aww try and be positive because at least you know you can conceive. Sending good baby mojo your way.

You need to talk to a therapist, this resentment is going to cause lots of problems. This child has done nothing other than being a reminder to you that your husband has a past. It is not fair to this child. It will cause problems down the road and I am sure the child knows your attitude toward her has changed.

I know how you feel even though our situations are slightly different.

To start, overall I am very happily married. My husband and I have a great life together. We love rock climbing and mountain biking. It is the glue that binds us. We live, laugh, and play together. We are very open and can discuss everything. Well, almost. The crux of our relationship is his boy. Sadly. I feel awful just saying it. I wish I could just accept and love him the way that his father does. I have tried.

In fact, our relationship didn't start out all that bad. When he first came into my life, we had a great relationship! We laughed and had a lot of fun together.

My husband and I had planned on starting a family of our own together. We were so very excited. I couldn't wait to have a child of our own. My own flesh and blood. I couldn't wait to see the life that we would create together.

When we first started trying, we almost immediately had success. And then I had a miscarriage. It devastated us. I had never experienced anything that could hurt so much and so deeply. To lose a life. The life that you and your love created nonetheless. It leaves you feeling so hollow and empty. That's when my relationship with his son started to suffer.

I couldn't bring myself to talk to him or look at him. I grew resentful. My husband and his g/f at the time accidentally had a child, where I had failed so quickly.

But I was able to put my mind at ease eventually. I was able to rationalize the loss. I would tell myself that it wasn't meant to be, and that this perhaps happened due to a potential genetic defect. I couldn't know for sure, but it helped.

So we began to try for our family again. And we tried. And tried. And tried. This September will mark our third year of trying. I've watched so many people bring life into this world. With little struggle or effort. They were able to feel that joy. I see them smile and wish I could feel that happiness; or at least be happy for them.

We sought treatment, to no avail. Throughout the years of trying, I've grown distant to his boy. What relationship we could have had feels dead. He reminds me of my failure. He reminds me of the family I can't give my husband. He reminds me of the bonds that I will never share with my own child. I struggle with the strain put on our relationship due to this child. I think thoughts that I never thought possible. How can somebody be so awful to wish that someone didn't exist? Because it hurts too much to handle? What kind of a person does that make me?

We only struggle now when he comes up to visit. Otherwise, we live a happy life. But, it's hard. I don't feel like I can talk to my husband as much as I used to about this topic. It hurts both of us deeply. I see such disappointment in his eyes with each passing month. I often wonder why he stays with a woman that can't provide a family.

I keep busy. I'm going back to school now to get a degree in wildlife conservation. I feel that I can at least do some good that way. I feel like I can help protect the world's creatures for other people's children to enjoy. I feel like I can find fulfillment this way. I've always had a calling to do more with my life. Perhaps this is why we haven't been able to have our family, I tell myself. I don't know. It brings me happiness though. I am eager to get out into the field and do so much more.

I hope one day that this sadness dissipates. I will continue to treat him well, if only to satisfy my husband's need for that fatherly bond. I will do what I can to give him his family with his son. But, one day, I wish that we can have OUR family.

You're not alone. I hope that one day everything works out for you.

Thanks for listening to me vent.

You don't "need" to talk to a therapist, although it could certainly help with your feelings of loss and failure. There is nothing wrong with you... you are human and these feelings are completely normal.
I know, because I went through the same thing last year (like loads of other women do!) and therapy did give me some perspective.

My SO came into our relationship with an EO (ex-evil other) and 2 kids, now 10 and 11. They are really fantastic kids and if I have to be a stepmom, I wouldn't want any other. But from day 1, I have been dealing with passive aggression from EO and alienation from the kids. And to make matters worse, we live in a multi-lingual household which magnifies the alienation enormously as they often refuse to speak the "common" household language (French). Imagine sitting down for a "family" dinner and not understanding a darned thing. Talk about feeling ignored! While it's not my native language, I make an effort for them as they do and can speak French. But even when I ask them to do so, they quickly reverted to German. I finally stormed out of the house, only to return 6 hours later to their sobbing apologies. They now pay closer attention.

