Step son destroying marriage

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Hi all,
My wife, two daughters, 11 & 14, and I were living very happily together. Step son asked to move in whilst he was saving to get a place on his own. His work is intermittent at best so I couldn't see where this was going. My wife asked him to pay $50 per week and to help around the house. In 3 months he has paid us about $200. He has barely done anything to help around the house. Everytime we ask he says he feels sick or sits on the toilet forever. He is 22 yo.
I find it very disrespectful that he won't pay rent OR help around the house. My wife and I don't like to ask him directly because he can be very moody and rude and I fear losing my cool. After a weekend of cleaning the front entrance of the house of his rubbish and overflowing ash trays I said to my wife I don't want smoking out the front anymore. She agreed and reiterated to him. He asked where we put the ash trays and promptly went out and smoked, leaving the ash tray out there! My wife said nothing. She doesn't want me saying anything. I feel like it's a slap across our faces and fury is growing inside me.
The straw that broke my back sounds very trivial. I was cooking a delicious dinner. My wife said the SS would be home for dinner. He's supposed to let us know earlier but I let that go. I said "great, can you get him to empty the inside bins and take the outside bins to the curb.
We all had a very nice dinner. My wife joined me in bed later and to my surprise told me that he didn't know where the bins went and he was feeling cold and sick so she did it for him. He wasn't sick, I watched him enjoying dinner.
I was furious. Didnt sleep at all. Had panic attacks.
I had a huge argument with my wife in the morning where she told me to leave. Im a disabled retiree and have nowhere to go. She threatened to leave with him and then she went to work. This is where I'm at.
Have I massively overreacted? I feel totally justified to be angry. In my book if you can't pay rent you do chores. Anything. Stack the dishwasher for God's sake, it's not hard! Is it my pain talking or does anyone think I have a right to be angry? I don't know. My wife will be home in a few hours and I guess it's make or break. Any constructive advice or opinions would be appreciated. Sorry I ramble a bit

Toxic adult aholes should be

Toxic adult aholes should be removed from your life.

You be the one to tell her to

You be the one to tell her to take couch barnacle boy and leave.

Also go ahead and lose your temper with this young man. It's exactly what he needs. Not only are you not in the wrong but they feel they can get their way because you are too worried about being "nice." Trust me, they worry about being "nice" far less than you do.

Throw up some boundaries, man. If she leaves, you'll be better off anyway cuz it would tell you a hundred percent the boy is never growing up and nothing will change but for the worse.

Your SS is a devious one,

Your SS is a devious one, isn't he? It is understandable that you are over-saturated and at your boiling point. I can guarantee he is not going to change as long as he is living on easy street. Confronting him will only give him the ammunition to go back to your wife for 'reinforcement'. SS will not get any more ambitious. He knows how to use people. He needs to go.

You are going to have to make the choice of living with this situation or risking the marriage for your sanity and happiness. Your wife is blackmailing you by threatening to leave. Tell DW her lazy son has to go and if she threatens to leave again she can go with him. Then get custody of your kids. Possibly go to a therapist to help with your concerns and gain the self-confidence to stand firm.

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your replies everyone! I let out a big sigh of relief after reading them.
You know I would have been happy with a daily token gesture. It wasnt about the reduction of work I had to do it was more about a sign of appreciation. I've been inspired to stand strong behind my principals and let be what will be. I hope my wife sees the light, things were humming along very sweetly before ss moved in.

A very very common error that

A very very common error that stepparents make is failing to communicate EFFECTIVELY with their step kids. Put things in writing so they are clear at a family meeting and do your due diligence as the older wiser parent to teach, hold to account, talk things over, set clear, very clear expectations and be CONSISTENT with those over time. Youth need very clear very specific rules and you must be very rigorous with how well you communicate At EVERY JUNCTURE then positively reinforce them when they do what you want, and confront them with loving kindness and firmness when they do NOT do what you want.( and add a consequence they ALREADY KNOW THEY WILL GET) . You are a teacher. If your message isn't getting across, you must work harder to be effective and consistent throughout with no MXED messages. Poor guy is caught in the middle of two opposite forces- mom and sdad. GIVE HIM A BREAK and look at how he is told 2 diff. things? Who wouldn't act out? I recommend books on effective communication. Also, learn about the developmental stage he is in so you have realistic expectations of him at this stage of his life.

