Your relationship has no hope of succeeding unless he lets go. If she wanted her flowers she should have already gotten them. It sounds like he is still attached to her and hasn't really let go.

He isn't doing his kids any favours. He's keeping the hope alive in them that they might one day get back together.

He needs to learn that separate means separate. She is not his responsibility any longer.

I think dh probably wants to make things easier for his kids by keeping the exwife happy. No way Jose the end result is children that can not accept another person on that level in their lives. This is very damaging to any relationship, if you still want to do these things them maybe you should still be married, I mean if dh is going to make that much effort to keep the co-parenting peace well maybe he should use that same amount of effort on fixing the marriage. That's how I think sometimes and in my case they have been divorced for 10 years & I"ve been in the picture for 9 of those years.
It's a daily drama I swear. You never know what's around the next corner.
Hang in there, talk with dh, set up boundries & follow thru.
Talk later, Crystal (biological stepmom)

poison is dead on;

"He isn't doing his kids any favors. He's keeping the hope alive in them that they might one day get back together."

if bm ever asked for something she left behind, well it reallly wouldn't matter b/c i threw all her left behind shit away..

planted flowers --- really?? that's a fucking joke!

about your vacation, since it is assumed he will pick up skids, bm should be given a heads up that she will need to find care for her kids on her days, but in no way should bf pick up the bill.

put on your big girl panties and out a stop to this behavior or walk. things aren't going to get better b4 they get worse...

The following article was found by Bettina and she posted it on 06/22. Great article. My BF read it and also agrees with the article. He has been setting boundaries and this article just confirmed what I had been saying to him his EX was doing. He even emailed it to his best friend.

Look up the old posts dated 06/22.

MALE EMOTIONAL ADULTERY
When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the benefits. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, shed better look closer to home because I was not available and hadnt been since the divorce.

My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the exs husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.

Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. Its your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.

Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.

Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.

In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?

If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?

What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You cant change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.

The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, Yes!, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?

Oh, yeah. If you did answer yes you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!

This essay was written by Mike (passem), a stepfather and contributor to the StepTogether Message Board

I have a question. I just posted a response to someone telling them to quit cold turkey, but maybe weening the ex off of her habit is better. What do y'all think?

I ask the question because as I was about to post a response here, I remembered my most recent response to the other post and realized I would be contradicting myself. In the other post, I suggested to quit cold turkey as it relates to phone calls, text messages, etc. Just ignore, don't even respond.

But, in this case, I am reminded of what happened in my situation with taking things from our house (oh, excuse me, I mean, apartment, BM made that distinction clear for us when she moved into a house). When she first moved out, DH told her to take everything. 'Take whatever you want and agree that anything you leave, you won't ask for later.' So, in usual BM fashion, thinking she was too good for some things, she didn't take them. Then, again in her usual fashion, her big plans and fancy lifestyle fell through and she wanted the couches. DH told her no. BM guilted him, 'The kids will have to sit on the floor to watch tv.' Oh. My. God. Heaven forbid. Since they don't usually sprawl out on the floor anyway.

So, maybe the man in this situation should make a statement like that to BM. 'What do you want? Make a list by tomorrow and after that, don't ask, because you won't get it.' Thoughts?

Now, this next part, that I just have to share, relates to my last post on that other thread. When DH wouldn't give BM the couches, she then went and called MIL and said that DH wouldn't give her couches and she needed money to buy some for herself. So MIL sent her $200. Good. That's a nice used couch or something from IKEA. But, no, BM is too good for that. She told everyone that she bought a used couch from her coworker for $600 who let her make payments on it. But then, while we were out shopping, SD pointed to the store where her mom bought the couch and had it delivered. It was $1200 couch. Fast forward to one year later, the couch is in the garage of BM's house getting ready to be thrown away because it doesn't match the new decor.

Boundaries or lack of...it won't get any better I promise you. I bought my sd a cell phone so that we can keep in touch with her b/c BM can't keep a house phone. I put us on a family plan and I pay the bill every month. Most of our arguments stem from BM's control over our house by using the skids. BM needed 2 go out of town and didn't have a cell phone. SS is 17 and pays his own cell phone bill. BM asks SS for his phone and he refused to let her use it. She took our sd's cell phone and ran up our bill talking on the phone for hours at a time. When I found out that sd didn't have the phone, I was furious and DH couldn't understanding why. Saying that no 16 yr old can say no to their mother. We had a discussion with sd and told her that the phone was for her not BM and if we caught her using it again would have the services suspended. BM has a full time job and a man, so if she needs/wants a cell phone, she would have to buy her own. Fast forward to a few weeks later, time to pay the bill, I skim the calls and notice that BM is still using sd's phone. I call DH and he calls and speaks to BM and asks her not to use the phone anymore. I am furious because I feel that that is disrespectful and deliberate on her part but DH does not see it that way. Fast forward to a few more weeks and I notice calls being made to the same #'s from when BM was out of town. I didn't ask any questions this time, I had the services suspended. I get home and my DH asks if I had sd's services suspended. I told him I did b/c BM is still using sd's phone and I was tired of being taken advantage of by sd and BM. He felt I was being unfair to SD. Hello....am I missing something here? Not understanding why he is not seeing a problem with his ex wife's behavior AND defending her. He called SD and she said mom needed to use the phone so she let her. Since SD was present when BM used the phone, DH thought it should be okay with me. Again...am I missing something here? Boundaries? Am I overreacting?