SD Wedding.....
New here, need some adivse. Here's the background, Husband was married for 6 years, had a daughter, got divorced. I came along 5 years after divorce with my 2 year old daughter. SD lived with us 1 week and with mom the next, 2yo lived FT with us all was well till about 18 with SD then it changed rudeness, hatefull to me and SS and dad just let it happen for fear of SD not allowing him in her life. Constant source of frustration in our marriage but who am I to tell him how to parent? Fast forward to present day, we've been married for 18 years, I've tried so so many times to be friendly to SD, helpful, even to the extent that my husband has asked me to stop. SD just flat out hates me, no reason why. SD gets engaged on a holiday while shes with her mom's family, waits till the following day to tell us. And I saw it on FB before she told us but didn't say anything to hubby or he would have lost it. So I was prepared, he was not. I've dreaded this day for the last several years... SD expects us to pay 1/2 of wedding, which was small and is now huge, and here's the rub:
SD sent a text message to SS 6 months after being engaged telling her she already had brides maids but wanted her to be an usher?? A damn Usher? Slap in the face for SS and I and I'm done. No more allowing SD to disrupt my life because she doesn't like me or my daughter. Yet I still have to support Husband, and he is struggling with the entire situation. He just wants everyone to get along, I have given up. last straw for me, and have put my foot down. SD is not welcome at my home if she can't respect me. Also, wedding budget from my household has been cut in 1/2 from original amount if she's gonna treat me like that I'm not giving money....
I guess my biggest issue is how in the world am I supposed to deal with the constant impending doom looming over me and my husbands relationship until this wedding takes place? What am I in this whole thing, she's made it clear by actions that there's no place for me or SS, am I accepted into pictures do I get to sit with my husband at the church. Next issue is that I refuse to speak to her, for fear of saying something that might dammage her and Dads relationship, causing even more exclusion. This girl looks all nice and pretends well in public but she's a horrible person... Disrespecting to her father and doesn't care about anyone but herself. And did I mention she's almost 30...... I wish I could boycott the event but i feel that my husband deserves my support. SS is ok with the situation and says Karma will get SD, I just can't be ok with it... Help...
Hi, sorry, ment ss for step
Hi, sorry, ment ss for step sister, maybe not the right term. I'm not her friend on fb but we're from a small community and I keep seeing her crap pop up, and it really hurt, well all of it really hurts. My dd declined an usher position as there is another sister in the picture from sd's mother and she is the head brides maid (the other sister is actually 3 years younger than my daughter so I don't think age is playing into it), just not a nice thing to do in my opinion. If we're paying for part of the wedding our imput should be taken into consideration not left out and not heard.
I feel very hurt and disguarded after all these years of being there, all the support I offered over the years has been what appears to be not worth anyting to her. Or it feels like that anyway.
I don't know what to do to help my husband through this, he's stuck and miserable that SD has acted this way and did express his dismay and discust with her but at this point he's just sad and doesn't know how to act around her or me... I know this shouldn't be about me, but that's just how I feel. Sad, disrespected, unwanted, and well just depressed.
As far as the wedding day, that's the plan, but I would like to be mentally prepared for how it's going to happen. Because I know there will be blips and hurt feelings which I'd like to avoid if possible. Just so I know what to expect I guess.
At least you're in no doubt
At least you're in no doubt where you and your daughter stand with her. So if she's expecting both of you to pay for half of it, that amount had better reduce to a quarter. If she doesn't want you then it's perfectly reasonable to assume she doesn't want your money
I am facing a skid wedding soon as well, so I totally get your worries over the day itself. Set your boundaries before you go in terms of what you will and won't accept. Are you prepared to sit on your own during the ceremony or do you want him to return to you once he has walked her down the aisle? Are you prepared to sit on your own during the reception meal or do you want him with you and your daughter? Think through that sort of thing then make sure your husband knows exactly what will/won't be acceptable before you go. He needs to have your back and be right by your side.
Seperate finances
DH can decide what he wants to spend out of his money. SD gets to choose who she wants for her attendants. People can decide if they want to accept usher or other jobs.
"DH can decide what he wants to spend out of his money."
After he pays his share of household expenses and makes his monthly deposit into his retirement, what is left is 'His money'.