I also went through the Skype/Facetime thing. We get the kids only every other weekend. I would spend hours with them for homework, cooking, taking them out... and as soon as they had a free moment they would FT their mom. The worst part? They would use VIDEO (so the woman could see the inside of my house) and put her ugly voice on speaker so that everyone could hear it. It made me feel like a stranger in my own house. When the kids are with the EO, however, they are often too "busy" to speak with their father on the agreed-upon Friday evening.
So..... after speaking with my SO, he finally banned FT from our weekend.
I therefore agree with your DH's decision completely.

And yes, I also went through loss. At 39 years old, I experienced an ectopic pregnancy in Jan 2012, the week before my SO was deployed for 6 months. It would have been my first child. During his deployment, I had no contact from the skids at all. Not even a phone call or skype message. The EO wouldn't allow it. His family was of no support because, as per the culture over here, I am "too old" to have children and should gracefully accept my supporting role in raising someone else's children without any claims to motherhood of my own. Once again, I am reminded that we get all the responsibility and none of the glory. Imagine hearing this only days after having your first child surgically removed due to a life-threatening pregnancy (I would have been dead a week later if the doctor didn't see it)!

The operation left me with only one fallopian tube. My SO's military career gave him prolonged exposure to low-level radiation, rendering him infertile (only 3% mobility). After 11 months of not conceiving since his return last year June, we finally decided to step things up a notch and explore the option of medical intervention. At 41, my eggs ain't gettin' any younger.
And when the doctor finally returned my call, he was shocked that instead of raising questions about fertility treatments I was rather announcing my positive HPT result of that morning!

So don't get discouraged. It will happen. Alice is right... you conceived already before and that's a very powerful sign. It means your machine works!!

As far as feeling like an outsider, I hear ya!
In some twisted way this seems to be quite often the fate of us stepmoms. I can't give you abundant wisdom, but I can say this:

1. As your DH said, remind your SD (and yourself!) that the weekends she spends with you are meant to be TIME SPENT WITH YOU! BM gets her enough.
2. Remember also that you are a parent, as well as another person, in the household... not a doormat. You deserve to be respected and not ignored. Would you accept that treatment from your DH? Then why would you accept it from anyone else under your roof?
3. While you are responsible for your SD's general well-being and safety, you are not required to financially support her.
   I saw this link in another post that has helped me quite a lot:
   http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
4. Don't be bothered about what DH and his ex "accomplished". If she was really that successful or lucky, she would have still been with him. So somewhere, somehow, she screwed up big-time... and you got the prize
5. Yes, you lost your first child. But your machine ain't what it was at 20 and these things take a bit more time than usual. Most women go through one or more miscarriages before finally getting one that sticks. Just allow time for nature to take its course. If you like, I would be happy to tell you in a private message what worked for me.
6. You are not alone! There are millions of us stepmoms that are in the same boat as you. And yes, I am saying this to you while I'm sitting here feeling sorry for my own darned self How do you think many of us ended up on this forum?

For the rest, be strong and keep the faith.
Your time will come!!

I can definitely sympathize with you. I have never had a miscarriage, but DH and I are trying to get pregnant (I have no bios). I have had trouble in the past with uterine cysts and apparently have a misshaped uterus so we'll see.

I feel resentful and sad when I see SD. To make it worse, it seems like everyone around us gets pregnant so easily and just pops out these babies! BM has 3 kids by 3 different men, none of them planned, with no trouble at all. SIL just had a baby that was unplanned. Me, I do things the right way & I get screwed.

Life is no fair. Like another poster said though, at least since you had a miscarriage (even though I'm sure it was AWFUL and am not trying to downplay it in any way), you do know that you are able to conceive.

I think your feelings are perfectly normal. You want a baby of your own and it hurts to see a baby that another woman gave your DH (this is how I feel too). *hugs*