I'm Ready to Disengage...
Good afternoon all!
My hubby and I have had full custody of his daughter (11) since August. BM hasn't seen her since she was a baby and gave up all rights. I have only ever been a parent to fur babies, and now I have a human baby that I have no idea what to do with. She is an amazing student, making all A's & B's each grading period.. But when she gets home, it's like she leaves her brain at the door. Chores have to be reminded every day/every weekend, reminder to pick up your nasty dirty clothes from the floor, reminder to shower, reminder to brush hair & teeth, reminder to feed cats... the backtalk, sass and lies have really started to get bad and I know the worst is yet to come.
Her dad really does well with her, much more than I do because he has more tolerance and patience. I have a short fuse in the evenings after working 9 hours a day... so the last thing I need to deal with is more stupid behavior at home. What he doesn't understand is, that at the end of the day, she's his kid... not mine. I try to help parent, make decisions, discipline. Sometimes we're in agreement and he'll have my back, but most times it's the complete opposite and I'm the third wheel, making me feel like I have NO say and NO place in the family.
I have done some research on disengaging and I have mixed feelings about it. I don't want my hubby to feel like I'm not helping or throwing him to the wolves, especially with some of the most difficult years ahead. But at the same time, I resent the fact that I have to change so much of my routine, my social calendar, my evenings, my moods, etc because everyone expects me to be this awesome step mom to her and fall right into the role with flying colors. I sound like a broken record and we fight about her behavior all of the time. It's coming between us and affecting our marriage. I feel like we've lost ourselves as a couple, trying to parent her. Call me selfish, but I think our relationship comes first and needs to be strong to set an example for her down the road.
So how do I disengage from a stepchild that lives in my house full time? Is that even possible? How do I do without making my hubby feel like I'm quitting?
" But at the same time, I
" But at the same time, I resent the fact that I have to change so much of my routine, my social calendar, my evenings, my moods, etc because everyone expects me to be this awesome step mom to her and fall right into the role with flying colors"
Why? Does Dad work evenings? Out of curiosity, who had custody of SD before last August? ***ETA: never mind, I saw your last forum post where you said your Dh's sister had the child expect for weekends)
Stop fighting over dirty clothes on her bedroom floor. Stop checking for brushing teeth , taking showers and whatnot. Let Dad worry over it. If he won't make her clean up after herself *shrugs*, he can clean it up himself. As long as it gets done.
Don't listen to kid's sass and disrespect. Point her in Dad's direction and go about your evening. No, this isn't your child so no, you can't be expected to parent her.
Dad works part time during
Dad works part time during the day and is a musician (his passion) by night. Not every night, but most every weekend... leaving me, you guessed it, at home.
Well DH can't sing himself
Well DH can't sing himself out of raising his kid so his old routine has to be changed. You aren't his built in babysitter.
I am disengaged from the skids but I still help my SO with the skids when it is warranted.
Start making your own plans so that you aren't available to watch his kid. Does DH ask you to watch his kid or is this just expected?
Agree, that OP's evening
Agree, that OP's evening activities should be able to continue. Dad can hire a sitter and have several checked out and on file so when SM is busy he needs just to phone one.
SM tending to SD in the evenings (if she agrees to occasionally help out) is an act of kindness on SM's part so Dad can do his evening musician bit. Dad needs to view his evening activity as a privilege not all parents get without being able to still care for their children.
SM is not the automatic babysitting service. OP, discuss with your DH your own needs and desires. You're not saying he can't do his evening thing, you're just saying he has a daughter in his home full time now and he needs to take care of his home needs first. Meaning, Dad, hire a babysitter and you're good to go.
OP should be free to schedule activities for herself, dinner with a GF, evening classes, whatever.
Yep.. and if she treated a
Yep.. and if she treated a babysitter badly, I bet the girl would have consequences right?
Maybe his daughter should tag along to watch her dad perform his "passion".
Perhaps it's time dad's passion time is limited too. He has a responsibility to his daughter and the fact that he is laying it all at OP's feet is really unfair.
