things are strange
Been with a guy for 5yrs who has a daughter...ive known her since she was 3..now she is 8. Every Christmas I dont have any say in anything. Its all about his daughter and his family. I usually spend christmas at my parents house because I cant deal with the nonexistence feeling I get during christmas in my own home or when his family is over. Anyway, over the years what I have always noticed about him and his daughters relationshiim /or his weekends with her...is that its normally only them two alone together. He stays home alone with her almost always. He doesnt hangout with other parents and their kids. I think it is like that because he wants to control everythingevery. ..and what better way to control her environment, who she talks to, and what she does, then to keep her at home with him. Another thing I have noticed over the years is, he talks to her like an adult, always. He explains things to her, when sometimes they dont need explaining. I have noticed this. Im not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing but sometimes I think its overkill, and its exhausting to be around. It seems as if perhaps he is wanting to be her friend and not necessarily her parent/father. Recently during his weekend with her, he and I were trying to make plans on a place we could go that day, I mentioned a place to him and he said yes that sounds like fun I would want to go....but I have to see if sabrina will want to do that too. I was a little taken back after he said that. I didnt realize that his 8yrold daughter had her choice in the matter....since she would be the child in the equation and her needs would be provided for....but she would be coming along because that is where the adults have decided to go. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. I felt really awkward after he said that, and I decided I wasnt interested in doing anything with them that weekend.
Another recent incident, he and I got into a heated argument in our bedroom....she was in her bedroom on the other side of the house. He had told me abother "half truth" or Lie about something so we argued and doors slammed a few times and then I left the house. I stayed away the entire next day. Then the following day he and I talked and he says Sabrina doesnt want to talk to you anymore now after she heard our fight. I told him im sorry but she is 8yrsold and I dont care because she is a child, and just the fact that he would repeat that to me is offensive to me. He then told me that doesnt fly with him...not caring what his daughter thinks.
I am dumbfounded. I dont feel like I have much of a man or a partner in this relationship. Am I just supposed to put up and shut up? Because thats what I currently do and im not happy about it.
Things most likely aren't
Things most likely aren't going to change. If he is this way now, it will probably only get wrose, as she gets older. The fact that he even entertained the idea that his daughter has a right to be mad at you because of a fight the 2 of you had- WOW.
My DH (before when he was just my fiance) tried that bullshit once. It was our first MAJOR fight that we had and HE let his girls (19, 16, 13) get involved by even relaying what was going on between us to them.
So when we talked on the phone a couple of days later, trying to make up, he said "Well you owe my girls an apology."
Ha ha- I said you can fuck off. I dont anyone an apology for an agurment that I have with my fiance. If I owe anyone, its you. It's our relationship and no one else's.
And I hung up the phone and I didnt talk to him for a few more days until he came crawling back and apologized to me for being an ass.
My DH knows better then to pull that b.s with me ever again.
Sounds like your SO is way over involved with his daughter, not in a good way, to allow her to be independent or allow her to still be a kid.
You're supposed to live your
You're supposed to live your life in a way that will make you happy. With people that value and respect you, preferably with people that love you. Doesn't sound like this guy you're living with does any of that. He has a wife and she is 8 years old. He already has his committed relationship and sadly, that is not with you. He is incredibly unlikely to change, so what you should do is figure out if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life.
"He has a wife and she is 8
"He has a wife and she is 8 years old."
YES. This is a mini-wife situation and there's plenty of info about that here as well.
Wow. Its such an odd dynamic
Wow. Its such an odd dynamic isn't it? I need to take my power back as a woman I suppose. Right now he acts as if he doesnt care what I say. When I try and talk to him....he says to me Are you done? Or he will say Are you done..Go to Bed. Its as if im talking to a wall. He doesnt care what I say at all. Im disgusted by this whole situation.
I think its so disrespectful. He talks down to me. And every time we argue he tells me to get out of HIS house, and to move out. Its crazy.
When he and I got into a heated argument recently that resulted in his daughter overhearing....apparently she heard me say to him go kill yourself.....during the fight about half truths he always tells me. and now she doesnt want to talk to me anymore. He is trying to make me feel guilty now about this is what it seems..
I dont even know what to do at this point.
This is abuse, plain and
This is abuse, plain and simple. Take his advice and get out. Save yourself.
Just a friendly reminder that
Just a friendly reminder that talking to someone who is being abused like this is what keeps them with their abuser.
Yes, really. Asking sarcastic
Yes, really. Asking sarcastic questions like "Does it turn you on when he talks down to you?" can make someone who's been living that life feel very ashamed. She is already being told that her feelings and opinions are worthless. If you want to help someone in this kind of situation, try not to make them feel even shittier about themselves and their choices. I get that you're trying to help but your approach isn't the best.
Leave the crow for asshats
Leave the crow for asshats like OP's SO and just try to do better next time
You live and you learn.
