Should I marry him?
Hello, I'm new to the site and could really use some advice. There seems to be a lot of experience here. I'd appreciate any advice that is offered.
I'm a 35 y/o never married, childless woman. After many years of painful relationships, I finally found a wonderful man. Here's the problem...My fiance is a 52 y/o divorcee w/ 3 daughters aged 20-27 and 6 g-kids. All of the g-kids were born outside of marriage & each of the daughters is financially dependent on my fiance. He provides housing to them, purchased their cars, car insurance, cell phones, and pays bills when they cannot pay. He resolves day-to-day issues for them such as car issues & problems around the house because they cannot pay for themselves. He says that he's working to get them to be more independent & wants them to have better lives. He feels personally responsible for the g-kids' well-being. Before meeting me, he invested little of his earnings on himself. Most of his dollars and free-time were devoted to his daughters' families. He says that he sees no other way b/c his children have little means to support themselves.
2 of the daughters dropped out of college & work part-time jobs in btwn babies. The youngest has no children, no job, and is fluncking community college. He says they have no mental disabilities to explain their behavior. This is just the way they are for some reason. He's very defensive and embarrassed about their choices, so it's difficult for us to discuss the issue. Also, they are perfectly respectful and in no way bad people beyond their choices.
Both my fiance and I are hard-working, professionals who worked our way thru life. I am not a kiddie person and have no kids of my own. After a hard work wk, the idea of carting 6 young kids around town is not my idea of a good day. While I try not to judge, my fiance's family does not share my values & interests. I have nothing in common w/ them and sadly, I have no desire to be around them given the sad state of their lives. I have tried to limit my exposure to them thereby avoiding the problem, but my fiance says that we cannot marry unless I begin to spend regular time w/ his g-kids. It's true that the kids did not ask to be in the situation and I feel bad for them. They are precious kids (btw), but I didn't choose to bring them into the world. I've had to work so hard in life, is it so wrong to want my own happiness now?
To be honest, I resent the situation and the constant intrusion of their constant drama into our lives. I also resent the way my fiance has been used by his family and basically, I just hate to baby-sit.
This issue is a constant barrier in our relationship and our only real problem. I feel that he constantly prioritizes them over me. I'm afraid that I will never be happy in a marriage where the husband prioritizes grown daughters over his wife. I truly feel for their situation, but I don't want to give up my happiness to help them.
What should I do? Stay or go? He's a good man. I can't see myself w/ anyone else, but I can't figure out how to handle this situation. Am I just a selfish person?
In a nutshell...NO, you
In a nutshell...NO, you should not marry him (well...you did ask
It's a strain on your relationship now, why on earth would you think it's going to be any better once you're married? Trust me, it will only get worse. You will get married, and you will expect things to be different, and they won't be...it will just be more frustrating and his family will resent you. What's the hurry to get married? Why not continue dating and see if it improves? If he says he has a goal to make them more independent, then have him name a date and say I will have such-and-such accomplished by this date in regards to my kids. See if he does.
I know you didn't ask advice on this part, but the age difference is seriously going to come into play at some point. I am seeing this happen currently with my best friend after 9 years of marriage. It's really very sad. They had good intentions and loved each very much (still do), but they are essentially roommates any more. My friend is in her 40's and her husband has multiple health issues due to his age, and they are not even close to being on the same page anymore. 35 - 52 isn't a huge difference now, but the effect is cumulative once you're 52 and he is 70, it will be huge.
NO.
NO.
Echo clearly gives it
Echo clearly gives it straight..no chaser. Thank you
wow...I did ask for honesty,
wow...I did ask for honesty, but I'd hoped the advice would be different. Outside of the kids, this has been the best relationship I've experience in my life. Yes, the age difference was a huge obstacle for me at first, but you can't help who you love. You both make good points that problems that exist today are likely to persist after marriage. I guess I know this deep down, but needed some else to say it.
KirbyKat, we tried the whole timeline thing. By the 1st of this yr, he was supposed to end all support w/ the exception of paying off their houses (the houses really aren't worth much, but htis money would have been helpful to our lives). We both agreed that they are all grown and would be ok. At then end of last yr, he found out the following:
- the youngest received her grades from 1st semester in school & learned she flunked her classes. She apparently told him that she was depressed and felt worthless.
- the middle daughter became pregnant (for the 3rd time)
- the oldest couldn't pay her water bill & ended up living for an unknown period of time w/ 3 small kids & no running water.
I figured maybe they really can't take care of themselves, but at that point had a lot of time and emotion invested in the relationship. I just don't know what to make of them. I don't know if they have a mental problem or if they're just lazy.
