New to all this
I just joined this website and I am very new to parenting in general. I am a 37 year old divorced male with no biological children. Last summer I met a great girl with two children who have recently moved in with me. The older one who is at home full time is great. Very respectful, helpful, gets good grades, and has many life questions for me. The younger one, who is 6 and is there part time, is awful. Doesn't listen, cries for absolutely no reason, and just makes things generally unbearable when she is there. I knew this was going to be an adjustment for me, but I am starting to hate being around the younger one. I think her dad lets her get away with murder. My girlfriend does discipline the younger child but it seems to have little to no impact. I am actually hoping she chooses to live her with dad once she is old enough to make that decision. Sorry for the venting, not sure where else to turn.
I do stay out of things. I
I do stay out of things. I am just very new to this and not sure what to do. They have been split for over 2 years. They share custody. He lives at home with his parents at age 40.
It really doesn't matter what
It really doesn't matter what goes on when your SD is with her dad. Just like you behave differently out at a bar compared to at work compared to visiting your grandmother, so too can SD figure out what is expected and accepted in different situations.
If she's behaving badly, partly that's because it's working for her. Usually kids are motivated by parental attention - they'll do things for negative attention just as easily as positive attention unless the parents give zero attention for poor behaviour. Even explanations are negative attention, giving the kid what they want.
Partly she's behaving badly because that's what kids do - but good parents respond by addressing the behaviour (almost) every time. (Can't get everything every time!) The fact that you are so irritated about her behaviour suggests that your partner is dropping the ball in one or both of these courts.
Dupe
Dupe
I play with the kids at BBQ
I play with the kids at BBQ and talk to the adults as well. Sad to hear that one parent letting the kid getting away with murder is so common. This is going to be an interesting journey.
I am a non spawning SDad
I am a non spawning SDad myself. I think we, and non breeding SMs, have the clarity of seeing Skid behavior more as it actually is without the rose colored glasses of spawning parents. There is no filter for us. We see it as it is while breeders see it through their own parentally ground lens for their own children and though less so they apply some of that perspective to kid behavior in general though their view of their own children's behavior is far more filtered through that lens than other peoples kids.
No science, just my own observations.
I have taken the no tolerance for inappropriate behavior approach from Skids or the blended family opposition. I suggest that you and your SO set the behavioral standards for your home and enforce them consistently for all kids in your home in an age appropriate manner.
SD-6 will be the one to struggle with it the most initially but eventually she will adapt and comply. However that will happen only if you and your SO are consistent and do not tolerate violations of your household behavioral standards. BioDad can bitch and moan all he likes about it but he has no say about how you and your SO parent in your home.
Hang in there. It can work. My bride and I will celebrate our 22nd anniversary at the end of this month. Our son will turn 24 a week later. Yes, our son. I became his dad when is mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. Last year he asked me to adopt him. So we made that happen. Fortunately my filter of his past and present behavior is still not obscured by any rose colored breeding parent glasses. He knows he will hear only a no bullshit perspective from me though he also knows I will have his back through thick and thin. Since I have his back that puts me behind him where he also knows I will kick him in the ass (figuratively of course) when he shoves his head up his butt.
Set the rules, observe the behaviors without filters, and enforce the rules. If that motivates the SD to head for daddy's when she is old enough to make that choice then so be it. Until then... she complies with the rules or receives the consequences for noncompliance.
Don't forget the part about applying consequences in an age appropriate manner.
Welcome by the way. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others living the blended family adventure.
Good luck.
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