Mine is afraid of "upsetting her or making her cry". If she's unhappy he's unhappy. They are best friends. If things don't go her way, there will be Hell to pay. She won't call or text and with hold grandson. Last time she didn't get her way she moved out of state without telling him. He was so depressed he lost 60lbs. But, she's back now. Her BF, baby's Daddy dumped her. So my H is recovering from depression. So yes he's afraid of losing her love and attention.  They are grossly enmeshed. Such a trainwreck.

Mine is afraid of upsetting ss24 and him not speaking to him again. As of the end of April they don’t have a relationship because it was over the top for my DH to remind him that smoking pot was not allowed in our home. DH is still very mad at skid24 but sometimes he is mopey about it which is understandable. However I don’t think it has come full circle yet of dh’s role in making skid the way he is. As for me I can give my opinion and enforce rule with my own DS22 and vice a versa without any worries. 

Mine was afraid of his adult DD because he knew what she was capable of (although he wouldn't admit it at the time).  He knew that if he did not do what she wanted, she would punish him. She had done it before. She would threaten to withhold the grandkids. And that's exactly what she did when he finally confronted her about her behavior.....her utterly ridiculous behavior. She had never been corrected before, and she was in her 40's.

Also, many of these DH's want to ensure they are favored over BM.   If BM is favored, in their minds they afraid they will look more responsibile for causing the divorce than BM.

These guys are afraid for a reason.  Their comfort level - whatever that means to them - could be compromised. With us being under their roofs, they take us for granted. Some of them wake up when they realize we could walk out the door.  Some of them would rather still pander to their adult children.

I think Lamby nailed it when she wrote, " Their comfort level - whatever that means to them - could be compromised."  It is all about comfort and they will do anything to ensure it stays that way - even throwing us under the bus.  DH was afraid to confront SD about her behavior.  But he was MORE afraid of losing the comfy life he has with me.  As a result, SD shunned him.  He has not visited her in over 8 1/2 years even though I have no objections.  I think he is still afraid of her but it's not my problem.

This certainly used to be true of my DH, but he had a road to Damascus moment in 2013 and since then is not so bad any more. He would pander to the SDs and bend himself out of shape trying not to offend, whereas they offended him all the time, and treated him abominably. But it is true that if you make yourself into a doormat, people will walk on you, and he has seen the light, thank goodness. These days he doesn't take any shit any more.  A small example - the other week SD24 was home (at NPD BM's) and he was taking both SDs + one boyfriend out for coffee.  He arrived to pick them up and SD24 started a big argument with her sister, so he told her that being the case, coffee wasn't happening.  He ended up taking SD22 out but not the other two.  In days of yore this would NEVER have happened. 

My dh is afraid of loosing the relationship if SD33 gets upset with him. He is already estranged from SD31 for 11 years now and on estrangement #4 with SS27. skids pas'ed by bm.

I think this is a big elephant in the room re: divorced dads and their kids.  When a dad is out of the maritial home, no longer involved in the day to day activities, and, of course, this is usually the case even now where the children mostly reside with BM, he no longer feels as connected or in much control.  Dads are supposed to be in control of their kids.  Men don't want peace anywhere near as much as they want control.  That is why we keep having wars, for example, because men want control.

Truth is, a lot of these dads don't really know their own children that well even within just a couple of years after a divorce.  Kids still see him as dad, but dad doesn't really feel like a dad , per se.  Most dads, as far as men are concerned, run or even rule the household.  This is no longer the case for a divorced dad.  So, they tend to overcompensate, and yes, in a sense, are to a degree "afraid" of their own children and BM, who now seems to have the overall control that dad used to or used to think he had.

Then, along comes SM, and dad starts to see SM as the way to bridge the gap, so to speak.  She is to be the buffer between him and children he personally doesn't seem to know that well.  Well, of course, talk about high expectations for SM, yet again.  Here is yet another example where SM is supposed to keep the peace between a family that technically others see as not hers.  

My goodness---this is a sad yet important post. Like Devona said above Dh who are afraid of their kids are weak parents from the get go.

