Holding out with stepkids
Do you ever have the thought "why should I be putting all this work in for my stepkids when I don't have biokids yet?"
I know it's no one's "fault," but I find it really hard to want to plan anything or enjoy family bonding with my SO's kid, and I always think it would be easier for me to be excited and engaged about things if I knew I wasn't doing it just for her, and my own kids could benefit from it. It's probably a grossly unfair way to think about it, since my own kids don't even exist yet, but it is what it is right now. For example, we went to one of SD's classmate's bday parties, and her moms had thrown a very unique, crafty type of party (SD's parties have historically been very generic, Party City fare) and when we got home SO commented "we should do something like that for SD next year!" He knows I really get into event planning and do a good job at it, but I said, "no thanks, her mom does a perfectly fine job taking care of her birthdays". (After the divorce, her mom has hosted all the bday parties. We are sometimes invited as an afterthought, but never actually attend.) It was more than just "not my kid, not my job," but I feel like if I were planning parties for my own kid already, then I would at least feel more inclined to HELP him should he want to plan for SD, versus feeling like a child that is not mine is getting everything.
Crazy, or can you relate? 
I don't have
I don't have bios and it is too late for me but I can definitely relate. It probably did not help that when your SO said that "we" should do something like that for SD you knew quite well that he meant YOU would be the one who ends up doing the work on it. Why men just assume that anyone with a vagina is simply dying to play mommy to any child put in front of them eludes me. If and when we have our own children we will do the mommy thing. Until then, their child has 2 parents and we are neither of them! Anything we do is voluntary and we deserve a thank you for it rather than having it expected of us.
Until then, their child has 2
Amen!
yes, he seems to think telling me I’m a good mother is some kind of compliment. Uhhhh...I am no one’s mother and not trying to be...
I do have bio kids and feel
I do have bio kids and feel the same resentment about having to do things for her. SD treats my bio kids like crap so I really just dont want her there. And the dynamics between DH and her are so obnoxious to be around that I've pretty much stopped doing "family" things when shes here.
ugh, sorry
ugh, sorry
I'm not sure why having bio
I'm not sure why having bio kids matters. It's the same thing - you're doing something for a child that's not yours whether or not you have a bio. Maybe if it's a joint event it matters, but just because you plan a party for your bio doesn't mean you want to plan a different party for the skid. It's still a lot of effort. My skids are appreciative and I enjoy a lot of the things I do for/with them. If they stop being appreciative or start treating me poorly, I'll stop. And I don't have a bio yet.
I guess it's more of an
I guess it's more of an equality issue...right now, bc it's SO's kids, I feel like he and I are not doing enough for OUR family. When we have our own bios, then I wonder if SD will see that I do more for my own kids. I'm not quite sure she gets it right now that she has her own mom and I don't fill the same role at our house. She is always saying daddy's the dad, I'm like the mom, and then she has 2 fursiblings lol I'd imagine it's a "thing" for young kids especially to want to categorize everyone in the family in traditional roles... ::shrug::
I totally, absolutely get
I totally, absolutely get what you're saying.
Even my mom used to make comments that i'd feel less resentful once I had a child with my husband because then I'd be doing a lot of those things for our child as well - so it wouldn't be such a big deal. And she was 100% right.
The thing is, kids take a lot of sacrifice, including stepkids. You spend a lot of time and money on them, even when they're not your own. Christmas, for example... You end up going to see santa, shopping for presents, decorating the house, doing all these things to make the kids happy. You can't help but feel like you're putting all this effort in without the reward.
I'll tell you... The reward IS your child when they're your own. The reward IS seeing them happy and enjoying whatever you've put time and effort into. It melts your heart. This doesn't happen when they're not your own. So ya, when you have a biological child, it makes it a lot more "worth" your effort because you at least get to see them enjoy all of your efforts.
Thanks, I love this...and I
Thanks, I love this...and I am very much looking forward to getting something back finally lol
Do you treat everyone equally?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
I may not be as affectionate with my stepdaughter as I am with my son, but that's mostly due to age difference. Although admittedly, I don't feel as compelled to smother someone else's child with hugs/kisses the way I do my own. It just feels a bit awkward. But if I notice she's around while I'm loving on him, I pick him up and give her a big hug too. It doesn't feel natural, but I do it.
But in general - yes, I treat them equally. If I buy for my son, I buy for her. If I plan a big birthday party for my son, I plan one for her. The only real difference is if I take my son out with me, my husband does something special at home with her. I don't spend as much time with her alone as I do with my son, but that's because I feel she doesn't really need it - she wants time with her mom and dad more than she wants time with her stepmom. But I do take her on girl's days once in a while to shop/get our nails done.
I have 2 kids with hubby and i never
plan parties for his kids ever. Its not my job. Since bio mum is absent in these things, i only arrange and cater for my kids but this was for their 1st birthday party
after that we enjoy doing intimate ones at home like a lovely roast dinner and a cake for her
I love planning parties, so I
I love planning parties, so I really hope SD doesn't get jealous in the future... :X Mom is much more in tune with who all her friends and their parents are than dad anyway...
I used to see stepkids
I used to see stepkids birthday as a chore before my bios came along. Partly because nothing was ever good enough for them. I do get much more enjoyment from bio kids birthdays, because I have that emotional connection with them, and they are normally grateful. What I didn’t bargain on though was jealously from my in laws and my grown up step kids towards my bio kids, as we used to get along fine. My in laws didn’t approve of my husband having a second family. In these mixed families sometimes people get on, sometimes they don’t. Aim for happy families, but don’t be surprised if it becomes more complicated that you thought it would be (Keep your eyes and ears open, and don’t become a target or a scapegoat).
Thanks...it's so hard not to
Thanks...it's so hard not to feel like being 2nd is worst! No matter how awful the first relationship was, and how better off everyone is now. It goes both ways though...in my parents eyes, our kids will be the first family, and they don't approve of his second.
It's not your job to do any
It's not your job to do any work for your stepkids, that's where the problem lies. Bio kids or no bio kids.
yes I understand that, but I
yes I understand that, but I struggle with - should I, bc I love my SO? I love buying cute little things for my cousins' kids and helping my BFF plan her daughter's bday parties bc I love them, and by extension their kids, but this doesn't seem to translate to SD like it does with them! :\ So then, how do I keep things equal between steps and bios in the future bc I can see myself wanting to do way more for/with the bios??
Maybe sometimes. But only if
Maybe sometimes. But only if you want to, not out of obligation.
I love to bargain hunt so I would search for cheap clothes and toys for gifts for my SS, but only because I enjoyed it. I would help DH out in a pinch with SS as needed, to be supportive. But planning anything like a party? Only if you personally enjoy it. Otherwise, it’s on DH.