Should I just give up now?
I'm another newbie, so please forgive the lack of abbreviation knowledge and mistakes.
I've been with my partner for 18 years. He has a BS 27 and BD 25. They don't have a close relationship with their BM but are close to their BF. I have a BD 26 & BS 25 and have great relationships with them. Last year my partner sold his house and moved in with me. His BD & her SO moved in too. My kids are both living in their own homes.
Over the years I've felt tolerated but not wanted by my partners kids. I've been there only as Dads girlfriend, definately not as a SM. It's been a hard slog tbh and I've had to grow a thick skin and put up with some horrible behaviour. I knew loud and clear that they didn't want me about. Their attitude let me know that they did not like or accept me. At times I felt I'd failed, that I must be an awful person, a bad step parent and generally unlikeable and that's why they didn't like me. I tried to let it not get to me but it hurt being rejected repeatedly.
Last year, at the request of my partner, I helped him redecorated his house ready to put it on the market to sell with the intension of us living together properly. Until now we'd flitted between homes making it work until the kids were grown. His BD & SO lived in this house at that time and said they'd like to move with us. However the selling process was a nightmare, with dreadful obstructive and disrespectful behaviour from his BD. Think super stroppy teen. My partner sadly pussy foots around conflict with her as knows how verbally attacking she can be when cornered. By the time they moved in I was worried.
So six months go by and his BD strops if she's asked to do anything, is disrespectful / inconsiderate. Tends to lie and be secretive, telling you what she thinks you want to hear. And whilst it's been difficult at times I felt we'd got so much closer and had lots of good times and had bonded. I get on well with her SO who is a lovely man (25).
My partner and I are now in the process of selling my house to buy one together. SD kicks off. Anger at the inconvienence of it all. Belligerent strops. Last week I mentioned to a friend that SD was finding us selling up difficult. Friend told me why did I worry, as SD says such foul things about me to everyone she knows and has for the longest time. I'm devastated. After so many years I felt I'd got somewhere, but what a waste of my energy it's all been. I spoke to my BS about it, as he and his SS have friends in common, and he confirmed it was true. So I'm currently sitting on this knowledge. What do I do? Confront her, or just accept that I'm done trying to create a happy blended family 
Next time she's nasty, call
Next time she's nasty, call her out on it and tell her to find herself a grown up home because you are damned if she is EVER living in your home again. She can go pack her bags. This is YOUR home.
Make sure your SO knows and respects this boundary well in advance and make sure he understands that it's not, repeat not, negotiable. If he havers about it, stop the sale and have all three of them evicted. You love him and it stops there. You did not sign up to pave the way for his adult kids. It's his choice, he either wants an adult life or he wants to be daddy for the rest of his life. No middle ground or temporary situations.
Disengagement is your friend...your only true friend
Im sorry that this has been happening for so long. There are many things going on here, much to unpack. but first - Welcome to Steptalk!
1. Take a little time to grieve the relationship you thought you had. Its hard, I know this.
2. Disengage from SD emotionally and completely. Shes old enough to know and do better, there is nothing for you to work with at all, its a complete loss for you.
3. Discuss this with partner. Ask him why he has allowed her to treat you thusly. Do you charge Sd and her so rent? Discuss her and her so moving out. You do NOT need to continue sacrifcing yourself on the altar of his failed progeny.
4. Do NOT allow her space in your life or home for the future. And I am non-confrontational, but I would calmly tell SD her crap behavior and crap treatment of you has caused you to want her to live somewhere else.
Do not sell your house until your SO agrees that his daughter
Do not sell your house until your SO agrees that his daughter will not be living with you. Do not buy a house with him until he agrees that none of his kids will be living with you ever again. Disengage from his daughter. There is no reason for you to have any kind of a relationship with her. SO can see her outside of your home, but you do not need to see her.
THIS a hundred times over!!!!
THIS a hundred times over!!!!! There is no good reason to let any of the kids live with you. They are grown. Time to focus on making the rest of your life easy and drama free. You have done your time parenting and it time to move in to next phase of your life. If he can't let go and move forward then date him but don't move in together. She will ruin your lives.
A Million times over!!
OP, do NOT make a horrible mistake and buy a home with your partner. DO. NOT.
You are in a situation which will not change. Your partner has shown he will not stand up to his daughter. That will NOT change, no matter how old she is. There are people here on STalk who have stepdaughter problems and these stepdaughters are in their 60s!!
You are entering a "last-chance" phase of life when it comes to real estate. You cannot afford to make mistakes as you don't have a lifetime to try and recover from it. PLEASE keep your own house. Rent it out if you must but do not sell it and do not co-mingle your assets with your partner. This is also important from an estate/inheritance perspective. If, God forbid, you die before your partner there is a very good chance his kids will wind up getting your share of the house and your kids will be left out or else will have a legal battle on their hands.
