Here's the story: I have been with my SO for five years. I met him two years after his divorce. We dated casually, and after a few months I met his kids (gradually including me in some, but not all, of their activities during weekend visits.) After a year we moved in together (in my place) and have been in that status since. He has two kids, a boy and girl - now 22 and 20.

His ex asked for the divorce. She had entered into a relationship with a man ("Tom") and lied about the nature of it claiming it was just a "friendship." It was not. As soon as my SO was served with divorce papers she asked him to move out (easier on the kids), and she promptly moved Tom into the home where he still lives with them to this day. She also involved the two kids in this relationship before she even filed for divorce, to include his son getting driving lessons from Tom. She never worked outside the home so this all happened while my SO was at work. Speculation only, but I would imagine she had conversations with the kids about "not telling Dad" about Tom and believe this may be where the groundwork was laid with the kids for keeping Dad out of "their" business.

Because of the stress of the impending divorce and the toll it all took at that time, my SO wound up in the hospital with a life-threatening condition. Luckily, major surgery saved his life and he recovered - or else I would not have met him! So it is no stretch to say the awful situation at the time nearly killed him. And these two kids were aware of all this.

Which leads to the crux of the problem. These "adult" children have virtually no relationship with their father because they tell him absolutely nothing about their lives. When asked how things are going, the answers are monosyllable and it's like pulling teeth. They never, and I mean never, in all the years I have known him, have ever once called him up just to say hi or check in. The only exception is his daughter (now 20) when she has an expensive request she needs his finances for -then she will call him. In fairness, his son never asks for anything even when he really needs it. Shows the difference in siblings ...

We invite them over for dinner several times a month and they usually accept. But when they come over, they really don't say anything. I have always made it a point over the years that my SO spends alone time with both of them, without me around, and it has included dinners out together, activities together, and taking vacations alone with each of them. But even during these trips, they have virtually nothing to say to him.

It goes without saying that my SO is heartbroken over this. It upsets him terribly when he listens to other parents talk about their kids (including the divorced ones) and even if they talk about disagreements, etc. I think he feels envious. He knows nothing about his kids other than what they are studying in college.

I had hoped some of this was just typical teenage treatment and they would start to grow out of it. I encouraged him to be patient, and keep reaching out to them - which he has done. But it hasn't gotten any better.

I know he is not a perfect parent, since there is no such thing, but I also know he never did anything to either of those kids to be shut out in such a way. He is a kind man, a very intelligent man, and has always been a steady provider for them. He does not force his opinions on his kids or lecture them. He rarely even raises his voice. His passivity may be part of the problem, because he does not like conflict and therefore is afraid to even discuss this with his kids.

The difficult thing for me is to keep my mouth shut - which I have done - because it is so hard to see someone you love being hurt so badly. I came from a divorced home myself, and I admit I have tried to advise him on some of the standard pitfalls when it comes to kids of divorce. However, even though my parents' divorce was very difficult, I never treated my father the way these two treat him - as though his role as their father is completely irrelevant. I think my SO is right to feel heartbroken as he did absolutely nothing to deserve this treatment. Add in the fact that he nearly died a few years ago, and you would think these kids would be grateful for every minute they have with him. But they aren't.

IMO, his ex set the stage by beginning a campaign to exclude my SO from their lives once she found Tom. Since the kids were probably coached to lie and cover up about Tom being around, I am afraid this attitude is permanently etched into their relationship with their father. They are now young adults who still don't want to tell their father anything about their lives or show any interest in reaching out to him.

As for me, I have a polite "relationship" with them. I've always welcomed them, remembered birthdays, attended graduations, etc. I try to engage them in conversation, too, but they say very little to me. We have never spoken harsh words to each other, nor have we ever spoken anything particularly kind - polite strangers is the best way I can describe it. In fact, after all this time they don't even know what my last name is. So I really can't reach out to them and tell them how hurtful their attitude is towards their father. Nor would they be interested in hearing it from me, anyway. I have no children of my own, so that's a big strike against me.

I guess my question is what do you do when the problem is silence? I know many on these boards would probably welcome silence compared to what they go through! But when you really want to encourage a better relationship and get nothing in return - what can you do??