I think you are right. If they are disrespecting you she needs to talk with them. If you are their stepdad, you have the right to talk with them. Do not put up with their crap.

She may see what is going on with them but as most mothers do she is protecting them.
I know this is wrong but easy for us to do.
Especially if she feels you may compare them to your bio children.
I would sit down and explain that you only want the best for them but you need to be treated with respect.

Good luck

Oh my friend how I feel your pain...I can say that one of the hardest things you may ever do in life is be a step parent. That being said you as an adult in the house you and your wife have bought have every right to have rules and have them be enforced. Make sure rules apply the same to everyone and you will not be able to het the "You treat my kid worse than your kid" bs. And let the wife know that even if she doesnt see it, that whatever is bothering you IS important enough to be dealt with and sh has a choice...she can either handle it or you can handle ot. There is no other option because any other action shows the child how to do and get what they want. Good Luck!

It is up to your DW to stop the crap...I do not let my son disrepect my BF...I have a zero tolerance for it. My son is 14 and was not that way at 11 at all. If this boy is this way at 11, just imagine what the future have in store if it is not nipped in the bud. JMO

Farmer,

Welcome to the S-Talker community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others dealing with the blended family stuff.

I have been Dad (Step) to my SS-17 since he was 1yo. I feel your frustration. Generally my wife and I have been in agreement that our marriage is the core of our family and gets priority over our son (my SS). Our son is a beneficiary of the adult relationship (our marriage) but he is not part of it.

SS is an only child in our home so we do not have the your's Vs mine issues to deal with that you and your Wife do.

I have two recommendations for you.

First and most imporatantly is that you are an equity parent in your home regardless of who's kids are the focus of that parenting. The same applies to your wife. Decisions that impact your home/marriage/family you both have an equity say in. When I asked his Mom to marry me, I agreed to be my SS's Dad. Though I have no biokids to compare, I am his Dad and I have a responsibility to do what I can to raise him to viable adulthood.

Second and most powerful is ....... Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. Deal with your Skid based on the facts of his behavior. Period. If he is a liar and a thief then those are the facts of his behavior and you should parent him from that perspective. Do what you can to keep judgement and drama out of how you deal with his behavior.

My own SS has an issue with telling people what he thinks they want to hear Vs the truth ..... and he is extremely lazy and has difficulty making viable decisions. But, none of those things cannot be fixed by 4 years in the Marine Corps. As my Marine father has stated alarm clocks are not needed in the Marine Corps.

Though not without a few heated and unpleasant discussions, my wife and I came to clarity on these two things early in our marriage. I am his Dad and I get an equity opinion to that of my wife (SpermDad has not earned the right to an opinion so we pretty much just tell him what he will do and when he will do it). And ......... we focus on the facts of our Son's behavior. Though we may be disappointed in some of the things that he does, we focus on the facts and tailor our parenting to the facts of his behavior.

Coming to mutual clarity on these two items may help quite a bit with you and your Wife respecting each other's perspective on how you will jointly deal with your SS and your Wife's Skids. You are both Bio and Step Parents. That has to be a challenge.

Welcome, good luck and best regards.

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

You may have to think about disengaging. That's what I had to do in order to save my sanity. Since I have found I have absolutely no say and was ordered not to discipline. I ignore his behavior and go one with my life. I am not his parent (don't want to be) therefore it is not my responsibility how he turns out as an adult. I used to try - but like I said I had to give up for my own sanity. I now just leave, go and do my own thing when he is treating me like crap, lying etc.

Yep DH deals with everything that has to do with skids - I step over messes and keep going, I don't leave anything of value to me out where they can see or touch it. It's just easier for me, maybe not for you. I have learned to ignore everything that SS and other skids do that get on my nerves. Although to be honest there are still some things that do get to me, I will just keep repeating to myself, not my kid, not my problem.

Good luck, it takes practice, but it has saved my sanity, what there is left.