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Should DH still have contact with BM once their children are adults?

MineAndYours's picture

Just looking for opinions. I realize that at events and functions of the child there will most likely be contact and I'm ok with that. But for everyday life events..is there a need? I mean shouldn't the "adult child" be able to ask for/communicate what they want/need?

I'm not in that situation as of yet but it's getting close. My first instinct is to say that there should be no contact...what do you all think?

Merry's picture

No contact, except of course in case of an emergency or health issue of the adult child. If I never hear from my ex again, I will be happy. Same with DH.

There is just no need.

hereiam's picture

No, there is no need.

My DH did not communicate with BM much at all once SD was a teenager. When SD hit 18 and got married, which ended child support, DH was done with BM and I do mean done. But she is a major bitch, so....

BM once told DH that they were bonded forever and that she would always be in his life (SD was about 12 at the time). DH told her that once CS was done, so were they; he would never need to speak to her again.

She called a couple of years after SD married and DH told her, "I have nothing to say to you." She got pissed and hung up and has never called again.

DH won't talk to her and he won't be anywhere that she is, if he can help it.

Shaman29's picture

No reason in the world for these two to communicate after the kids are adults and/or graduated from HS.

There will be times when they will speak.....emergencies, graduations, weddings, etc.

But on a daily, weekly, monthly basis?

No. Nao. Nomoa. Nein. Non. Nyet. Nae. Nei. Neen.

z3girl's picture

I would say there is no need, but apparently my DH doesn't agree.

My SD is now 24, and BM still texts DH for emotional support regarding SD24. I've told him that there should be no reason for her to contact him, but he told me he will not block her in case there is an emergency. He also doesn't find fault with her contacting him for support, and claims to ignore her most of the time, or give short answers like "SD's an adult, not my problem". I personally think DH enjoys witnessing drama between SD and BM since they always go to him during their fights.

It has kind of bitten DH in the butt though. BM contacted DH for help regarding SD24's legal troubles, and DH told BM SD24 can rot in jail. BM forwarded the message to SD24, so now SD24 isn't talking to DH. I don't think DH would have put it so bluntly if BM wasn't involved. Oh well.

If DH and I were to split and our kids were grown, I know I would not contact DH the way BM does. We're married and I don't discuss some of the crap BM still does.

Heaven help us if there's a wedding to deal with soon. High school and college graduations were bad enough. Thank goodness SD24 is going to grad school on the other side of the country and DH will not attend that graduation if and when that happens.

justanothergurlNJ's picture

I tell SO all the time BM will be calling him to tell him what color poop the Grand baby made that day! But NO I don't think BM and DH/SO need to have contact, it should becomes less and less and the kids get older. Really a 14-15-16 year old can relay info about events, schools what they need and want.

Rags's picture

No need. Once SS-23 (Now my spawn with me as his father on his birth certificate and all) turned 18 we have had zero contact of any kind with the Sperm Clan.

If something fatal happened to my son we would of course contact them, after the funeral, to let them know... maybe. The next time I see any of them will likely be when I show up at Sperm GrandHag's funeral to piss on her coffin as they lower it into her hole.

We did not plan on no contact after our son aged out from under the CO. It just turned out that way. My son still interfaces with his three younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas and he does stay with the Hag and his Sperm Idiot but each time he has visited since turning 18 he leaves early and without telling he has left because they piss him off so much. He gives them another chance about a year or so later with the same result.

A shallow and polluted gene pool is a shallow and polluted gene pool until some quality is injected into it and in the case of the Sperm Clan that came in the form of statutory rape of my bride to create the kid who fortunately dodged the bullet of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. Sadly the three younger half sibs got the full toxic gene pool dose.

robin333's picture

No, no and hell no. Only exception: life threatening emergency.

My DH has adult children now. It took DH hearing me talk about a communication from someone I dated before him to realize how inappropriate text/emails are when there are no "children" involved. It was his Aha moment and inappropriate communication issues resolved.

ldvilen's picture

Not to start anything, but why? This is more of a curiosity question I have. The reason I ask is that “she is the mother of his children” can be used as justification for just about anything. Some people would argue, and probably make a good argument for, if a man’s wife and his ex- were in a boat, and he could only save one, he should save his ex- since she is the mother of his children.

