SD17 sabotaged last holiday
There is a history with SD17 of her attempting to sabotage just about every holiday, date night and weekend away that we have together. At first it was more blatant, often via BM and is now more manipulative and passive aggressive.
Some examples
- Recent long weekend away to beach. DH emailed and asked if she wanted to stay at her mum's whilst we were away if she wanted to stay at our place. No response. BM rings and screams at him "What the F... do you think you are playing at?" He told her he would not speak to her when she yelled. SD17 did not write ring or respond for 5 days. I felt bad and it affected weekend away for me especially as she had her first lot of uni marks and had not yet shared them with her dad. Weekend partially ruined. SD17 got off with oh I changed phones and was so busy all the time. This from someone who rarely goes out. MMmmm.
- Date nights. Big problems historically ranging from sulking to ringing her mum to complain. We even hired a baby sitter for her when she was 15 even though we were 5 minutes away with mobiles on and neighbours notified.
- Wedding. Mother contacted the day prior via email saying how selfish we were and that SD16 would not be coming. Night before wedding, me worried, him a little sad. Both cheered up and were determined to enjoy ourselves and had a blissful day but the point is another passive aggressive attempt to ruin things.
So my question is why does DH refuse to understand how this affects me? He uses a range of ways to ignore the impact that it has on me like "oh that was history. Don't dredge up history." " its her mother not her. Her mother forces stuff out of her." "Well it looks like she was not able to contact us." I feel like he is now thinking that i am depressed or have issues. Yes I get depressed and feel defeated and sad at times but it is not fair to make that about me.
Honestly generally the situation is improving overall due to the approach of adulthood making it more difficult for SD17 and BM to pull as many covert ops. I think the problem is now me feeling angry and like holidays and good times are tainted by what I call in my own head "the angry mini-wife shadow."
The problem is for me now I am less motivated to do these things in the future. I used to love our coast weekends and now just feel that they are not pure and good any more. SD17 sure makes her presence felt even when she is not there.
I am tired and over it.
We went to the counsellor and I said I wanted to disengage more and she said "Don't go down that path."
What do you think?
What kind of therapist says,
What kind of therapist says, "Don't go there?" Look for another one who specializes in blended families. SD and DH ARE the problem. Yes, you DO need to go there!!!!
Or better yet, ask yourself how you will feel if this situation keeps going on and on for years and insist DH stop this crap. What is going on is NOT distant history. It sounds like it is an on-going, constant problem. You wrote that you have date nights. The phones should be turned off - it's your time.
Despite the appearance of improvement due to approaching adulthood, in most cases the situation actually gets worse when the skids become adults. Believe me - I put up with SD / DH crap for 20 years. SD became more sadistic and mean with every year that past. The best thing I did was to put my foot down and ban her from my home.
I felt that way about
I felt that way about holidays and good events too. They just had to ruin every single one of them. I still hate holidays because of them. I am disengaged but still have that bitter taste left in my mouth!
Not sure what your counselor meant by that comment either. :?
GO DOWN THAT PATH! What kind
GO DOWN THAT PATH! What kind of therapist says that? When you got this therapist did you check and see if she understood blended families...Most don't.
Keep her out of your life, she is now an adult and you do not need to let her affect your marriage....He can have a relationship with her, you don't have to...
Rising, you are SO right! I
Rising, you are SO right! I put up with SD and DH's B.S. for over 20 years. When it got to the point where I didn't care whether DH left or not things started to chnage for the good. The problem is that it took me so long to stand up for myself that the residual effects of those 20 years were much more profound than if I had taken care of it sooner. No man is worth sacrificing your diginity and self respect for - ever.
Thankyou. Good advice. So I
Thankyou. Good advice. So I did tackle this on the weekend! On Friday night in fact.
Every other discussion goes the wrong way so I was proud of myself this time. I stayed calm but kept the facts on the table and described the impact on me. When he made excuses for SD17, I said "It makes me sad when you reinvent history to keep your daughter on a pedestal. It is insulting to my intelligence and disrespectful to the toll it has taken on me, your wife." Silence.