A very very common error that

She is out of the house...

She is out of the house... call a locksmith and have the locks re-keyed. She made her choice. She chose her toxic adult prior relationship spawn over her husband. As a disabled retiree you hold some very strong trump cards regarding remaining in the home while your potentially XDW and her son find somewhere else to live.

If my bride made the call that yours has made... I would be positioning to end the relationship and preserve my assets.

Take care of you.

Spawn? Do you have any idea

Spawn? Do you have any idea what a disrespectful, immature, bitter attitude you project by name calling? Grow up. Maybe you are not mature enough to cope with the complexity of a blended family and your level of development is stuck at age 12 when we all called names. It takes a lot of hard work and effort to be a grown up and an appropriate role model for young minds.

How is spawn being

How is spawn being disrespectful? Spawn is another word for offspring. It's not like he called this disgusting pig of a moocher a twat dropping. Good lawd... Get off your high horse.

If you do not realize that

If you do not realize that spawn is a perjorative term- used mainly to describe CoHoSalmon who swim upstream to "spawn" which means to mate and lay eggs. Using a term that is intended to describe the eggs of a fish is, by any measure, demeaning and you know it. Human beings do not spawn their children- they give birth to live babies, not hatch eggs. What bothers you is being called out for using it. It reflects how you view the kids. What you want to hear is: You are right, and your step kids are wrong. Problem is, when you use that terminology, it reflects your attitude towards them- an attitude of disrespect. Our language is an expression of what we believe internally. Getting defensive about using demeaning terms only proves my point, that you know you are saying something demeaning.

My use of the word "spawn" is

My use of the word "spawn" is not necessarily a pejorative term. It is usually presented more as a colorful reference than with a degrading intent.... unless .... I precede it with a word along the lines of "toxic", "evil", "hell", "polluted" or some other descriptor.

I use the words "brood", "herd", "gaggle", etc... in a similar fashion.

Truth!

You have enough time to pack

You have enough time to pack a few bags for both, before your wife gets home. Call Law Enforcement for "keep the peace"; they will stand by, while your wife and son take their bags and leave. Then take it from there. You need to separate and take a break. Have the locks rekeyed. I did this.

I did this with my DH. I called for enforcement and had the escort him up the street to SD's house. We separated several weeks, for a cool down , absolutely no contact for these weeks, and now are working things out, without SD.

Seriously, it opens their eyes.

Since she offered to leave,

Since she offered to leave, let her.

Problem solved.

You and DW have let things go

You and DW have let things go so long that you became a pressure-cooker, ready to explode. Every household is what I term an "organic flow". Those who choose or wish to become a part of it must learn the flow, accept the flow, and join the flow.

As to solutions to your SS being a dirty, lazy, rude jerk, well I have seen several solutions over the time I have been here:
1. Get a written contract, that spells everything out, like expectations, with enforced consequences (Ive had this one suggested to me for my situation, but SO would probably get angry and then laugh at me. Consequences? What is THAT???)
2. Get him out pronto, and her as well. If she wants out, she deserves the jerk forever. Move on, and find a nice lady who will appreciate you.
3. Have a very deep, detailed discussion with your DW. She is at the root of things. She needs to back you up, and she needs to step up to the plate, and she needs to respect you and herself. Without that you are a sail without the wind.
4. His smoking and leaving ashtrays - well you have told him and told him and told him again. Throw his stuff in a bag and tell him to go. See what DW does when you "throw down the gauntlet". See what SS does when the "rubber hits the road", and he sees that things have gotten serious.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

It is my personal belief

It is my personal belief that, when push comes to shove, 99% of ALL bio parents will walk out on their new / 2nd /3rd spouse in a heartbeat, in favor of their kids ( BUT- if booze drugs gambling, $$ or cheating is involved- this will distort people's priorities and they will choose whomever will get them what they want ( money, shelter, sex). When judgement is impaired in those ways, people can't act rationally.
The love a parent has for a child is so profound and so biologically necessary for the survival of our species that it is a pretty difficult force to compete with. This is why there are SO MANY UNHAPPY step parents out there- they know they are always going to be second-always-and that will never ever ever change. It is the POWERLESS feelings that make stepparents so unhappy. And they don't have much power in reality, so their feelings are all valid.

