I have read quite a bit of posts here from users who are under a lot of stress and say they hate their step sons/daughters. I feel for every person whose posts I read and it certainly helps my situation knowing there are others out there who have the same feelings I have had. I have a 10 year old step son and a 6 year old step daughter, and I too have admitted to hating them in the past to my wife. It hurts to let me hear myself hate that, and it certainly hurt my wife to hear me say that. Unfortunately step parents are driven to the edge and we do what we have to do... Or say what we have to say... We only feel those horrible feelings when we feel we are cornered, and out of options since every previous option has failed.

My wife and I had started going to counceling a while back, which has certainly helped. During the sessions I have always tried to keep an open mind and accept responsibility for things that I have done wrong. Trust me, if you haven't tried a counselor, I would highly suggest it. My wife and I have been together for 5 years now, and many times I think how horribly our relationship would have ended long ago if we had not started counseling.

I used to have these feelings of hate for my step kids a lot. It was a year ago and before that I just couldnt stand them any more, and many times I was ready to quit and go back to being single with no kids. However, this last year has been the best year of our relationship. My wife and I still fight once in a while, but finally for a change the fights are not about the kids. We fight about different issues only, say money or our own attitudes toward each other. About a year ago, the counselor helped me find a trick to dealing with the step children.

I used to try to interact with the step kids a lot, and worry about raising them the right way. Unfortunately for them, their biological father killed himself when they were very young, say when the girl was 1 year old and the boy was 5 years old. It unfortunate that he died, but it is good for me since I don't have to worry about dealing with an ex-husband. I wanted to accept these kids and raise them how I would raise my own biological kids. I wanted to be the real father since they had no other father. Sadly, but good in the end, I had finally come to the point where I realized I can never be the real dad. It felt like I had to let them go, which was difficult. I realized that no matter how hard I try, I can never be as close to them as a blood relative.

I used to worry about the son doing good in school. He failed and continues to fail. I used to worry and be annoyed with his autistic traits and ticks. I yelled, I screamed, I punished, I wanted him to turn his assignments in on time. I used to worry about the little girl peeing her pants, or not flushing the toilet. I used to worry about them wrecking the house. I used to hate the little girl, it used to seem she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. The more I hated, and the more I screamed and yelled, the more my wife, the biological mother defended them and felt sorry for them. That drove me to insanity.

I had come to the conclusion that I had to separate myself from them. This included physically separating myself from them most of the time, and to mentally separate myself from them. Now I let their mother almost completely do the raising. I let her dish out the punishments, even though sometimes I feel that she is not harsh enough. I force myself to stand back and stay out of everything. I force myself not to be concerned with what they do. If they do something that bothers me, I tell my wife and let her deal with it. I force myself to trust her in raising her own children. I force myself to be nice to the children no matter what they do. I force myself to not let them bother me, then I force myself to be concerned about my own life. Now I worry about my own problems. I try not to be around them too much and separate myself to work on my own hobbies. It's hard, I mean I worry about the son becoming a failure. But now I have to accept that if he becomes a failure, then oh well!! Life is good now.

It's amazing what has happened since I have taken my new approach. I have realized that I actually do LOVE the kids. I know that the girl loves me, she has finally accepted me, and we have become closer, even though I have tried to distance myself from the kids. It's weird how that has worked. The boy still seems farther than her however, and I am fine with that. Perhaps one day we will be as close as the girl and I are. I know that the kids LOVE me, and I love them.

I came here today because started to feel hateful, frustrating, and irritated with the boy's poor performance in school. I recieved a report from the teacher about his numerous missing assignments. I wanted to punish him, I wanted to make his life miserable, I felt myself hating him again. Instead, I called his mother and told her about it. I told her I trusted her to deal with him. Now, after writing this, I am not angry anymore and try to force myself not to think of him. I've got my own life to worry about and I want to do something fun and enjoy myself instead.

In short, if you feel hateful and frustrated - try to remove yourself from them mentally and physically. If they do something that bothers you, try not to worry about it. If you can't let it go, go to the biological father/mother and try to let them handle it. Trust your spouse. If you worry less about the kids, you will have more time to enjoy yourself. I realize that it may not be as easy for some as it has for me. But for those of you who can't do it as easy, just try your best to enjoy and separate yourself from kids who try to make you hate them, and try to get the biological father/mother to hate you. Keep cool, don't yell, try to be nice no matter how hard it is. Over time things may change.

There are some good books I have read that have helped me deal with the step-parenting and blended family problems. I don't have the titles now, but if anyone's interested I will find out what they are. They have contributed to raising my mental health and helped a lot to lower my stress level.

Enjoy yourself!