SD18 has taken over the house and farm, I can't wait to leave...
Some of you may have seen my previous thread, which I posted halfway through typing, about my SD and her boyfriend living with us and terrorizing our life and home with substance abuse and blatant disrespect...
I had a talk on the phone with my dad last night. Him and my mom moved closer to SO and I so we could farm together. Last year when I first wanted to leave, my mom and dad both defended SO and told me they thought I was being unreasonable for wanting to leave. Until they learnt more of the circumstances, like how the land we live on and farm on is in SO's mother's name, due to be inherited to SO at some point (I offered to sign a prenup to help the process but that was rejected) and suddenly SO's brother-in-law quit working due to a sore back and he and SO's sister approached SO's mom and convinced her to inform SO and I that she is thinking about selling the land out from under us to pay off SO's sister's mortgage so his BIL doesn't have to return to work. Paying out their mortgage is over two hundred and thirty thousand dollars. SO's sister was given an inheritance of land at the same time he was, but she chose to sell hers immediately, and SO's was never completely signed over to him because his mom and dad didn't trust his wife not to run off and take him for half. SO and I have a combined debt of not even half of his sister, and his mother's offer? "I'll pay out everyone's debt with the money for your land, buy myself a house, and split what's left between you and your sister and you can use what you get as a downpayment on a new home." We had to lawyer up and warn his mother of a court battle if she attempted to take it further, which has only temporarily halted these discussions. We are living on a financial time bomb.
In the mean time, SO gets FCKed over by his ex, bullied into paying her out half a mortgage for twenty years of marriage but no assets and no equity to show for it. Plus over stated child support demands and a severely unrealistic nature of constantly intruding - coming by our home any time she pleases, going into our home unannounced and unsupervised, and more than once, stepping in to issues between us and the children that concerned OUR HOUSE RULES and OUR expectations and getting physical with SO in the threshold of OUR home, in front of their kids! Calling him names, punching, kicking and shoving him, and instructing the kids to watch to see if he would hit her back. I've reported her a total of nine times to the police and the only time they said they could do anything, is once the divorce was finalized, which only happened last July. She's been extremely calculated and careful since, and hasn't once become violent with him again.
Now, for me, who gets sucked into this sh!t constantly and blamed for EVERYTHING (I am known as the family lightning rod) I watch this man get screwed over ENDLESSLY. I'm BLOWN AWAY. If it's not his ex, it's one of his demonic children, if it's not one of the children, it's his SISTER. OR his friends, "friends". Everyone uses and abuses him, and I'm seeing the insanity from my end, in complete disbelief. I've stood by him this long. But it's beginning to drag me down too, and I just can't take it anymore. I kept talking myself out of leaving him for how sorry I felt for him. But six years later, he still hasn't stood up to any of these people. He still hasn't disciplined his kids or ever made them own up for their misbehaviors at our home.
My dad finally agreed and understood, and promised me he and my mom support me 100%. He said he was sorry that he didn't see the chaos for what it really was when they first got more involved with SO and I.
Now SD18 and her boyfriend own and operate our home and farm. Or so it feels like. SD has a few horses. I had a few when I met SO, and moved them with me to the farm when I came to live with him. She hates two of my horses, out of sheer jealousy, and absolutely ADORES the other two, and works with them constantly. I've never said anything about it, it's always been fine by me so long as she remembered who the owner was.
Well fast forward to now, I am advertising livestock and horses so I can gather some money for a down payment on my own home, and SD randomly messages me yesterday, "So when you sell your horses, what do I get for training them? I was thinking you and me can go to the auction and you can buy me a couple new ones to train and sell so I can keep my training job going." EXCUSE ME!? I tried my best to remain polite. I told her there would be no exchange of money or animals to her, since I never asked her to do anything with my horses. Well that was clearly the wrong answer. She flew off the handle, over text, and told me I'm ripping her off and that I owe her money for all the work she's done with my horses, if I sell them. She said she is sick and tired of me taking advantage of her. Okay.... So by the time I could get home from work, she was already locked in her room, sobbing on the phone to her mother, who immediately came and picked her and one of her freeloader friends up for supper so that she didn't have to be around me for the rest of the evening.