According to

According to Psychologytoday.com, "Past statistics have shown that in the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce." Not quite 99%, but still something to think about. Many people get married again for convenience (money, shelter, sex), and when their comfort is threatened they will do what is good for them, not for the skids, not for the step parent. It does seem to depend on who is the breadwinner, who owns the home or who is better at sex. Since most couples both work, both incomes are needed to sustain their lifestyles. It is easier to maintain a home if two people are doing the work.

This was my experience when my DH was offered the choice of working on the marriage or leaving. In the first part of our marriage I had a terrible self-image and was a total doormat. Then I went to a therapist who helped me gain self-worth and the self confidence to place reasonable boundaries on SD and DH. I let DH know that marriage was not worth it if I had to continue to put up with verbal and emotional abuse. I knew in my heart that he chose to work on the marriage so he could continue to be financially and socially comfortable.

Now,I don't really know or care who is first with DH but I know who is first with me - and that's me. This is where the step parent has the power. I have the power to refuse to be around people who do not respect me. DH has learned that living in an environment of mutual respect is a heck of a lot easier than the alternative. If he had chosen to leave life would have gone on. I would have still tried to have a good life.

That is a bankrupt thesis.

That is a bankrupt thesis. Most stepparents, like most bio parents, are decent people. They DO want what is best for the children. It's rare to think a parent is going to have to say "I will walk out on you now because you did something terrible to my child." It's probably not much more common than bio parents splitting because one deems the other abusive to the kids. It may very well be less common.

People do get married for nefarious reasons or for reasons that simply wouldn't bear up under strong sunlight. But I believe what keeps the jillion dollar wedding industry alive is the great majority of couples who genuinely want everything from "True Love" to charmingly warm companionship. It's a primal human need to feel loved, to have sex, to have companionship and inspiration, to share life's burdens both emotional and physical/financial. It's extremely common for humans not to want to be alone or to face old age alone.

Very few stepparents who come to this board are ever actually asking for something unreasonable. They are typically unhappy because someone they genuinely love has a blind spot (or a few!) or because they need help learning to set boundaries for themselves. Yes, some do find out (or already knew) their marriages are weak or doomed. But that is usually because one or both partners can't get marriage right or even adulthood right. It is not because of some species survival need to house middle-aged offspring who smoke pot and play video games. No species needs that.

Do not underestimate the power of the connection between two adults who've married each other. Children in the normal course of events go off into the world and the parents are left with each other, not with the child. If the parent needs help, the spouse is the legal next of kin, not the adult child. When the adult child marries, their own spouse will be next of kin, not their parent.

There is no need to be ranking who is 1 or 2 or on down. There is the spousal relationship. There is the parent-child relationship. Two very different things. Like a radish is different from Thousand Island Dressing.

Let her go and 100% support

Let her go and 100% support and deal w/ss herself. Fun times for her.

I'm in another similar

I'm in another similar situation. I got remarried 3 years ago. I have no children myself but i have a ss now living with us. Was only to be for a year but now 3 years on he's still here and turning 30 next month. It's been 3 years of hell. Usual bone idle as paying little rent. He is supposed to be going by end of the year due to a change in his job but he has put so much stress on the marriage that I'm thinking it won't be the same anymore.
My wife has agreed behind my back to give him £2500 to help him get set up and i was furious when i found out. We have a joint account so if we split this will cost me £1250. I probably should go before he gets the money! Wish i had found this site before i got married or i would have remained single.
Cheers
Steve

Steve, Do not give him your

Steve, Do not give him your money. Inform DW the money is to come out of her pocket, you will be giving your to charity. Years ago one of my DH's family made a remark - they assumed all of the money I had worked hared to earn and save would be going to abusive SD if I died. I informed them that it would be going to charity, and I immediately made sure it did.

