SD23 forced DH to choose between us
And he chose her. And he says he can't live with her and I not getting along (one big happy f'in family!!) so he is divorcing me, and I'm devastated and heartbroken beyond anything I thought imaginable. Before I get into too much, I've spent the past 2 hours reading posts on this forum and I finally stopped crying because I realized I am not alone, that others have experienced the EXACT same level of insanity with stepchildren as I have. None of my friends can begin to understand what I have been through for the past 11 years with this girl, and how her father was so crippled with divorce guilt from his first marriage, he simply can't see her for what she is... a lying, manipulative, selfish, spoiled brat.
You've heard it all and seen it all before on here, so one day I will tell the tale of how I tried for 10 years to forge a relationship with her, how I bought her lavish gifts, took her on expensive vacations, gave her a car, a job, now only to be told I was "abusive" and never loved her like "a mom" (well, hello, I was the SM, she had a mom) and according to STBX "deserve her wrath because i was too tough on her"... because holding Princess accountable and responsible for her actions might upset her her, and god knows, we cannot make poor little Princess unhappy.
But none of this matters. Because I'm utterly heartbroken by his decision. I know what you will all say, which is to GET OVER IT, how I am better off (I am, stress level is way down) cause that is what everyone says. But how?? It's been 7 months since he blindsided me with the divorce proceedings. He was my world, my best friend, my equal and partner. My everything. The speed at which this happened baffles me. He would not go to counseling. There were some other minor issues in the marriage, but nothing we could not talk through. For the sake of the marriage, I tried to mend fences with her, but she would not. I had 10 incredibly happy years, the happiest in my life, then within 3 months it was all over...
He always put her first, and I understood that when she was 12 and they were going through a rough time with her mother (who she also cut out of her life 3 years ago). He did not marry me until she left for college because in his words "he didn't want her to think she had to compete with me for his attention". I know, huge red flag, but I didn't fully realize until she became a collosal loser how co-dependent they really were. I gave up my life to move into their house when she was 14 to take care of her (her dad travels for work 2 weeks per month and he won sole custody) and this is how they repay me. I feel so used and betrayed.
Anyhow, any other men or ladies who have had this happen? How do you move on when you are still in love with your STBX? When you feel you gave 1000% for years, only to be kicked to the curb with no recourse because of someone else. I guess its the same for people who get left for "the other man / woman" because his daughter truly was "the other woman". I just never really knew it.
My heart goes out to you,
My heart goes out to you, don't know what to say. But either way you are truly better off without him, you are too good for him!
Thank You. I'm trying not to
Thank You. I'm trying not to sound like a monster pity party, but I'm struggling with how to put his behind me. I don't have a clue where to begin. I dream about him every night and wake up with tears in my eyes. Even my subconscious is wigged out.
I'm so glad I found this site. I wish I had found this a few years ago. So many aha moments and nuggets of all out truth on the posts here. I never had anyone I could talk to who understood the difficulty and complexity of a step-relationship.
You will get over it - but
You will get over it - but you will do it at your own pace. The divorce isn't even final yet, so it is natural you are still grieving. I recommend the book "Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Third Edition," by Abigail Trafford. I found the first edition of the book very helpful when I went through my first divorce in the 80's. It has been updated so the information is current.
You might also find therapy helpful. A good therapist can help you understand your feelings and figure out what you want to do next in your life. If you are crying every day, you might also talk to a doctor about some anti-anxiety medication or an antidepressant to help you short term.
It also sounds like you need to find your anger. This man has treated you in a horrible way and you deserve to be very angry with him. Once you get mad it will make things easier. I hope you have a good divorce lawyer.
I know all too well that right now you think you will never feel better. Trust me, in time you will feel happy again.
I'm generally over the crying
I'm generally over the crying / rage / anger everyday stage. Today is more the exception thanks to the joys of menopause and tanking hormones, the rollercoaster is off the rails a bit. Despite the anger and sadness, I realize that no amount of that will kill the love I still feel for this man. Chrissie Hynde once sang, "it's a thin line between love and hate", and I'm stuck in between. I will probably finalize the divorce in May. I know its time to move on, and while I love my atty, I can no longer afford her hourly fees, and yes, I'm taking him to the cleaners to the fullest extent to which I legally can
I'm a successful professional so I have no worries in the financial side.
