Am I ready for this? Need some serious advice please...
I'm almost 39 dating a divorced dad of 2 ages 14 and 8. We've been dating for almost 2 years, his divorce was finally finalized after 3 years of separation. His daughters live in northern clarify is and we live on the east coast. Dad sees his daughters every other month for a week and for a month over the summers. When we started dating I was very honest and said I was concerned to get serious because I want children and I know he already has 2. He told me he was open to the idea. A year after dating he ended things because he "got scared" and not 2 months later he came running back saying it was a mistake.
Immediately to show me he was serious he flew me out to San Fran to meet his daughters and they are very sweet and he spoils them terribly. He suffers from extreme guilt. Guilt that he can't be with his girls all the time and that he moved so far away because he has family here and because his career offers him more in the city than it ever could have in the small town in Northern California.
I'm terrified that I've gotten so invoked in his life and as is it's perfect for him. We go out and have a great time, but he stresses out a week before traveling getting his business in order for his one week every other month trips, and then when he returns he stresses again catching up with work. His girls love me and I think they are wonderful but I would never allow my own children to get away with half of what they do (but I keep my mouth shut because I know it's not my place). Right now he has his cake and eats it too... His girls are his #1 and I accept that too.. I'm competing for a close 2nd with his job. He's ready to buy a house and move in together tomorrow. But I'm old school and believe in getting married, especially since we live so close we practically live together.
I'm terrified that he's complacent and happy with the fact that I get along with his girls and that he loves spending time with me, but when it comes to conversations of our future and the children I so desperately wants his response is always "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it". I'm worried that I'm in too deep, and that he may he humoring me but when it comes down to actually having kids if there's any difficulty he won't care to put in the effort. As I've read in the forums.. He's already had all these firsts.. His excitement won't be like mine finding out we're pregnant.. And since he's 50 years old what are the chances he genuinely even wants to start all over again? He has the best of both worlds.. All the family love when he's with his girls and the fun party life when he's here with me.
I love him, and he treats me well, but I'm wondering if a man that age, with 2 beautiful children could honestly even want to start all over again?
All my friends say is "well you know what you got yourself into.. Is this something you really want to sign up for?"
I'm sorry for the diarrhea of the mouth.. I know no one who is dating or married to a man with children and am just looking for someone who I can talk to about this.
My issue right now in my
My issue right now in my marriage is that I do not know if I want to go through having a kid of my own. We have an 8 year old here with us 9.5 months of the year and so I see the down sides of having a kid around ( not forgetting the fact that at 8 she is a lot less work than a newborn) I also see the upsides of children life in the 2.5 months we get child free a year. But at the same time I resent the fact that I live my life so child centric lay the majority of the time but it is for someone else's kid and not my own. My husband says he it is up to me if he wants a kid or not, I am not great at biting the bullet and of course there is always something else to wait for before we have kids. So so far we have been putting it off.
So yep, having step kids involved does increase the complexity of the decision to have kids or not. As for your situation there are a few suggestions that I have. First it is to look at how flexible and understanding your partner is to your concerns. If you raised with him an issue with his kids or their mother that made you uncomfortable would he work with you to find a way to make you feel better or would he just tell you that they were there first and that is the way they have always done things and you need to suck up. You also have to realize that the kids could end up living with you full time and you need to decide if that would be acceptable to you.
There are a to of other implications to think about and talk over with your partner including financial implications and what his obligations and expectations of his financial support for his kids is and how you two would arrange your finances,
Being in this situation is not easy, having a partner who listens to your concerns and acts to help alleviate them is one of the biggest factors in making it work successfully I think, if compromise is not on the books now in anyway then it is doubtful that it will be on the future. Though from what I read here and my own experiences it is normal for thereto be a steep learning curve for everyone involved as relationships and roles change to adjust.
Great advice Sueu.
Great advice Sueu.
Wow!! Thank you so much for
Wow!! Thank you so much for all of your honest heart felt responses. I've read them all twice and will probably read them another 20 times. So many of your comments I've heard as the little voice in my head but would try not to focus on because I wanted to be positive. But you all speak from experiences and have made so many of my concerns feel validated. I have put my needs aside.. Feeling sorry for him for the sadness and guilt he puts himself through. I've often tried to have conversations with him, but they often end in "you don't know how hard it is not being with my girls/ you don't know how often I cry myself to sleep missing them"... And then that pretty much ends any discussion because what can I say? One day I lost it and said "yes you're right I can never understand the pain you feel because I don't have children, but you will never understand the pain I feel for not having them. I'm soo sick of parents trying to tell me how much harder their lives are because of the issues they have with their children, and they can never sympathize with someone like me who wants them and hasn't had the opportunity to even try to have one. Your struggle is real but so is mine." That made him pause, until the next time I tried to have an emotional conversation. He had a hard time opening up, I still don't know all the details of what happened in his marriage, only that he screwed it up (which is probably adds to his guilt). He now has a great realtionship with his ex. I've met her and she likes me because her girls enjoy my company. She has a boyfriend of almost 2 years as well. He doesn't have kids either but he's over having his own.
Thank you all for your honesty. I'm soo grateful for your responses. I literally have no one who understands. His girls are here for the next month, so for sure the conversations will have to happen after they leave. But this is also the perfect opportunity for me to reread your comments and truely examine my life, wants, and needs as well.
Thank you so much
I appreciate your cancer and
I appreciate your cancer and concern.. Yes A few years ago I did a fertility test and the results showed that I might have a hard time getting pregnant. But since I'd never tried to get pregnant and wasn't actively trying they couldn't do more tests. I often think about the possibility that I may not be able to concieve and in the past I thought about adoption but didn't want just the baby.. I want the family. I'm very doubtful that he will be open to adaption considering the fact that he already has his 2 girls. But this is certainly something I can discuss with him as well when we do finally find the time to talk.
So for 3 weeks every month he
So for 3 weeks every month he is not emotionally there for you. And one of those weeks he isn't there physically wither. One week stressing about work, one week visiting his daughters, one week stressing getting back into work. Sounds like a blast of a time ...not.
Look, he will not want to have any children with you. He is 50. He would be in his late 70s when your child graduates high school. Your child's children would never know their grandfather. There was an article in a recent paper about a woman who thru ivf had twins at 56. Her husband was 66. 1 week after birth she died suddenly of a bowel blockage. Her husband is now 68 and raising 17 mth old twin boys. Do you want that for your child?
He is not making anything easier for you apart from wanting you to move in with him. No contingencies for retirement. No contingencies if he is unable to work again. I bet he has life insurance for is daughters though.
I would move on. He needs someone who is OK with the status quo. You need someone who will be closer to your age and help you raise a child.
These are some very good
These are some very good points I hope the OP considers.
Diarrhea (even of the mouth )
Diarrhea (even of the mouth ) is good when you have a rotten gut! Meaning, your stomach is in knots over this or your gut is telling you something. Trust your instincts.
You already know you are not a first priority. If you like that back seat status, stay by all means. If love and being in love means more to you than your self respect, then stay. If you are Mother Teresa and are selfless and don't need much of anything, then stay.
He is doing you a favor by showing you his true colors now.
Please don't make the mistake so many of us did here. You still have a chance to flee.......
God Bless.