I SECOND THAT.

My opinion is there is a very strange dynamic/triangulation going on with THAT family. You hurt me/your shitty to me so I will suck up to you more because it makes MEEEEEE feel good and I cant pre-teeeeeenddddd we have a pretty little happy family.

 NOT normal.

What IS healthy is...Listen UP adult kid..Maybe you had a bad day...maybe you have 10cents in your checking account. who knows. I will give you a free pass today. YOU treat me or my wife or anyone in our home with disrespect---YOU will no longer be welcome here OR at any family events, holidays.

You got that?

Good.

OP your husband is a grown man. I will leave it at that.

Sorry your having to cope with this.

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My DH isn’t as bad about this as he used to be. But he is afraid that one day they will just stop loving him. He knows it’s irrational and he does everything possible to keep the peace with them. 

Usually it doesn’t affect me, but now and then he is reminded that it is more important to keep the peace with me instead of pandering to their demands. 

I remember my mother saying that my dad, a decorated veteran, was afraid of disciplining my siblings and me. Mom was the tough one. I loved my Dad, but it was my Mom who really had my respect and admiration when I finally stopped being an assh0le teenager  

This phenomenon might not be limited to divorced dads. 

I cannot understand being scared of your own child. Maybe this is a consequence of being a very weak parent and knowing it.

This sickness is way beyond what can be reasonably explained.  Simply stay away from it at any cost; if DH doesn't like it,..he can walk too. You seek peace away from his dysfunction.  

You deserve peace and happiness; surround yourself with only people who give you that in your life.....

BRAVO "CANYOUHELP" bravo.

DH lets ss22 walk all over him and me, and he smiles and tells me to be ok with it.  I have always called ss22 on his crap, implemented consequences, and started over.  After 14 years, it has only gotten worse, and now that ss22 is living within 20 minutes of us, it continues to "snowball" and I can't take it anymore.  When ss22 says "jump", dh asks, "how high?!"  Ss22 and what he wants comes before my retirement and living needs.  I am so sad beyond repair.  Dh keeps telling me I am making a mistake in divorcing him which only adds to all of his behavior that confirms I am making the right decision.  If ss22 would have moved out of state like he originally planned, my marriage would have had a chance, but no, I am guessing that dh has been asking him to move closer so that he could help him more...all without my knowledge.  What an arse.  They are both arses.  I hope they are happy together.  ss22's new wife has a huge awakening when she realizes what an arse her husband (ss22) is...

Men of principal, character and confidence  aren't.

Because these are very, very weak men.  Doormats. 

DH was scared of ss33 for about the first 5 years of our marriage. I disengaged a few years, removed myself as ss's target and WHAM! Dh got the brunt of all the blame, whining, and money grubbing full force.  One day DH was actually crying after ss came over and started screaming and throwing things because DH had the audacity to correct him on some scientific fact.  Fast forward a few years from that; ss had called DH with the monthly "Wah, life is so hard!" session, DH must've had a long day because he went off and told ss something to the effect that he had failed at life and needed to grow the #$*& up.  After that ss didn't speak to DH for 6 months, buuuut then he needed a truck to move something and started talking to good ol' dad again.  Luckily the dynamic did shift and there has been less enmeshment. Last I heard ss and gf even moved out of mommy's, although ss did call for money but DH actually told him no.  

DH may still be scared of ss's but he knows I won't put up with the sh*t flying around our home or in our marriage so the incidents almost non existent at this point. 

And DH admitted that in counseling. He feels "guilty" because SD has made it a point to say, "Daddy was not there for all my games in high school. It was tough not having him around." Really? My dad left when I was less than a year old, and I never saw him again. He died when I was 17. I was raised in chaos and dysfunction, so believe me, nobody can spot it like I can. I went on to raise gifted and talented identified kids, earned 3 degrees (graduating with a 4.0 in all while raising kids and moving with my husband's career), and I turned out fine. On the other hand, this girl always knew she was going to get a large amount of real estate, debt free, daddeee put her and her siblings through college, and she KNEW HER FATHER, and that he was leaving all of this to her !  How is that a difficult life? 