No, way. If you think that
No, way. If you think that you resent them now, just wait until you are married. :jawdrop:
He is completely enabling
He is completely enabling them. They will always be the losers they are now if he continues to support them being losers. He is literally making them into the losers they are.
Reminds me of my 30 year old bil-still lives with mommy and daddy. Wont get a real job because he'd have to quit smoking his daily weed. MIL and FIL are all about "helping" him as that that is what family is to them. But they are not helping him. He has lived with them for years, does not even seek outside employment, and smokes pot everyday. They are just helping him be a loser. Sadly, he has a dd that that lives there as well. She does without so much because her mamaw and papaw help her daddy be a loser instead of making him grow up and be a man.
I tend to agree. People like
I tend to agree. People like my fiance spoil their kids b/c they want them to have better than they had growing up. They don't understand that hard work is what made them who they are. Spoiled kids tend to become pretty pathetic adults.
Leave...do not marry him. It
Leave...do not marry him. It will never get any better.
Oh hon...pls spare
Oh hon...pls spare yourself...three adult sd's.....HELL, right there,
If my bf and I break-up I will never EVER date a man w/a daughter again, no joke. Trifling mini-wives and their sick obsession with their dads and entitled bitch princess attitudes. I bet my sd will be a gem when she gets older (BARF).
You have a full life ahead...dont' ruin it by being in this situation.
Thanks everyone...it's not
Thanks everyone...it's not what I wanted to hear, but the message is consistent & clear. I guess I'm just ready for that fairy tale ending.
Sweetheart, you don't have to
Sweetheart, you don't have to end your relationship with him, but I highly recommend against marriage. I'm glad you did the timeline thing, and as you see, it didn't work. It won't work when you're married either, because it will always be SOMETHING that makes him give in to them. They will always have a good reason to need his help because they are losers, and that doesn't sound like it's going to change anytime soon.
Keep dating him, but on YOUR terms. Don't get involved in the family issues. Tell him you don't even want to discuss them.
I apologise if I overstepped the mark with the age issue. Sometimes it's just so more obvious to someone who's not emotionally invovled you know?
Kirby, I have to be honest.
Kirby, I have to be honest. I'm really, ready to settle down I don't want to spend my prime in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. If he and I decide that we can't resolve this, we have to stop dating so that I can have a chance of meeting Mr. Right. He deserves to be with someone too. If I'm not it, I'd still want him to be happy. If I were 20, I time wouldn't be an issue, but I'm 35 and I've been w/ him for 1.5 yrs. I don't want to rush an important decision, but I also don't want to waste precious time in a losing endeavor. Life's too short.
And no, you didn't over step. I appreciated the objective advice. My family & friends know & love him and are probably hesitant to butt in.
LaToya, you sound like a
LaToya, you sound like a wonderful woman with a good head on your shoulders. There is someone out there for you that makes more sense, and at 35 you still have plenty of time!!
LaToya....there is a fair
LaToya....there is a fair tale ending somewhere-but never with a man with entitle mini-wife entitled lazy loser daughters (3!)
You guys are so honest on
You guys are so honest on this board. I can't believe the word "loser" came to mind" so much for some. I've thought it myself, but never wanted to hurt feelings. I couldn't figure out if they're lazy or just not very smart. It's nice to have an honest covnersation w/ someone about this whole thing.
LOL a lot of people on this
LOL a lot of people on this board have been through so much we're beyond worrying about hurt feelings. Honestly, don't do it. I almost settled for someone. I changed my mind last minute and 2 years later I met the person I'm supposed to be with. Don't put up with that BS his kids need to take care of themselves and it's definitely not your responsibility to "shape" his grandkids and help them choose a different path. That's their parents' responsibility. Think about what you want and make that the priority.
You may be right GMom. An
You may be right GMom. An engagement should be the happiest time, but the past months have been miserable for me. In part, it's b/c I have a persistent feeling that this may not be right. I just wasn't sure if it is my typical non-committal self or a true insurmountable problem. All relationships take work...so I'm told.
Work is one thing but hard
Work is one thing but hard labor with no chance of parole only to work your way into the poor house is something else all together. Girl, it sounds like you've got your act together...don't take it apart for anyone. I've learned the hard way that it takes so much more than love to make a successful marriage...you must be aligned in priorities and values and have a similar vision of how you want to live your lives. This man sounds like a really nice guy who will give his last dime to the clan of losers out of true unconditional love. That's admirable but is that where you want your days and life's work to end up?
Take heed of my signature by line...please....
