DH wants to move closer to his kids...
First, let me say I absolutely love my two SDs. They are amazing, and we have never had any issues. They know I love them and that has never been an issue. They also love their half sister, who is DH’s and my daughter. All 3 of our girls have bonded and have true sister sister relationships.
However, my DH and I have been thinking of upgrading to a larger house recently. Currently, we live in the home I grew up in with my grandparents. My grandparents watch our toddler (3 y/o) while we work during the day. We are running out of space in our current home. It’s not made to hold 2 families. My reasons for not wanting to leave are 1) the school district out where his daughters go is nothing compared to the one we currently are in 2) there are more extra curricular activities around us and our daughter is already in swimming and tumbling 3) my grandparents will not leave this area to move with us and that will eliminate any kind of support we have in raising our child 4) my current job will be close to a 2 hour drive if we move 5) getting another job will mean I work mainly over nights if we move to this rural town. His argument is 1) we can have the girls 50/50 2) He doesn’t want to miss anything they do because we live too far away (mind you his hours at work fluctuate so he could potentially miss things because he will work until 6pm regardless) 3) it’s more affordable if we end up buying a 2000+ sq ft house if we buy out there rather than our town now.
I understand that he wants to be closer to his girls. However, they have 2 settle of parents that will ensure they have opportunities to do whatever they want to do. Our daughter has 1 set of parents and no one else but me to advocate for her future
Ideally I would LOVE to move and have the girls 50/50 and to never worry about missing any event. Realistically, I can not shake the feeling we would be sacrificing and limiting the opportunities for our daughter by moving to the Skids’ neighborhood. I feel like I am being selfish but at the same time I do not want my daughter’s only option for extra curricular things to be softball and farming. I’ve done some research already, and I really really do not want to move to the town where my Skids live. Am I being selfish? Please help me, and TIA.
#tomoveornottomove #blendedfamilylove
No I don't think you are
No I don't think you are being selfish. You are so lucky to have the support from your parents helping with you biokid. I don't think you should give that up. And the commute and all that will just further add to your stress.
Your DH needs to reconsider.
#4 and #5 would make it
#4 and #5 would make it completely unacceptable to me. The rest can be overcome, but a 2-hour commute or working overnights would be a deal breaker to me.
It's not all about him. Unless he wants to support you so you don't have to commute or work overnights, I'd say HELL NO.
Is there a way to split the
Is there a way to split the difference and move halfway that would offer your daughter the same or similar opportunities while also allowing DH to see his kids more? Maybe not 50/50, but an evening or two a week or every Sunday or something?
A two hour commute to work is unreasonable every work day just so DH gets, functionally, a few extra hours with his daughters. Additionally, you working nights would also mean you have less time with your DD because every weekend day you'd be sleeping away your time with her.
Could you do a preliminary search for jobs closer to his girls? See if anything "pings"? If not, then there is your answer. If it does, then see if you can make something work.
Also, how old are the girls? Would it be that, by the time your DD is ready for ECAs that the girls are about to graduate? That may be a good point to make with your DH, or may be a way to move now while DD is young (provided you find a job) and move back to where you are now when everyone is older.
Just some thoughts and suggestions.
I have already brought up a
I have already brought up a compromise. There is one area I would be willing to move to that is comparable to our current town. Even if my grandparents weren’t to move with us to this potential area they would only be 30 min away which is better than 80 min. This town also has some potential new jobs (I’m a nurse) since there are at least 2-4 major hospitals in the area. It feels like if we move he wants to move to the same rural town his daughters are in or not move at all.
We have the girls every other weekend, we see them every Sunday for a weekly dinner on the weekends they don’t stay with us, and they call him every night to say good night. I would love to see more of them too, but I don’t want to sacrifice the life our toddler could have. I don’t want to move out there for 1 year to just then move back and get ready for her to start kindergarten. I should also mention, the town has only one 1 preschool and I don’t even know if the hours would be feesible for us since he commutes to work (4:45 am is when he leaves and sometimes he doesn’t get home until 7) and I would have to commute to work (for current job I’d leave at 4:30 am, and with possible jobs I’d still have to leave by 5:15 am or work over night which shifts start at 7pm). I just don’t see how moving out there really benefits anyone. We may not even see the girls any extra because of our schedules. BM would have no problem sharing time, but will we even have time?
It sounds like not only would
It sounds like not only would you not be able to see his kids more... but you would also see your own child less too.