Also, most banks will make

Also, most banks will make arrangements that any withdrawal from your joint accounts can require BOTH parties presence or signature. It might be time for you to look into that at a minimum.

I'm 58. Married twice. Am i

I'm 58. Married twice. Am i too old to be single again or should i just stay and go mad every time this ss visits?

If you were widowed, you'd be

If you were widowed, you'd be single again....

You are not too old to be

You are not too old to be single again. And don't beat yourself up about being married twice. Many people are on their third marriages. If you would be happier being single than married in your current situation, then you should be single.

In my experience, there is

In my experience, there is nothing a parent HATES more than anything is to be criticized or judged for how they raise their kid. The unsolicited opinions of others, some of whom have no kids of their own to draw from, is like nails on a chalkboard to MOST parents. How a parent chooses to raise his kid is his and his kid's bio mom to determine. The BEST way to make waves, cause trouble, and alienate your spouse, is to critique his choices as a parent, to undermine his own best judgment and supplant it with their own judgment ( like a back-seat driver, very irritating indeed).
2nd and 3rd marriages have a monumentally high rate of failure....using common sense, this is due to the friction caused by the parent's methods of childrearing in conflict with the new spouses methods of parenting. For ex. the bio Dad allows kids to stay out on Saturday nights till 11 pm. But the 2nd or 3rd wife likes to go to bed at 10 pm, and doesn't want to stay up till 11 pm for the kid to come home before going to sleep. So the 2nd wife says : Gee, 11 pm is too late for a 16 yr old to be out! 9:30 pm is better, so I can see him when he gets home but before I go to bed. Husband now has conflict. Wants to please kid. Wants to please spouse. Cant please both. Can only make 1 happy 1 unhappy. Husband resents the back-seat driving new spouse is doing- she second guesses his choices/instinct as a parent. He doesn't like being second guessed. He retreats. She is angry. Kid is confused about curfew. No one gets what they want, because the dynamic is fundamentally flawed, and fundamentally broken. Divorce inevitable. Humans not intended to make a family and then break it up and patch it back together with broken shards, broken people. Failure is the outcome. Remarriage does not lead to good outcomes- people may endure it-but few actually really love their lives and can claim real contentment. Yet, hope springs eternal and we fall for illusions and delusions about 'love' 'family '...we have expectations that exceed reality...Let there be no Gods before ME!!!

"Divorce inevitable." "

"Divorce inevitable." " Failure is the outcome. Remarriage does not lead to good outcomes" I agree - pretty bleak! And in my opinion, not necessarily true. It all depends on one's definition of failure, my marriage is far from being a failure.

This second marriage has been more of a learning experience than anything else. The positive end of all of this is that I have learned that self-respect and mutual respect are the key to happiness. As far as I know, even though I disengaged from SD, both of us are happy with it. She can see her Father just about any time she wants and we don't have to put up with one another. We have a good marriage because DH and I have learned to respect each other. I consider this a success.

People who have not had

People who have not had children should not be allowed to resent anything. Who do they think they are?! When a stepchild calls you a 4 letter word or leaves used personal products strewn about the house or kicks, scratches and torments a younger sibling you had better suck it up cuz making any mention will disturb the parent's coronation as the most important adult in the house.

Or.

Wait a minute.

Second marriages are doomed because once a person has spawned, yes, spawned, they become unfit to live with another adult.

Could it be that many parents are the architects of their own doom in second marriages? Could it be that second marriages can be extremely happy? Gee, mine is.

The curfew example is, to be blunt, very silly. No marriage breaks up over a curfew. Non-parent just goes to bed, that's what happens. These marriages are actually breaking up over violence, filth, stealing, massive money drains, drugs, and other serious misbehaviors. Not curfews.

Beenthere-Hated it- What is

Beenthere-Hated it-
What is your story?

75% of all 3rd marriages end

75% of all 3rd marriages end in divorce.
65% of all 2nd marriages end in divorce.
50% of all first marriages end in divorce,

The pattern is that exactly half of all couples break up.
Those divorced people then marry for 2nd time.
The pattern is that exactly two-thirds of all second marriages end in divorce- or 15% more likely- or 65% chance of divorce as the outcome.
The pattern is that of third marriages, the failure rate increases again by another 10%, to 75%- or three-quarters of all 3rd marriages end in divorce.

