of it is sort of scary and difficult. But I absolutely don't want the same for the boys as what my sister and I had. I've talked to my mom about my worries, and she said that she and my dad tried to address it, but eventually had to try to separate my grandmother from us as much as feasible.
Anyway, thanks so much for the response.
Sorry for the delay. One
Sorry for the delay. One mother I genuinely like and consider somewhat a friend--facebook friends, occasional facebook chats, etc. (Though nothing too deep, because I realize how quickly this sort of thing can sour.) The other mother I do not have any relationship with at all. I have never even met her and I have heard her shrieking expletives about me to my DH over the phone, though she has periods in which she is a perfectly reasonable person. So, I've really been unable to form an informed opinion about her, because certainly my DH is not an objective source.
And you can probably guess which SS belongs to which mom, and you'd be totally right. "Friend Mom" is younger SS's mother and "No-relationship Mom" is older SS's mother.
I do want to be clear though that I don't dislike my older SS. He's a sweet, adorable, caring boy and I love being around him. It's just that I feel like his brother is getting the short end of the stick here.