Being a mom is hard but being a step mom seems impossible!!
What a God send this place is! I have struggled for months with feelings that I had no one to talk to about. I have plenty of friends, but felt like if I said the things I felt to anyone, that I would be the bad guy and feel guilty as it is!! I can not stand my SD who is 6. There are so many issues that I do not even know where to begin. I have bio children who are well behaved, good students and rarely get in trouble. When they do, its minor. I'm not even sure anymore what to do. A little background, the BM is not involved, moved out of state and basically abandoned her. My husband worked alot after his divorce and so his mother raised her for a couple of years, giving her everything under the sun and treating her like a grandmother would....rare discipline, not teaching her basics but rather doing it for her etc. The BM did not really have much to do with her during this time either but would call her and tell her things like 'when you come to live with me we will go do all kinds of fun things and have a great big house and a pony etc'..all things that never transpired. I initially worked from home and had a great job when we got together, but volunteered to take care of my soon to be SD before and after school to avoid babysitters etc..besides, my sons were there to help and having them around was never an issue so why should she be right?? WRONG!!! I ended up quitting my job to take care of HER ( bad move I know) because I felt that someone needed to step up and be this childs parent. My husband has never really had to raise a child before so really had no clue- hint my oldest is 26 so I have a bit of experience here. Needless to say I was the one who did all of the disciplining, teaching etc for almost a year before my husband decided that he needed to step up to the plate. A year later, after fighting almost nonstop with my husband over her, I was finally able to convince him to get her into counseling ( as well as us to heal our relationship) and she was diagnosed ADHD and is now on medication. Things are slightly better but I still can not stand to be around her. While her hyperactivity has slowed some, her deliberate attempts to wreck things continues. She plays on his feelings constantly and while he really does try to do things the way that he should, he still works alot and I am around her far more than I care to be. She lies, steals, breaks things, smarts off disrespects others, clings, interrupts, says things out of turn just to get attention, has hurt our dogs for no reason, tries to tell US what she will do and not do, whines, plays stupid ( even her teacher has brought this one up) and just works very hard at ruining our family atmosphere!! I never once thought that a young child would ever, COULD ever do the things I see her do everyday!!! I also never thought that I would dislike a child!!!
There is so much more to say, so much more to the situation ( there is another SD who is 17 that is equally as awful and even worse but not currently in the picture) that I really don't know if I can get it all out. What I do know is that if I had known it was going to be like this, I would probably have waited to get married. I went from a confident, self sufficienct single mom to a dependent housewife with self esteem issues because I spend so much time in my room hiding from all of this. I want my life back, but people tell me to hang in there etc. How strong am I???
I know how you feel when you
I know how you feel when you say you went from being confident and self sufficient to dependent with self esteem issues. I have been living with my fiancé for over a year (were together a year before that) & over the past several months, things have gotten progressively worse. He has a 4 year old daughter who we have every other week for the full week (joint custody). I have written in other posts but I will say it again! The weeks she is not there are close to perfect and that is what I am holding onto. However, as soon as she steps in the door, I no longer exist. The world revolves around her. My fiancé does not seem to care much about parenting and only cares that his kid thinks dad’s house is so much fun! It’s like a freaking vacation for her, only thing is it’s not a vacation, it’s our real life and she needs to fall into place, and HE needs to quit raising her to be a spoiled brat. Anyway, point is, I went from being a confident, independent career-oriented woman to something I no longer recognize. My fiancé has told me that me going to get a degree was a waste of time and money (even though I now make twice the $ he makes and he did not go to school). Stuff like that. I am constantly being talked down to and told I am the one with the problem, and it’s really getting to me. I used to think very highly of myself- not over the top, but I was confident! Now I don’t even know who I am anymore. This step parenting thing really takes a lot out of you and people (our significant others) do not realize and they certainly do not appreciate it. I feel bad that you quit your job to take care of someone else’s kid. Your DH should make another arrangement for her- that is not your responsibility. I also know how you feel about the kid being spoiled. I think a lot of step kids are, because people are afraid to discipline them because they aren’t around all the time or whatever the case may be. This site has been a big help to me, and hopefully will be to you too!
WOW. Another kid thrown under
WOW. Another kid thrown under the ADHD bus because she has not been parented. How's the medication working out for her (or the family)? Doesn't sound too positive.
If you truly think she has ADHD, completely renovate her diet. Remove all refined sugars, HFCS, artificial colors, preservatives, etc. and add flax seeds to her diet (or another omega-3 supplement). Make sure her drinking water does not have fluoride in it and she should drink a LOT of water. Flavor with lemons if necessary. You might see other symptoms disappear.
Parent as normal. Get her off the meds or you are looking at a future drug addict in prison.
^^^ I do tend to agree with
^^^ I do tend to agree with this. Way too many kids are diagnosed with ADHD because they can't pay attention or don't do well in school. Sure there is medicine to have them walking around like a zombie all day, but it doesn't actually solve the problem.
Do you know what cured ADHD when I was a kid? My dad's belt!
It's amazing how well I listened after a swat on the legs.
Nothing wrong with feeling
Nothing wrong with feeling the way that you do. I remembered the other day that I was actually voted as "Best Personality" in high-school. Now I have turned into a negative-thinking, brooding, malcontent that is always stressed out. That's what being a step-parent does to you. Even though you disklike the child, you have to realize that the REAL issue is your husband.
I think the first step for you is to realize that even though you are trying to step up, your husband is the one legally responsible for his kid. Even though you said he has stepped up, he needs to step up even more. He has not done a good job with putting his foot down about her behavior. Also, one key to regaining your sanity may be to re-enter the workforce. I know you quit your job for the benefit of raising your stepkid, but YOU need a life too. I always say that the MOST important thing is your sanity because without it, everything else will go to shit. I think working again would let you engage with other adults and also get you out of the house some. Work on reclaiming your sanity!
Thanks for the encouraging
Thanks for the encouraging replies to those who gave them.
Mykidsmom, for you, no thanks is extended for you spoke out of turn and assumed. This child was not thrown under any bus at all and was medically diagnosed after extensive treatment for the condition. Her biomom was a drug user and sadly, the ADHD is a product of that. You also assume that no discipline is taking place and that a spanking will cure all. How I wish you were correct because this issue would have been taken care of long before I came searching for some advice on what to do now.
Frustratedstepdad, yes I agree with you in the aspect that my husband needs to step up even more than he has. I also agree with re=entering the workforce in order to recapture my sanity, but have enrolled in school full time instead.
No matter how I feel about this situation, no matter what steps I take to do what is right and even necessary, sometimes I just want to vent. Which is exactly why I posted here to begin with. It is comforting to know that I am not the monster I believed myself to be for feeling the way I do. That in itself is a sanity saver!!
FYI, there are far too many
FYI, there are far too many children given a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD because parents do know how to parent, but until you have actually SEEN a child who is truly ADHD then you really have no clue how impulsive and disoriented their world can be.
The only difference with her being medicated is that now she can focus. She is able to make the decision to sit still...or not. Her diet and environment are controlled.
Boy she sounds like my son in
Boy she sounds like my son in some ways (except he does not steal & lies rarely). she sounds like a spirited child. If you have google docs you can get see the test, the link is on a blog http://themahoganyway.ning.com/profiles/blogs/do-you-have-a-spirited.
Also this book has the test and is really helpful (as is Dobson's "Strong willed child"). http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288