Thank you! This is just what
Thank you! This is just what I needed to hear. I guess in my mind, I felt like I needed to make this grand announcement to my hubby about it so he would know what's going on. But the idea of doing it bit by bit sounds a lot less daunting.
You also hit the nail on the head with the not worrying or stressing about her hygiene, messes, etc. I guess when I see that I took her into MY house, I expect her to respect it and be part of the team and help keep things in order. It's gonna take everything I've got, but I'm going to do my best to turn a blind eye to it not let it get under my skin.
Thank you!
Well maybe DH passion should
Well maybe DH passion should be his daughter and he should get a day job and stay home at night. Not go out and play
I warned you back in February
I warned you back in February that you might not like some of the advice you'd get, and that your SO would have to step up and fully commit to being a parent in order for your particular situation to work.
Yet here you are, stuck parenting his damaged kid after a hard day's work while he's out with the band.
Has he taken a parenting class? Found a therapist to help his daughter?? I bet not.
I know you love your man, but part of loving someone is seeing them as they truly are. Your H has a history of dumping his parental responsibilities on others, and he's already doing it to you. If you don't rip off those love goggles and make him be a parent, you will become more frustrated and resentful. You will eventually lose respect for him, and the SD will become a bigger problem in her teen years.
You are staring down the barrel of future misery, stuck in a role you never wanted. But if you take a stand now and put some boundaries and expectations in place, it could be the making of your H. Hold him accountable, make him parent, and don't tolerate any blameshifting, gaslighting, or whining from him. His daughter has only one viable parent, and it's not you.
He actually has taken a
He actually has taken a parenting class and has been going to therapy with her. Baby steps. I have starting going on my own too, but not with them!
Thank you for taking the time to send friendly advice my way again. It's much appreciated!
He actually has taken a
He actually has taken a parenting class and has been going to therapy with her. Baby steps. I have starting going on my own too, but not with them!
Thank you for taking the time to send friendly advice my way again. It's much appreciated!
He actually has taken a
He actually has taken a parenting class and has been going to therapy with her. Baby steps. I have starting going on my own too, but not with them!
Thank you for taking the time to send friendly advice my way again. It's much appreciated!
This is not your child, do
This is not your child, do not give up your passions to stay at home and raise her..... you are nothing but a babysitter to him. He keeps on living like a single guy and you have to step in as parent, oh hell NO...
You simply disengage, over and done with. If you have to share a bathroom with SD, and she leaves it messy.. call hr back and tell her effing clean this bathroom now I need to use it.... block her in the door, she will clean it...
if DH is at home, simple say to him, go and clean the bathroom I need to use it... if he dares saying anything back, you simply pick up SD's stuff and through it into her bedroom.... then close the door...
dirty dishes etc, DH have to clean it, be on his back 24/7 - he only works part time during the day he can clean house..
week-ends start making your own plans and simply tell him - oh who's looking after SD tonight if you are going out...
he will look at you funny, you smile and say I have plans with friends... you will have to get a sitter and pay her, or stay at home.... it's that simply, not your child and not your responsibility
He is a full time father,
He is a full time father, now, so he needs to realize that things need to change. You should not be expected to do the parenting of HIS child. Is he financially supporting her or are you carrying most of the load, since he only works part time?
Disengaging does not mean you can't do anything for the girl but it is on your terms and the bulk of the responsibility is on your husband. Dumping her on you so he can play with the band? Just no.
What would he do if he were single? Don't let him take advantage of you. She's his daughter and it's his life that should change the most and be re-arranged, not yours.
I'm new but have been a half
I'm new but have been a half time sm for 8 years. I am in the process of trying to disengage but am also feeling like just leaving it all behind. My stepdaughter comes from a home where her mom has literally no expectations for her and my husband wants our house to be a 'fun' place. I'm trying to ignore the messy room, etc but when she gets in my car and I can smell her scalp, it's just too much to take. In addition, she's pretty much flunking 6th grade and is pushing 160 lbs at 12. I guess I care more about a good future for her than a fun house. I'm starting back on Prozac today and hoping my mindset improves because after 9 days of spring break, I'm a certifiable mess. Thanks for listening and good luck.