Am I just being selfish
So a little background, I'm 30 child free by choice I enjoy children but prefer it to not be a constant endeavor. I started dating a guy I really liked after a 7 year long relationship that was very difficult.
I really hit it off with this man and he informed me that he has a daughter that he shares custody with the mother. During covid she went to stay with the mother due to living situations and cancer treatments. The mother refused to give her back. After the court wouldnt get involved I went on vacation enjoyed the town and decided to move there for a bit, boyfriend of now 7 months came with me.
Flash forward 10 months of living 2000 miles away and BM is pregnant again and on drugs so My boyfriends daughter is living full time with us.
My work schedule is limited someone has to stay home with the kid. Work is stressful in a busy restaurant when I do go and it's all about the kid on my days off (which are alone he works my days off).
She's not a super terrible kid she's just annoying and demanding. I just had a hard time turning 30 feeling like my life was over but I was wrong now I feel like the potential for my life is definitely over playing maid and nanny to a kid I swore to myself I wouldn't have since I was 12. I guess I'm being selfish but I feel like I'm sacrificing myself and my life to watch this crotch goblin.
I'm not sure what to do but either way I'm going to feel terrible
Have your BF get childcare for DD
You are not the maid not the childcare. Person ect. He should find a place to put her in ,on the day time.
Think it's time to make an exit plans
You are absolutely not being
You are absolutely not being selfish. You are childless by choice, so someone else's child is not your responsibility just because you are dating the father.
It gets harder when the BM isn't around or isn't capable of caring for a child. Your BF definitely has an obligation to be a good parent, but that doesn't mean you have an obligation to be the replacement parent. There are other options -- day care, babysitters, etc. Or ending the relationship. Ask him how he'd care for the child if you weren't in the picture. He'd find a way.
Am I being selfish
I think the fear he will struggle alone with her is part of the issue for me. He has me working less hours because he makes more money hourly so I'm taking care of her all day 4-5 days a week. Daycare currently until we are approved for assistance is out of the question what would be the point if it costs what I'm making a month. We kind of share finances so it would be like me working for free.
He is also suggesting we home school her because I previously worked with special education. She seems pretty typical just an emotional wreck but so am I so I don't really feel bad for her emotional issues.
He would find away you're right. I know I shouldn't feel responsible but if I leave I wonder how he will do it all. Hes domestically inept and I'm tired of cleaning up constantly. I imagine they'd live in squalor.
Love is not enough. There are
Love is not enough. There are people we will date who are a great partner...for someone else. Compatibility means a lot more than love in a long-term relationship, as you're realizing.
And, really, the kid isn't the only way you're incompatible. How long would you put up with being a maid and cook for your "domestically inept" boyfriend sans kid? Probably longer than now, but I highly doubt you'd be interested in putting up with it long-term.
The truth is, you're not compatible. He is responsible for figuring out life with his kid. Not you. You don't want to, and it's not your responsibility. So stop trying and let him figure it out. You not working means you can't leave when you finally decide you need to.
Well, I'm child free, by
Well, I'm child free, by choice, and I can tell you that there is absolutely no way that I would have become the primary caretaker (or home schooler) of my SD. But, my DH wouldn't have expected that of me. In fact, in the 10 years of her visitation, I watched her for a total of 4 hours (and she was sleeping for 2 of those).
Staying with him, because you wonder how he will do it on his own, is not the thing to do. He will figure things out. You should not throw your life away for this guy and his kid. The resentment will become unbearable.
Don't waste too much more time on this situation.
By the way, he is the one being selfish. I assume he knew that you've never wanted kids? Now, he wants you to home school his? No, thanks.
Had you not been in his life when the BM got on drugs, what would he have done about his daughter? So convenient that he has you to deal with this.
Am I being selfish
The baby mom and my boyfriend are both former drug addicts(heroin) mom had a relapse when her brother died. She took of when her daughter was two. Been in her life again since four.
For being a troubled kid living in a rough situation she's awful entitled she very loudly and sassily told me to make her a hotdog and I said if she asked me a little nicer I would. This 5 almost 6 year old rolled her eyes at me and said she'd just go in her room. She frequently urinates and poops in her pants but her dad says she's embarrassed to wear pull-ups.
I'm already tired of cleaning tiny disgusting clothes and my clothes smelling like urine even after washed. Very strong smelling urine from no water I assume smells like straight ammonia. Our male pit bulls pee is less potent than this child.
I'm really considering those telling me to leave. It's only going to get worse. Boyfriend points out that he picks up after himself and her but in the 10 months he hasn't done dishes, swept the floor or even picked up a rag.
I'm not sure how him cleaning up there mess is contributing to the upkeep but I guess it's my job being a proud owner of a vagina.
Yeah, it's time to break this
Yeah, it's time to break this off. Your BF sounds very immature and it really does sound like he is just using you.
You can do so much better than this.
Am I being selfish
Well I sat down and had a talk with him about some things like the housework and how I'm feeling. We tried to keep it civil and calm. I think it went well but I feel no better.
A lot of promises were made but show of hands who has lived with broken promises before. He brought up homeschooling again and voiced his concerns about the schools in the area.
I'm consistently feeling more needed then wanted and it's stressing me out. This man explained to me how much he cared and that if I we're leaving it was kind of fer because I was doing it because of his kid. It's his responsibility to care for her and I'm hurting him for even suggesting I'd leave because of her so now I feel like scum.
You shouldn't feel like scum.
