Disengaging is not working for me....
..or else I just don't know what I'm doing and need some tips!
I've been with my BF for almost 4 years. The first 2 years we were together I used to love hanging out with his kids (now 9 and 11). We used to do stuff together, I would bring them activities to do that we could do together, bake, go swimming, etc. except it has gotten worse and worse over the last 2 years. He has started having the kids more and more often and I guess in doing so, the normal issues like lack of discipline, letting them get away with whatever they want, jumping at their every whim and whimper, etc. has gotten more pronounced. About 6 months ago or so I decided to disengage and refuse to do anything anymore. I just essentially got fed up with his disney dad attitude and decided to step back and not show any interest or play any part in the kids when they were there.
However, I am finding this disengaging hard because I am still around them a lot of the time when they are there and have to witness all of this. Just the normal things like disrespect, he lets them do whatever they want, no rules, runs to their side immediately at any request, etc. He believes the kids are perfect little angels who never do anything wrong. So while I try not to get involved, in order for me to see my BF and spend time with him, I have to be a first hand witness to this crap. I guess I am not good at keeping my mouth shut, or need to learn how to do so. I do go out and do things on my own and spend time with myself when they are there, but geez, even just for 3-4 hours a night after dinner I can't stand it! The BF even admits that he tries to be the best parent that he can so he knows that he isn't doing them any favors by refusing to institute any house rules, structure, etc. but he refuses to change. The normal huffing and puffing and getting an attitude ensues whenever I do mention anything, but if I don't say anything it just stews inside of me and I put myself in a bad mood because I can't vent it out. I will say this is also affecting our relationship due to it so I'm torn as to stay with a man that I love and put up with it as best I can until the kids are older and hopefully not around as much or leave and make myself miserable being without him in hopes of finding someone else.
Does anyone that has successfully disengaged have any tips? I guess my main issue is learning how to be present and witness all the crap that goes on, but to not allow it to get to me. I need an "I don't give a damn" attitude, but instead I get the "OMG if I don't say something I'm going to explode" LOL The easy answer of not being present won't work or else I would have to go weeks at a time without spending anytime with my BF! Not much of a relationship there.
If you plan to stay with him,
If you plan to stay with him, then in addition to lots of time with friends, family, maybe take up a hobby or something you really enjoy? Too bad your SO wouldn't get the message if you are never around when his kids are and if they are around a lot...you would think it would make him wake up and realize you aren't enjoying his lack of parenting and it's now effecting your marriage
When my H's eldest daughter lived with us full-time and was not only out of control with DH but over the top hostile and nasty to me (with DH not supporting me nearly to the level he should have with her) I started taking night classes a couple times a week, spent weekends with my friends, stopped in my family's place often.....anything I could to escape her crap. But I made sure it was all things I enjoyed....this way it felt like I was turning a negative into a positive
I got very selfish and starting doing all the the things I liked, so I didn't have to sit around and tolerate their BS
Fortunately DH didn't enjoy this and he did cherish his time with me so it definitely helped
If your DH isn't making your happiness also a top priority in his life, I would have to think that one through then
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the responses so far. Just to clarify however, my BF does make me a priority and I have to give him that, he is very good at it. I do love him very much and we get along great when the kids aren't there and have great chemistry. He always puts me first when it comes to spending time on the couch with me watching TV, talking, cuddling, getting a babysitter so we can go out, showing a lot of affection, etc, it's just when it comes to the kids, he is a lazy parent.
His daughter did something yesterday that actually pissed me off and opened a present that was left at the house from our Christmas party on Saturday, (unwrapped still, but she opened the box and took the item out) that we had left on the dining room table, but instead of the BF disciplining her and explaining to her that this did not belong to her and she was not to touch things laying around the house just because she wanted to without asking, he let her take it to her room and made an excuse that he didn't feel like dealing with it! I'm still stewing over that one! So, he does understand that he should do things like make rules, limit their access to soda and candy all day/ night, discipline them when they get out of line, etc. but he just refuses to. I also ask him why he didn't do something or provide tips on what to do as my daughter is grown, so I've been through all these stages, but instead he just doesn't want to be the bad guy, so doesn't do anything. The kids actually say jump and he does it...whether it's wanting food or drink all hours of the night (up at 1am asking for food at 9 years old for example), wanting him to do something on the computer for them, get them a movie, help with a game, etc. he jumps as soon as they say so!
I also do enjoy doing things by myself and having my alone time of which I pretty much do things by myself all weekend long, but at the end of the day, I want to sit on the couch with him and watch our favorite tv shows or just sit and talk, but instead I have to deal with kids walking in front of the tv or coming into the living room every 5 minutes wanting something else that he just immediately gets. I certainly don't do any cleaning, cooking, picking up of their things, but it's just the witnessing of this thing where the kids have him wrapped around their damn finger pisses me off.
I find men who make their
I find men who make their home Camp *insert family name* VERY unattractive.
Move out. Get a place of your own and create your own life. See SO when his kids are not around.
Very similar story in my own
Very similar story in my own home, I could've written this myself! My heart goes out to you... is your SO aware of your consious decision to disengage? Sounds like he is at least open to the possibility of input & direction- which is good.. so difficult when you have your own child & must consider them in the mix.... best of luck.