Am I wrong in thinking SS should be more independent?
Hi I'm new here so bear with me..
I've had two SS's for approx 6 years now. They are 16 and 13. Their mom is a horrible person, but I will save that story for another day.
They visit every other weekend and one evening during the week. My DH and I have one child, a girl who is 1. Other than sleeping, our own child is a gem and is very happy, go lucky.
Of my SS's, the older one spends A LOT of time playing video games, but he has friends. So he keeps to himself when he stays here, or goes out, has activities to do etc. He is wise beyond his years. My issue is not with him.
The second SS is the complete opposite. Very clingy to his dad, or anyone that would pay attention to him. He CRAVES attention, yet he has very few friends. When I was 13, I was playing sports, riding my bike, hanging out with friends....ANYTHING but hanging with my parents.
This kid was born premature and almost died at birth so has been coddled by his parents. I get why, but at the same time there has to be a breaking point. He is 13.5!
So other than while he is playing on his computer, he is constantly coming to us and saying he is "bored". I detest that term. If I was bored as a kid, I would find something to do. He just wants to (literally) roll on the floor and whine.
But that's not even the worst of it! Since my daughter is 1, she has many toys in the common room. My SS will actually play with those toys, and pick out the musical ones, and constantly press buttons, touch them. To the point that it is annoying. He is not even showing my daughter what to do, she just plays while he presses the same buttons.
So it got to my breaking point and now I am sternly asking him not to play with the toys. He even took my daughter's play horn and put his mouth on it. Who does that?
Tonight he tried to crawl into a toy tunnel that I got my daughter. I asked him not to crawl in it. When he asked why, I told him that he is a big boy, could tear/stretch it, and it's meant for little kids. All of this is true. He whined about it but stopped.
Where the problem lies is that my DH and I constantly fight about it. He thinks I am specifically hating on his son. I am saying that at 13 1/2 he should be finding things to do. He should be more independent. My DH is correct in the sense that I have animosity for his son, but a lot of this has to do with the fact that I never hung out with my parents at that age. I certainly was not regressing and making loud noises to gather attention either.
I just don't know what to do. Am I out of line? How can we deal with this better? Any similar experiences?
SS is use to having all the
SS is use to having all the attention, you will not be able to change that,
I would simply give him things to do when he's bored..... tell him, oh so glad you have nothing to do, come and help me with the dishes, mopping the floors, cleaning the bathroom, all he wants is attention, or some one close to him, he can't be on his own.... thus you will give it to him... in forms of him actually helping you folding laundry or cleaning.... if he refuses then you tell him, well then you are not really bored,
Him playing with toddler toys.. again attention seeking, simply take it away and tell him, you are not 1 you are 13, leave the baby toys alone, you are damaging them...if your DH says then you hate his kid, laugh and say, no I don't hate your kid, I actually hate you for not raising this kid to know he's a teen not a baby, ... or something like that.
You could always tell SS, go and ask Dad to play with you.... when he enters the room and says he's bored, I sincerely hope DH is not leaving his teen children with you, while he's not at home, this is a big NO in step life, if the bio parent is not at home, the skids are not at home, you are not their parent and you sure as hell will not be the nanny.
skids can stay with BM if DH has to work, over and done with... If DH is at home during their visit... get SS to bug him then DH can go outside and play with SS...
oldy but goody:
oldy but goody: http://steptogether.org/help.html
"rolling on the floor
"rolling on the floor (literally)"
OMG do we have the same skid? YSS used to do this all the time.
We have the same problem but
We have the same problem but my SD is "only" 9. This has been the deal with her since she was 3 though.
She can't figure out how to entertain herself, needs constant adult interaction, wants to be praised and affirmed constantly, and plays with toddler toys and baby things. Same kid who would also prefer to bathe with the little ones instead of take a shower. Anything not to be away from us or alone.
We have same issue with toys. We want/need some baby toys in the main room to be able to keep an eye on the 2.5 and 15 month old while making dinner or something, but I don't think that means ALL the kid toys belong in the main living room. SD seems to think that since there are baby toys out that they're for all the kids to play with - she'll get into them and then of course never bother to put them away (and kind of makes it look like the little ones were responsible.) She also brings her toys downstairs and leaves them there instead of putting them away where they belong, which is in the designated playroom or in her gigantic private bedroom.
It's tough - the kid - like your SS- desperately wants attention. I feel bad for kids like these. Like, is your sense of self so fragile that you don't feel worthy or important unless some adult is fawning over you and praising you 24/7? My 2 year old could give a crap if we play with her or not. She does her thing.
But I've found that the "i'm bored" behavior can be headed off by randomly assigning chores too. The other day SD was hanging on me in the kitchen and I was ignoring her making some food, so she went over to DH and asked him, "whatcha doin'? whatcha doin'?" as he was washing some dishes in the sink, and I said, "You know, SD, you're old enough now to wash dishes, since you don't have anything to do, we can give you some things to wash." She walked away.
I'm with you though- in general I thought kids could be a lot more independent than this- since being a SM I'm constantly surprised. But then there's the increase in expectations on parents too- SD's school makes us go to the office sign her out if we're 10 minutes late picking up from school. I'm a latch key kid of the 80's/90's, and my siblings and I pretty much raised each other. My parents were sometimes late getting me at school and I sat on the bench or the curb waiting. Or sometimes I walked home by myself. Now, forget it. I never thought of my parents as playmates. They did cool stuff with us, but it simply wasn't an option to hang around them waiting to be entertained. Anyway, times have changed and as you know, sometimes Stepkids are kind of special...