SO and I talked last night again, and his disposition remains the characteristic nonchalant passive expression of "Do as you please.", inviting me to go ahead and leave if I feel that is necessary. I feel like my mind is being played with. I'm so tired of the mental abuse that his kids have put me through all these years. Don't even get me started on what his other three kids have done to me in the time I've been around. But somehow, I'm ALWAYS the bad guy. I'm the reason their mom and dad could never work it out again, because I came into his life after she got caught wh0ring around and took off on him with one of her new lovers, only to realize she wanted him back when *gasp* someone ELSE started to love him.
I started seeing a therapist at a domestic abuse shelter about a month ago, and that has really been helping me pull the wool from my eyes to see what a hell I have been subjected to, moulded to replace a woman twice my age and compressed to a point that I don't even know who I am anymore since I'm so busy fulfilling so many other roles... I wonder if there's anyone else out there that's gone through anything similar to this. High conflict, physical, emotional and even financial abuse, and perhaps narcicism, like being gaslighted, etc. when trying to defend themselves? I'm constantly second guessing myself and I keep worrying that I cannot make it without these people that drain the life right out of me, but one day at a time. My resolution is to just buy a house no matter what happens - whether I chicken out to leave him or not, and just have it. But I really believe that once those keys hit my hand, I may just finally be FREE.....
Earlier in my marriage I used
Earlier in my marriage I used to feel very protective of my DH. I felt he'd been through a lot and had experienced more than his share of bad luck with relationships, career, etc. I put him on a pedestal and appointed myself his loyal defender, putting up with a lot of cr@p, crises, and drama from his exes, kids, and family because I thought that was what loving partners do.
Part of my disengagement journey has included accepting my DH for who he truly is - a flawed, adult wounded child who caused many of his own problems. He grew up in a family riddled with multi-generational dysfunction, bred with unstable women, and was a distant father. He's made a lot of poor choices over the years, and is paying the price for some of them. These are his issues; I can't save or cover for him, and I'm not willing to be scapegoated for them, either.
Your SO has a lot of problems. You didn't cause them. Many of them originated long before you came along. But you are being affected by them. We each are responsible for our own stuff, and you can't save this weak man who lets his family walk over him, his ex steamroll him, and the kids he's not parenting mistreat you. You can, however, save yourself.
We are not supposed to suffer in relationships, and they aren't supposed to be so hard, either. There's a separateness that needs to be maintained between partners, otherwise we can lose ourselves in their poo. So keep working on yourself with your therapist, plan you exit strategy with your parents, and free yourself from that strife. Make you your priority, and build a life of your own while your SO handles his baggage. Then see what you want in terms of a relationship.
No... I don't want to deal
No... I don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. I wanted to be with him, and I've tried. I'm exhausted. These kids have not had either parent "PARENT" them since they separated in 2011, so they've all flown off the rails with BM feeding them whatever they want with a silver spoon and SO never standing up to them in his own home.
I kept getting blamed every time these kids screwed up - even if it had nothing to do with me. I don't know how best to explain it other than to say that BM has managed to manipulate each one of them, and sometimes SO as well, into thinking that I am a direct influence of the bad behaviors, bad choices and overall piss poor attitudes. I nearly went to prison in 2016 because SS15 (13 at the time) called BM in the middle of the night while we had company over, to tell her I had done something to him in our kitchen, which SS11 backed up. Police were called to the scene, but because the number of adults outnumbered the number of kids and the adults were all telling the same story while the kids told three different versions (I hipchecked him, as he sat at the kitchen table. Bumped him on his shoulder, he laughed and smiled. That was all. His story to BM, and her's to police - I "twerked" against him and then sat myself in his lap, grinding him until he finally started crying out of discomfort. He was beside himself, traumatized and ashamed when he got ahold of BM. He finally begrudgingly admitted to an officer that he'd made it up out of anger at me for refusing to allow him an alcoholic drink.) Instead of this confused child being held accountable for his actions and then put through the family counseling that he so desperately needed - BM harrassed SO AND me for weeks, describing nightmares and symptoms of trauma that SS15 was dealing with because of me. She bought him a brand new game system and excused him from school for over a week to overcome the trauma. SS15 has never been able to look me in the eye since. If he comes over on a weekend to see dad, I do not allow myself EVER to be alone in the house with him or SS13. He and I don't even speak to each other, the entire time he is out there.