I mulled over the anti-depressants months ago, but the side-effects scared the bejesus outta me, so I opted not to go there. I feel stable and calm enought to sleep now and I'm okay. I should go to therapy. But I guess I feel like no amount of talking will turn off my heart. I guess I will have to wait this one out.
These forums have made me feel so much better. I realize ALOT of people hate being step parents, hate their stepkids and have enough resentment to sink the Titanic, and DAMN, it feels good to know that. I have been so guilt ridden for YEARS, thinking I was the only one, and what was wrong with me, and that I was a completely shittay person for not being able to love his little Princess. I love some of the names for the Skids... Succubus, Fungus, etc. LOL right there ladies. I needed that. Thank you for your honesty.
I'm really sad to hear you
I'm really sad to hear you say "I'm taking him to the cleaners to the fullest extent to which I legally can :)"
I feel very compelled to share this with you; revenge always backfires
I once had a friend who was
I once had a friend who was contemplating divorce because her DH of a few years and father to two kids under 4 was catting around with some young girl he had dated casually before they got married (actually "had" to get married due to a pregnancy related to their first date.. not a great situation).
Anyway, the advice was that women often just compromise and give in when they want out of a relationship. I know I did, gave my EX a huge amount of cash/assets that he really didn't earn or deserve, but I wanted OUT when I found he was cheating on me. I mean, he was already a so so husband who had a hard time keeping employed and had champagne tastes that I got to pay for when he was unemployed and he had a bit of an anger issue and the ExCon brother he insisted move in with us for a bit.. etc.. (thank goodness no kids on either side there!).
The advice is that you should get "everything you are entitled to in the divorce". If you feel bad after the settlement that you got too much, you can always give some back. By this I would mean that you should get your fair share and any CS you are entitled to. You can always be reasonable in the future if your EX loses a job and you can manage without the full CS pmt or whatever.. but don't just give in and give them everything just to avoid the conflict.
Of course you don't want to eat all the assets up fighting in court, but there is some truth to what she said.
My ex catted around also and
My ex catted around also and left me with two kids and no job. I was totally numb from what he did - cleaned out our bank accounts, etc. I was lucky enough to have a friend who advised me to get all I could. It took me a year and 1/2 to get rid of him. I finally had to take him to court after he threatened to take money and home equity which was not his. I am so glad I took my friend's advice! If I hadn't I would be in a whole different place financially today. As another poster suggested, if you feel bad afterwards give him something back - a while lot easier than going back to court.
Hey, I was going to respond
Hey, I was going to respond to you earlier, but my SD-30 is now out of jail and moved back in with SO this week "for a little bit." SO called me when drama immediately started to blow-up tonight at his house between the SGD12 whom she abandoned 3 years ago and herself. I bit my tongue since he is still running with a fantasy-reunited-family theme.
You have a wealth of experience as a SM to share. Good and bad times. You are not alone. Most of us have positive/negative experiences, but it's unpopular to talk about the nasty stuff. Keep sharing, please. You have a lot to offer.
I am sorry that your relationship failed during such a weird time of life. It makes you believe that Disney had it correct that the witch who gave Snow White the apple was really a menopausal SM. (grin) Actually, I now am on some bio-identical hormones and I feel so much better. The craziness is now clearly outside of me ...
I was thinking of your "love him" comments and I wondered how much was you loving the real person and how much was loving your impression, your idea of the person?
"I know what you will all
"I know what you will all say, which is to GET OVER IT." No, I won't. Take your time - and possibly see a therapist as one of the other posters suggested. What you are going through right now is grieving over the death of a relationship. You probably have already experienced some of the steps of grieving such as denial and anger. The thing about grieving process is you will go through one phase, only to possibly visit it again, then move on to another phase. My 1st Husband left me for another woman and it was devastating. It seemed like it took a long time to get over it but when I look back on it, the struggle, and the conquest of that struggle are some of the most memorable years of my life. I suspect you are a survivor like I was. Eventually you will be proud that you surmounted the obstacles and made it through to the other side of the tunnel - and you will. The main thing right now is to take care of yourself and take the a$$ to the cleaners. (((HUGS)))
I am so so sorry for you. To
I am so so sorry for you. To have this happen is so cruel and I hope karma pays them back ten fold. I am sending you many hugs in this. You get over this in your own time. Not beforehand. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I can't believe this could happen sometimes. What is wrong with these men????