Wasn't the heated argurment
Wasn't the heated argurment over the fact that he lied, and had his mother help him lie in order to spend Halloween with the EXW as a happy little family becasue Sabrina loves it? You said you were done and gone. We all hoped you made it out and would find the right person for you. But you stayed, and now you're speaking of Christmas. Of course his family ignores you...again his mother helped him see the BM behind your back. Of course his daughter isn't speaking to you, he doesn't teach her respect or boundaries and of course he is lieing and verbally abusing you, YOU ARE LETTING HIM. What have you said with your actions? I'll tell you you have said...
1 I will accept lies on a weekly basis and be ok with it.
2 I don't mind if you see your ex behind my back, it's fine.
3 I think pretty low of myself so the fact that you give more rights and respect to an 8 year old child is just fine with me.
STOP STOP STOP!!!
Get out, don't even wait a week. Pack your stuff and run. I bet you there is a man out there waiting for a chance to show you that you are his one and only. This is not that guy. Don't define your happiness with a ring on your finger. That doesn't bring happiness especially when dealing with the dad you're dealing with. GET OUT!!!
I'm in a similar situation
I'm in a similar situation myself so I feel somewhat ill-equipped to advise. Mostly I want to let you know you aren't alone, you aren't crazy.
Christmas is supposed to be about family and joy and togetherness. Its not for spoiling children or making others feel invisible. You'd think they would want their children to experience and learn what its like to give to others, to be inclusive, to do something nice. He is setting her up for a life of let downs if she's led to believe that everything is about her.
He will suffer the consequences big time when this child is 10, 14, 18 years old and acts like his equal. I know because I'm living this now with SD12 and SS14. DH liked to ask me what we should do that day or where we should eat and then immediately turn to skids and ask the same thing. Of course they contradict whatever I've just said and he acts like we can't possibly make decisions the children don't fully agree with. They couldn't set up a more tense situation if they tried.
We had our first fight while the skids were here just this summer. The way the skids treat me has gotten much much worse since. I think this just goes to show the unhealthy relationship produced when parent's act like the kids are in charge.They think the adults in the home are seeking their approval. Whatever you do, please don't feed into this delusion. Children don't get to determine how the relationship between two adults goes. Its not about her. If she heard doors slam and it was upsetting, let him deal with it as a parent should. You don't owe her an apology. I once made the mistake of apologizing profusely for something I shouldn't have and it only empowered the skids in thinking they have control and its all about them.
If you haven't already, I suggest you consider disengaging. There's plenty of info about that here.Though disengaging didn't fix my skids, it has allowed me to stay somewhat sane in the face of some ridiculous shit. Stay strong, keep us updated.
I had already written this
I had already written this before she responded with the terrible way he speaks to her. I hope she gets out.
Mini-wife Red Flag alert !!!!
Mini-wife Red Flag alert !!!!
This will most likely not get better without some serious intervention and strict boundaries. You deserve more in your relationship. I would move on rather then put all that work into someone who does not seem to value you.
I appreciate the comments. I
I appreciate the comments. I want to clarify though after we argue and after he says to move out he normally apologizes for saying it and says it isnt what he really wants he was just really mad.
For the most part, the house we share is vacant and silent during the week. No one is over and we both tend to our own business. I work fulltime and have somewhat of a commute. I just dont want it to seem as if things arent functional because they are and have been for several years of living together.
And I would say I am heavily disengaged already. By choice. just to make things easier.
Well that's great, take a day
Well that's great, take a day off from work and during those quiet hours at his house pack you stuff and move out. Get a place closer to work that way the commute won't be so bad and you'll be much happier. Traffic is a mighty bitch.
You are surviving, not
You are surviving, not living. I know because I've done it, a lot.
"I want to clarify though after we argue and after he says to move out he normally apologizes for saying it and says it isnt what he really wants he was just really mad."
This is how most emotional abuse works. If abusers didn't employ some damage control, there would be no one around for them to mistreat. He does just enough to keep you without really considering or caring for you.
This site has been immensely helpful to me in dealing with the abusive relationships in my life. He doesn't have to have a personality disorder for the info to apply. Please check it out.
http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Top100Traits.html
Are you seeing a therapist for yourself? If not, why not try it?
http://www.outofthefog.net/Co
http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/AbusiveCycle.html
For five years you've just
For five years you've just gone to spend the holiday with your family, separate from him, because he excludes you? My dear, you've put up with that for four years too long. After the first time you should've just told him to leave and not come back.
member1234l- I am going
member1234l- I am going through a similar situation with a mini-wife.
DH should get therapy. If it doesn't work, leave.
Mine started going to therapy. So far it is NOT working... He just feels more entitled to have these feelings like he owes 'everything' to his daughter, while making me feel guilty for his daughter not liking me.
I'm giving him 2 months of therapy, and if he is not better, I'm gone. We all deserve better than this type of treatment from someone we love/loves us... Good Luck.