Update on SS
Well I've now moved into the adult step forum now,as of July SS has turned 18 and not much has changed.
He is still considered 10th grade in school since that's when his mom let him drop out...luckily though the social security he was getting from his father ends when he turns 19 so he had to be threatened with he won't be getting anymore of that cheese if he doesn't start producing,getting a GED and by some miracle a job.
But since his mother raised him with her slack,party mentality I don't see much hope for him. He's content just to sit and play video games and blast music all day,and maybe toke on some weed often...and when he's asked to do anything like schoolwork or look for a job he gets all out of sorts. And of course his mom would rather protect him and lash out at me instead of putting any pressure on her little king^
We've got our work cut out here.
In the meantime she expects
In the meantime she expects me to just sit back and be nice stepdaddy no matter what he does...nope sorry doesn't work like that. If he ever wants to get anywhere in life he needs someone,anyone to be on his heels. He's got no male influence now and pretty much just walks all over his mother and grandmother so unless his generation of girls are really into being used then he's also got no future in a relationship either. My worst fear is he'll end up like most guys around here,helpless and living with mommy his whole life.
Tortured Guy - personally I
Tortured Guy - personally I don't think the "we" have our work cut out is applicable. Your WIFE has her work cut out for her because in your shoes unless you want this to continue year after year, you may have to say unless you see improvements and ss has x time to achieve this then ss will be out of the house unless your wife wants to take on more financial responsibility for your home, bills to address the imbalance of you having to support her son. You did not agree nor are you to the continuing enablement of ss18 long term, and that is your right as DW's DH, and equal home owner of your shared property.
Make it crystal clear NOW you have a timeline and when the time comes and ss has not achieved graduation nor employment your wife can then support her son on her own or she can move him out. I would not be enabling her permissive parenting to continue either and that is down to you I am afraid.
strong boundaries are very
strong boundaries are very important. dont waver or give in.
Boundaries mean very little
Boundaries mean very little to her/them,I have had to give her multiple chances and she's only shown a shred of improvement...
Now he's going berzerk...over
Now he's going berzerk...over stupid video games^ If only he was as passionate about things that mattered in life.
I feel your pain. My dh has
I feel your pain. My dh has been enabling his drug addict 20 year old son for 3 years and I almost moved out this summer. He is now back in rehab (he's been twice before, but never finished). Unfortunately, it takes only one week before he comes home because he has nowhere else to go. Dh even let him be homeless for a week in another city before going to get him and give him another chance. One thing I DO know about dh is that he does set boundaries and show tough love which it doesn't appear your DW is capable of. Whenever his son is caught doing drugs, he kicks him out. Unfortunately, he then comes back claiming he's serious about getting clean and dh gets sucked back in. However, this time, I sense dh may not cave. He talked to SS20 the other night and sensed his son wasn't serious because all he did was complain because they don't allow smoking at the place he's at. I heard him mention "halfway house" which was music to my ears because I do NOT want this kid back in my house.
Anyway, about the only thing you CAN do is disengage...let your wife do what she will with her son or leave. My dh told me long ago that if I ever tried to come between him and his son, I would lose. He wasn't kidding. When I threatened to move out this summer, he basically said "there's the door". One thing I've learned as a stepparent is that I have no say, so if I want to stay married, I just have to stay out of it and keep my mouth shut (which is REALLY difficult). Luckily, only with dh's prodding and driving him to school did SS20 get his high school diploma. SS20 sounds like YOUR SS...no motivation and no ambition. Dh had told him if he didn't succeed in getting a good job at a factory or manage to KEEP it, he was going in the military...PERIOD because he wasn't supporting him any more. We had hoped that's what he would do this summer, but he got cold feet and chose not to. UGH I feel like nothing dh or I said to this kid mattered, so maybe the military could do something with him.
I know someone else with a SS22 who is the one who has to push her SS because her dh doesn't seem to be able. She would have left him had he not gone to family counseling. The counselor basically told HER to be the one to set the rules and do the pushing and her dh agreed to it! Sounds like that might work in YOUR case ONLY if your wife would agree to it. I know MY dh doesn't want his son living here forever either. My 4 DDs are all normal...went to college...have jobs...live in apartments, so this whole thing with SS20 is beyond my comprehension. I'm only staying because I do know dh won't let this go on forever. There WILL come a point and age where he will let his son go....and so...I wait.