You shouldn't feel like scum. You're the victim in this. He's gaslighting you, manipulating you to get you to do what he wants. Now take a good long look at what he's offering - he's already got you to cut back your hours "because somebody has to look after the kid". Umm, no, HE has to look after the kid. She's his daughter and he needs to find a solution and stop using you like an unpaid sitter, cleaner, cook, etc. He has issues with the local schools? Well, what a shame for him. Where is he going to send his daughter then? You should not be sacrificing your life, your career, your future for HIS daughter who is HIS responsibility. You were pretty upfront about being childfree by choice so why does he think you're going to jump for joy at the idea of taking his daughter entirely off his hands?
What's in this for you? What kind of a relationship do you have? He isn't even there on your days off but he wants you to do all the donkey work and be grateful for whatever crumbs he throws you ... Doesn't sound like a good start for anything longterm ...
By the way, have you noticed the tidy little way he's slowly cutting you off from the rest of the world? First fewer hours, then homeschooling ... Do you see your friends often? Go out with them occasionally? How about your family. Think it through. He is using you and gaslighting you. Once he cuts you off from earning money, how will you dig yourself out when homeschooling drives you mental?
So tell me, who's the scum now? (Clue - it sure as heck isn't you).
In your shoes, I'd be running for the hills. This is a pretty good example of love is never enough.
Do NOT let him gaslight you
Do NOT let him gaslight you and make this your fault. Clear sign that he is using you for his own needs and responsibilities. He is basically trying to hold you hostage, emotionally.
You would not be leaving just because of her, but because of HIM and how he is treating you and handling this situation.
Of course, he will promise you the moon if it keeps you there. He figures the longer you stay, you will just give up the fight and keep staying, until you feel that really can't leave because you have too much invested or whatever.
Trust us, get out NOW.
Nobody should ever be made to feel bad because you want out of a relationship, and are leaving the parenting up to the PARENT. As a parent, he should actually understand and tell you that you are right, he needs to focus on his daughter and should not be in a relationship, right now.
This really is something that he needs to do on his own, and he won't as long as you are his girlfriend.
I know exactly what he is doing and I am so mad for you.
Recap... did I handle this ok
So I'm planning to leave and go back to the coast either at the end of fall or no later than spring( hard weather winter here). I talked to him last night and explained my stance on things.
He knew about my mental health issues which have been a struggle for me for most of my adult life. I told him that the position I was in wasn't going to be healthy for me long term. I think to be a step parent would probably be incredibly rewarding but part of the reason I withheld from my own child bearing had a great deal to do with my genetics and health, mental or otherwise.
He stayed really calm and collected though I almost would have rather him been upset at least then I'd feel more validated in how disappointed I am in myself right now. He explained that he thought I wasn't fighting hard enough to make things work and I should go to therapy for a bit and then relook at the situation. I explained to him that I honestly already felt trapped and resentful and I didn't think time and therapy was going to fix the whole lack of maternal instincts for me. I told him that I couldn't see anyone happy with the situation down the road.
I offered to help him find a smaller place and enroll her in school while I'm still in town. He seemed flat and hurt he told me he didn't want me to do anything I didn't want to and I could go when I was ready. I'm still feeling really bad. Mentally and physically I'm already feeling better possibly because I made a decision and set it in motion but I don't know I'm still feeling emotionally devastated and like an evil witch.
Sorry for the long post I'm just torn and tired.
Did I handle this ok, I haven't given him a date or time period yet I was hoping to be helpful one last time. This whole endeavor really drained me out financially but I could at least give some of my time.
As someone who dragged out
As someone who dragged out the process of leaving and severing ties with my XH, don't wait any longer than you absolutely have to. There is no help you're going to be able to provide that stops this from hurting less, and you'll like end up hurting yourself more as you give yourself more opportunities to be gaslighted.
I'd say you handled it
I'd say you handled it admirably. I'm happy that you have made a decision that will improve your quality of life immensely. However, I'd just like to warn you that he's liable to start love-bombing you to get you to stay. He took things quite well because he was probably in shock - he thought he had you hooked for good and hadn't realized at that particular point in time just how much he is going to lose. Remember that nothing he promises will last more than a couple of weeks before you're back to where you were so be prepared. Remember how much of your freedom he took away when expecting you to step up to HIS responsibilities.
Pack as much as you can so that, if things do turn bad, you can just grab them and run. Also, I don't want to alarm you but it's not a bad idea to have the police on speed dial, just in case. Who knows how he's going to react when reality hits home?
Do you have a joint bank account with him? If so, it's time to open an account for you and move your money into it.
Please keep us posted.
First of all, you are not an
First of all, you are not an evil witch. Him telling you that you are not fighting hard enough (for something that you don't even want- being responsible for his daughter) is just him trying to manipulate you. Please don't fall for it.
I have been in my SD's life since she was 5, she is now 30. She was a well behaved kid, DH took good care of her, I have a decent relationship with her. I can still honestly say that being a step parent is NOT incredibly rewarding.
There is no need to "re-look" at the situation, you already know that it's not for you. There is nothing wrong with that.
Please don't feel bad for looking out for you and your mental health. Your staying would really not be good for anyone, in the long run, and you know it.
Also, don't feel that you need to keep trying to help him. You need to focus on you and your plans, and he can focus on his responsibilities and do for his daughter. Don't continue to get caught up in his issues, it will never end and you will feel like you can never leave. You don't have to be "helpful one last time", you have done more than enough. Let him start standing on his own two feet.
Stop beating yourself up about this, you are not doing anything wrong. This is not the relationship for you and you would not be doing anybody any favors by staying.