I am sorry you have been blindsided and hurt. What a coward he is and how cruel they both have been to you. I know you still love him and are distraught
Please come here as often as you need for support and even if you just need to vent.
This bit is prob a bit hard to hear right now ...
But can I give a bit of other advice? You were married and he is deserting party. You may be entitled to maintainence. Also can you prove the gifts/holidays that you bought and the bad behaviour of her? Emails texts etc? Can you prove he is leaving cause it is what his daughter wants?
Maybe you want a clean break and nothing to do with them but money is currency in a situation like this. If they are going to put you through the ringer emotionally then I would TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS; I know ur prob not considering it now and you still love him and don't want to hurt him but if you can put your feelings aside I would suggest getting stuck in there and ensuring he doesn't get away Scott free from all this.
Only a man with a micro pen*s
Only a man with a micro pen*s would diss a woman like that.
I too am sorry you are going
I too am sorry you are going through this. I felt like this was going to happen to me a few years ago when DH and SD ganged up on. Even though we didn't divorce the marriage is very damaged, so even if it worked out so to speak - it would never be the same and you would lose the little bit of love and respect anyway. It would just take a little longer.
This is like ripping off the bandaid fast - the pain will be there but eventually it will lesson.
Take your time. Love yourself and be kind to yourself. You DID NOTHING WRONG!!!
I too am sorry you are going
I too am sorry you are going through this. I felt like this was going to happen to me a few years ago when DH and SD ganged up on me. Even though we didn't divorce the marriage is very damaged, so even if it worked out so to speak - it would never be the same and you would lose the little bit of love and respect anyway. It would just take a little longer.
This is like ripping off the bandaid fast - the pain will be there but eventually it will lesson.
Take your time. Love yourself and be kind to yourself. You DID NOTHING WRONG!!!
Put you first. Every time you
Put you first. Every time you start to think about your ex, find something else to do. Read a book. Watch a movie. Go for a walk/run or workout. Start doing some sort of craft (cross-stitch, knitting, quilting) that you can pick up and go to town on. Play a game (WoW? GW2?). Go DO something that you enjoy--walk thru a park, check out the library, etc.
I think a lot of us tie too much of our sense of self into our partner, then when they are gone we feel lost. Find you. If you can't do it alone, then counseling may help.
LOL,same advice is given for
LOL,same advice is given for quitting smoking!
Getting over a relationship and quitting smoking are similar- at least from the addiction and behavioral points of view.
The only thing I will add, is go volunteer or find an interest outside of "you". It is especially good as you get to know other people and build a new life that is meaningful.
Very sorry that you were
Very sorry that you were treated so badly. It must have been devastating for you. (((((Hugs!)))))
It's never easy when the one we love, is the also the one who hurts us so deeply. It may not feel like it now but, you will get through this. Every day gets easier and every step without him will make you stronger. Allow yourself to grieve what you have lost but, not too long. Trust me, when enough time has passed, you will see that you really didn't lose as much as you thought.
In the meantime, work on you. Find a hobby, get some counseling, find things to do that help keep you busy right now. Believe it or not, keeping busy is the most important thing to do.
Do you like animals? I got a dog. It was the absolute best thing I ever did! All the love and none of the drama! LOL.
Wish Steptalk had "Like" and
Wish Steptalk had "Like" and "Love" buttons
Amen to everything above. Please, please, please make sure you get what you deserve...and then get out of there and get on with it.
I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I am experiencing it, too, only I am the one thinking about leaving. Still love DH...don't think I can do it.
I'm really sorry for your
I'm really sorry for your hurt and for your violated expectations. Grieving is normal and natural and hurts like h3ll.
