Do you work? Do you have hobbies? Do you have friends that you go to lunch, coffee, etc.?

I have been thru this 30+ years; it is very heartbreaking and water under the bridge. I will never be the same person, but I have turned it all around, to have the strength to know who I am and where I came from. I began my disengagement 7 years ago. My SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter) have tried to control and make me into an ugly person. I didn't even know myself, by letting them take over my mind. Now it is different (7 years of hard work).

#1 I don't care what my SD56 and SGD31 think, do, or say. I stay away from them as much as possible. I have put them out of my life, just as I would any person that treated me badly. They are toxic women.

#2 I am retired and developed "too" many hobbies for myself. I am so busy, the days fly by. I have GF's that I go to lunch and have coffee with. I go to the gym every other day and take good care of my health. I do this, so that I can look in the mirror and know the person I see. I am blessed with good health and want to continue to feel and look well (70 yrs. old).

#3 I love my DH dearly, he is disabled. I take good care of him and know he was the instigator in all of our problems with his kids (he knows it now too). DH never had my back, so I began to take care of myself, seriously. I get a nap, sleep long hours at night, stay busy all day, and yes, I pamper myself. Because DH is disabled, I do most everything; yard work, garden, house work, take my vehicle to be serviced...you name it, I do it. Then I shut it down and take time for myself at least once a week. I take a day off and do whatever I feel like doing or not do.

But guess what? I have my own life and all of my 1,000 cuts will never heal completely, but they have developed a hard shell and will survive.

I have a theory; no matter what you do it won't be right, so do for yourself and move forward. All the hard work you put into your skids is not going to change the way the want to react to you; I would mentally walk away. I stay civil and these jealous women will never really know how much I detest them; because I will never lower myself to their standard. I am not better than anyone, but I am as good.

I hope you will begin putting yourself first; it can be accomplished and it is not an easy task to make the changes needed.

((((hugs)))) Stay calm, breath deep, and give yourself a break.

HORSEYGIRL it is very hard when the good from before crashes into a new reality of today AND both are very opposite.

Is it his kids. OR is it his kids AND dh that leave you with this awful feeling?

I am sorry Horseygirl............

I can honestly say that I have felt the exact same way that you do. I have been in and out of depression for the last 10 yrs, and like you, there were brief moments in time that I felt like a real family but for the most part, I have not felt that way. I believe as step parents we enter into this union with the best of intentions, not knowing fully just how much the blended family situation would drain the life out of us. Its hard being rejected by children, its something you are never really prepared for. Its difficult to bring yourself out of this funk when you care so much and you want so badly to for it to work and for the family to blend.

You gotta do things to make yourself happy. Disengage to some extent. we all do it because its a coping mechanism. Things will get better once the kids are out of your house. All my stepkids are out of my house for good now and its amazing! I feel like the worst is behind me and now more than ever, I don't give af about what they think or how they feel. It feels like I got my power back. Take your power back in your own way while they are in your home and under your care.

HOrsey, What does your husband say to your when you tell him what you told us?

Do nothing for them. only for you and your relationship with your dh

I wish it were as easy as shrugging off the bad stuff.

You are not obligated to cook and clean for them. Their father can do that. You sound drained and exhausted and that just contributed to the ongoing anger and resentment.

Your problem is your DH. His kids' feelings are NOT more important than your feelings. YOU are his partner and he should be crawling all over himself to make sure you are happy and healthy. Sounds like the lunatics are in charge of the asylum and he's allowing it.

You might consider setting some boundaries so you can take care of yourself. Nobody else is taking care of you, so you must. All your DH is hearing and seeing are his kids. My DH was that way too when his son, then early 20s, was living with us. SS and DH moved to my town, and it was great sport for them to make fun of that part of the country. It was my home and it hurt my feelings. And I said that to DH many, many times. He never heard me because he was so eager to please SS, and the negative comments kept coming and they kept laughing. Typically I left the room, sometimes the house. But it was like I was invisible. Eventually SS moved out, and DH and I relocated. But just last week, DH made a comment at a party about a friend of ours moving very near where we used to live. His comments were of course derogatory about that location (which I LOVED, BTW, and he knew it). I ended up leaving the party, I was so upset. I told DH he was being an ass just like he used to be, and he had no recollection at ALL of my unhappiness. Zero.

Sorry I made that about me. But I wanted you to know that it's possible your DH isn't seeing you or hearing you. So you have to make your own rules for yourself.

You need to have a discussion with your DH and let him know how you are feeling. Do it sometime when you are as well rested as possible and won't have interruptions. Don't focus it as an attack on him or his kids, present it as all about you.

You are exhausted after working and trying to do everything required to run a household and need some additional help. whether it's from him and his kids or from outside doesn't matter.

Tell him you are happy to cook a family meal once a week but any more than that is too much after working and doing household chores but you'll be glad to make sure ingredients are available for others to prepare a meal.

Tell him you need downtime/alone time so you can recharge, that you aren't avoiding him/them, but you are making time to listen to yourself.

Tell him you realize you have been angry and judgmental lately but that you realize it's because you are trying to do too much and keep finding yourself in situations that are causing you more stress and you're going to try to change that.

If he doesn't support you in trying to make your life better, then you really should question why you are with this man. He seems to be making life revolve around what works for him and what he wants and totally discounting you and your needs. You do not have to live like that.