Weddings - yet another post!
Hi everyone, new to being a Stepmom, new to the forum. So here is my story:
DH and I have been together for 6 years and married for a few months. We have known each other for many years and know each other's families and ex-spouses quite well. Our kids are all adults. His Ex is a spiteful, mean person and always has been and hates us equally (but especially me). This weekend at the wedding DH gave away the bride and after the ceremony the guests went down to cocktail hour while the family was invited to stay for photos -- all except me. At the time I was feeling like an "insignificant" other, but not overly emotional. Then the next day I was shown a FB post of the extended wedding party and there was my DH standing on the bride's side of the family- without me. (Ex's live-in BF was prominently featured, but not the Dad's WIFE). I lost it. Cried like I haven't cried in a long time. Shut myself in my room with the covers over my head and sobbed for hours. My heart hurt, my pride was wounded. I felt betrayed - no one advocated for me, not the SD or my DH. That is the part that I am having the most trouble with. He took the photo without me by his side as if I don't exist. I am having the hardest time trying to sort out why I am taking this so hard and how to get over it. So many people will see that photo and know I was deliberately excluded, but then again, maybe no one will notice him standing alone. For the record, DH has apologized for hurting me and is trying to make amends, but I can't seem to let this go yet. I have another SD and the way I feel right now, I will not attend her future wedding. Are there any sister SMs out there with a similar situation and words of advice? Thanks.
Yes. For many years, my DH
Yes. For many years, my DH sold me out and let my SD33 shun me for over seven years while living with us full time. I didn't give a shit about SD shunning me. It was DH putting the onus on me and not doing a damn thing to stop the abuse. Shunning is abuse. I was so betrayed. It took YEARS for me to get over it. I was OK for a while but now I have another issue and DH is too fucking blind to see his most favourite honey in the whole world as being exclusionary. I've been in the picture for 27 years, and I'm a totally involved grandma to SD's toddler, yet all the talk if grandpa this grandpa that and no mention of me at all. My house is Grandpa's house. Not grandma and grandpa's house or grandpa and Evil's house. Just grandpa. I'm not mentioned at all. So, the interloper bullshit has started all over again and I'm honestly thinking that despite all the therapy we've done over the last couple of years, we're just not going to make it. I cannot live my life like this and with DH failing me and not so much as saying a word to SD or trying to fit me in, I'm more and more leaning towards leaving. It's DH's betrayal and failure to help me out. It's been 27 years that I put up with ferals that aren't mine yet not one of them said a damn word on Mother's Day and I'm constantly actively left out of any reference to Grandpa and Grandpa's house with the little one. Yes, I know I'm not the SKs' mom but for God's sake! It's been 27 years. Doesn't that count for anything?
I don't blame you for not being able to let it go. It was such a betrayal and a very painful slap in the face. You were actively and deliberately rejected and ostrasized from the in-crowd's event and your DH just stood there like an ass and didn't even try to help you out. He is the one I have a problem with. With that level of pain, that would be the end of my marriage for me. Your DH needs to understand what HE did to you. HE failed you. Not your SD. HE did. HE caused you this pain. The man you love did this to you. He needs to know that. You will not be able to let this go unless and until your DH understands his role in the agony you're in.
You know, he did say he
You know, he did say he failed me. I appreciate that he said that. But...that was said only after my meltdown, not before. So, I think we have a few feelings to sort out. The SD is controlled by her BM, who is a horrible, hateful troll. I try to take the high road, am SUPER nice and respectful of my skids and try to be the kind of person that the BM is not. But I'll never be stepmom, stepgrandmom, etc. I'll just be "Dad's wife". Sigh.
The SD is an ADULT, so don't
The SD is an ADULT, so don't let her off easy. Sure, pressure may have been applied, but now your DumbH needs to apply some pressure on her as well.
Who paid for the wedding? Because if you and your H contributed, I would be livid.
Disengage totally
I've lived with a wimp of a guy for the past 15 years. I've disengaged totally. He never ever takes my side. But he really has no relationship with one daughter, and the other? Very transactional. She bullshits husband and he fails to think of her as anything other than the golden child. He invited her for a weekend in September. Her answer, only if her husband wants to attend a professional football game in town. Of course we paid for their tickets last year. My advice to you is put it down. Meaning they dont exist to you. Let your husband manage is relationships. No gift buying. Big meals. Etc etc.
Ah, wedding photos.
Ah, wedding photos. No BM involved. They were divorced, then she died. All before we started dating.
You'd never know I was at SD's wedding if you look at her photos. They took the group shots at a local park. I was told was told only those in the wedding party should be there (aka stay away).
Unfortunately, you'd never know DH's mom, her grandmother, was there either as I am in the only picture taken of grandmother and it didn't make the album.
DH paid for the photos. They, SD and H, showed us the album. Showed the pictures they were giving to the wedding party. Then left without giving one to DH. DH just looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and remarked that he knew where he stood.
We've been married 24 years. It hasn't gotten any better. It never will. If anything it's gotten worse.
Adding -- they have not changed. Worse because both DH and I have given up hope of things ever being better. Without hope is worse.
I'm so sorry you were subjected to that.
Any man who isn't willing to stand up for the woman he loves doesn't deserve to have her.
^^I've taught my DH this truth^^
You need to make your H fully understand how he failed you. That it's a form of betrayal since he's supposed to be your protector and advocate.
Weddings are such a hot button step issue - a female-dominated public event where there are many ways a SM can be disrespected and humiliated. They're the perfect playground for mean girl bs, and a lot of dads are little more than clueless props told to stand here and walk there. Your H no longer has ignorance as an excuse, so what matters is how he behaves going forward. I hope he holds his daughter accountable for mistreating you, and warns her it's not something he'll tolerate going forward.