Oh, and if you think your partner caves in to his daughter now, just wait until she pops out her first kid. He will NEVER say no to another thing stepdaughter demands of him, because he will be doing it "for his grandchild."
tell him firmly that if/when
tell him firmly that if/when you sell YOUR house his children will be completely out of the nest. If he wants to live with you, she and her DH will not be moving too. They are old enough to take care of themselves.
Get em' (the adult SKIDs that
Get em' (the adult SKIDs that is) out- you don't need to be supporting adults who treat you this way.
Whatever you do, make it so
Whatever you do, make it so you don't live with this 25-year-old with the personality of a bratty tween. Yes, you can give up. On her. She is old enough to live by her own choices. If your DH would rather live with his 25-year-old daughter and her boyfriend than have a happy home with you, give up on him, too. You don't mention any reaction at all on his part to her treatment of you.
First of all
Two woman can't share a kitchen. Expecally SD... SD can not move in with you.'.... NO if and or buts...once in She will never move out. ...Free is free ..And will keep on playing the control game... You must have a clear.. in writing discussion with your SO ..That SD or any Children are allowed to move in. And he must sing it. Memory get foggy in two weeks. Do this before you sell your home and get involved in another home with your SO. He may not go for it. So you need a backup plan. Like keeping your home .. this could be slipply. Because down the road..SD will want because of a bad x ..Move in with you again.., Free is free.
Theh get that loser out of your head by disengaging from her. Like she doesn't exist ...
Save yourself from this idiot and his shallow gene pool.
Do not sell your house and throw in together on a home with this idiot parent. He has created this POS spawn. If her SO is actually the good person you believe him to be, he will not be around for long. When he leaves as he most likely invariably will, I forcast that SD will become even more of an intollerable POS.
This shit storm is not your fault. Though tolerating the person who created it is your choice. STOP THAT!
It is YOUR house. Make sure they all three of them (SO, Spawn, and spawns mate) have that loud and clear. Also make sure they understand that the presence of any of them is second by second based on their behavior. One shit explosion and that person is gone immediately. The presence of your SO should be the most tenuous. Hold him accountable for his own behaviors as well as for the behaviors of the shit spawn he raised.
Set the standards of behavior and performance for anyone in YOUR home and YOUR life and enforce those standards as brutally as is necessary to hold them accountable.
Better yet, do not waste your time and resources on him or on his shit spawn. Better that you date SD's mate who seems to be a decent person. Unlike the other two.
Now, that would be poetic justice and way too much fun!!!
Please take care of you. There is zero need to take on this kind of garbage in your life. You have resources and you are a caring person. Find a true equity partner to make a life with. Someone who is worthy of you. Rather than this proven unworthy individual and his unworthy gene pool.
Welcome by the way. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful perspective from others who are navigating the blended family adventure.
Good luck.
I'm In Agreement....DO NOT SELL YOUR HOME
You've been with this guy for 18 years, both keeping your homes. I'm assuming your mortgage is way into it's life, meaning you have a lot of equity in your home. You have a partner who forces you to tolerate his ADULT 25 year old daughter's hateful behaviors towards you, even after all these years. Do you seriously think he's going to change when you two buy a house together????
If you are not under contract, I strongly suggest you pull the listing at least until you can discuss what the future "joint" home will look like. As it is now, you really have the power...it's YOUR home. Once you are a joint owner with your SO, he has just as much say and doesn not have to agree with you on who lives there. PLEASE! Stop and think about the situation before you sell your home and invest YOUR equity into a home you will only own half of and be subjected to your SO's "pathetic parenting skills" with no power.
Please...do some serious thinking and meditating. If you think his daughter is giving you crap now, what's it going to be like in a home her dad owns half of????
^^^^^ EXACTLY
^^^^^ EXACTLY
Keep your home. Do NOT sell
Keep your home. Do NOT sell it. I'd seriously consider whether or not you should stay in this relationship. The SD needs to go and NOW! How dare she talk badly about you while she lives under your roof and I'm assuming rent free? She's a grown woman and is acting like a little brat. She can be a little brat in her own place. Time to ask her to leave. Then serve her an eviction notice. If Daddy doesn't like it he can go with her.
It is past time for his BD
It is past time for his BD and her SO to find a place of their own. Period.
I would not buy a new house until they are out.
I once heard a saying: the
I once heard a saying: the Chinese symbol for misery is two women under one roof.
Owning your own house is the best thing ever.