What have I gotten myself into?
Hi all, I just joined this group because I'm pretty sure I'm going to need an outlet and a sense of community in the days ahead.
My SO has 50% custody of his dd11 and ds9. When we first started seeing each other, he stayed with family members during his kid days. Even after he moved in with me, we stuck with that arrangement because bm didn't want them around me. This was fine with both of us because we wanted to ease into it..I had only hung out with his kids a couple of times anyway. For a while the bm and my SO tried reducing his time to every other weekend instead of 50/50. I loved it but eventually she decided she couldn't handle having them that much and one day out of the blue asked if they could go back to the original co and wanted to know if we could have their rooms ready for the upcoming weekend. It happened so fast I feel like I've been caught in a whirl wind. I didn't know them at all and now all the sudden they are at my house half the time. It has been almost 4 weeks and I am miserable. I am depressed and stressed out all the time now and I spend the kid days just counting down the hours until they are gone. I have been reading the forums and have recognized so much of my situation them--including bm drama, spoiled princess little girls, SO giving his ex too much money "for the kids", and a million other things. My head is spinning now that the abstract concepts of his ex and kids have become flesh and bone realities in my life. I don't even want to think about life without him and we plan to get married someday but I wonder if I will ever get used to this kid thing. I miss the days when I was protected from this. I knew they existed but no matter how much he talked about his psychotici ex and the problems the kids were having with their breakup, none of it had gotten real until now. This is way more than I expected.
That is pretty much the way
That is pretty much the way it happens to a lot of us. Skids exist, they're in a separated little world because BM wants it that way. Yaay, you don't have to have them in your home all the time! Then suddenly BM realizes it's better for HER if the skids come stay with you every weekend or every other week and suddenly you have skids thrust on you.
It doesn't get better.
You are not more entitled to
You are not more entitled to the man than his children are... I am new to this site and will be on here a lot!!!! Can you please go into more detail about how the women in a mans life is more entitled than the children he has? My dad remarried and he dropped all efforts to help his kids. My mom said something to that effect when I was venting to her about it. But the love of my life is such a great dad but his kids always come first as far as phone calls (If he is on the phone with them he dosnt switch over or If i am on the phone with him and they call he says thats the kids gotta go no matter what we are talking about) and what they want (I dont eat chicken but his kids want chik-fil-et and thats where we go). How do I express (with out sounding B*chy) that I am the one that makes him happy everyday and they just call when they want something (80% of the time). Ex dosnt remind the kids to call so he might get a call from the kids a few times a week and he only has them physically for 2 weekends a month. I feel for him because he is such a great dad for the fact that he dosnt get much time to shape who they will be (since the ex dosnt even teach please and thank you I had too). we are not married but want to move in together when I am done with school. I just need to know if that is really true that I am entitled to more.
Some red flags I picked up
Some red flags I picked up on...
"he stayed with family members during his kid days"
"we stuck with that arrangement because bm didn't want them around me"
"she decided she couldn't handle having them that much and one day out of the blue asked if they could go back to the original co"
"his psychotici ex and the problems the kids were having with their breakup"
In a BEST case scenario, a sm will walk into a man's life who has a stable home, where kids are well adjusted, bm is stable, etc. He will have properly grieved the loss of his marriage, and be ready to welcome a new woman into his life. You are experiencing the complete opposite. It's no wonder you are miserable!
BM is still in control of him. He visited his children in family members' homes...not stable. Apparently bm is psychotic, not to mention the kids are not dealing well with the divorce/break up. Which means they have either f*cked them up, or it is too soon. It looks like he was out shopping for a new mom so that his kids could have a stable home, yet he is still taking direction from the bm and expects you to as well.
What about him is it that you don't want to lose?! Because he sounds like a real catch...
"In a BEST case scenario, a
"In a BEST case scenario, a sm will walk into a man's life who has a stable home, where kids are well adjusted, bm is stable, etc. He will have properly grieved the loss of his marriage, and be ready to welcome a new woman into his life."
You should write a book on this. I will give you material to expound upon
It will get worse and look
It will get worse and look bio-mothers die and otherwise can't take care of their kids. This one has already shown signs of not wanting to take care of her own and your SO could end up with them 100% of the time. It would be just as fast as the 50/50. What a misery party that would be
Tell your SO that this was a mistake and you're sorry but you'll have to leave. Also consider not having any children of your own. Find a guy who doesn't want or can't have kids to marry. There is nothing wrong with a woman admitting it - I've met several in my life but many more who were miserable because they throught it was expected of them. Parents and peer pressure all should be ignored.
depending on how long you've
depending on how long you've been with this guy...RUNNNNNNN!!!...I've been stuck in this situation for 3 years now and I love my boyfriends kids more than I love him at this point. They have more of a back bone then my dam boyfriend does when it comes to his BM....I go through none stop drama and I have my days where I just want to run away but I cant because if I do all hell breaks loose!! make sure this is love if so..Some of it gets better. I always told myself that if I ever dated a man with kids they would have to be boys girls are always daddys girls and tend to require much more attention if they were boys. My boyfriends boys and I got along from the beginning we had some rough patches but its nothing like it was then that it is now. But if I had it to do over I wouldnt have stayed AT ALL and that has nothing to do with the kids it has more to do with my boyfriend. Just make sure that your boyfriend is supportive and understand that they all live in YOUR HOUSE so its not that your trying to make ALL of the rules but you will have some kind of say so in your own house. The rest good luck because BM's some are the fucking devil and do shit just because the woke up that day and said ...hmmmm, how can I make them mad today!!..good luck!!
Make friends out of town or
Make friends out of town or state. It helps me whenever SD is thrust on our house to get a ticket and get out of Dodge.
"This is way more than I
"This is way more than I expected"
FOR SURE! I get teary eyes when I read most of these posts. I thought I was alone in feeling this. I understand you 100%!!