ss16 looks identical to BM and she abandoned him 4.5 years ago and I have been stuck raising him via DH. At times I want to face BM and slap her until she cannot see through her swollen face, but instead I feel like slapping ss16's face. Weird how we project our dislike onto the kid.

Absolutely nothing you can do to keep from having negative feelings. You don't have to act on them. Most of the time I manage to be civil to my SDs, and this is ALL I can manage.

Things would be easier without her, but what helped me was to put that child in the same category as myself and realize that the child is just as much a victim as I and has to deal with that same bat-shit-crazy that I do only I feel worse for her because she actually has to live in BM's house half of the time.

That child did not choose their parents and cannot control the fact that their relationship was/continues to be toxic. I'm sure given the choice they would not have chosen to be a child of divorce and have to put up with any of the changes that the parents have inflicted on them.

With that said, I realize that there are unique situations where the child has issues, especially around manipulation and mini wife syndrome, but if the only thing that is holding you back from loving this child is the shared bond between your SO and the BM, that is not something the child can control.

First you have to realize that your stepkid did NOT keep him in that marriage he kept himself in it. That child had no way of telling the people at the courthouse to not let him file papers. Your partner kept himself in that marriage. This is something I think many of us need to remember even myself however my DH was very upfront with me that he wanted to try to make it work with BM for SS but SS didn't trap him there.

I have an extensive amount of issues with BM and also issues with SS. SS frequently has a look that reminds me of BM, or knows how to bring her up at just the right time to bother me, or play the game to try attempt to turn households especially BM against me. I hate it. I hate the look he has when he looks like, BM and I hate the drama however I know this is not something that he learned from DH - BM is the ultimate victim and knows how to try to make it work for her.

I guess for me I just try to remember that SS had less say in being in this situation as I do. I could walk away at anytime he has a psycho mother he can't walk away at age 5. I try to remember that she has her house I have mine and I am not a parent so I have no reason to do anything but be supportive to my DH, and deal with what arises in my house - not much more. I will yes listen to DH and talk to him about stuff but I don't directly get involved with BM anymore so I live my life and simply interact with SS.

Feelings OK, acting out not. Continue to be the adult.

:? This is a tough one. I'm lucky in that my SD doesn't look much like her mom at all, and hopefully this won't change.

BUT, she brings certain behaviors from her mom's to our house. Her mom is irresponsible and entitled (sorry to the person who hates this word). She also treats SD like she's still three. So, SD comes back from mom's expecting to be waited on and feeling as though she shouldn't have to do anything for herself. (This also creates tension between FDH and I when he doesn't hold her accountable.)

All I can offer is to try and be patient and realize that she doesn't have a very good role model on the other side, but you and your SO can help to change that.

Sorry, I just realized that your post was more about SD being the reason his ex is still in the picture, rather than SD's behavior. Well, that's an even tougher one...I would say to try and stay out of the dynamics of the whole situation and not get involved with anything having to do with BM. I will listen to FDH's bitch fests about her, and be understanding for him, but there is no furthur involvement...I never talk to BM. I feel good that I can be there for FDH and let him get it out (we even end up laughing by making fun of her and calling her horrible names...I know, immature, but whatever helps.)

She's just one of the many unfortunate things that can be present in your life. Try to look at as though there could be something much worse...like a debilitating disease.

My stepmom met me at 8 and was a colossal douchebag to me until I was removed from the home by social services at 17 after she kicked my ass.

Why? Because she hated my mother. In the years since, she has shown genuine remorse and told me numerous times I was an excellent kid...she was just taking out her anger at my hot mess mother on me.

As a stepmom myself now with a BM I don't care for, I am *so* careful to never treat SKs how I was treated just because I cannot stand BM. It's a conscious choice. They didn't choose their mother any more than I chose mine.

You can not change how you feel, but you do need to have an outlet and support system in order to move past it. I suggest starting by having an open but non-confrontational conversation with you husband. But know that no child can keep an adult in a marriage - that is the decision of the adults in that marriage. If you want to love her, work on starting to like and respect her regardless of who her bm is. She did not have a choice in that matter. But pressuring yourself to feel "love" might be a little bit much right now.

Know that you chose to be with a man that has a child. That will not change, unless you choose to leave the relationship yourself. Just know that the child is not her mother, and there are ways to set up boundaries and lines with bm so that she does not interfere with your relationship with the child if that is the case.

Hope the comments help.