newbie introduction
I'm not sure if its appropriate to post like this but I just found this site and its such a relief to find what looks like a really positive/non judgemental forum for step parents.
I've been with my partner for three years. He has 2 kids from a prior marriage. When we first started dating, I got so much unhelpful advice from people. The worst was when people would tell me that to date a man with kids, I had to be prepared to love them like they were my own. For ages I felt terrible because the only emotion I felt otwards the kids was, at best, apathy and at worst, resentment.
So its really nice to find a place where people seem to openly acknowledge the difficulties of dealing with stepchildren and the less than picture perfect families that are created. Thanks!
Welcome, Sarah! I've heard it
Welcome, Sarah! I've heard it too: that "helpful" bit of advice (often from people who aren't stepparents) that we must love our stepchildren "as our own." Such a disservice - it sets up up for suffering. Please don't be hard on yourself!
Here's a post I wrote about why "loving them as our own" is impossible, and that's okay: http://childlessstepparent.wordpress.com/2012/12/18/love-your-stepchildr...
Keep sharing your thoughts - there are lots of generous people on this forum!
Thanks for the reply. You're
Thanks for the reply.
You're right, its amazing how people who have never experienced the situation feel they are well equipped to dish out advice.
The other piece of advice that bugs me is to not get involved. Like I am somehow enjoying being mired in this mess. I live with my partner, we are getting married this year and I'm the person there as a support when my OH gets a phonecall from his kids who are crying because the crazy ex has done something crazy again - how can I possibly avoid being involved??
That is what I've spent the
That is what I've spent the last two years asking myself! What I've realized is that I can get involved in a mindful, balanced way - on my own terms.
The things I try to remember is that I am a wife first and a stepparent second. I support my husband in his role as dad. I do not involve myself in the dynamics between himself and his former wife. And I work to create time and space for myself.
After all, when the stepchildren have two involved parents, there is no need for us to take on a parenting role. We can free ourselves from that and enjoy doing the things that matter to us and make us happy. Of course we care for our stepchildren and create a loving home, but we are not parents. We can be something else for them.
What that "something else" is - well, that's what I'm figuring out, day by day.
Welcome...loving like your
Welcome...loving like your own...ha! You're lucky if you even life them! I have two of my own and one SD and it is a million miles away from the same!
Vent away as you will be
Vent away as you will be heard from those who are well and truly educated on the antics of stepchildren and those who suffer.
"Stepmother" is just a label.
"Stepmother" is just a label. You are really just their father's wife.
You have ZERO obligation to do any parenting for someone else's children. Even if you are married to their parent.
Now you can choose to do as much or as little as you wish. Sort of like with a niece or nephew. Not your responsibility but you can help or do things with them if and only if you want to.
Love this comment oldone, I
Love this comment oldone, I will remember and quote it for the rest of my life!
LOVE LOVE LOVE oldone's
LOVE LOVE LOVE oldone's comment. This is why I play the fun auntie to my boyfriends kids. Reap the benefits of child rearing with minimal leg work.
I actually had a really
I actually had a really honest conversation with my partner this week where we spoke about this. I told him I dont think I would ever feel for his kids what I will feel for my future children.
And he was fully supportive thankfully. In fact he indicated he never expects me too. Which was really nice to hear and to know that we are on the same page about this.
His kids have a mother and a father. No vacanies for those roles so fun aunt is my goal too.
I'm learning a ton from this
I'm learning a ton from this site. Because of it I'm less stressed about moving in with SO and SD6. She and I can be buddies and spend time playing and coloring together (GOD, I love coloring!!). Viewing her as a "niece" gives me the luxury of enjoying her at a more casual level. I know that moving in will bring its own set of challenges but I feel more equipped after having spent some time lurking here.