Disney without SK

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My husband has been away for months and is finally coming home next month. We (our 2 bio kids & myself) are going to pick him up and drive to Disney Land to celebrate. We are not taking my SD. She is 8 and we only have her one night every other weekend (if she comes). She came on her first trip ever with us a few months ago when we went to visit my husband. It was 4 days. She threw a fit about being away from her mom, crying to go home, etc. I understand it was her first time away, but, this is a much longer trip (10 days) and to be honest, myself and the boys just want to enjoy our time with my husband/their dad. My oldest feels she doesn't miss him like they have (she's had a man she calls daddy in her life since she was 3 months old but that's another story). My husband agreed not to bring her this time, but, moving forward he does want to start including her in more trips now that her mom "says it's okay." My problem is, the weekend she is supposed to come over, we will be picking up my husband/on our trip. I plan on asking BM if we can swap & have her the following weekend, that way my husband can see her right away when we get back, but, im stressed she's going to say that SD mentioned a trip and bring it up. To be clear, I'd never want to rub it in her face we are going but I think she overheard my youngest talking about it. It's too late now to even include her anyways as there are no more flights that match ours (because I have looked), but, just wondering if anyone has dealt with this? I don't want to tell BM it's none of her business, but would rather approach it gently if she does bring it up.

ETA

I do not feel guilty for not taking her, just more so worried about the fact that I think she knows and may bring it up and she is in fact not going. She goes on trips with her mom, such is life in a blended family and yes, we finally believe we can start taking her on trips (her mom has been against us since birth) but she's never known about trips beforehand which is where I struggle with confrontation with her mom.

Skids with a visitation

Skids with a visitation schedule miss things on both ends, and experience things on both ends. Niether side should change what they do when the Skid is with the opposition.

For the first few years of our marriage my DW would get very morose and be upset when my family would have trips and events when SS was in SpermLand on SpermClan visitation.

I finally reached my limit and informed her that I would no longer forego my family's activities because SS was in SpermLand. She could either join me on those trips or I would go without her. I wanted her with me on those trips. She is an integral part of my family. My parents love her to death, my niece and nephews love her to death and she and my brother and my SIL are close.

The first trip we did when SS was on visitation to SpermLand was a trip to the Carolina coast. We had a good time though my DW did have several periods of that trip where she was very quiet and would walk the beach separate from the rest of the family. I did say something to her and told her that if we did anything that we thought SS would have enjoyed, we could do those things with him on our pwn vacation sometime. I had to ask her not to negatively impact my families vacations though I understood that she missed SS. We all did.

While I understand that Skids on visitation miss out on things and that they can be missed when they are with the other side, I have never understood why anyone would refuse to do things when a Skid is gone.

smh

I think the OP indicated SK

I think the OP indicated SK was supposed to be with them the weekend they were planning to go to DL. She was planning on swapping weekends specifically to avoid bringing SD.

Honestly it feels like you are deliberately excluding SD. I guess it's up to your DH but if he's fine with it, then go ahead.

I missed that part. Thanks

I missed that part. Thanks for pointing it out.

I know that kids miss things

I know that kids miss things with their bios because of scheduling.. but it seems to me that there should be some effort to make it possible for them to be included on family trips... especially big trips like a disney one.

It sounds like her dad is getting precious little visitation and I'm not sure why he wouln't want to have the opportunity to have a longer stretch occasionally for a vacation.

The thing is that if she acts up on vacation.. it's his issue to deal with.. you can go off with the other kids so it doesn't have to ruin your trips too.

I would prefer to see an attempt to include his daughter more.. but ultimately if he wants to exclude her too.. I don't think he should be surprised when he has a resentful older child/adult who felt abandoned.

And especially at age 8

When a DL trip could be a really cool experience. If the SD were 16 or 17, and was only coming around every couple of weeks, then yeah no problem, leave her behind and let her do a trip with BM.

But telling an 8 year old that her father and half-siblings are going to Disneyland without her, and that she needs to wait a week to see her father because of the trip they are going on without her, is really cruel.

And 8 year olds do act up from time to time, especially vacations where they get hot/cold/hungry/tired...so DH should attend to her when she fusses but that isnt' a reason to exclude her.

I think you just have to own

I think you just have to own the fact that you excluded SD, it will likely hurt her feelings, and it will likely piss off BM. With your DH being the NCP, he doesn't have to take his visitation. BM also doesn't have to make accommodations for him, either.

There is likely no way to get out of this without repercussions. Just have your DH tell BM that he can't take SD this weekend and he can choose how much he discloses. If you don't feel guilty, then you can be honest. If you can't be honest, then you probably feel guilty. Own it.

I agree with this ^

If you don't feel guilty, then you can be honest. If you can't be honest, then you probably feel guilty.

I thought the same thing reading that myself. I think OP feels some guilt which is why she doesn't want SD to say anything to BM.

I'm not sure if it will piss off BM or not though, since it sounds like BM has been opposed to them taking SD on trips until recently. More likely it will give BM great ammunition to amp up PAS on SD - i.e. 'See, SD? They don't really want you around at all...'

I just read your post from

I just read your post from 2016, and I'm confused. How many children does your DH have?

SD is 8 yo and cannot stand

SD is 8 yo and cannot stand to be away from her mother. It's sad you find yourself with this problem but it was 8 years in the making. By her mother. Let this be a lesson to them both (BM and SD) that when you make it difficult for your child to have a good relationship with the other parent, there will be consequences. I doubt BM would let her go for the entire time anyways and there will be drama. Enjoy the trip without her, bring her a souvenir for your house and realize this is a part of blended family life.

I'm confused too. In your

I'm confused too. In your other post from 2016, you say that your stepchild is a boy.

Do you have 2 stepchildren? Your story is confusing, or......?

Sometimes people change the

Sometimes people change the gender of their SKs for anonymity, but later feel comfortable enough to use the correct gender, or age, or other characteristic that they changed.

Right...

I understand your desire to

I understand your desire to exclude your SD, and your reasons for why you did exclude her this time. However, just like other posters have said, I think you need to own it - especially the fact that the situation hasn't been managed well from your side.

I say the above with the greatest understanding of your situation. I would happily exclude my SD from family holidays if I could - she has ruined every single one we have had with her awful behaviour and tormenting her brother (SS). However, our situation is different as I have two skids and you seem to have one. So if we were to take SS on holidays and not SD it would be a blatant rejection of SD and therefore not something we would ever do.

Instead, other than a few mini-breaks (ie a few days at the coast) we have just stopped taking the skids away altogether. They show no desire to go on holidays and it's always stressful and awful anyway. SS is keen to go on holidays with us down the track when SD is an adult and has her own life (as it's SD that ruins holidays for him too). In the meantime, we take DS away for holidays with just the three of us but we don't lie about it or try to hide it.

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