For the millionth time, when
For the millionth time, when you are married, there is no such thing as your money and my money and that's it. By far the majority of us here on this site are not millionaires. The majority of us, like most SMs, try to get by the best we can. And, when we marry, just like any other married couple, yours and mine largely becomes “ours.” It is a necessity, for the most part. Even legally, to some degree, two become one. Credit history becomes shared, for example.
Granted, children from a previous relationship have a BM and dad that they consider parents. Fair enough. Most dads contribute court-ordered or legally arranged child-support. Also, fair enough. However, no one should go around acting like a husband can spend whatever he wants on his children, no matter the age, without it affecting his wife or without permission from this spouse. Spouses seek out the other’s input on more expensive purchases all the time. That doesn’t go out the window just because of the term SM.. Weddings, in particular, are quite expensive, and if dad is contributing even $5,000, for instance, that will affect not only him financially, but it will impact everyone else in the household too.
So, it is never as easy as “dad can do whatever he wants with HIS money,” or dad has buckets of HIS discretionary money lying around to the point that he can throw out $20,000 here and another $5,000 here, and his wife be damned. This might be true for the top 2% of income earners in the US, but no where near the real world for the rest of us.
Few things to clarify.
Few things to clarify.
Yes we do have seperate finances and seperate accounts. We have bills each specifically pays, and a slush fund we travel out of. We both work like crazy and enjoy how we live. He works a full time job, and is a coach in the winter, and I work a full time job and own a business I run on the weekends and we both run the family farm as well. His first marriage ended so badley all he got to keep was some ratty old recliner and 1/2 custody of his daughter. I came into our relationship with a daughter, a good job and a lot of debt I had to dig myself out of from being a single parent. I get his position. And I agree with it, if that had happened to me, loosing the home I purchased myself to an X I would be guarded too. Fast forward to now and we've been blessed to be able to say we officially own our home no payments to be made, our vehicles, a business and other things that we don't owe on so our slush fund can grow. I feel that I have a right to say his daughter will receive 1/2 of the original amount promissed because that is coming from our slush fund, 1/2 mine 1/2 his. We've been together almost 20 years and how we do things works for us. Not for eveyone but for us it does.
Now the original post was ment for guidenance on how to deal with the daughter... She's alieanated myself and my daughter to the point we do not desire to see or even hear her name for that matter. She's a grownup and should know better than to act this way. After reading some of your comments I decided to dissengage and it has been working so far, but time will tell. I agreed to attend the wedding, but did stipulate that I will drive seperately and not be treated like crap the entire day and be expected to smile through it. All of the guests will know when they see a sibling not involved in the wedding how she is and the whispers will start.
Holidays have been eliminated from the schedule for the bride to be, she is not welcome in our home if she can not accept ALL of us, end of story. No more gifts for christmas, no more me cooking a ton of food for her and the fiance while they enjoy time with dad in the other room. Me cleaning up all the mess while they enjoy somemore visiting... NOPE. I'm DONE.
The chariott has stopped at the station and the princess is getting kicked off weather she likes it or not.
I appreciate all of your insite and advise!
Good for you!!!
"After reading some of your comments I decided to disengage and it has been working so far, but time will tell. I agreed to attend the wedding, but did stipulate that I will drive separately and not be treated like crap the entire day and be expected to smile through it. " "Holidays have been eliminated from the schedule for the bride to be, she is not welcome in our home if she can not accept ALL of us, end of story."
The 'story' is about emotional survival and mutual respect - which you deserve in your own home. Either DH will be forced to handle the situation as it should have been in the first place, or you will remain disengaged and SD will refocus her anger about the divorce back on him where it should have been in the first place. . Either one is more rewarding than what you have been going through. I can guarantee you that you will not be sorry. I've been disengaged just like you are for almost 9 years. It gets better with each year that goes by - if you stand firm on your boundaries.
Thanks for the update!
Its tough to create and enforce bounaries with people who wouldnt know a boundary if it smacked them upside the head!
So, good job creating those boundaries. The next step is consistently enforcing them.
Good luck in your journey!
I don't think your daughter
I don't think your daughter was entitled to be an attendent. It sounds like there has been some rift going on for a while and who knows what the source really is. Things like that rarely happen without some underlying causes.. maybe she saw too much or percieved favoritism for your daughter at the time? maybe dad wouldn't spend money on her as she felt she was due.. at this point.. hard to say.
I think your DH needs to decide what/if he wants to spend towards his daughter's wedding.. from his own finances. He can tell her.. I am giving you X amount ($5K example).. if you want to spend more.. your mother or you can make up the difference. period.
Your daughter can decide if she wants to be an usher or not... it's her decision.
I personally wouldn't go to
I personally wouldn't go to the wedding. I know your H wants & needs your support but I refuse to place myself in a situation where I know the other person doesnt care for my existence Your H can figure out what to give her as far as the wedding ( I wouldn't contribute not one cent of my money on her). Disengage from her and your H has to figure out a way on how to deal with his mess of a daughter.
You mean well by trying to help him through this but there isn't much you can do. You can't control his daughter and how she treats him. He's gonna have to go at this on his own and build boundaries in order to protect himself.
Well, now all the cards are
Well, now all the cards are on the table. You know your H's adult daughter doesn't want a relationship with you; you know she has next to no sisterly feeling for your bio daughter; and you know you can't count on your H to hold SD accountable for her poor behavior.
Congratulations! This is actually very freeing stuff. You know the truth, and can adjust your life accordingly. Stop hoping things will get better one day. Accept SD's Choice and drop the rope, permanently. Mentally recategorize her as someone you used to know, make her soley your H's problem, and move forward. Stand firm in your truth, regardless of what your H might say to draw you back in.
Acceptance and Disengagement are my superpowers. They've brought clarity and peace to my life, and are a step parent's best friends.
Well said
Good for your DD for refusing the usher position. It appears your SD thinks because it is "Her Day" she reigns over anything to do with it. I wouldn't give her a dime of your own money towards her wedding, and would insist DH not give her anymore than what was originally agreed upon. If DH wants to go let him but really --- do you want to go to the wedding of someone who dislikes you like that?
As Exjuilie wrote, you are free. SD made your mind up for you. While DH is at the wedding DD and you can have your own 'Liberation' celebration.
When my SD got married I was disengaged. DH went to the wedding. I didn't, and I've never been sorry for it.
SD wedding
I want to be you Exjuliemccoy. But having trouble with my disengagement strategy. I think I worry too much about what other people think.
I wouldn't contribute 1 red cent to the wedding. Nothing you can
say or do will make her like you or change. Her father, like many men married to the ladies here, suffers from "divorced daddy guilt." Many of us have suffered at the hands of our "adult" SD's without DH's intervening. It's a sad reality when you realize your own husband places SD in a higher position in his mind and heart over you. Your DH's mini-wife is behaving precisely like so many I have read about, visited about and even the one my DH raised. It is a living hell you'll have to learn to navigate to keep your sanity. Oh, and just wait until SD procreates, and can use her offspring as leverage. She will, do not doubt me on this one.
All you can really do is, first and foremost, not take it personally. She'd be an asshole to anyone her dad married. IT IS NOT YOU. You do not have a problem. Next, sharply pull back on anything you are doing for her or to accommodate her. This is known as disengagement. Do not engage in conversations or communications of ANY KIND WITH SD. It will always be twisted to make you out to be the problem.Just refuse to take part in their sick game.
I know in the beginning it's a surreal feeling. Your mind is having to take in a lot, that you never saw coming. So very many of us went into our marriages just hoping to love our husands and be loved, and have a good life together. Unfortunately, there is a "mini-wife/divorced daddy guilt" pandemic going on, and it's not a club any of us are happy to be a member of. Many of us have excellent marriages outside of SKs, but let's face it, THAT IS A HUGE OBSTACLE, especially if your DH doesn't jump off the "dadddeeee train" and climb on board the "husband train."
Peace, sister.
I'm not disturbed by SD not
I'm not disturbed by SD not asking DD to be bridesmaid. Not every bride asks her sisters. I am not really close to either of my sisters (full sisters; intact family), and I asked two friends to be my maid of honor/bridesmaid. My friends and I had talked about being in each other's weddings since middle school, and I didn't want more than two attendants. I asked my sisters if they'd like another role (kind of like SD offered DD an usher role). One chose to do a reading, the other chose to be the officiant. No snub was intended in not asking them to be bridesmaids. It may be that you're perceiving a snub of your DD when one doesn't exist. A bride doesn't have to ask her siblings to be in the wedding.
What I think is required of the bride in this situation is to treat you as her father's wife. You should be included in the invitation. You should be seated with your husband. You should be treated kindly and with respect at the wedding. Your HUSBAND needs to make sure all of that happens, and if it requires a potentially uncomfortable conversation with his daughter before the wedding, he should have that conversation. I also do not think YOU should be contributing to the wedding. If your husband wants to, great. But it should be HIS money, not yours, and if you have combined finances, you should have a say in the amount given.
Very good advice from
Very good advice from Capricorn, disengage, lower your expectations and don't let your SD get to you!
Give what you and your DH agree is a good amount based on the situation
Then go and be classy, have a great time, smile and be positive and waste no energy worrying or paying attention to your SD
Re: this, “am I accepted into
Re: this, “am I accepted into pictures do I get to sit with my husband at the church,” you should definitely sit with your husband throughout the entire event(s). Any other married couple will be seated together at the wedding. End of story. Separating a woman from her spouse at an event and hooking up her husband with some other woman is asinine, to say the least. This is the year 2019, and not 1919.
I’m sure you did not marry this man so you could play sloppy-seconds at every future family event. When mom and dad divorced, they gave up the right to be a joined-at-the-hip couple. They are still parents, for sure. But, BM, SKs and other family members no longer get to just place dad with BM any time they choose.
It totally bugs the h- out of me and I find so incredibly discriminating in this day and age that couples can attend any event in the world and not even think about whether they’ll be seated together or not—it is a given. The one exception are SMs. They are supposed to just, “suck it up and take it,” and let some so-called adult SK (or BM) separate her and her husband whenever they feel like it. This is total BS.
Regarding pictures, the same. If other married couples are in pictures, then you need to be with your husband too. However, I would keep in mind that the bride and groom may want at least a couple of pictures with just mom and dad. That’s fine, as far as I’m concerned. I get that part.
Tell your DH you will go with him as long as he treats you like his spouse vs. an intruder. This can happen, unfortunately, where a DH will go with his wife to a wedding, and practically go out of his way to avoid her like the plague, which of course sets the bar even lower for everyone else in how they should be treating SM. This happened to me, unfortunately.
It is true, you cannot control who the bride or groom picks for this or that. But, under no circumstances should you have to pay the price for someone else’s divorce to the extent that so-and-so gets to annul your marriage for the day or for the hour. You, nor anyone else, should be stuck alone, sucking it up and taking it for so-and-so’s “special day”--that for some odd reason seems to hinge on pretending someone else’s relationship or marriage doesn’t exist. Not the best way to start off a marriage, that’s for sure. No one has the right to decide that you and your husband don't belong together at an event just like every other husband and wife, if even for one day or one hour.
Bring your own car, so DH knows you mean business. If he defaults, get up and leave. Don’t make a scene. Just get up, go to the car and leave. Turn your phone off. Or, go to the bar next door and sing karaoke with the boys. Sing your heart out until you feel like going back home.
'SD expects us to pay 1/2 of
'SD expects us to pay 1/2 of wedding'
WTF?!!!
Yeah not in this lifetime
Yeah not in this lifetime
I'm not one to tolerate this
I'm not one to tolerate this crap or let it go unconfronted. I would make sure to attend the wedding, sit with your DH and not let the day go by without SD seeing you and your daughter with your DH every time SD peers in daddy's direction. Your DD should not be an usher. DD needs to not be relegated to a servant position but should be with you and your DH for the event right up front where the father of the bride should be.
You and your daughter hit the spa for full meal deal make over, your favorite salon for a new hair look, and your favorite clothing boutique for a very sylish new outfit and go loaded for bear. DH should do the same and go looking fresh and energetic.
Do not fade into the background during the wedding and reception or the rehersal dinner. No need to make a spectacle of yourselves but for sure do not tolerate being marginalized.
Have fun. Be radiant. The toxic cockroaches will run just like their insect bretheren when a light is thrown on in a dark roach filled room. Be the light. The cockroaches will run.