Like many of you have commented, they are afraid of being emotionally alienated from these girls. After (unbeknownst to me, and while I was living in the marital home that she has never lived in) DH gave her everything 100% debt free ( hundreds of  acres of land, the paid off marital home we live in,(and there are no legal provisions for me if he dies), a barn & all  equipment, 2 guest houses and more), she  kicked him to the curb, by leaving a series of venemous voicemails, disowning him until he got rid of "this woman he brought into their family." Telling him to "Keep his crazy, because he and his wife add entirely too much stress to her life." After her 45 minute meltdown, she tried to blame her rage on a number of irrelevant things,(apologizing hollowly(MANIPULATION) & only to DH, and trying to send a group text to her siblings, myself and DH) rather than OWNING her behavior, as any healthy adult would. I immediately called bullshit on her, and when she called DH to "see how the apology went" he told her that! Our pastor, counselor and others have observed that nobody has ever stood up to her, or not allowed her to have her way until me. SD also tried to manipulate us into doing things her way. I told her that wasn't going to work, and refused to go along with it. You've never seen such rage. I told her, "I don't love you like your daddy does, and I have standards for how I expect to be treated, and you're failing miserably. I will not be complying with your request, on any terms you can present, so stop making demands. As long as your father is my husband, he won't either." 

I then consulted with a law enforcement friend, (filed a police report, after her horrible rant) & notified DH I had grounds to file a restraining order against her, and if she shows up here, I have that police report in hand, and I"m calling the law to come remove her. His response was, "She is part owner." My response was, "I don't care. I'm your full-time wife, and I LIVE HERE. If you aren't going to stop her, or intervene in any way, I have to protect myself." He asked, "Why do you want to destroy my daughter?" It's not that at all, it's self-preservation. My reply was, "Oh! You mean the person who kicked your ass squarely to the curb like a football? You must  be proud of your crazy little bitch. And why don't you want to protect your wife?" 

So yes, liimp wristed parenting yields this type of result. You reap what you sow.

and I have no problem with you posting about it.

We need to lean on one another in an effort to understand this baffling paradigm.

Yes, it IS divorced Dad syndrome. They will NOT discipline them. My SDs are now in their late 30's and 40s. DH NEVER once confronted them about their nasty behavior. I always heard: they are only here for the school break. Well, that went on from the time they were kids---they were NEVER confronted. The youngest SD was abandoned by her bio mother at age 14--sent here to live with us and bio mom never paid a dime of child support despite that DH had to pay her! (bio mother said she didn't want to ruin her happy marriage and never came to visit in FIVE years.) Yet, the younger one caused enormous turmoil in our lives. Now, the oldest EXPECTS gifts for all her kids on birthdays and Christmas. Not once did she EVER even send my son a birthday card and never even a card at Christmas. In fact, in 25 years, DH and I were NEVER invited for even a cup of coffee! No holiday dinners---despite the fact that SDs ALWAYS came to my holiday dinners and brought their boyfriends (and DH paid for their lodging and meals. So, in a nutshell.....DHs are consumed by divorce guilt and this plays out in letting the kids be disrepectful and downright mean. 

My DH said he didn’t want to confront his kids cause he was scared of losing them. 

DH daughters are so volatile and manipulative that anything could set them off and they will ‘punish’ their  dad by not seeing him, abusive messages, emotional blackmail. DH is so scared of ‘losing’ them that he walks on eggshells with them and is played like a fiddle.  It’s all so sick and twisted.  

.

With OSD, who goes for a few years at a time being 'okay' with DH/us/me, to a few years of being hateful, barely speaking to us, threatning to walk out of DH's life and then back to fine and most recently not only walked out of DH's life but is of course now withholding the grandchildren too, DH used to tread quite lightly with her and I understand why

With YSD, who can absolutely do no wrong in DH's eyes and generally seems to be fine with all, he kisses her butt even more and that one I don't understand...other than she is his pride and joy and he just melts when he's around her

But DH has historically also kissed his sister's ass. His sister who has caused him nothing but problems, who has really not treated him well and quite honestly he really does not seem to be that concerned with in general, and yet he has always tread for the most part lightly with her too...even more confusing!

