Hi,

I have been a step parent for about 5 years, and in the last year they came to live with us. Honestly It was something I looked forward to as a new adventure. I had all of these things I wanted to teach them, I wanted to be the step parent that I never had/ never lived with (my dad remarried- we saw her once a year at most, nice lady. Mom never remarried and hardly dated)

They are 3 wonderful, talented, cute adorable kids, and they are the best behaved I'd ever met, which made everything much easier to get used to, and made working through the issues / adapting easier. The last year we have done a ton together and I really enjoyed teaching them new stuff and my little role in their lives. DH is a very nurturing, caring person, an amazing father, and he does most of the housework, and takes care of the kids most of the time, I can't complain about him-

Over time things have eroded

Problems:
They keep breaking of my stuff, and then lying about it.

Okay- so they are kids right? so what they lie sometimes, and "this is why we can't have nice things"

Well, their BD, my DH also has lying "issues" and so does his EX. So basically they have learned this lying thing from their parents, as well as the tendency to push everything past it's limit. Blenders, Bikes, Cars, Carts, Pianos, Tweezers, Hot Pots, Mirrors, .. and ME.

It just keeps happening. From the dad and from the kids, they push something too far, they break it, they lie about it, and I don't find out until later. I am beginning to despise all of them.
I grew up in a single parent home with 6 kids, becoming an adult was amazing for me because finally I had my own place, my own stuff, freedom, and boundaries- now all of that is being taken away piece by piece.

On top of that I feel like I am in a CooCoo Bird situation- they moved into my nest- and I have taken care of them- and as a result my needs and my own "children" (my pets) have been neglected as a result.

The straw that broke the camels' back/ that lit the broken camel on fire is that I had an exotic pet who meant the world to me, long before I met any of them- she was the shining light of my life. I basically treated my animal companion like my own child, she was the one thing in my life that I truly cared about effortlessly and took care of laboriously. I had her for 9 years, and she passed away last week because she was sick, I had to put her down.

Would she have survived longer, could I at least have spent more time with her if I was single? Who knows, but I suspect that is a resounding YES. I treasured her, and they never really cared for her as much as I did. If I were sick and they weren't reminded she'd never be fed or bathed.

The death helped me realize that I don't "look forward" to seeing the kids everyday, I'm sorry but I don't
My pet: There was *never* a day I wasn't excited to get home to see her.
The step kids: well let's face it, I really don't even like seeing them anymore, and I am tired of pretending, tired of trying to be super step mom. I really felt it for a long time but after being lied to time and time again. I'm pretty over it.

Now that my pet is gone- I have nothing, nothing left for them to break, nothing left to look forward to when I come home. It's like they have finally taken everything from me- my enjoyment of life, my nice stuff, my freetime, and now the one "child" I treasured the most is GONE.

She was the Canary in the mine shaft that this is a toxic, no-win situation for me. From these forums I've been reading- I doubt it will get better. I almost wonder if they think that now that my lovely pet is gone that finally I will hand over the last 10% of my attention, the love I had- to them, and they will have finally taken EVERYTHING possible from me.

IS this true? I don't know- but it's truly how I feel- and it sounds like a sign that I need to get out for everyone's sake.

"SO WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE!!??" you ask?

I feel sorry for them. He has bad credit, his EX and him used to rack up debts all over town, and got evicted from a place and now he can't rent a place and he can't take out even a small car loan even if he wanted to. I have helped him get his finances in order (kicking and screaming) over the years, but he still can't rent anywhere in this state.
Their mom can't hold a job and bounces around from place to place (she is likely a con artist to be honest but that is a whole different story)- Being with me helped him get back on his feet, helped him get the good job back, helped him pay off a lot of debt and see the world differently. We worked together to get him in a situation where he can actually support his kids where he couldn't before.
When they lived with their mom they'd be on the ipad or in front of the TV all day, up until 3am, never bathed or showered, the youngest couldn't read at age 7, their grades suffered, their mom wouldn't come home some nights, and unbeknownst to us they weren't eating regularly. When they are with their dad they are taken care of, taught valuable lessons, taken care of, held accountable, their grades are up, they have activities, they are thriving.

My moving out would mean the household income is cut in half, and he will struggle to take care of them on his own. I know I have a complex where I feel like I need to be "saving" people- but in *reality* you knew that moving out would make three kids lives harder as a result- even if you were sick of them yourself- wouldn't you also feel conflicted?
No more sports, extracurricular activities, dad will be stressed out and yell at them more. They would struggle. We aren't rich but we can at least buy nicer stuff for them and put them activities which is more than I ever got as a child. Every day would be a struggle at least until he found someone else. Wouldn't you feel guilty for wanting to leave?

Granted- I am sure my DH would be able to fill my position easily- men are usually pretty good at finding women to take care of them and their kids.. no?

In short I joined this situation with good intentions, wanting to be a super person and "save the day" and now what keeps me here is the guilt of leaving because of finances.

However I think staying is really worse for the kids. They don't need me the "negative Nancy" in their lives. They shouldn't be around someone like me- I love them as people, I care about them and their well being, but I don't WANT them anymore, I don't love any of them unconditionally, I thought I did, but I don't. That's the truth. They deserve better than that.

We ALL deserve better-but how do I make the exit?

Also- does this mean I should never have my own kids? Should I just stick with exotic pets? Does this mean I am just not cut out to "grown up" - Grown up as in being a tired parent in a constant state of noble torture- I feel like leaving will mean that I am stunting my growth as a human, maybe it will mean that I am heartless and broken, a woman-baby. Am I okay being a person who just wants exotic pets and no humans to take care of? What does that say about me (and does it matter? It's my life after all) Is this leaving a toxic situation, or is it walking away from a good/ noble war?

However reading these forums helps me feel less alone in my plight, being a step mom when you didn't really want kids to begin with at first is really cool because you get to "try something new" and test drive this parenting thing. Now I've driven the car and I don't want it. How do I get out without sinking the car?