BM Screws Everything Up, then Abandons Kids
Sorry, I wrote this in 3rd person. It was easier to document it all this way. There's so much more but I'll spare you. Just looking for advice.
Why should we have to deal with this situation that BM created? First and foremost, she raised her kids (by 3 different dads) to not respect authority and gave them a serious victim mentality in every way imaginable. She told them lies about their own father, saying he beat her, etc. When he remarried (when the kids were very young), she told them that she hated his new wife and that they did not have to listen to their stepmother. She also told them their dad would end up divorcing again anyway. She ruined any chance of a relationship with the stepmother. She called the stepmother a child abuser when the daughter scratched herself and claimed the step mother did it. She then held the kids away, allowing no contact with their dad for TWO YEARS. She even told everyone that he wasn't paying child support. (She even hid the $$ from her husband)! Next thing you know, she has divorced her 4th husband, gotten a new questionable boyfriend and decided she doesn't want the kids anymore at all. She abandons the kids with their grandma. The kids reach out to their father on their own and begin to have visitation with him again. The grandma is now guilt tripping the dad, wanting him to take the kids full time. The kids have mental health issues, she has literally screwed up her daughter beyond repair. The daughter is 10 (and 5'4), dresses like a boy, still has no respect for her stepmother (hates her younger step siblings) and is displaying serious symptoms of mini wife syndrome. The stepmother, having 3 children of her own, does not want this drama in her household and fears this will all end in divorce. Honestly, she also fears for her and her kids safety.
Of course, dad is on a guilt trip and step mother is made to look like the bad guy for suggesting the kids are the BM's responsibility and needs to go get her damn kids. She has full custody afterall. He is still paying her child support even though the kids have lived with their grandma for 6 months. The BM (& her bf) live rent free in a house owned by the grandma.
One of the kids are not even his but he legally adopted him when they were briefly married.
I just can't handle this crazy and my health is really suffering from the stress of it all. All I can think is I have to put my foot down and not cave at all costs.
I would not agree to take on
I would not agree to take on that mess. So you are not the bad guy. I would Insist you and DH attend counseling with SKs before agreeing to any life changes.
I would see how it plays out in counseling first.
You DON'T have to take on
You DON'T have to take on this situation that BM created, you are choosing to do so. DH is obligated to care for the children he chose to have with her, if she isn't able to, or won't do it. He's also choosing not to go back to court and get full custody and child support, but instead, to continue to pay her to NOT care for her kids.
So yes, BM's a train wreck, but both you and DH could make different choices, and that's all you can control.
BM is a train wreck, and crazy
This child has been in craziness too long. She needs professional mental help. Yes it's BF responsibility to care for his kid.
Its your responsibility to care for your kid. If your relationship with your SO can not work out because of this you must break living together part of the relationship. Until SD is on her own, if ever
That's a lot of crazy right
That's a lot of crazy right there and I'm sure when you put most of it all together it is overwhelming.
If you share finances I'd be concerned of him sending her money. I'd send it to the grandmother. And it's not his fault she cast them to her mother either so no he doesn't have to have them full time...or feel bad about it...the grandma sounds like an enabler of her daughters behaviour and let's her walk over her. So if he wants then full time that's a convo you and him need to have and set boundaries clear to him about what kind of stepmother you're going to be. I.e. not doing their washing or running their errands etc.
However, if he doesn't want them full time either then he needs to send money to their residents and maybe start looking at legal advice about it before she does. Guarantee the second bf stands up to her bs, she will throw a tantrum and seek out to hurt you both and kids are clearly collateral damage to her.
Do you care about SD? If you do, don't give up on her when she comes to you but set clear boundaries that they are aware of...if you don't object to being a mother figure then make sure its legal...if you don't care for SD you have to tell your OH you don't see the family working that way...and the kid that's not his but he adopted...its kinda the same as the SD. The other random spawn is nothing to do with you both.