Seriously...think about family counseling.
I guess mine isn't as bad as
I guess mine isn't as bad as far as the drug thing,though not only does she allow him to smoke pot in the house but actually encourages him and participates! Plus she lies and denies,which is another hit to what's left of this damaged relationship. On top of that she just expects me to act like nothing is going on and treat them nice...what? Such an insult to my intelligence here.
As far as his future,along with the pot thing all he does is sit and play videogames all day while he should be making up the schooling he dropped out of a couple years ago! He's got her convinced that he's just going to go out and grab a GED and a job...wake up hon it doesn't work that way! Employers are so stringent now they're barely taking grads much less dropouts!....
Best of luck. You can't
Best of luck. You can't change your spouse, so you either accept it or leave. Smoking pot with her kid?? I don't know how you're doing it. THAT would be a deal-breaker for me. How long have you been married and how old was your SS when you got married? I know my dh's ex lied in regards to their oldest son's drug use and criminal mischief which is why he divorced her and got custody of all 3 sons. And THAT was in 1997...when father's didn't GET custody. His ex is mentally ill...even did drugs with their oldest when dh sent him to live with her at age 19 after he got booted from the army for using drugs. He also is mentally ill and on government disability.
Anyway, I'm serious though. Counseling is definitely in order or you could be stuck with this kid forever. Do YOU try to get involved and push your SS?? My big thing was constantly having to tell SS20 to pick up after himself, etc...and I got sick of it. Dh knew I wasn't going to pick up after HIS kid. I did that for my own 4 for over 20 years and if HIS kid didn't pick up after himself, then HE was to do it and he didn't. Too much friction and too much fighting. How are YOU dealing with it all?
Since SS20 went to rehab, it is SO nice and peaceful at my house. I told dh I did NOT want him coming back here because it would be more of the same. Dh is visiting him right now and when he called this morning, dh said his son mentioned going to a halfway house after rehab. Praise the Lord!
As for treating SS20, my dh has been less than happy with the way I treat him...oh because I'd tell him CONSTANTLY to pick up after himself?? I told SS20 once he needed to move on because he and I lived 2 different ways. I'm a neat freak and he's a slob and it just wasn't working. When SS20 came home this time after using drugs and getting beaten up, it only took dh 24 hours for my dh to get sucked back into his son's BS and feel all sorry for him. He was here a week and I didn't speak to him or look at him and dh thought I was just terrible. WHATEVER. I told dh he's put is through this 4 times in 3 years and I was sick of it! I was sick of his son doing this to us...after 3 years of fully supporting his lazy a**, paying off his fines, putting a roof over his head and food in his belly. UGH
I remember one night SS20 coming home all excited because he'd gotten a job at a mall pizza place. Afterwards, I told dh no way because that was NOT a job he'd ever make enough to move out and be on his own. Dh agreed and let SS20 know that THAT wasn't gonna fly. Either a factory job or the military are seriously his only 2 options and dh told him so. So, instead of doing either of those things, he went back to drugs instead. geez It's like he just couldn't face the real world or something. Sure hope his therapists can figure him out.
Been married wow 8 years,even
Been married wow 8 years,even surprises me...ss was about 8 when we met and they were more normal back then,she worked and he went to school. Now it's like I have 2 teenagers^
We've discussed counseling but she knows I have a point so wants to try and stack the deck against me...
I can't get involved with him because since the beginning if I ever disapproved of anything he did she stepped in and acted like I was abusing him...since his family always spoiled him anything anyone said out of turn was abuse^
So last night just as I
So last night just as I suspected after I went to bed the little rat sneaks out of his room to join his mom in a round of pot smoking,which work me up and I had trouble getting back to sleep and I have to be up in the morning. I go out and come back and what are they doing again?...I surprised em and called em Cheech & Chong and said they're just getting worse.
I can't take this sneaky sht anymore,I've got to map a way out. Thing is in the past I let things die down and didn't leave them things were still hot. Now I've got to make some serious,long term decisions to blow this place and leave all my stress behind.