Oh thank goodness there are
Oh thank goodness there are others that understand me! This is a great place to be. I just KNEW I wasn't alone in this thinking.
I don't know what the rules are here about replying one by one or in a group response, so I will keep it short for now and address the common concerns/replies:
1. I've been through the whole "if you are bored you can do chores thing" many times. This is actually one place where my DH will step up for me. He will say the same thing to his son. But the thing is, the kid is so lazy he won't actually do any chores! The suggestion will cut off his whining for a temporary time, but a few hours later guess what comes up again? I suggested to DH that they pay for an activity for him to attend, and for about 2 years (this ended a year ago when he entered grade
he was in weekly gymnastics. But then the BM insisted that high school is so overwhelming for him, so he shouldn't be in any extra activities. Ok then.
2. He actually was tested for Aspergers and Autism. He is diagnosed with ADHD, to the point where his BM loves that he has a diagnosis! She then made matters 1000x worse by saying that he forgot his electronics and homework at our home routinely because he has a DISORDER. And she not only capitalized that to us via email, but she told her own kid that he is forgetful because he has a disorder. Who does that? Now he has a complex. The kid forgets things because he is lazy and his dad is sick of picking up after him at this age. And it is so true about schools now and how they placate to kids. He has a class with an assistant just to help him get organized with his homework! When I was in school (i'm 40) if we were doing bad, we got a bad grade, plain and simple.
3. One of the main issues I have about this is the constant defensiveness of my DH. Even if I showed him this forum (which I won't!) he would still defend his son to the death. And I get that, especially now since I have a kid of my own, but honestly, I feel that this defense is clouding his judgment. He wants to go to counseling over this! I told him I would "win", which in hindsight probably wasn't the best thing to say, but of course I meant that my reasoning makes so much sense as opposed to his defensive "you just hate my kid" stance. I don't hate his kid, but I definitely resent his kid for his actions.
Oh and I did forget to
Oh and I did forget to mention about the whole babysitting/nannying thing. I have had a huge issue since almost the beginning that I am not here to supplement the working schedules of the parents. My DH looks after his sons for the most part, but in the summer his schedule changes at work and there are going to be days in which I am home all day with my kid and his two boys. (This is on my day off of work!) And you know why? Because the BM doesn't care if they are with me or their dad, she just wants to be rid of them! And you all know why.
Last year I put my foot down and said no way am I here to supplement the fact that dad has to work and the DM just wants her Saturdays off. Screw that. But this year my DH emailed her about changing the schedule and she has of course not responded. If I was him, I would say, this is how it is, I would like access to my boys of my days off because of my schedule, and these are my days off. But he won't do that for us. So I am plotting, thinking of ways to cover these Saturdays twice a month where they expect me to be the babysitter. Since the kids can't even make their own lunches or breakfasts a 13 and 16 I don't expect it take long until their mom gets barraged from complaining texts from them. I refuse to make food for them. I was doing laundry, cooking, cleaning all way before their ages. And I have my kid to take care of. So I actually hope that they all come to the conclusion that it would be better for the kids to visit on another day that their dad has off. Unfortnately I think my DH likes the "break" he has from his kids when he is at work, so that's why he isn't standing up for me much this time. The good thing is, since the SS13 gets so bored easily, he can't cope with being here alone or with his brother (laws allow him to be home alone where we live), so sometimes he goes back to his mom's (5 mins away by car) for attention.
I am glad that there are people here that understand this plight. I don't mind helping out from time to time, but I am certainly not the nanny when the two parents have other things that they refuse to amend because I am the easy solution.
kyden - on your day off..
kyden - on your day off.. arrange to leave the house early in the morning with your children.....
and simply tell DH - I will not look after your children, you better talk to BM, they are her children, and if you are not available I'm not available.
put your foot down.... BM can drop them of at a daycare center or with her parents, just not with you
EDIT to ADD: Tell DH your day-off has been cancelled lol...
That's the problem. They are
That's the problem. They are 13 and 16 and should not need daycare! She just doesn't want to feed them during the day and she wants to be able to have her every other Saturday night off.
I'm thinking of emailing the BM (which I never do) because I am so fed up.
Thanks for the advice. You are right something has to give.
as SuperJew once said on here
as SuperJew once said on here - I you dare emailing BM I will personally super glue your fingers together and you will not be able to type anything!!!!
This is between you and DH - DH is the one who has to tell her, sorry my wife is not your free babysitter, I'm not at home I'm working you can keep the children for the day,
Thus leave BM out of it, simply tell your husband how it will be.... either he takes his brats with him to the office, arrange babysitting services for them, or drop them at family..... but you will not look after them.
Well DH wouldn't budge on any
Well DH wouldn't budge on any of the skid related issues, so we are officially taking a break from each other, effective immediately. Not sure what is going to happen next, but I am not wavering in my convictions, so it looks like after 6 years we may be calling it quits. We are not married, but we were engaged and he has asked for the ring back so I gave it to him. I think I should be more upset about the whole thing but I am not.
Now if he comes groveling
Now if he comes groveling back ignore him.....
this might be for the best, even if it's just a break from one another....
You should've asked him, so are you breaking it off then SO?? If he said yes, laugh and say - the person being dumped keeps the ring idiot, I'm keeping it, going to pawn it and fix things your brats damaged
No. You are not wrong.
No. You are not wrong.
What happened? Did you two
What happened? Did you two get back together?