You have a big lesson to learn about boundaries. When you give too much away, you will be hurt every time. You don't have to protect yourself from people you love, you need to protect yourself from your own unwillingness to take good care of your precious self. This man was not a wonderful partner nor was he a good friend. Your love for him is about you, not about him.
In the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, "Often, when we say, “I love you” we focus mostly on the idea of the “I” who is doing the loving and less on the quality of the love that’s being offered." .... "In true love, there’s no more separation or discrimination. His happiness is your happiness. Your suffering is his suffering. You can no longer say, “That’s your problem.”"
^^^^ is definitely not how your exDH 'loved' you.
I'm so sorry for what you're
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I would never tell you to get over it. My heart hurts for you.
I'm so sorry xx
My XW was shopping the pooty
My XW was shopping the pooty all over town for the entire 2.5 years we were married unbeknownst to me. I was the one who was all in on the marriage, I was the one who was committed, and made the marriage my priority. She did nothing.
So I have lived my version of your pain.
Embrace your new opportunity for an amazing future and life. Engage as actively as you can in the grieving/recovery cycle, go see a therapist to help you navigate the process and reconnect with the hbb that you like being.
Embracing life is the best revenge and the best reward that you can give yourself. 26 years from now when you are continuing to engage in an amazing life and amazing future with an amazing partner after building a life together this sad experience will be nothing but an intermittent unpleasant memory for you.
Meanwhile your STBX will be wallowing in the toxic swill of his shallow and polluted gene pool, his toxic spawn will have at least partially moved on to her own relationships and life while keeping her hand firmly in daddy’s pocket, he will be well on through a number of subsequent marriages, and he will be buried under his share of a $multimillion civil judgement for his participation in your STBXMIL’s embezzlement felony conviction. At least that is what he will experience if he does as my XW did following our divorce.
She is on DH #3 (I was #1), spawned three out of wedlock crotch nuggets by two different baby daddies, and is pretty much miserable. At least according to the occasional call I get from a few mutual friends.
My amazing bride and I will celebrate our 22nd anniversary this coming summer. My revenge of living an amazing life with and while loving an amazing woman has made me very happy.
Take care of you. Be happy.
I lived in my jammies,
I lived in my jammies, watched movies, and drank wine for about a year after a divorce. exH served me with papers after telling me that he was willing to work it out, Liar! He had been planning to divorce me, secretly moving his stuff out all the while telling me that we were fine.
He wanted a divorce after I took care of him for over 2 1/2 years while he was recovering from a debilitating health issue. He couldn't work or do much of anything; so I quit school, quit working so that I could wait on him hand and foot and take care of our toddler. He was in several kinds of therapies and then these young interns, college age female therapists started showing up as this facebook friends. Then he would get calls at home checking up on him. He started accusing me of being abusive to him. I got us in counseling but apparently he had already moved on.
I was completely blindsided by the divorce and burst into tears when the sheriff came to serve me.
There is no just getting over it. It will happen on your own timeline. It took some time but now I'm so glad to be away from him and all of the gaslighting and head games.
There are no words or the
There are no words or the hurt and damage this causes. I've been there.
I booted my DH to SD's for a few weeks; my DH came back with filing for divorce and wanting our home; NO WAY. I followed with a Court Order for no contact, a Court Order for Protection, and a Court Order for property possession, until the divorce was final. I retained an Attorney, made a list of ALL assets including a market analysis on our home (which has no debt). I added it all up, split everything 1/2; with all this said my statement to DH: "You can have your divorce, provide me with a home, my new vehicle, any furnishing I want, and I will not live any less than what I am accustomed to living. You have this home and SD." His argument, "I want to be in my own home, I'm comfortable here". "No problem, cough up what I need to replace one just like it". My DH hated living with his Princess; his reasoning was "they leave me to sit with their dogs and go for long weekends". "Poor you".
DH finally agreed it was not to his advantage to let SD enter into our marriage. After a year, we are doing better. There is a good deal of damage to our marriage; I still am not sure it will all work out.
Make it to your advantage; that's the only advice I can give. I am VERY sorry you or anyone has to go thru this pain.
((((hugs))))