SKs are enough, no bio kids for me.
Me: 30 years old, married to DH43, living with and raising SS18 and SD16.
I always thought I'd have my own kids, not because I'm a clucky sort of person, I just thought it was something I would do. Having agonised over it for a year, I'm deciding I probably won't have my own kids. Raising SS18 and SD16 over the last 4 years full time and four years part time before that, and being frustrated and disappointed so often, I can't bring myself to give up even more of my life for someone else. I need some time for me, for us. Even as they grow older, they are no more useful, helpful or nice to be around, than they were three years ago. What's also sealing the deal for me is that DH is not any more enamoured with them than I am, not by much anyway. Not because he doesn't like children, but because his are so disappointing. They're unambitious, inconsiderate, and have no initiative or independent thought processes. On the other hand they're not nasty kids, they are both nice people with lots of friends, they don't have a disability or anything, but it sure aint doing it for me. Sure it might be different with my own, but how much different can it really be? I'd still be putting my life on hold for them, and I've given up so much already. My budding career earnings have gone into them and house that can accommodate them.
Have you made this decision and loved it or regretted it?
I think you may regret that
I think you may regret that one. Skids are not at all biokids. What you are missing is the bond you feel with bio kids and they with you. You can not experience that until you have your own. I never understood this until I actually had my own child. I am in the adult forum (step parents with adult kids) and no one seems to have the same affinity or bond with skids. There is no comparison.
Children bring a joy and love that can't adequately be described in words. It's not something you want to miss out on.
If you were making the decision to remain childless based on the desire to not have children alone, I'd respect that. Basing it on skids, however, is a different story. I think you will experience a great deal of loss for people who probably don't care much about you.
You may think you have lots of time, but you don't. Having children starts to get harder into your mid to late 30s.
Before I had children, I took over trying to help raise my sister's kids who had died. I was in their lives from 10,12 to 14,16. Let me tell you, this is not the age to figure out whether or not you like kids. I felt so beat up and rejected by my nephews, I would never want to go through that again. It's hard enough being around teenagers when they are yours. When they are not, oiy vey!
I've talked to my DH about this who has grown kids. We both agreed that when they are yours you have much more patience and perseverance through the teenage yrs (though it's really hard).
What prepares you is all the years you missed with stepkids. The baby years, the toddler years etc... You fall in love and become bonded, esp when you are the mom not someone else! You just can't judge parenthood on 14-16 year old step kids. None of us would have kids if we did I suppose.
I work with the elderly. Your kids become the most important people to you as you age and become more dependent on others and isolated from society. I know that reality is hard to imagine at your age, but like everything else, it happens before you know it. No one seems to think it will, including the elderly. Your kids are with you the rest of your life. I can attest from the adult step kids forum that step kids are not with you.
This is especially true for you as you are like me, a husband 10 yrs or more your senior. Men die on average 7 yrs sooner then we do. My MIL had a spouse 15 years her senior. She's been a widow for 12 yrs now and he lived into his 80s! I'm not saying this to scare you but this is simply reality.
I think you will very much regret this choice. Especially if you make this due to adult skids. You can pour your life into adult skids and they walk away with no bond to you. This rarely happens with adult kids.
Your own children also give you a strong sense of family within DHs family you didn't have before. Suddenly, skids and their problems are no longer the center of the universe. You and your new little family become what's important.
You may want to drop into the adult skids forum and talk to the women who have adult skids and those who have no children of their own. You'd get some sage advice.
Thanks jennaspace, you've hit
Thanks jennaspace, you've hit on a lot of things I've thought about. Men living shorter lives (doesn't help there's heart disease in his family too), the bond with biokids, the loneliness in old age, the unfortunate timing of having skids.
My issue is that we've poured all this time and energy into them and we'll be lucky to get our lives back from them within the next five years. And then I want to enjoy some freedom! And I know that biokids will take that away, even if it seems to be much more enjoyable than skids, I"m more than well aware of the toll babies, toddlers and little kids take on your every waking moment. I'm just not sure that the wonderful time that you can have with your biokids between the ages of 5-11 are worth it.
I'm well aware of having children becoming significantly harder in an exponential fashion now that I've hit 30, which is why I've been stressing about making this decision now. I'm also concerned with my husband's age. He's certainly no spring chicken, even if I can balance it out with my (relative) youth.
Thanks for the advice, every bit helps, I think I will drop into the other forums.
I've observed that many of my
I've observed that many of my childless friends are those who essentially raised their younger siblings when they were young. All that work for someone who wasn't their child. It sounds like you are experiencing something similar. I think it's esp daunting with skids because you don't probably won't reap the relational rewards that you would even with a sibling.
I get what you're saying, I really do. Having children does take away a lot of freedom. Do you have family around that can babysit your kids? Family that will dote on your bios? If you do, you can have some freedom. If you don't you'll be like me. It's worth it IMO, but the people who have family nearby who will babysit seem to have a completely different experience (more carefree) than those of us who can't.
I still say the relationship you will have will be worth the sacrifice. It is a sacrifice though. You are wise to recognize that.
It's a big decision, I'll say a prayer for wisdom.
I think only you can answer
I think only you can answer this one. I thought about this the same way, I spent the last 3 years with SD7 and since I almost loath her entire existence, I worried I didn't have it in me! This is SO hard, who wants a kid like the bastard SD?? Not me!!! This lazy, ungrateful, rude, nasty dirty 7 year old makes me cringe that she would/will be my kid's sister. YUCK!
Here is where I am at, I refuse to allow the lazy DNA of baby mama to destroy the legacy of my DNA. My future kid needs to balance the nasty shame that SD brings to the family name. Sounds harsh because she's only 7, but trust me to know her mother, and the vile things that fly out of this young person's mouth are horrifying! I decided SD wasn't going to have control over my decision either way.
Our legitimate children, have so much to bring to the world, and IF having your own kid was like having a step kid, no one would have children!
Decide for yourself and your husband, and life. Leave the step people out of it! Live your own life! Good luck