Yep Double, he's a great guy
Yep Double, he's a great guy and that's what makes it so hard. He was there for me when I had surgery early in our relationship, he has embraced my family, and he's always been there when I've needed someone. He has a kind heart and unfortunately, that's also his problem. At the end of the day, I love him very much and I want the best for him. He's hurting himself as much as he's hurting our relationship, but unfortunately, he'll never abandon his daughters...no matter what they do. I guess I have a lot to think about.
You know Mustang, I wondered
You know Mustang, I wondered about the same thing. I was thinking..do we have to fund the g-kids as well?...put them thru college?...buy them homes too?. He seems to think that if I were more involved in their lives, the g-kids would have a better influence and may choose a different path. That seems like a lot of responsibility to place on my shoulders. What if I want a family of my own? He's just grabbing at straws at this point
It's not your responsibility
It's not your responsibility to shape how his g-kids turn out! Sorry, that that sounds like him trying to take some of the responsibility off his own shoulders.
Dont do it, I know you feel
Dont do it, I know you feel like life is passing you by and he is a nice guy that you finally found and you just want to take it! DO NOT SETTLE ...I think that is what you are doing, and mabey you think because he is older he is suppose to enjoy your "youngness" but how can he be your sugar daddy if he is supporting three girls and thier kids already?
I know you say you love him, and true it may be a while before you find someone else you consider good enough for you, But you will find yourself surrounded by little kids, and you have not been pregnant at all!
Do you want kids? But to tell the truth at 35 the chances of you finding someone without kids around your age or older are extremely slim..... 9 times out of 10 you WILL end up with someone with kids
I'm not sure that I
I'm not sure that I definitely want kids, but I do want the option. He's always said that he's open to having another child b/c he understands that I may want one, but the decision is totally up to me. I expressed to him once that something about this situation w/ his kids makes me feel like it blocks some of my opportunities to have a child w/ him (especially when the last 1 had a baby this summer). He seemed to understand, but nothing changed. It kinda feels like they're taking something that belongs to me by having babies and allowing my man to pay for them. I can't say that I'd be willing to have a child w/ him as long as he's still fully funding all of these people. I can't see my child getting the attention and security that he/she would deserve from both parents in this situation. I can also see myself greatly resenting his kids if their behavior impacts my choices concenring children. It's something to think about.
That's a good point. It does
That's a good point. It does seem to be about compromise, but I think he feels that he could let go of anything else, but he can't sit by and watch his kids & g-kids suffer. I don't know the answer to that one. Plenty of people have jobs & support themselves, but he says that they can't work as much b/c they have kids. It's very circular logic in their favor. They need $s b/c they have kids, but they can't work b/c they have kids, so they need his $s.
We tried a few sessions w/ a counselor who basically told him what 1 of the other posters said about enabling his children. She even described it as a type of "private welfare". After a few more sessions, he asked her if she had kids. She said no. He basically invalidated what she said b/c she had no kids. I told him that lots of people who have kids would never agree to support them as adults and offered that we could find another counselor w/ kids if that would make him more willing to accept the advice. I also said that I was not willing to look for another counselor and he'd have to put forth the effort for a replacement. We haven't moved further.
Yep, Mustang that story
Yep, Mustang that story sounds familiar. Everyone advises to go to therapy, but no one has explained exactly how therapy solves the problem. It only seems to help in defining the problem...go figure.
Therapy can help IF he is
Therapy can help IF he is open to learning that his version of "help" is not help at all. He also has to be willing to be involved as a parent in a completely different way (e.g. Helping his daughters be self sufficient, etc). I went thru this with my ex and it helped him. He had a really good counselor and he genuinely wanted to be a good father. But he was parenting a teen and not adults. However, your man is sooo far down the track with these adults he's enabling and the sheer power of numbers makes me very skeptical that he could change even if he wanted to.
Goforit, I think you've
Goforit, I think you've painted a pretty good pic of how things would go b/c it's exactly how it happens today. He can't change is kids. He can only change himself & I have to accept that as long as he's willing to fund their lifestyles, they'll continued to require him to do so.
Out of curiosity, did you have similar issues w/ your stepkids?
Thx for sharing you story. I
Thx for sharing you story. I agree that knowing that your husband prioritizes you above all others certainly reduces the impact of the petty things your stepkids are doing.
In my case, while the happiness that I feel when I'm w/ him is important, it just doesn't reduce my need to know that I'm my husband's #1 concern. No matter what he says, his actions reflect his true priorities. I think he chooses to do for those who need the most. Given their mentality, unless I were to fall & break my head, my needs will never exceed theirs. Oh well, thx for sharing.