I appreciate there's this virtual space for me to rent, much cheaper than talking to a therapist and provide a private space to do so.

The woman that I love have been together for 8 years, during these 8 years we have never married, but we have lived together for the 7 of those 8, during those 8 years I've gone from a young undergrad student to a small business owner, in terms of my professional life, I know where I want to be and how I want to get there and where the end goal will look like, but our love life has move into a territory that the future is a complete unknown with little details to shed what the possibilities may hold.

We are from the opposite of the world, one from Asia and one from Europe, a man that everything with chopsticks and a woman that loves herrings, in the beginning we fell deep in love with each other, the fact that she had 2 kids from previous marriage did not bother me or the age difference, we quickly moved in together against my parents protest as they see the situation will end badly for both side as I'm inexperience as a father and the mess it may possibly cause on the kids, I insisted it'll be alright and worked hard to get to know the children, helped them dealing with their father's lack of presence and young woman's troubles. We've introduce each others to things that we are not familiar with, from traveling to each continent to dealing with loss of a parent for her, but few things that held us together has been the same family value we were brought up with.

Over the years, after one move involving buying the house, the loss of her father, and acquiring shelter animals, we are now at a place we've never been, we argued over smallest things, there had been an incident out of rage, she punched me in the face, I did tell her sternly that if that was to ever happen again, I would walk out the door, she apologize which I apologize quickly after, but everyday it seems to remain dark in our personal lives, I find comfort in my work, because it is something I've always wanted to do and its my own business, which has become part of our problems.

She has voice her frustration many times over how my work has gain more attention than rest of our lives, I often sit quietly and nod and apologize, but I often withheld the urge to tell her the truth, the truth is she broke my heart the day she told me she does not want any more children, that very simple statement shatter everything I dream of, a happy family, I sometimes find it difficult to even chat to my parents as the idea of children are often brought up, which is normal as friends and relatives my age are married with children, and me being the only son that sole possibilities of such thing can happen lies on my shoulders, but I do not have the heart to tell my parents no, the woman that I love, the woman that you told me will break my heart one day, does not want any more children, even know I'll give 20 years of my life away for having kids of my own, even when I saw an old friend from school with his own daughter almost brought tears to my eyes because I know, by being with this woman that I love, I will never experience that feeling.

The step children are good kids, they appreciate my presence as it provides a stable environment, I care for them and about them, but at times I just can't love them a parent should, it has often make me believe I'm a heartless monster that you read and see on newspaper or TV about a step parent that hate the kids, I don't hate them, but I just can't hold on to them and call them my muchkins, I just somehow know they are not mine, they have a dad, a dad who is selfish but see them twice a month, a dad that I dislike although not hate.

I thought about leaving them behind, but then I realize I can't to so right now, not when I'm the only sole income of this household, not when the ability of the oldest to attain post secondary or not lies on my choices, but I do know at times I wish I can leave freely, that I can in a way know what being happy and content is like, because right now, day to day, our lives are not happy nor content, even with all the materialistic things I can provide, sometimes we are just sitting there like two strangers not knowing what to say, or what to do, will what I say next make her angry and lead to another argument? will the next time that I go see my friends cause her to be jealous? because she admitted that if she can't have quality time with me, why should my friends? I do not think I've given up my 20's by being with her, more as I've learned more things about life than most men at my age, for that I am thankful, but I do wish one day, she can see how I feel, and what leads to my actions.