These days though, since SIL and OSD aren't talking to us at all, DH & I are simply enjoying the peace, and if and when they ever do try to reach out, DH will be far less inclined to do the butt-kissing routine

My DH becomes another person when he drives. Aggressive.  In a rush. So when I am in the drivers seat he gets very controlling and demanding that I follow his directives even where to park. It has become an issue for us. So while his adult kids were here we had a discussion with the princess. His favorite. She said that he does this with her sister such that she will never drive with him as a passenger again. She added that he never does this with me. My response?  “That sounds about right.”  Neither she or her father said one word.  

So she knows her power.  

She has always been treated special because she is the most enmeshed with mommy dearest. 

Why are our DH's scared of their adult kids?

This is the million dollar question. I myself will never understand how a parent can be afraid of their kids/adult kids.....especially to the point that they can't or won't parent them out of fear. To raise a child in this way is a recipe for disaster as we clearly see on this forum.

My DW has 2 adult daughters that she will not question, correct or criticize in the least bit. Her oldest who is 40, lives with my wife's parents, has a newborn and 2 children, 14 and 21 that live there as well. Her mother complains profusely about their laziness, refusal to find work, lack of helping out with bills or any chores or even a plan on moving out, but my wife, despite telling her mom she will talk to her daughter, NEVER does, nor will she, and has told me to stay out of it when I ask her if she spoke to her or her grandson. To me, her, and countless others are afraid to confront their children in any way because to me, calling out ones children is like calling out one's self knowing that in most cases, it was THEIR lack of parenting that created the very issues they refuse to call their children out on. In reality, it is THEIR failures, THEIR dysfunction they are refusing to confront, not their children's. What's to fear? who can say, but I feel it maybe failure, not fear that is the dynamic at work.

IMHO, those who cower, kowtow, are men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves, that when faced with seeing themselves in the mirror, they cannot, or will not, see themselves for who they really are, what they are, what they helped create and what they are in part responsible for....they simply run and hide and refuse to take issues head on. Let's be honest, no one likes to ever admit they screwed up, no enabler ever sees themselves as hurting someone...it goes back to honesty, accountability, consequences, boundaries, behavior and being responsible for ones actions.

puzzledinthedesert ~  I agree with you! These kids/adult kids are a product of their parents poor parenting and they don't want to see what they created so it's either ignored, enabled, or put on someone else to deal with. I feel for your wifes parents who put up with this crap at their age. That couldn't be me.....

the popular belief that it is divorced guilty dad head. My husband was a widow and after we married I come to better understand just how bad and sick it was. 

I am almost certain it stems more from how the mother parented. Dear ol’dad was last on the list, respect of him was not a requirement and the mom was totally in charge of every aspect of the marriage, family, home and all. As the years passed I began requiring there be change or I was going to be long gone. After many conversations on why the fear and allowable control of daughter and son it came out that the mom/wife was in charge and he had really no say. 

I watched his children show no respect for him, even Father’s Day, it was a tragic dynamic to watch. As soon as he began standing up to daughter and for himself...the grandkids gone...been that way for almost 3 years.  It is pitiful use, abuse, and bully into submission. He has in he past done more for his adult children and grandchildren than any other person I know from homes, private schools for everybody, college, grocery shopping...I could go on and on. The lack of respect was apalling. His son got it and wised up and made changes for himself to be better I am happy for my husband for that.

I thank god every day that he finally could see and make positive, healthy changes for himself and our marriage. He is a good man, he just needed help understanding the dynamics of his marriage and family were unhealthy and dysfunctional and stunted his children forever. 

I do hope those of us here find the help we need to help our spouse and marriage, if not, leave and start a new healthy life and be happy.  Living in the dysfunction of this type of situation will destroy lives.

Cheers to healthy and happy!