Disciplining stepchild
Someone! I need advice I feel that I'm upsetting my husband that I have been with for a couple years we have a son together 1 yr old , and he has a 11 year old daughter who lives with us. I love her she's a great girl but, my husband spoils her soo much .. I feel that I can't speak up when it comes to him discipline her. If I say anything he gets upset and thinks I'm picking on her. For example she needed to shower and was yelling for him to turn on the water, I feel she is old enough to do these things on her own. And I don't want my child learning these habits. But when I brought this to his attention he took it as if I was picking on her anything I say when she talks back to him like I'll say tell her that's not right when she leaves the room and he yells and gets upset. What should I do? Am I being a bad step parent by putting in my 2 cents?
Sounds lik my DH with the not
Sounds lik my DH with the not as consistent, stable and in tune parent. I too have my skids FT....it's a bitch...discipline (amend the lack there of or the the lack of following through by DH with his kids and me having to be the "bad guy" is now coming to an end with one of them) has been decided in counseling that DH will handle the discipline of OSS, unless he is not home and it requires an immediate action. It's a work in progress...so far progress is slow...hell pretty much at a stand still.
LOL, oh man that is so true.
LOL, oh man that is so true. If i try to suggest something my partner thinks i am picking on his son. I told him that i believe SS9 has ADHD and do you think he would get him checked for that? Hell no. Meanwhile SS can't even remember to brush his teeth every morning and has huge cavities, i told his father to take him to the dentist (his mother is too busy with her JOB to do that) because if his school nurse see's his teeth they will call the state on his butt and BM will get into trouble as well. If he keeps ignoring his son's oral health, i won't feel sorry for him when the state comes knocking on the door for neglect.
And i also hear "you hate my son, you treat him like shit" and who is watching his son for free every day this summer? ME
Who is feeding him? ME
Who tells him that he can play his PS3 only if he remembers to brush his teeth every morning without being told? ME
Yet i am the "evil step monster" and all i want to do is get his son into trouble. LOL, it's so stupid.
I used to do a lot more to try and help but all i get is crapped on, so now i don't even bother. The teeth thing is the only thing i get on SS about anymore. If he can't learn to brush his teeth on his own without being told, well then that will be his father and mother's problem and not mine. I have my own children to worry about.
I'd pick your battles if I
I'd pick your battles if I were you. As long as she's not talking back to you, you're luckier than most.
My SD12 has a smart mouth-always has. One of those know-it-all kids. Ughh. Whiney, sarcastic voice...she stomped, she slammed doors. She didn't like to be told what to do. Jealous, clingy, filthy.
Anyway, she ran her smart mouth to her dad one too many times until he finally had enough and he yelled back at her probably about a dozen times. She got the picture. DH is scary when he yells. She still talks back to him occasionally, but not often and when she does, she GETS IT!!!!!!!!!!
Surely your Dh will get his fill in time.
If SD treats you the same, that's a different story. Mine did and my Dh wouldn't do anything about it, so I had to sit her down. She balwed and scwaled for the 20 minutes or so that I told her how me and my BD would be treated, but it got SO much better. I did it when dh wasn't around-which is when she would run her mouth to me. Much later, I told dh about it and he seemed a little pissed, but I was done caring by then.
Start by not correcting her
Start by not correcting her when she talks back to him. If your kid starts in set him down and in age appropriate language explain that she is not your daughter and you're not responsible for what kind of adult she becomes. Tell him you love him enough to make sure he becomes a good man and other parents don't want to take the time. Tell him he's lucky to have a parent who cares.
Check out this article and see if it helps you. Many step-parents have implemented this program completely and found it brought a great deal of relief to the family even if the step-kids did turn out to be bratty adults. By the way as a step-parent you'll get none of the credit and none of the blame for how this kid turns out so don't let that prompt you to correct her behavior. Also you may find her attitude towards both of you may change if you implement this. Once she discovers that you no longer care she may not only miss that she may worry Daddy will adopt the same attitude and she'll knock it off. Give this a try:
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
SS6 and SD4 like to jump on
SS6 and SD4 like to jump on the furniture and sometimes walk on the couch with shoes on. I absolutely can't stand that. Growing up I wasn't even allowed to put feet on the couch...so sitting on the couch with my feet curled under me is a luxury ...LOL.
Anyway, I told DH that I didn't like this. He did his half heated effort to correct his kids.
One day my then 3month old daughter (now 4 and half months) was waering her first pair of baby shoes bought for her by her nana. Guess what DH says...Oh so she is allowed to have shoes on th ecouch just because she's your daughter.
I didn't know whether to cry or laugh but i was shocked. She's a baby FFS with spotless shoes because she can't walk yet. Just goes to show you what kind of BS bio parents will put you through.
Discuss the disciplining with your DH before it gets worse. I agree that you don't want your son to learn bad habits. I think like you my fear is my child will feel unfairly treated because they will lead a normal disciplined life with consequences until her evil brother and sister show up.
My stance on this that you &
My stance on this that you & your DH are equity life partners and that makes you equity parents to any children in your home regardless of biology. That includes kid discipline.
My bride and I dealt with similar issues when my SS-21 was young. It took a while but I finally was able to give DW clarity that if she did not like how I was disciplining SS then she could step up and deal with it before I had to. If she did not step up then she could bite her lip, have my back, and we would discuss it at a later time behind closed doors with just the two of us present.
She finally gained clarity and took over at least an equity role as disciplinarian if not the lead role. The funny thing is that when his mom started being the primary disciplinarian SS asked me if I could step back in to that role since I am a one and done until the next disciplinary worthy action from the kid where as his mom was much more tenacious in her discipline on a particular issue and the consequences could last a very long time.
An 11yo needing daddy to turn on her shower for her? :jawdrop: Really?
I would have to say at based on this issue alone at this stage of parenting your SD-11 your DH is at risk of reaching abject failure status as a parent. He needs to gain some clarity and fast before this little princess turns into a complete toxic diva.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I went through the exact same
I went through the exact same thing, OP. I moved in with my bf last year & I was stunned to discover that my bf still showered with his (then) 8 year old son. All the time. He was still wiping his butt for him too when he pooed.
Anyways, i had asked him why in the hell his 8 year old was not able to bathe on his own. Of course, there were excuses. Aren't there always with parents who coddle their children.
His excuses were "well he won't be able to wash himself properly" or "he doesn't know how to turn the faucets on" blah, blah blah. Well DUH, show him. That's the only way he's ever gonna learn.
I mean honestly.