I also recommended that we take it up with SD17 when she is next with us. I said I was not comfortable with so much acting and pretence in my home so that he and I need to communicate about it and manage it with SD17 when it happens.
Felt like a new woman all weekend. We had a wonderful weekend.
Good for you. Like the
Good for you. Like the 'history' comment - he needs to know he can not B.S. you anymore. When you take it up with SD though be prepared. There are two of them, one of you. In my opinion it is DH's job to take it up with SD and BM not yours unless he won't do it. Can you disengage? That way you no longer need to play the games.
Good feedback thankyou. I can
Good feedback thankyou. I can see it may have come across as insulting.
Most of the discussion was fact based and in the detail about what happened prior to our last beach holiday long weekend. DH tends to try to reinterpret the facts, not because he lies, but because he wants to believe his daughter.
SD17 did not respond to his email requesting information or contact him for five days. She also did not let him know her first semester results for 2 weeks. Normally SD17 is very clingy and dependent on DH and lives with us 50%. She only withholds information and her time if daddy does not give her enough one on one attention or does something with me. She likes her dad to herself and communicates to him when they are together. It is hard to believe that a teenager is unable to be near email or phone for 5 days however he went down the path of believing "oh she swapped out her phone." I said that I did not accept that and wished he would hold her accountable to be consistent and not tell lies. I also said that it made me sad that he had paid for a first class education all the way and we have bought all uni text books, laptop etc and that to punish him she does not mention her marks. Disrespectful.
I also like the disengagement plan and will be doing more of that. If he wants to believe the stories he can. My issue is when she pulls the withholidng affection games, he then seems to want to fork out more money as a response. Last time she withdrew affection and then asked for a $2000 trip by throwing the form with information on the couch beside us.
So over all of that. I struggle to sit by and watch and then dig into our bank account inevitably. At the moment she is playing hard ball because we have not been giving in to requests for more money.
I can understand why you
I can understand why you would be ticked - she is using your money as well as DH's. You don't owe this young woman anything. Do you work? If you do, separate the bank accounts. Let him pay her money from HIS account.
How does swapping out her phone make it impossible to call? If she lives with you 50% of the time she must know your number. You wrote you were thinking of disengaging - good idea. That way DH can deal with her on his own. And since you will not be talking about SD he won't be able to make excuses for her.
You stated in your original post that she is rather clingy and wants Dad's undivided attention. The good thing is she is 17 and she will soon be living elsewhere most of the time. Whatever you do, do not allow her to live with you when she is an adult.
SD17 has signed up for a
SD17 has signed up for a double degree so I can see very little chance of her moving out for another five years. Her BM has coddled her so she has few life skills. DH and I have pushed at our end for driving lessons, part time job and tasks like doing her own washing but it has been an up hill battle. She struggled with socialising so we pushed for social outings which she has now improved on.
DH and everyone tells me that it is typical that this generation do not move out early and that is true. Wish I had a plan around that but I feel powerless. I would be the bad guy if I pushed for SD to move out. There is an option of college. She is in first year uni. In reality although I can control my emotions and communicate the impact, I have less say than the parents in how their child progresses and that is how it should be. The tough part about being a step parent is it is like the lotto. In my case, SD17 is attached to her dad and stay at home girl. I know that I could have inherited a wild one taking drugs and worrying her dad and that would have had its own issues.
I am afraid my future is likely 5+ years of SD17 at home. She has talked about travel for example but there always seems to be 20 reasons why it is not happening rather than why it can. Its going to be a long few years.
SD17 has been getting
SD17 has been getting $100/week as part of financial settlement, at time of separation, since she was 13. Sadly I think DH thinks that was keeping money from BM and buying him love from SD. They got accidentally pregnant 18+ years ago. Need I say more?
Over time DH has seen that this is crazy but its all too little, too late. SD17 has been gradually assigned tasks but she did not have them before. To me that is like a D- in child psychology. Give the child lots of money to just turn up and breathe and then once you marry the wicked step mother, set the child some tasks that clearly the wicked step mother has demanded.