Wow, you felt sort of just the way I did... on exactly the same day.
I actually just found this site mostly because I went to bed all strung out wondering how horrible I am because I really don't think I like my step kids.

Now, I've had five years with them. Their mother and I have been married for a couple of those but, just like I'm hearing from you, there still seems to be this universe that I don't feel I am a part of. They don't actually live with us full time so I often feel that my challenge is feeling important with my wife while she is trying to maintain some sort of effective relationship with her kids. I am sort of aware of their dynamic with their father (a man I absolutely detest) and it's difficult not to imagine some horrible things said about us - about their mother - when they go back home.

I don't have kids and I am divorced as well. There was a time that I felt badly for how my marriage ended but it still hurts to know how guilty my wife feels for how things ended in her marriage and, ergo, her kids. She wants me to participate. She wants me to know about them, and I do still try to interact with them, but yeah, it's really hard to just jump in there and make yourself like them.

I wonder often if something really did happen that made me feel this way. Are they acting awkward because they don't like me or they just don't want get close to someone who has replaced their father in their mother's life. These kids seem disposed to talking about life out loud like there is still some connection between their parents - you know, other than them. And yeah, it hurts. You aren't a "replacement" you are the best friend, confidant, and lover of this person. And no, you are not a parent to these kids.

The fact is, from what I can tell, you aren't a horrible fiance. Not at all. You got into a situation that you thought was one thing but what you got was something else. What you are expecting yourself to do - like any step parent does - is an immense challenge. I still don't know if I've gone anywhere. Can we really do this? That's why I'm here I guess. I can tell you this. I would probably have no problem not liking my step kids were they not my step kids. They just are not the kind of people I'd want anything to do with. But they are. Now. The reason I even got a membership here is because I found a post that said the words I sometimes forget. Came from my mother first. Those being that I fell in love with my wife and NOT HER KIDS. You should try that. Tell yourself "I love HIM, not his kids". Try as I might to believe otherwise, this is the way it is. This doesn't make us bad people. It makes us realistic. And it stops us from getting angry or hurt when we have no business doing so. When divorce was still a cardinal sin, step parents came into the lives of children to take up after a deceased parent. But how long ago was that? You and I - and everyone else on this website - came into the picture with the same thought in mind. "Gee, I sure hope they like me." For many of us, that did not materialize the way we wanted it to. Much of the time it's probably got more to do with the kids not knowing what to do with us.

Our cases are both different. I know I'm not a shrink and I'm pretty sure you aren't. Just remember that if you know this is the man for you, you can talk to him (and I insist that you do), and as for the rest of it, there are other step parents out there. A lot of us are hurt, or scared, and we all have a lot of love to give. And many of us are open to talking.

Please, everyone who posted and is feeling bad - don't. Here's one bit of advice I wish someone had shared with me before I traveled across the country to move in with my fiance and his then 7-year-old daughter: Your SO must build a strong foundation. I don't think I'm stating it too strongly when I say that it really is all up to him.

Here's why: http://childlessstepparent.wordpress.com/2013/01/12/your-spouse-must-bui...

You said that he wants you to interact more, what are you doing now for interaction? It's a vicious cycle that you dread them coming over, and then hide in your room. They think they aren't welcome and your fiance thinks you're not trying.

How are they supposed to get to know you, and you them, if you're hiding? Have you tried doing some sort of group activity? going out to dinner, movies, etc?

I can really relate to what you and others here are saying. I went through periods of time where I was not excited to get married to my husband because he had a child. In my experience, with work from all parties involved, it does get better. I have been living with my husband and SD for almost 3 years now (she is 5 and we have her 1/2 of the time).

I used to hide too; I think it is a completely natural and human reaction and nothing to be ashamed of as long as it doesn't last forever. My hiding led to a big fight between me and my then-fiance and afterwards I started forcing myself to spend more time with the 2 of them. It wasn't easy, but I will say that 3 years later I feel a lot better when she's around than I did when I was hiding in my room. Unfortunately, (you probably don't want to hear this), it won't get better if you keep hiding. You need to put yourself out there a bit more. Honestly that will alleviate some of the guilty feelings, and the less you are beating yourself up the more energy you can put towards improving your relationships.

Your fiance needs to understand and be appreciative of how difficult your position is. That was what was really hard for me too at the beginning is that my fiance had this idea that since his daughter was so awesome (in his perspective), I would just love her too. That is not how it works and he needed to understand that. Research shows that it takes AT MINIMUM 2 or 3 years for a blended family to be comfortable and happy with their family as a whole. Building relationships takes time.

Issues with the ex are also very difficult. I still struggle with feelings of jealousy about him being married before, but now it's more of a dull ache than an obsession. I used to think that he wouldn't value getting married for a 2nd time the same as the first, like I would think, oh he's already had a wedding or oh he's already had the experience of having a child with someone. I don't think I will ever fully get over the fact that I hate that he was married before but I have learned to let go of a lot of unhealthy emotions for the most part. I will say that my husband did a very good job of reassuring me that he loved me and wanted to be with me and had no feelings at all for her. If your fiance can't do the same for you, then that may be a problem.

Also, on meeting the ex, 3 years in and I have only "met" her once and she didn't even so much as shake my hand. I am not sure if I think that the complete lack of interaction is a good thing or a bad thing; but I am sharing to let you know that extremely minimal interaction is possible and imo no parties involved have a right to expect or demand more than that if the other party is not willing.

I hope that was helpful!!

Don't feel bad we all have our moments. Let me say I am involved step mother and still have times of feeling horrible.

Example DH won't be home until tonight. He was supposed to be home last night and pick SS up from school well he got fogged in and couldn't eve get the barge to the dock. I got very down because this meant I would not have alone time with DH before SS came in and I felt second (the first day or two he is home SS will get jealous of me if DH doesn't focus on him) mind you Sat is ALL about SS as he had his basketball game then a monster truck show for him, well when DH said he wouldn't be home SS supposibly had a breakdown because he was so excited to see DH and so last night we were talking about him coming home and trying to get a earlier flight and he said he would do it only if it meant he could see SS. I felt completely undercut but at the same time I felt guilty for my feelings.

Mind you DH reminded me of our date we have coming up which made me feel better but we all have horrible moments but must remember first why we are in the relationship

As for getting involved I would tell your boyfriend you want to but slowly, start with a movie night each time they are over - it is important to not only make yourself comfortable but the kids to help prevent jealousy or resentment. I slowly integrated myself into SS life so he knows I am and will always be around but I respect he needs daddy time.

I feel the same way. I am so glad I found this site and hope the get some help. I just feel like things are about to get a whole lot worse.