Send the Letter or not?
My husband and I have drafted a "statement" that outlines the points of contention we have with his kids - my skids.
It doesn't go into great detail, but it does say that he will not be spending time with them over the holidays, because of their rude and inconsiderate behavior towards him and me at the wedding this past weekend - and in the past. This includes the behavior of his daughters new husband and his son's fiance.
If the skids want to talk to him over the phone, that is fine, but I REFUSE to be in their presence, and as his wife he wants to show a united front. FINALLY, he is waking up to how awful his kids have been, and that he has not been setting firm boundaries with them earlier! 
Miracles do happen!
Our question is, should he call the kids individually and share his position with them - or should he send them a copy of the statement in the mail - or should we not do any of this and just wait until (or if) the kids bring up the subject of getting together for the holidays, and then he can tell them why this will not happen?
His son expects us to go to Chicago this next spring for his wedding, and if his son's fiance is going to treat us as she did this past weekend at the wedding, we would rather not go!
Actually, we probably will go just to see what trouble his EX will cause. We KNOW she will do SOMETHING to draw attention to herself. Possibly some long-winded speech and toast for HER son, and his new wife, whom she just ADORES. :sick: I can't help to continue to feel that my DH's fiance is using him and she is just as manipulative as her future MIL. There will be a "Clash of the Titans" in the future. We can see it coming!
We feel his daughter has gotten what she wants from her father, and now he is no more "use" to her. At least for now.
We are wondering if the son is doing the same thing. He wants his father to be in the photographs and smile and look all happy, then after the wedding and reception - he got his photo-moments and gift, and he has no more use for his father.
Both skids have told us that they are "All grown up and mature, and there is nothing you can tell us anymore." They literally said this, word for word. But they said it "nicely"...roll eyes. 
}:)
They need a "smiley" face the rolls it's eyes. Is there anywhere I can get one of those. 
So, any advise on when and how my DH should tell his kids his decision not to be in their presence until they, and their loved ones, can treat us with respect? They live two hours away, so doing it in person will be a challenge - and a waste of expensive gas. They will want to argue and whine and deny.
Your input appreciated.
Sorry, not my "DH's fiance"
Sorry, not my "DH's fiance" but his SONS fiance.
Do not send the letter. If
Do not send the letter. If you get an invite tell them you decline and why you feel that way. Many times when people put something in writing it comes back to bite them in the but.
I would recommend writing one
I would recommend writing one that is customized to each child. That way it isn't generic but I personally would send the letter. It sounds like the kids are just being brats they have to realize that there are consequences for their actions.
We were thinking have having
We were thinking have having him first speak via phone to each individually, then as them if they wanted a copy of the outline sent to them, in case they forgot, or didn't understand what he said. When people are confronted with bad information, they can "zone out" or not hear everything said.
Also, my DH is not a fast talker/thinker (he is a great guy, don't get me wrong) but his kids have a way of arguing back at him, talking really fast and diverting him off track. His anorexic daughter is really good at this - she uses it as a way to avoid having to admit and deal with the issues.
I appreciate your input. We probably won't call, or send a letter.
Every other letter we have sent them in the past, they claim they didn't get, or they refused it, or they just didn't understand it.
We had been VERY careful how in what we said and HOW we said it, with a LOT of "I love you" in it by my DH - so we aren't ashamed or regretful of what we said in past letters, but the kids just blow it off.
They probably won't get it unless they get the information right at the time they want an answer to their invitation. Then it will have more impact. We hope. Despite these kids claims of "maturity" they can really be dense!
Don't send the letter but
Don't send the letter but instead change your approach with the kids. You do not eve have to tell them what your boundaries are, if you practice them and practice change they will get it. If you and your husband can agree on what to do and where your limits lie, stand by it. Don't compremise your own values and let anything slide for the sake of keeping peace. As soon as you do they take control and keep that in mind. You and your husband are the pillars of strength and that is what you want them to see. They have no authority over you but they will try and if they succeed you pay the price. You have to emotionally distance yourself. Words from you and husband should be kind and supportive. If there is a conflict, direct it rather than get into their rage. Try to remember these are children and eventhough they are very big now and have the right to make their own decisions and do what they choose for themselves, they are still having tantrums like little children to control their enviroment. You do not have to be a part of this.....disconnect.
Thanks for the input. We have
Thanks for the input.
We have decided to NOT send them anything.
Because my husband can get tongue tied, we even have a "statement" list of issues typed up and next to the phone - two of them, each one tailored for each skid. He will ONLY use it if THEY ASK why we aren't accepting their invitations (or why we aren't inviting them to our home) or if after that they want clarification on how they have been disrespectful. On both counts THEY HAVE TO ASK, we are not offering the information unsolicited!
My DH will just continue to politely turn down any invitations to see them over the holidays - or any other time.
We feel they won't ask anyway - which will make it all the easier!
We are NOT going to ask them to get together either! No way!
We are going to put them off until his son's wedding this next Memorial Day Weekend in 2012. We are going to see how it goes. We EXPECT them to act rude, so no surprises there for us. ;)Mostly, we are going to see what his EX does to make a fool of herself. She can't resist!
We will continue this forever if they want to. He can talk to them over the phone. The only time he would want to see them is if they have a baby - or got really ill, etc. and we don't expect either of those things to happen, for a long time. None of them are mature enough to have a child! :jawdrop: But.....it could happen sooner than they think.
Thanks again for the input.
Man, it has been so quiet around here - how nice! No skids!