And, I know a lot of times at weddings, this is the main excuse to justify relegating SMs to the back row of shame, so to speak. SM not allowed to be in any pictures or it is expected that her husband walk his ex- down the aisle, no permissions needed even from DH, since she is the mother of his children, etc. All this occurring while his wife, of many years, is supposed to sit in a dark corner somewhere and “mind her place.” Is this something we all just accept? I don't think so, but maybe others do.

hatesteplife's picture

My DH's ex used to make up drama just to call and text him. For example, SD23 just broke up with her boyfriend and she's so distressed (this text at 2am). Or SD23 was talking to her girlfriend about BOTOX!
I mean, who gives a shit? He used to be worried about emergencies, but has blocked her phone number so she can't bother him with her absurd BS. A lot of exes are drama queens like my DH's, and can't move on and can't stand to be forgotten. If it was normal important stuff, that's one thing, but just because she can't let him go is something else.

furkidsforme's picture

I never ever ever ever thought my DH would DARE cut communication with our volatile BM. He always swore he only held contact to "keep the peace". But the last SKid turned 18 this past year, and he has not spoken to her since.

We had one big blow up when I found out that they went looking at colleges together. It was a day trip, and I was more angry that he tried (and failed) to keep it secret than I was that it happened.

sandye21's picture

Tell DH you think it is great that he is in contact with BM so he can give her support. "And by the way, I'm renewing contact with my ex because I need his support while you continue communications with BM."

robin333's picture

It most certainly worked for me. I just had to have him overhear me mentioning it to someone else.

Cocoa's picture

nope, not unless medical emergency. I had to finally stipulate that no, going to jail is NOT an emergency. ss19 is constantly in trouble. bm sniffing around trying to get dh to bail him out. so I told dh that if he contacted bm one more time about ss19 I would divorce him. yes, dh did a lot of contact himself because of his control issues. so, it's been 5 months of no contact regarding ss19 and he's skipped probation and failed to appear and ran to bm's home state (at bm's urging). but they only communicate through family wizard regarding ss14 now (and I had to insist upon that). one thing is for sure, I am sleeping much better at night now.

still learning's picture

I'm in contact with exH about once a week because I'm trying to get my 19yr old kidult to launch from the couch. Kidult does not answer the home phone and lets his minutes run out so I have to call exH's phone to talk to him. ds19 chose to live with exH because exH let him do whatever he wanted. Until ds launches, or does ANYTHING with his life (gets a job) I'm going to harass him and exH.

Not sure how well this is going to go though, exH is now dating a woman with a grown 22yr old girl kidult who has never held a job. 22yr old kidult asked her mother for money to get her nails done. Between exH and his new gf they will have a nice little nuclear family of leechers. 19 and 22 both asking mommy and daddy for money. Not how I want my kid to live , so until the launch exH will be hearing from me regularly.

callmedone's picture

Oh HELL NO. All my SKids are in their 50's and BM still attempts to meddle in our lives. We've literally been under siege for at least five years with her sneaky, deceptive attempts to contact DH of fifty-one years. Countless attempts to worm her way back into our lives. AND into our finances behind my back. SKids & GKs don't want a relationship with us, but definitely DO want a relationship with our money. There is absolutely no legitimate reason for your DH's ex to contact him once the children are grown. Don't allow it. Period. If your DH isn't on the same page, you've got some serious thinking to do and decisions to confront.

ldvilen's picture

Unfortunately, I see this as maybe my future too. It varies, but I found dealing with younger SKs way easier. I always thought when they got older, they'd wise up and seek out more answers from their dad, you know, being adults and all. Unfortunately, instead, like a lot of women on these pages, my adult SKs chose the easiest thing to do (but not the smartest, by a long shot), which is go/side with BM 100%. Dad doesn't matter and SM/dad's wife certainly doesn't matter.

HOWEVER, what does matter is dad's money. My husband and I have been married longer than he was married to his ex-, but you better believe BM still feels she should be #1 in this life and have a say in his inheritances. Yeah, I can see the older he gets and the bigger his 401k gets (he is due to retire soon), the more she'll be wanting to chat.

callmedone's picture

Just as a heads up.. it won't just be your husband's 401k & inheritances they're interested in. If they suspect they're not going to inherit much (and in my case, after 51 yrs. of marriage vs. less than a 5 years failed marriage in her case.. they would be absolutely correct in suspecting that they will get nothing) they'll try to worm anything they can out of him BEFORE he passes on. And most likely attempt to do it behind your back. In my experience, money matters a LOT with BM & SKids. None of these people have been a part of our lives in years, yet you better believe they still have a cold, hard eye toward the money my husband & I both earned over the years.

Mustang is exactly right. Establish iron clad boundaries. And once established.. defend them!

MineAndYours's picture

My Skids are 14 and 19. I realize that the younger one still has a way to go..but if she needs a ride or help selling tickets for a fundraiser I think she should be responsible for asking. I try to think things through before saying anything because I know that SO has less contact then he would like. This is the Skids choice but with help from BM for sure. BM does everything for them and always has. In the beginning it was "they aren't used to it" but now that they are getting older I'm thinking that the dependency on BM to communicate everything needs to change.