Manipulative step kids
I am hoping for tips on dealing with an intelligent, manipulative step child. he gets it from his mother....just typing that feels dirty. i was a child of divorce and have been through all sorts of step-parent, sibling experiences, so i have a rough idea what this boy could be going through - that being said, with all my personal experience, humility, and positive attitude, it stands...he gets it from his mother, lol. I really don't have a big issue with her, but i can see how he is very manipulative like her. she does a real number on my boyfriend from time to time. he is growing past it and things are definitely getting much better for them and their parenting, but i'm stuck with this lying little s%^&! i feel incredibly guilty being so harsh, but i don't trust or respect this kid. he puts on the "I'm so sweet" for his dad, and is pretty decent to my face as well, but its what i hear from his dad behind my back that is the worst. and his actions speak volumes. he is 12 years old. he is intelligent (recently had IQ testing), and does well in school. These all look great on paper and sound nice, but then why can't this kid do a single chore, or remember a single instruction, or keep a single house key, or put away anything he brings out? i feel like he's a selfish zombie. in addition to that he has many "sick" days that dad plays right into. i see the kid in the morning and he's all hunky dory, but one call to dad and he stays home all day, messing up the house. i come home to clean it up. i look forward to the day he leaves and dread the day he comes back...he's with us every other week. i keep counting down until he's at leaf 16 and may want to go out with his friends all the time and get out of the house. i don't want to be like this, but i feel trapped. i don't know what to do. his dad tries very hard to be a good father, including discipline and he tries very hard to make me feel included and be a big part of everything, even discipline, but he has the bio-parent goggles that his child is perfect and can do no wrong. i respect that of bio parents, and don't think they should lose that, but can maybe they try on the lenses i wear of the step parent? i get to clean up after and raise your kid with none of the unconditional love and societal praise of the bio parents.
mostly, i just would love any words of encouragement or tips on doing this. i find myself constantly wanting to yell at this kid, but being fearful that my boyfriend will be upset with me or i'll make things worse and the child will actively start making my life worse. help please
Biomom may be manipulative,
Biomom may be manipulative, but when your boyfriend (BF) believes a 12 year old CHILD over an adult?? Please rethink this relationship.
That being said, it is time for you to disengage. 12 is MUCH too old to do nothing around the house. This kid should have chores, including keeping his room clean.
* Skid should only be there when Dad is there. You are not the babysitter. What would your BF do if you didn't live there?
*Do NOT be alone with the skid. If he walks into a room you're in alone, LEAVE. Do not allow any more opportunities for this boy to lie and twist what happened.
* STOP CLEANING UP AFTER THE KID. If the kid has a chore he doesn't perform, say something to your BF. BF is responsible for getting on the kid about doing chores or BF does the kid's chores. YOU DO NOT. Hopefully, your BF will get tired of doing the kid's chores.
Reassuring advice - I am in a
Reassuring advice - I am in a similar boat with my SD13 and trying to disengage as she is more capable now and I shouldn't need to be do as much for her.
I have been - and still am really - a babysitter for het, especially as she sang be trusted alone in our house (DH works lots).
Your situation is as common
Your situation is as common as they come in the blended family world and my one tip would be this is more an issue with your DH and SS12. Don't get me wrong, I get the frustrations as I also can't stand my SD12 - she lies constantly, has no respect or care for other people or their property and is as irritating as they come. However, my DH does not have rose coloured glasses on when it comes to his daughter and doesn't let her get away with stuff.
Rose coloured glasses on bio parents is NEVER a good thing in my view because it doesn't help the child acknowledge, understand and address problem areas. That being said, bio parents will almost always err on the side of positivity when assessing their kids and step-parents almost always are the opposite and err on the side of negativity so that always needs to be considered when viewing any situation with the skids.
If you SS isn't doing stuff around the house that is for your DH to manage so set the boundaries with him and STOP cleaning up after SS or you're just enabling the problem.
As for the rest of your feelings, I'd love to tell you it will change but it probably won't. I've been a step-parent now for 10 years and I still view the kid's visits (also 50% custody) as a chore that I just have to get through. As I took on my skids when they are in nappies I've got another decade of this and that's not a happy thought.
The thing that makes my situation he the most hard is the fact that I just can't stand my SD. My SS10 is a nice kid and we get along pretty well but SD12 and I just clash and this has become significantly more pronounced in the last year. We used to have an ok relationship and she really loved me but now all we do is argue and I absolutely can't stand to be around her.
SD12 is booked in to see a shrink in 2 months time so I'm really hoping this is the start of something positive that will start addressing the behavioural issues we have with her. I also intend to do some counselling sessions myself to try and work out better ways to manage my feelings of hatred towards here. So I hope it gets better as I don't think I could bear another 10 years of the way it is now.
Disengage, your BF is not a
Disengage, your BF is not a real father, he pretends to parent but he's not.
1. Skid stays at home and mess it up, you come from the office and clean, stop that immediately.... BF can clean when he gets home and you make sure he does.
2. Skid manipulative - they all are if allowed, bio's included....
3. BF not at home, skid will not be there.. it's that easy, you are not the baby sitter Hon
4. Go out and enjoy your life with friends, so what if SS is home alone and his Dad is out, it's not your job to babysit him, Live Hon.. Live, either BF starts with boundaries and have rules, join you in life, or boyfriend sits at home alone babysitting his kid
Now this you will not like, People told me before, leave him... but my hart still loves my SO, and well the good times are way more then the bad times, but I'm going to ask you to sit and think, is this relationship worth wasting your time on for another 5 years, are the good times still way more then the bad times, after taking stock of your life and relationship, decide then if this is worth it or not...
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your advice. I do appreciate it a lot. After a lot of thought last night and talking with my BF as its been heavy on my mind, he agreed that things are not great and we will work together more as a team to get his son into shape. My relationship with my BF is great, and i'd say the positive outweighs the negative even with the kid, but this needs to be nipped in the bud for us all to have a hope of lasting. I totally decided last night on my way home that I was not going to clean up after the kid anymore, and was going to go out and do what i want when i need to as well. Those of you that gave that advice are so right!
This morning i gained a little advantage as the cards would have it too - i decided to not to wake up the SS as i usually do, he is 12 and can set his own alarm and wake up for school! well guess what happened? he texted me all grouchy asking why didn't, and snottily exclaimed that the dog had made a huge mess and intoning that it was all my fault. i said too bad. then called his dad to keep him in the loop, and the dad chuckled and agreed with me and my choice and said "yup, he needs to learn and take responsibility and clean up the mess too". it was awesome.
To comment back to some of you, please note that my BF does try to keep on his son to behave and does punish and ground, but the point i was trying to make was that it bothers me when he lets things slip because his kid is "a good boy"...when i don't agree so much. maybe i'm just being too harsh. my personality is so different from the kid that i feel a clash all the time...i am a people pleaser and overly conscientious - he is selfish and not detail oriented or thoughtful....is this just being a teen or pre-teen? i can't remember being such a jerk to adults, lol.
anyway, thank you all for your comments and advice. I am going to stop babying this kid and see how things improve. I hope to write back with some positivity