What would you do
I've been contemplating leaving pretty strongly since my last post and feel like it's the best option for the entire situation. My issue is that DD is getting married in a few months here on our current property, and she has no idea there's even trouble because I don't discuss those types of things with my kids unless I feel it's necessary, like after I have everything ready to go.
what I'm having trouble with is the thought of faking it until the wedding so I dont have to destroy all of that too. Right now every day is a challenge but I can't think of a worse thing to ruin than my daughters wedding, other than my marriage of course but that is probably a done deal anyway.
just curious what the rest of you would do and if you have any advice. Its been pretty uncomfortable because I have disengaged from just about everything here, but this wouldn't probably be as big of a sacrifice as some of the other things that have happened.
appreciate your thoughts
I sometimes find that
I sometimes find that focusing on how long is left can help, maybe give yourself a countdown until you leave. Set it for a few weeks after the wedding. This won't be a shock to your daughter right? She must know you're thinking about this.
Use the time to find a place, make a plan to leave, and get everything in order. Figure out what bills need to change, talk to a lawyer, maybe a therapist. Figure out when would be the best time to pack up and leave, maybe a day when everyone is busy. You could even pack and leave in plain sight, just say you're tidying up or clearing clutter. Use this time to make a well planned exit. Find reasons to be out of the house as much as possible until then. Is there a hobby you neglected or a class you can take? Pretend to be very busy with work? Take long walks with your dogs?
It isn't easy faking that everything is ok, but if you're already disengaged then I don't think they will notice.
Wedding prep
Wedding prep gives lots of opportunities to be gone for undefined amounts of time. Baker, caterer, alterations, etc, right? So, you can make those appointments Seeyounever listed. And, since it's on your property, you'll be moving things around anyway so it would be less noticeable if you moved some of your own things. I'd follow her advice and use this time, and the opportunity to be gone, to get things lined up for your exit immediately after the wedding.
Be Wedding Busy
If it were me, I'd stay until the wedding was done. But I'd have my exit plan ready to be gone immediately after that. In the mean time, as JRI said, weddings can keep you busy, or at least give you an excuse to get out of the house. Maybe plan a few weekend getaways with the girls, or even alone. And definitely get a count down counter, as SeeYouNever suggested. I used one of those for an "event" that took me over 2 years to get to. It was nice to "check" it every once in a while. And when the day came and I was fully vested, woohoo!
Best to you. I know your situation is difficult. I've been there. Just remember....there is an end.
Make it a count down to the weddding
Just to avoid any trouble, I'd make it a count down to the wedding. Knowing in your head that a short while after that is your count down to your decision as well. But I'd use this time to ensure that you have your ducks in a row. Wedding appointments can easily be lawyer appointments. But make sure they don't mail anything! The last thing you want is an accidental clue dropped.
I think you'll regret it if you throw a wrench into your daughter's plans at this stage of planning. Because not only will you be possibly altering the venue, you're going to make it awkward for any guests who are there from DH's side. And if she your DH there she now has to start stressing over who sits where, who does what dance, and on and on. Let her have her peaceful day, and blow the world up later.
BUT....make sure her photographer knows very discretely. So that you can get some pictures of just you and the happy couple, and so can your DH. And just you and the bride's side of the family. etc. You can always photoshop things later, but if the photographer can find a way to discretely frame photos you may appreciate it later.
Using the wedding as the cover is brilliant.
There are all kinds of appointments for planning a wedding with your DD and her future spouse that you an intersperse your "counseling" appointments with.
Set up COUNSELOR apointments. Psych COUNSELOR, Investment COUNSELOR, COUNSELOR at law, etc...
"Whatcha doin?". "Oh, just another counselor appointment."
That way if he plays all butt hurt when you leave and he is served you can tell him with total honesty, "I told you I was meeting with my lawyer." If his basic thesaurus skills are lacking, that is on him. Not you.
Enjoy planning the wedding!