Moving to the town that his daughters live in, exclusively, does not sound like a good idea for the family.
Moving doesn't sound like it
Moving doesn't sound like it would be fair to you. Is it even a guarantee he would get 50/50 if you moved? BM has already agreed to it?
Commuting 4 hours on a good day
There are a lot of bad days wher it becomes a 5 or 6 hour commute. Your from IL. It snow in IL . Think about the cost of gas and that your car will only last two or three years. Doing 50,000 miles a year. So figure on another $300 or $400 a month for car payments. And so much a month for new tires, and repairs doing 4000 miles a month
You aren't being selfish. NO
You aren't being selfish. NO WAY I'd drive 4 plus hours a day for work. He chose to live away from his kids to start with so that is on him in my opinion. If it was so important for him to live near them he wouldn't have left to begin with. Personally I think someone who moves away from their kids kind of suck, unless it is for some reason completely unavoidable, but how often is that? Now he wants to uproot you and your daughters life because he made a bad choice to begin with? Nope.
This is a situation where I
This is a situation where I would pretend to be trying to compromise lol maybe i'm awful but I'd spend a few days online - setting aside 30 minutes to dick around but tell DH you're looking at jobs/activities in the area because you're excited. Then 3-4 days into it, say something like "aw babe, I'm really not finding anything for work/activities for our daughter. We're gonna have to find an alternative way to see the girls more."
If he pushes and suggests moving despite you having to work nights/no activities for your daughter, I would say that's a great idea but it's only considering him/the girls, not the entire family. Offer some type of compromise. Do you currently take the girls for breaks? Like spring break, holiday breaks, etc. when they're off school?
So, DH wants to commute 4hrs
So, DH wants you to commute 4hrs per day or be away from home over night so he can be closer to his daughters.
Nope, not a viable solution. It is better to focus on your young child and keep the two SD's on a visitation schedule.
One who travel hour to work and hour 1/2 home
You don’t know the time you wast sitting in your car each day, week, month. The cost of getting newish cars every two years. You can’t get a new car it would be worthless in two years. No on wants to buy a two year old car with 130,000 miles on it . You will be missing thing with your kids because your day is 12 hours long. Add some sleep time. How many hours are left two
Let me get this straight, he
Let me get this straight, he wants to totally shaft your toddler who will now have to spend 12 plus hours a day in daycare as opposed to in the loving care of her FAMILY. He wants YOU, his loving WIFE, to endure an absolutely tortuous daily commute or give up your job that im assuming you enjoy and worked hard to get. He also wants to rob your toddler of living in a great community/school district for a lesser one. I would be picking my jaw up off the floor and then packing my bags if my SO suggested this. Your partner and your partner's child become more important than your other kids, and that's just reality.
Warning: I did a 4-4.5 hour
Warning: I did a 4-4.5 hour commute (worse in winter) for 4.5 years and it was hell. I was lucky that I had a train as an alternative to driving so I could read or sleep but I had to give up my whole life to do that commute. I also had to hire people to help me with my dogs, yardwork, pool, and cleaning of the house because I simply didn't have time for it. I calculated, at one point, when I was making low six-figures, that I was spending about 18% of my after tax income by working a job far away. I realized then that it was not all worth it and found something closer.
How about you suggest he
How about you suggest he commutes 2 hours to go spend time with his girls a few times a week? Perfect solution lol
Tossing it out ...
Different parts of the country, different lifestyles (rural, suburban, urban) vary in their commuting tolerancy & commuting norm.
Living rurally, the closest Home Depot and pediatrician were 45 min away. Commute was an easy 90+ min each way. (77 miles one-way) Kids commuted with us to daycare.
Another poster this week mentioned frustration at a 20 minute commute in traffic for a drop-off. Now living in an urban/suburban setting, I laughed since I just spent 23 minutes driving 4 friggin' miles home in traffic.
There are pros & cons both ways regarding commute time.
She would be giving up Her life with her child
She is going to spend hour to get up, two drive eight hours working two hours home on a good day. That 13 to 14 hours a day. Add seven hours to sleep that 21 hours leaving three free hours to do everything. If cooking and cleaning. There will be no time for anything. So DH can maybe see his kid a few hours during the week.
Why cant DH just drive the two hours and see his kid and then two hours home. Too much effort for him? It will interfere with his gaming
No way would I move just to
No way would I move just to be nearer to his kids then to do a 4 hour drive and back to work, no way. That's his problem.