When sick/hurt, do you get different treatment?
SD28 has a medical condition since childhood and my SO is FREQUENTLY mentioning how she has this disease, and its always in the forefront of his concern about her, even now when she is married and on her own. When she was a child, he said he often got up in the middle of the night to check on her. He told me he could easily wake up at the slightest rustle or sound from her room!
As a teen when BM permitted her to, SD got piercings, tattoos, etc. and he was beside himself when he found out about it because he is always SO WORRIED about her health!
Nothing wrong with that, of course, but I've come to the conclusion that same level of care and concern doesn't seem to exist for me.
I also have a medical condition/disability I've had since I was a kid, and I think he forgets I have it since I rarely talk or complain about the daily pain I deal with. It's like my condition is off his radar.
Then when I'm sick his standard modus operandi is to make sure I have the basics (water, etc.) and then leave me alone completely for long stretches at a time. A couple of years ago, when I had a fever, he went and visited neighbors he never visited before until about 10 at night. He did the same thing when I had the flu - made sure I had water etc. but left and went to work without calling and checking on me. Another time when I was vomiting all night due to severe food poisoning, he never got up or even moved in the bed and said he didn't hear me at all and "slept" through my frequent retching trips to the bathroom. (But remember, this is the same guy who bragged he could hear SD simply rustle in her sleep a few doors down, however!)
I'm really not a person who needs lots of TLC when I'm ill and I lived alone/single for many years so I know I can manage on my own. I don't whine or complain, and am grateful for whatever he does do for me before he skates out.
What seems to bother me is that this person who supposedly cares for me so much chooses to be absent/ignore me when I may need him most. I really don't expect him to sit there and hold my hand, and quite frankly, sleeping and bed rest is usually the best anyway.
The concern I have is his ATTITUDE about it. Which is somewhat nasty, like caring for me is an unwelcome chore. I think this stems from the fact that his princess daughter has a disease, and therefore anyone else's illness or disease just doesn't measure up and thus, they are not worthy of his attention.
Another example is recently when I accidentally smashed my finger in a door and got a nasty cut. When I yelped, he immediately said "What did you do?" This is his standard response to me. WHAT DID I DO - as in, SOMETHING WRONG.
I said I smashed my finger in the door and went over to to the sink as it was bleeding quite a bit. He then said, "How did you do that?" Again, like I did something WRONG! I said "It was an accident, what do you think?!" He then ridiculed me and repeated "Oh, it was an accident ..." and then said sarcastically like he was talking to a child, "Do you want a bandaid?"
Is it just me or is this off? Normally, when someone gets hurt (including him) the first things I think of to say are along the lines of, "Let me see it. I'll go get first-aid stuff." Etc. It's NOT "What did YOU do?" And then dish out ridicule and sarcasm.
He recently had a damn SPLINTER in his finger and made it a point to come to me so I could take it out and bandage it up. Last time he had the flu I took the day off of work, drove him to his doctor and made sure he had soup, drank enough, etc. the rest of the day.
I think this is yet another development in my SO's psychological reaction to his disappointment with his kids and his lack of relationship with them. I have a feeling I am being a punching bag and he will especially do so when I am down or vulnerable, because there is less chance for me to put him in his place.
Is this just me being overly sensitive, or am I maybe on to something here?
I have struggled with chronic
I have struggled with chronic health issues all my life- I don't make a fuss but just get on with things and I'm proud of what I have achieved despite the difficulties. Your DH sounds a little like my ex- he was never sympathetic to my needs, even when I went into labour with his children but when he had the slightest thing wrong he made such an almighty fuss. I remember he once had a problem with his ear and asked me to look- I told him I couldn't see anything and he went so mad at me, saying I shouldn't call myself a nurse if I was so stupid that I couldn't tell he had something seriously wrong. He was even indifferent to the suffering of his children.
Eventually the marriage ended when my brother was very ill and I realised that I wouldn't be looked after as he was cared for by his wife and thought, why am I with a man who doesn't care for me?
I think you should stop comparing yourself to SD and just think how your own needs may change over time- do you think your DH will really care for you?
Now my DH despite his faults did and does care for me when I'm ill- and my ex? He's till on his own with no one caring for him...
Your example is so sad, and
Your example is so sad, and what a shame that your ex was so uncaring. I don't know what sets him off on tangents like this, because there are other times when he is very solicitous. That's why I think it may have something to do with his daughter - he was recently in contact with her.
In any case, I have long-term care insurance I signed up for well before I met my SO. Sometimes strangers can be more caring than so-called loved ones. Sad, but true.
Well it's not so sad because
Well it's not so sad because I threw him out and he is the one who cries into his dinner now. We don't have health insurance here in fairyland- I don't expect DH to perform surgery on me or diagnose my illness, but I do expect him to care for me when I cannot do it for myself. I don't agree that strangers are more caring, they do get paid for it, whereas I want to be cared for by people who love me. You deserve the same.
I went on bedrest for two
I went on bedrest for two months while pregnant with my second child, and he was born early.
Throughout that whole ordeal my exDH treated me like an inconvenience. He was mad that he had to cook, do things for me, while I was pregnant with HIS CHILD. He even complained to my mother about it.
When I was in labor, it was a stressing ordeal since my son was premature. I asked my ex to get me something out of the closet in the delivery room. He told me he was too tired. Oh, my OB happened to be in the room then and she ripped my ex a new one. It was awesome.
I just had to relay that story. I don't think your ex is that insensitive, but he does seem to want to do his own thing. Maybe he sees your high level of competence and that you are doing well on your own? These men are not programmed to protect us the way they are with their children. But your SO should not be giving you an attitude either.
My current DH took a career aptitude test in high school and the result was "nurse". I believe it. I have to tell him to let me have some quiet when I am sick.
It's the attitude that
It's the attitude that bothers me most of all. They way he said "What did YOU DO?" Like I am some kind of reckless nincompoop who bumbles her way through life - and he is Mr. Perfect.
Next time he needs help with a splinter, I will be giving him the same third degree: What did YOU DO? HOW did you do it? You know where the bandaids are, go take care of it! }:)
OMG...I have chronic lyme
OMG...I have chronic lyme disease and another issue as a result. If a member of my boyfriend's family had the same, it would be the end of the world...oh poor them, etc. etc. Me? I still have to grocery shop, clean the house, cook and pay 1/2 the bills.
Yes, exactly!
Yes, exactly! :sick:
My DH used to be an a$$h*le
My DH used to be an a$$h*le like your DH is being. Thank goodness I have a good immune system because there were times when I was too sick to take care of myself and DH never did anything to help. I know I've told this before but one time I broke my leg. DH insisted it was only a sprain and refused to take me to the doctor. I had to drive myself at least 40 miles using my left foot. That was a turning point for me. I told EVERYONE like it was a joke. Did not care if he was embarrassed - and he was. Last year I had surgery on my rotator cuff - he was wonderful! LOL
OMG - I don't know how some
OMG - I don't know how some of you put up with your ahole spouses.
My DH literally saved my life when I ended up in ICU on life support for a week with acute sepsis. If I'd been home alone I would have been dead by morning. When I got C Diff (which causes horrible uncontrollable diarrhea) he cleaned me up. And we weren't even married yet.
I fell recently and have a broken bone that has caused major mobility issues. Not only has my DH waited on me hand and foot - he actually stopped to tell me that as we age he will ALWAYS be there to take care of me as needed. He just wanted me to know that he would always be there for me.
My DH doesn't help me when I
My DH doesn't help me when I am sick. Never has. In fact, most of the time he will stay out late so I am responsible for the chores outside (we live on a farm) even though I can barely make it out of bed. But he will pull out the stops if SS has something. If I say anything it is met by, "how can you say that when SS is sick?" or "it isn't a competition," or my personal favorite, "you would feel differently if you had kids. I wish we could swap lives just once."
After I spend time on this site, I wonder why I am even in this relationship.