Your relationship should be first, period. It doesn't matter if you are raising Bios or Skids. Kids know when there is chink in the Armour and will expose that fragility. Never mind that kids NEED a solid foundation.

Ever fly on air plane? I think this advice (anaolgy) sums up raising children and relationships:

"In the case of deployment of emergency oxygen, your first priority is to put on your own mask. If the cabin is depressurized, you face the risk of loss of consciousness. Putting on your mask first decreases the risk of your passing out before having the opportunity to help your children....."

First of all....... WRONG!!!

The "kids" shouldn't come above your marriage. This does not mean that one partner will neglect the kids. this only means that your spouse is at your same level, and you are both a team to parent the kids. You are not your kid's team, that is, if you want to successfully parent anybody. The minute you feel that your spouse's first priority is the kids, is when things start to go wrong...

It is inevitable to feel some sort of jealousy there, especially when they are not your kids, thus, not your first priority. This means that you two are not on the same page, which leads to different goals, which ultimately leads to unsatisfaction, which you know what that leads to.

She is also "full of it" when she says "if i had a stepchild that child would come first just like my own children." yeah right, she clearly, has no idea what she is talking about, and is showing an incredible lack of empathy.

My husband had a daughter with his ex girlfriend, she is now 6. I had a son with someone that has never been part of my life, he is now 2.5 We do not have children of our own. Our marriage comes first and foremost, we are the the team, and each other's opinions are what matters the most. This means, if my son or stepdaughter want something a certain way, and DH or I do not agree, we will go with what our spouse wants. We will take sides with each other and not the children, even if we disagree. Of course I will make sure my son is fed, dressed, loved, etc... This is not a "who do you love more?" type of question. Children grow up, and the life cycle continues, they find their love, they have their kids, and their spouse should be their priority as their kids will grow up, find their love have their kids, etc...

Marriages that are based on having the kids as a priority, don't know how to function when the kids move out of the house, the couple finds out that their "goal" in their marriage is gone, and thus, marriage fails.

Getting to the more practical side, what people don't understand is that when your spouse explicitly tells you that YOU are number one priority, you feel the king/queen of his/her world! you feel like it is your responsibility now to parent those kids. In the other hand, if your spouse tells you "you are second", your heart fills with jealousy. Trust me, been there, done that. DH told me that ONCE, only ONCE, and it was enough for me to realize that I did not want to be married to someone who had me in a second place. He realized this as well, and "changed", understood my point of view, and lets me know that I am number #1 in words and actions.

Hope this helped...

hmmm sounds to me like its just a woman thing. TO women the bond between parent and child is infinite, that bond goes far and beyond any relationship. You have said that you accept it, even if you dont fully understand it. Her reaction was probably instinctive, but it was also vindictive. For someone to take on two children as his own is something to be proud of.

Food for thought...

If someone hurt those children how would you feel? (murderous, then you do feel what their mother feels)

And do you want to remain with someone who wouldnt trust you to raise those children if something happened to her?

What a great man you are, you have been honest and have obviously cared for those children. I sincerely hope things work ou for the best.

Kids should not and do not come before the relationship. You raise your kids to leave the nest not stay with you into their 30s. What was she planning to do. Ignore you until the kids leave and then all of a sudden want to be your best friend again?

Amazing. it's so refreshing to see that a marriage is just as important as the children. The children will grow up one day and leave, not making thier parents their number one priority.
It's seems to me, and my husband said the same thing to me that his kids will come first before any wife, girlfriend or any relationship, that these people have us around as someone to fall back onto. An extra paycheque to help raise the kids? a live in babysitter? Someone to pass the time with? I dont know but it does hurt when someone you love very much just shoves you aside like an old pair of slippers. To me they might as well say " i dont care if your dying in on the streets somewhere as long as it's not my kids". The just might as well say it...hurts all the same to me.

So, why is it so many people on here get it, but our spouses dont'?
No one wants to feel second but you can't control how your parnter feels. i could tell my husband for example that i will not come second to his children, but in his mind he will screw that up and interpret it how it will suite him and tell me to hit the pavement.
I see it now that my parents put their kids first, and now that we have all moved out, my dad is miserable and my mom is very unhappy. They dont connect anymore, they dont have kids side tracking them on the real issues in their marriage. They dont know who eachother is anymore and have come to be 2 very different people. This is exactly what happens with the marriage is not as important as the kids.

SDiL

Welcome to our community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and get some useful advice from others navigating the challenges of blended family life.

I believe that there is a fundimental flaw in the core of both your perspective and that of your wife.

The core of the family is not the children. It is the marriage/adult relationship at it's core that is the heart of the family.

The marriage comes first. PERIOD! If hte marriage is not first for you and your spouse then the Skids are not getting the total benefit that comes with having a quality adult relationship at the core of the family.

The children, bio or step, benefit from the quaity of hte adult relationship but they should never come before the marriage. EVER

My parents will celebrate their 48th anniversary next week. On more than one occassion during times when I had my head up my ass as a child/young adult my Dad let me know in no uncertain terms that I should never make the mistake of putting him in a position between choosing between my Mom and I. His wife (Mom) would win that question every time.

When we decided to marry my wife and I discussed and came to the agreement that I would be an equity parent with her and the SpermIdiot for our son (my SS) and our marriage would always come before the kid or extended family.

We have abided by that agreement.

Our wills are very clear. She is my sole heir and beneficiary. I am hers. If she were to predecease me whild our son (my SS) is a minor, he goes to me. I would use every cent available to fight hte SpermClan for him. That is a battle they don't have the resources or the grey matter to win.

So, I would recommend that you provide your wife with absolute clarity on who gets the kids upon here demise. I would let her know with your next pay check that if you are not dad, your money does not support anyone but you. If the marriage is not the priority in your home then your resources should disappear for a while to drive the point home.

You gladly support the kids They are your kids. Your wife's opinion of your quality as a parent is offensive and very hurtful to you IMHO.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards.