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SD wedding

Beanieboo's picture

Hi, is anyone suffering with the nightmare issues of an adult SD?

I have endured years of rude behaviour and been spoken to like an absolute piece of something on the side of the pavement.

Not backed up by DH, sadly. I should have e been stronger from the very beginning. Trouble is almost 20 years of this bad behaviour!

SD will be getting married. I would like to say this is a relief and that someone else will be taking her off our hands.

What's the view of wedding etiquette and who should contribute financially?

I have declined the wedding invitation. This is absolutely the right choice for me and my wellbeing. 

My own children who are grown up are not invited.

This is the third engagement to someone. Money for a wedding has been parted with previously.

Just feel like this SD nightmare is very lonely.

Unless you experience it no one understands.

ESMOD's picture

It somewhat depends on how your household finances are set up.. whether you are equal contributers to a joint finance situation.. or whether you each maintain your independence.  Obv.. in the latter case.. none of your funds need to be given.. 

IMHO.. even in non-steplife situations.. IF the parents of the couple want to pay for weddings.. or some of the costs of weddings.. that is fine.. and somewhat traditional.  For subsequent marriages? No.. I don't believe parents are obligated to pony up for their child's party.. at that point.. the "kids" are likely well into adult hood and their own earnings can support this.

NOw.. if it is the other party's first wedding.. their family can contribute as they wish.. but I don't see much of an obligation for 2nd or 3rd.. etc... weddings.

If your DH is well off enough to manage a nice gift... maybe 1k cash.. that is his choice.  And.. if your finances are separate.. and he can well afford to do more?  it's his call really.. but I would not feel any obligation if I were in his shoes.

Winterglow's picture

Wedding etiquette these days seems to depend on hw much the bridezilla can terrorize her entourage ...

Here's my opinion - the wedding and engagement should be entirely footed by the happy couple. In this day and age, neary everyone is working and there is absolutely no reason for either set of parents to get fleeced for a huge party for their kids. 

In your case, this isn't even her first wedding so it's time she woke up and realized that she will only be getting the wedding that she can afford.

By all means, if you choose to send a small gift then do so but you are under no obligation to even do that. THe fact that she has treated  you badly for so long would remove any sympathy I might have for her. You reap what you sow ...

Are you asking these questions because your DH wants to bankrupt himself paying for his princess's dream? If so, remind him that the money would be better saved so that you can have a bit of fun travelling (or whatever you enjoy) when you retire. If the money is coming from joint funds, put your foot down HARD! You worked hard for that money, why should it be thrown away on an adult brat's whim?

Beanieboo's picture

Hi, I just want to correct myself. This is third engagement. SD has never made it down the aisle.

In the past SD has owned a property, the DH helped her with. Three years later the property was sold. Cars, if DH brought me a car he would by SD a car. I knew that this wasn't normal. I was very happy with my car and was not expecting a car.

I work and have always worked and made contributions toward fianaces.

Three years ago SD needed money for debts, not a small amount. As a thirty year old woman who behaved like a child. I put my foot down and said no. We did offer help but we did expect transparency about the financial mess. SD was not prepared to share this information and said it was none of our business.

Very odd when you asking for a large amount of money.


ESMOD's picture

So... these days.. it is not uncommon for even first marriages to be paid for by the couple.. especially when they are fairly well launched in their careers... but.. it's a bit of a grey area and plenty of adult kids have their first weddings paid for.

I would think the bigger deciding factor would be your own household finances... can your husband foot the bill for this without causing your household to suffer financially.. now or in the future?  Even if finances are joint.. would you have considered that he had a larger share of contribution.. so could have some more proportional say in how it is spent? (though every couple can handle this viewpoint differently).  

For an adult, working child who has been well provided for in the past via cars and a home? (and other financial assistance).. I might suggest you discuss a set amount for her.

Let's say.. he says.. 10,000 is what I am going to give you towards whatever purpose you want to spend it.. wedding.. pay off debts.. downpmt on a house.. it is totally up to you.. but I am setting a cap and limit on my financial support.  She needs to hear this sooner rather than later.

You are not attending.. and that is your choice and one I support.. given her treatment.. you aren't going to enjoy celebrating anything about her.. but while it would be better if your DH did better at supporting you and pushing back on her poor treatment.. allowing him to be in his child's life is not unreasonable.. and a choice I don't think we should make for our partners.  The fact taht you would have otherwise been invited.. I don't think he needs to stand on that soapbox as a reason to not pay for some of the costs.. if he has historically promised he would?

Again.. I think the lump sum.. is the way to go.. perhaps she will be totally selfish and not have a big wedding at all.. keep the money for herself!

Beanieboo's picture

We do not have an endless supply of money.

I do think a contribution is the right thing. Life would be hell for me! I am seen as the bad SM anyway.

I think being a SM or SD is a tough one. You cannot do anything right.

You can give a million excuses for bad behaviour, but it's just not acceptable.

SD met me for coffee a few years back, told me I am not someone she would have chosen for her dad! I replied with "your not what I would have chosen for a SD!!! It would not matter who the woman in her Dad's life is she would not like them.

The best thing for me is no contact, which has been achieved. You do get ground down though, it will be different this time. You know it won't and you know because the behaviour has never been corrected that you have to face this monster SD.

Everything can be fine and while my kids are not perfect, I would never allow them to be disrespectful. They know it as well


justmakingthebest's picture

I would sit down with your husband and figure out what you are comfortable with. Keep it a dollar amount, not something like "we will pay the caterer/bar/venue" because that can spiarl fast! I would just give her the check, tell her this is her wedding gift and what you are able to contribute to the wedding or honeymoon if they decide to just elope! Call it a day. 

CLove's picture

Sounds like she is a total SD-zilla.

Get together with husband and decide the appropriate amount with your given finances to "gift". That way its a finite amount with little to no interaction or discussion. Anywhere from 1-5 k MAX.

However - the big picture is that you are not alone in this terrible experience. There are too many stories with the same elements. Reading around on here, especially the main Blog section - this whole wedding financial conversation is very common. Not going vs going and looking your absolute best, booking the spa day instead of going and being treated badly and humiliated.

I have 2 Sd - SD24 Feral Forger - who knows what will happen. She claims she will never have children, but apparently she likes children...but who knows, shes cray cray.

Good luck to you!

Beanieboo's picture

Hi, thanks.

It's all very crazy and a bit scary to be honest.

I have no doubt that me not attending is the right one. For my own wellbeing. Booked a holiday with a friend and our two dogs.

Rags's picture

Regardless of etiquette.  If prior weddings, consumated with a ceremony or not, were paid for... then the bride and groom are and should be on their own.

The deeper question, IMHO, is why you have tolerated this shit parent as your mate for 20 years acting as his sacrifice to his failed family breeding mistakes?

Stop that. 

Take care of you, boot his ass.

Harry's picture

You are doing it for DH. Not for SD.  But you have a DH problem..  You get a car SD must get a car?  
I would make sure the gift is small.  There's a wedding coming up.  They must be super expensive today.  IDK what they cost today with prices going through the roof 

Beanieboo's picture


DH seems to be more excepting of the fact I am not attending.

We have agreed a contribution amount.

I have taken on board lots of the comments, and some good points.

The relief I feel is amazing. So glad I could say no.

I am sure some SD drama will follow.

Winterglow's picture

I'm glad you've found a solution that suits both of you. I'm not surprised you feel as if a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. 

If/when drama ensues, just remember that both of you agreed on this. Now, if SD isn't happy then that's her choice to be unhappy - nothing you can do about it. If she needs more money for her weddingfest, tell her to get a second job. Her fantasies of grandeur are hers only.

Beanieboo's picture

Hi,  yep here we go again with the repeat cycle of drama! All for attention...

Ringing DH about her high powered job and how she needs to leave. Well leave and stop dumping on DH. You are a 36 year old woman with a supposedly supportive fiancée whom you are marrying next year. This really is what happens when SD craves the attention from DH and wants some sort if access to DH wallet.

Trying to not be tuned in and hoping that DH can log off as well.


Oh it's never ending at times.

At least I see all the other stories I know I am not suffering alone 

Patience2000's picture

I was not invited to steps wedding last summer because I voiced my opinion that wasn't asked for. My DH didn't go...used me. I was not happy, I thought he should pony up and say he wasn't going because he was tired of going. This is the third or fourth, depending on legal vows or not. Anyway, you are not "suffering alone". 

Beanieboo's picture

Hi, the wedding isn't until spring next year.

It's now all the build up and demands, drama that's already happening.

DH has been pretty good at now excepting my decision. He's hopefully not getting to involved in the latest drama of SD. 

DH needs to take a step back  let SD figure life out and know that this is how a grown up handles life.

If we can maintain this calm we have at the moment. I do feel it's the calm before the storm! Maybe SD has got her teeth into someone else now I longer her supply! I Don not envy the MIL to be. Anyway let SD become someone else's problem and not mine.

Gosh this SP of adult children is an absolute nightmare. Not one I would repeat or I would certainly done things differently.

DH has without a doubt created the situation over the years. In all honesty the situation is tragic. A young woman who makes things difficult, could be part of a happy environment. SD doesn't even like my children, they haven't been invited to her wedding. Although in the past she's said that they would not be welcome.

What I am saying is that SD is one unhappy person and that's so very sad. 

But as someone pointed out in a previous post I am not not the one who should suffer.

Respect and respect for one's self. Feels quite liberating to say no thank you.


Rags's picture

Happiness is a choice.  

SD being an unhappy person, while sad, is entirely her choice.

Let her learn from her choices.  Her father needs to let her figure it out.  Together, you and DH need to choose happiness and living your best life including defending it from SD's life long wallow in misery.

Her choice.  Neither you nor DH should tolerate it impacting your lives.  SD is a Skidult not a minor.  This is on her.  As you said, you should not suffer. So, refuse to suffer.


CLove's picture

Ive got SD24 Feral Forger and really do not look forward to the day she decides to get married and have children. UGH.

Sadielady's picture

I'm personally praying my SD 32 doesn't have kids. It would be a nightmare for the kids, and for her. When she and her toxic husband split (and they will), she's going to need a clean break.

Patience2000's picture

Try to ride the wave. I gave my unwanted opinion about this 3rd or 4th one, and was not invited to the wedding. My husband did not want to go, so he used me as an excuse, I told him that was not fair. It caused quite a stir in the family unit, that will never be mended. My opinion (that you asked for), is to just let it play out.

Patience2000's picture

You asked about helping pay for this? NO and No and No.


Catmom024's picture

Hopefully your finances are separate,  or your DH is practical and honest about how much $$ he gives her.  But, chances are this wedding won't even happen. 

It's a wise decision to not attend.   I won't be attending any weddings for my S.O.'s kids.  

MorningMia's picture

Knowing that he is cozied up to when it's "pay-out" time, my DH did well and only offered $5,000. We both went to the wedding, and we were both treated like we had leprosy. I was edited out of all of the photos. *biggrin* It was a day we, unfortunately, will never forget. We left the reception early and didn't look back. 

My view is to contribute the bare minimum to skids who can't respect their father enough to act decently to his spouse and who seem to resent his happiness.