It's been a horrifying experience - one that I wouldn't put my worst enemy through. And I'm not saying this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't know what exactly I am seeking from this forum, except perhaps some sort of justification for my feelings and my desire to escape the madness. I was financially dependent for a long time, and felt trapped and powerless because of it. I finally gained financial independence, and now have the opportunity to leave at my own accord. I guess - I'm standing in the doorway looking over what I'm about to get away from, and I'm feeling confused and unsure I really want to leave. I'm not sure if it is a sort of stockholm syndrome??
I understand anyone who wants to say to me, "why have you stayed there this long?" It's a question I get asked daily, and one that I even ask myself. I'm not always sure why I've remained there this long, myself. I love SO with all my heart, despite his lack of attempt to shield me from the hysteria. I can tell you horrific stories until the cows come home, of some of the many things I have gone through and dealt with, and the heart breaks I have suffered at the hands of the people I love. I don't know if the stepfamily life that I live is an unrealistic or bizarre one, or if it's something more common, that other stepmothers have survived and come out on top of. I would like to share my story, and I do hope to connect with others on the matter, whether I do leave or not.
For now though - I am going to go stay with friends and family for a little bit, after the baby time is over (mid to end of march) and I am going to go through with buying myself my own home. I think getting outside the box long enough to look in, might help me to objectively make an educated decision on what will be best for me.
I can relate
When I was marreid to my ex, we adopted two older children who had been thrown from one foster home to the next. They were hurt and angry, and needed someone to blame for the pain they had endured. I was accused of all sorts of things as often happens with an adoptive Mother of older children. Thankfully, nothing sexual. Never-the-less, it was an 11 year nightmare. I had to give the younger one up when she was 13 because she was getting violent. A few years later, she tried to murder 2 counselors. I raised the older one until she was 18 1/2. She got into drugs and accused me of beating her up, brusing her jaw Thank goodness a friend saw her get hit in the jaw at a baseball game she was playing in. I consider myself very fortunate that I made it through all of the heartache and abuse. I know if I had continued to keep in touch with them I would either be broke or dead. You are very fortunate you had witnesses too but you might not be so lucky next time there is an accusation from one of the SSs.
Count your losses as 'lesson learned' and as far away from the skids and unsupportive DH.
I'm sorry for what you went
I'm sorry for what you went through with your adopted children. That does sound like a nightmare.
SD21 has been into bad drugs and violence and car theft and was questioned on a murder of an old friend of ours who was killed during a home invasion which she was a part of. I've never allowed her back to the farm, which has actually made SO fairly angry with me on more than one occasion - but I insisted it was for SD18's safety, which made him back off that little bit. I believe SD21 is capable of killing me if she ever decides she would like to.
The counselor that I see at the shelter has placed me on a sort of priority program - I've been given access to a direct line for immediate assistance if I am ever in danger in my home.
I think I am finally feeling ready, though, to as you say, count the losses and get away from here.
(((HUGS)))
It is so good to hear you are finally thinking of yourself for a change. You have been living under the threat of a potentially 'life or death' situation, not to mention the horrible emotional abuse. Glad to hear you are doing what is right for you to survive both physically and emotionally.
Karma has a strange way of catching up with people who do ill will to others. If you choose to continue with a somewhat distant relationship with SO, I hope it is under the condition that you will not be exposed to the skids at all. In another year you will be thanking your lucky stars you left. Have to tell you though, when you remove yourself from the equation the skids will choose another target, and in all probablity it will be SO. You sound like a very compassionate person who wants to help everyone. Please do not allow SO to use you as a sounding board for his frustrations with the skids. If he wants to discuss the skids just smile and change the subject.
I appreciate your supportive
I appreciate your supportive thoughts. My best friend told me yesterday that she's tired of watching me conform myself to the demands of my family, and not live life as myself, doing and feeling as I choose to. She's been trying to convince me for several years now that this is not a normal, functional, healthy lifestyle to live. I'm not sure if my own mental capacity or lack thereof might have attributed to my inability to see this as something that wasn't right for me. I just couldn't seem to bring myself to admit first of all that anything was wrong, or to want to leave at all, until lately.