Good points from all. It's a
Good points from all. It's a lot to digest. I'm hoping things just stay civil, and we only see the children sporadically so that is probably the reason he gave in to the request. Still stings though. Thanks everyone for your input.
I know how you feel except my
I know how you feel except my husband was treated just as bad if not worse than me. I know they don't see us mother figures but would it kill them to treat us with respect as their fathers wives? How were you treated the rest of the wedding?
I was warmly received by
I was warmly received by everyone! Except BM/MOB. There were folks there that had no idea we were even together, yet alone married, and everyone seemed (or at least acted) genuinely happy for us. They ALL know what a b*%ch she is so they were sympathetic. I was actually okay until I saw the photo.
The shunning for me started a
The shunning for me started a few years AFTER the wedding, when the Grand Spawn came. In my case it's a SS, not a SD. I can't put the blame on BM because he and his wife tossed her out of their lives pretty much. So I ranked higher than BM, but the SDIL, aka She-Devil, decided I wasn't worthy either, so she turned the SS, aka Lying Ingrate, against me too. I helped raise him and he claimed that he thought of me as his mother. Like you, my husband wanted me to just go along with everything. He wanted to rugsweep the She-Devil's lying. Then Ingrate started acting stupid and decided I was a stranger. Then he lied about it. He wanted me to be grandma to his child supposedly. My husband didn't take action until I did. He is the type to not want to attend family functions without me at his side. I put my foot down and refused to attend, refused to play the game any longer. He knew he had to deal with things then because I was done playing and he knew there was no way in Hell that he could talk me into anything. The Ingrate didn't get the memo and tried justifying and manipulation with me. It didn't go in his favor. We haven't spoken to him since. My husband quit talking to him too, since not only did I put my foot down, but I also pointed out truths to him and he saw things for himself.
If you choose to not participate in any future functions for the skids, I wouldn't blame you for one second. I know that some people would tell you to get all prettied up and show up on your husband's arm, but I'm of the belief that while, yes, you'd be giving them what they wanted, you at least wouldn't be subjected to an awkward family get together that you want no part of anyway. If your husband is the type to not like attending these things on his own, he'll either try to fix this mess or he'll stay away with you.
Had a good H2H with DH
Had a good H2H with DH yesterday. He blames himself for not taking a more active role in the wedding planning. He's right - he should have given just as much input as the BM, he contributed quite a bit of money, but didn't think to help with arrangements. He is adamant that when SD23 gets married he is going to have more say in the arrangements. I think it will be either "all in" or "all out", I fine with all out, but I know he wants them in his life. "Go along to get along" doesn't work all of the time, sometimes you gotta fight for what's right!
AHA, so that answers that question
So he DID finance significantly. Yeah, nope, that should NOT have happened and there is no excuse.
I would suggest separating finances, if you havent already. And do not contribute anything to he and his toxic brood. Go and make it known you refuse to be shunned, wear your bright smile and shine by his side. It sounds like he has (maybe) learned his lesson, but oftentimes these husbands just say what they know we want to hear to placate us, and then things go on in the same way they did previously. So, be on alert. These people have been doing things this way for a long time. Their relationships are set.
Welcome!
I honestly think your DH is really not that sorry.
Or else he is an oblivious idiot. He is playing with you by building up your emotions, "soothing" you, handing you empty apologies and making promises for the future, simply because right now there is no longer any risk to him.
When it mattered - at the wedding - he didn't stand up for you because he was more worried about keeping his own hide intact from the claws of his precious daughter and BM. That was more important to him - keeping himself from a fray, than breaking YOUR heart.
How in the world can he justify standing there for family photos with BM's boyfriend included BUT NOT YOU!?? He really wants you to think that it didn't cross his mind? That's bull. Why couldn't he have politely said, "Hold on a minute. I need to go get SCgirl for the family photo." and promptly walked out of the line up and brought you in? He KNEW it was wrong but he said nothing.
These family photos will be shared with others for generations and yet you were made invisible, he knew it and he let it happen anyway.
And to add injury to insult, it happened on YOUR dime too since he helped finance the wedding.
Remember that: He KNEW it was wrong but let it happen anyway. And now he knows that he can give you some flippant apology, do a little "heart to heart" and essentially get away with it all over again.
IMO that's an integrity issue - he has none.
Certain people
My first husband was like this. He tolerated bad behavior from an aunt of his. Why? Because she was nasty and a bitch and the family tolerated this behavior. It contributed to the breakup of my marriage. At one point she told me that I would only get garbage by adopting and if I wanted to bring myself down fine but she didn't want me to bring down her nephew. This was at a cocktail party and he said nothing. I walked off.
anyway the point I'm making is that many people tolerate this in many families and it just continues.
Your husband should be on notice now. It WILL affect his marriage if he turns a blind eye to it
Worries
This is my worry as well that my grown skids will leave me out of important times in their lives. I have addressed this with my husband who said if I was left out deliberately, he would not go or be present. But I'm not trusting of this due to many past slights. My husband's ex is very vengeful and has tried to ruin me in the past, too. Many hugs, and I am very sorry you had to go through this.
Why do so many give any value to POS toxic turd people?
Write them off and flush them to where they belong.
put it behind you but dont forget it
Weddings as a SM are the worst possible day ever. I will not go to any more sk weddings. even if i did get an invite.
Your DH probably never gave it a thought till you pointed it out. Trust he will learn from it. But protect your heart from the skids.