Blended family - Not enough Bedrooms
So happy I found this site! I am new to the NY area and have never felt so isolated in my life. I moved here pregnant with my Son (14)to live with my fiance. He has 3 children that we see every other weekend. I have a dilema that I don't know how to address. We are trying to find a rental home (which is not easy) until my home sells in another state. We have found a three bedroom (updated and takes pets) and my fiance stated the baby will be sharing our bedroom with us so his kids can have a bedroom. I don't agree with the baby not having her own bedroom when we only see the kids four days out of every month. While I agree that they should have a bedroom - I don't agree to putting the baby in our room. I suggested all the boys share a room and the girls in another. I must add that his daughter (11 yrs) has not touched, played or interacted with the baby (1yr) at all and barely whispers hello to me. I don't want to force the baby on her but I thought she may open up on her own with the baby when no one else was around by sharing a room.
Any thoughts?
4 days out of the month
4 days out of the month doesn't require that much real estate. Why can't the baby move into your room during the 4 days. That will only work for awhile but, may work things out until you can sell your house and get a bigger place.
I like your suggestion - make
I like your suggestion - make sense to me. I doubt he will buy it but I will figure out how to approach this discussion.
Kids that are only there for
Kids that are only there for 4 days a month dont need a room, get them some sleeping bags.
I have a 4 bedroom house, and when we moved in together, his kids shared a room at home and we had them every weekend. So I gave one room to SD14, 12 at the time, so she could have a room of her own. DS12 and SS11 shared and DD8 had her own room. And ours. well skids stopped coming every weekend, and as SD14 got older she was here maybe 2 days a month. And the newly remodeled room for SD14 was like a shrine to her, gag. The other kids room are still in need of a remodel, so I moved DD8 into the nice room and now SD14 sleeps on the couch or with DD8.
But I was not going to have a shrine to SD14 and my baby in the room that was in such need or repair, and that BTW SD14s cat decided to claim.
Also you and your man need a room of your own. Your relationship will be hard for the next few years and you need all the help you can get to stay connected
Believe me our relationship
Believe me our relationship has been a roller coaster with trying to blend everyone! This is going to be a tough discussion but I agree with you. My son and I gave up a lot to move here so we could be together. It sometimes feels like I made a really bad decision and took away every familiar thing my Son knew. It has been over a year since we arrived and when the his kids have sporting events or whatever - we are not allowed to go......he doesn't want the kids to feel uncomfortable. Guess its ok to make us feel like outsiders. Its not like we are going to pick a seat right next to the ex or anything. Geez it gets so lonely sometimes not having any friends or family here. Its so hard to get out and do things when you have a small baby. Ugh....so homesick.
Well then, it sounds like you
Well then, it sounds like you have already made concessions. Him and his kids can too.
I totally agree - this
I totally agree - this discussion is going to be fun! Again - its going to be me being the mean one. UGH - this arrangement is only temp - until my house sells and we can get a bigger house. If it ever sells. UGH wish I would have stayed until it selled and then moved. regrets regrets
I like your idea to have the
I like your idea to have the baby in with us when they stay over. I am sure this will make his daughter like me even more.....NOT!
We have a four bdrm's now and
We have a four bdrm's now and his children share a room, baby and my son have a room. My Son's bunk bed is being used in their room. I think what is going on here is that my BF is feeling guilty that he lives with us and he kids don't. Its not about the ex - cause they are over. He is a hands on Dad and struggles with being away from them. He feels guilty when he does something with my Son (which isn't often cause of work) and doesn't want us to mention anything to his kids so they won't get hurt. So how does that affect my Son to hear him say that! Only wants him want his own father more.
Ok you saying that you and
Ok you saying that you and your son are not allowed to go to any event for the skids is a HUGE red flag! For get about the rooms that alone would make me go home as it tells me that your BF is not committed to you at all! :jawdrop:
As for the rooms the kids that live you full time get their own rooms and then the skids can share if they want that is their choice. If not they get the couch!
Something is not right if your BF doesn't want you or your son to be a part of the 'family' at his kids events. That in itself would be the biggest disappointment to me.
Believe me when I tell you I
Believe me when I tell you I love this man with everything I am but moving here pregnant, paying for two homes, losing my family to this move, having no friends, having no free time without our baby, dealing with trying to make everything click, and not being included is the worst - I am about to crumble. I don't think he understands how badly I feel. Every thought I have is moving back home. Ugh I wish I could afford some kind of drug so I could not give a shit.
Firefly do you want to live
Firefly do you want to live your life not being included? Always fighting about bedrooms and him putting his other kids before you and his child with you?
You should have a heart to heart with him about this and make it clear that if the roles were reverse he would not put up with it. And make it clear that you will not put up with it either. You should also tell him that if things don;t start to change in such n such amount of time that you will be going back home. you need to set boundaries now! If not it will so much harder when you have hit rock bottom.
No I don't want it this way
No I don't want it this way and you are right. I need to put my big girl pants on and tackle this before it gets out of hand. It feels good to get this out and know that I am not alone here with my thoughts! thanks purpledaisies
That baby is not living in
That baby is not living in your bedroom for 18 years. He/she is is full time, they get their own room. The steps can share.
Four days a month is fine for sharing. Hell, a lot of siblings share living full time together.
You are not asking, you are telling.
If you are moving into a 3
If you are moving into a 3 bedroom rental temporary until your house sells this is what I would do. I would have all his kids share a room when the visit. I would give your son his own room – he is a teen and lives with you full time, I personally think he should have his own space. And I would temporarily have the baby in the room with you. We had DD1 last year and she stayed in our room until she was 9 months old and we moved into our new house and she got her own room. Now we have DD5months and she is in our room until she starts to sleep through the night, then she will go into the same room as DD1. Personally, I think you will be surprised how easy it is to have the baby right in the room with you. I want her there so I can hear her when she gets up at night and I can pick her up and lay her beside me in our bed and nurse her and then put her back in her crib. I’m able to hear her starting to stir and can get to her way before she wakes anyone else up.