I'm entertaining the idea of keeping a distant relationship with SO, but that's moreso a little bit of a "white lie" to avoid conflict about my choice to move out. I don't want the drama and the sudden "I'm sorry, I'll change, I love you, what can I do" 's to start up the moment I finally have my bags packed and have a home to move to, as I am worried that it will weaken my foundation and may make me reconsider leaving, which at this point in time is not a healthy option for me period. At least not in my opinion.
SO says he will see a counselor. But I don't know if that is just him telling me what I want to hear so that the discussion can finally be overwith, or if he is serious. I'm leaving the ball in his park on that one.
I have a feeling that once I am moved out, I will be more interested in ending the relationship and cutting all contact. It's a very strange, depressing reality for me - especially since this is a fairly slow moving process. I come home to SO and SD18 and her bf every night, pretending that there is nothing wrong, but knowing that this is leading to my exit at SOME point very soon.
The quirky thing about iheritance....
is that it does not belong to the Heir until it is granted by the terms of a Will or is other wise granted by the grantor.
So, your SO is screwed and other than contesting a will and fighting out a touchy situation in court.... his mom can do as she pleases with her property.
Yeah, I really am not in as
Yeah, I really am not in as good an understanding of the situation as I would like to be... All that I am aware of at this point, is SO's name and MIL's name are both on mortgage on HOUSE - but only MIL's name on land that house is on... However, due to house being built into the ground on the land, this creates for legal discrepancy when determining whose property it actually is... This I heard only because BM took SO to cleaners to try and get a half a mil payout for the house and land during the settlement. Long court battle, judge determined BM not entitled to half the land value since her name was never on it - she was however entitled to a payout despite the HOUSE still not being paid off. But then, as far as SO's entitlement of the land - FIL's will (FIL passed away about eleven years ago) specifically indicates inheritance of the land to SO, unless otherwise determined by MIL? As far as SO's legal ground to ward off MIL and SIL from selling the farm out from under him... I really haven't a clue what his odds are.
This was another thing I've asked SO to clarify with his mother, since we were planning to marry, and I didn't want me marrying him to come between him and his inheritance, if that was a factor at all (I had offered, and still continue to offer - to sign a prenup, or any other sort of legal document that would protect SO from me being able to take any of his inheritance, but he nor MIL ever took that offer. It seems more an issue strictly between SO and his family, about wanting to use the value of the farm to get everyone ahead, except for SO). We were going to host the wedding at the farm, and clean it up really nice and have some upgrades done to a barn and a large greenhouse we have on the property, until everything unraveled with MIL and SIL declaring their intent to sell to save themselves... But then when the talk of the wedding at the farm came up, the talk of selling the farm was suddenly silent. It was at that point that I told SO that I would rather not have the wedding at home and clean the farm or fix any of the buildings then, just to see them rip it all out from under him less than a week after our wedding, UNLESS MIL finally signed the place over to him. He tells me his mother says she will sign it over to him now that the arguments have been had, but never once have I witnessed this conversation, and then one evening around a month ago, I caught him talking to his mother on the phone, unaware of my presence in our home, saying "Fine, mom, if that's what you need to do then do it. I will take what I get and find myself something else then." So I asked him about it, and he lied to me that it was not about the property, when I could clearly hear his mother on the other end! I didn't CARE what he ended up deciding with his mother - I was never with him for his property - but yet he lies to me about what is actually going on, and speaks secretively and in private with his mother about it. I live here too, and as an equally contributing half, I feel it's within my right to at least have a heads up on what the deal is going to be with where we are living or what is going to happen...
Looking back, this certainly has not been the only time that I have been kept in the dark with serious issues concerning my day to day life - and this is another thing with him that is slowly driving me out the door. Well, it already has driven me out the door.
You've been assaulted and
You've been assaulted and abused while your Dh stands back and uses you as the sacrificial lamb. Lucky your on a farm.
geez girl get outta there. You deserve so much better.