"Them there's the facts ma'am " 50-65-75 is an upwards increase....your chance of getting a divorce during your third marriage is same as : 7 and a half couples out of ten will divorce- or 2 1/2 couples will stay together out of ten couples.
Extremely happily married folks usually do not come to a website like this.

All gloom and doom! On

All gloom and doom! On another post you wrote it was 90% until I pointed out the true facts. And you are still going on again about how unhappy the people on this site are. The real purpose of this site is to counteract the prejudice and small thinking where much of society has placed us, to help people succeed in second or third marriages to despite the statistics, and to ultimately gain understanding which leads to happiness. With the help of this site I was given the tools to help create a happy marriage and successfully deal with step issues. With the help of this site society may some day have a better understanding of step issues and statistics will change. Just wondering why you are wasting your time with all of us.

Mmmm I dunno about your last

Mmmm I dunno about your last line.

Even happily married folks can be dissatisfied about minor things.... personally I rather vent here and get feedback/validation than try to get it from SO and possibly get into it with him... some things aren't worth fighting about... and at least here, I can get it out without putting negativity in our relationship...

if it's negative enough, sure, I'll bring it up to him and we'll talk about whatever it is... we have decent communication... but at the same time... he knows how I feel about BM, it's not changing, there's no need to vent to him over and over again about it... when I can do it here... to people who can relate...and possibly give me more and better information than my SO ever could....given he's not in my shoes...

Just because I vent about stuff doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy with him.... I'm happy with him, not necessarily always happy about situations... I'd say it's more common than you think for a happily married person to come to a site like this to vent... especially if it keeps the peace in the relationship by not having it shoved down each others' throats all the time

I once read a stat that 2nd

I once read a stat that 2nd marriages WITHOUT children are actually happier and more likely to last than a 2nd marriage with children. Unfortunately the *without children* is not a part of the equation of our relationships, hence this board.

Some tough advise here but I

Some tough advise here but I have a little different take on this one.

Adult kids are especially challenging and the bio parent can feel like they have little ability to really affect any change. The worst thing the step parent can do is FIGHT with the bio parent about the shortcomings of the adult child. Why you ask? Because it allows the bio parent to focus their energy on their partner instead of the child!! Fighting with you is so much easier than addressing the issue of the rent, chores, work etc.

Even though the kid is living in your home repeat to yourself "not my circus, not my monkeys". Step away from the emotion of the kid's lack of respect and realize that it has NOTHING to do with you. Ask for nothing from him, limit your conversations with him, accept that the kid is at his very worst in life and it is not your responsibility to fix him. If mom wants to do his chores for him, let her. Do not engage with any fight with her about him or the chores or his comings and goings.

When this glaringly obvious mess of a son is out there all by himself, bio mom might realize the problem and get mad enough to do something about it. If that happens you should be supportive but LET HER HANDLE IT. I repeat - LET HER HANDLE IT.

Adding that I know this

Adding that I know this because I was the bio mom that was tolerating the mess of a son. As long as my husband would try to "fix" the problems with the kid I could focus on him instead of the son. Son skated on the problems and husband and I ended up in counseling. Therapist instructed my husband to "shut up" about the kid's problems and be a supportive force behind me as I dealt with the kid. Oh crap - that meant I had to deal with that kid!!!

You are lucky in the extreme

You are lucky in the extreme that your marriage survived this.

If my dh wants to move in a trainwreck adult child you bet I am going to have something to say about it. I will not have the Ghandi-like patience to live in that hell with my mouth shut so he can notice on his own. You should do something very, very nice for your husband to show your appreciation that he did have such preternatural patience.

LOL - luck had nothing to do

LOL - luck had nothing to do with it. Marriage takes hard work, tolerance, acceptance, and grace.

We also had a novel of problems with his bio kids (bi polar, schizophrenia, depression were the primary diagnoses
). I was only referring to my son and the issues we had with him because it was similar in relation to the OP.

Having something to say is one thing, getting involved and trying to fix it is another. I have often said my peace about a problem but then I try to it go.

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Step son destroying marriage