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SD getting married; expected to be excited

Seven Years's picture

Hello - I found this site last night while googling adult SD issues. I'm still getting used to the acronyms, so please bear with me and I appreciate the opportunity to join this group.

I'm mid 50s and on my 3rd marriage. I have no kids of my own and never been in a relationship where I had to deal with kids from prior marriages. My DH is also mid 50s and this is his 2nd marriage. We have been married since May 2018.

My DH has 3 kids (he was married for 22 years). He 'had' to marry his ex because she got pregnant. However they had 2 more kids after that. Ex wanted a divorce and left him (moved out/filed for divorce) in Dec 2014. That is when I met him and we liked each other right away. It was refreshing for me because the relationship was easy / no game playing and he often says our relationship is lovely because there is no drama.

Except for the kids.. more specifially SD. Kids are now 28 (SD) and two boys 25 and 21.  21 year old has emotional issues of some kind but very bright, also seems to have severe depression. Middle boy is ok although is he is in the military and we rarely see or hear from him. SD is another issue altogether...

I did not wreck this home. We met very close to them moving out BUT ex wanted the divorce and moved out with all the kids in 2014 and they went willingly. DH tells me SD was interested to learn he met someone (me) and seemed to be at least curious (I think it was to report back to her mother).  I moved in with DH a year after I met him in 2015  but I didn't meet her until her b-day in Nov of that year. That was a treat - let me tell you.. as soon as she saw me her face set in stone and although she was sitting down next to me she physically turned her shoulders to make it obvious I was being snubbed. She was 23 at the time and her boyfriend was sitting next to her. 

While not as bad as some of the folks on here have been experiencing, it's enough to really upset me as I haven't done anything to deserve this. There have been at least 10 other instances where she has indicated either through snubbing me or just plain outright being rude that she's let me know she doesn't approve of me.  DH has sometimes rationalized her behavior but has also tried to get her to tell him what's going on. In my opinion he hasn't gone about it the right way. While he is a very intelligent man with an important job at a large company, he seems to fold abit where his daughter is concerned. I'm not sure if it's because she became critically ill when she was a little girl and they almost lost her. SMH. 

As I mentioned there have been other times (keeping in mind I rarely see her) so that means just about every time I did interact with her I got some type of frosty snubbing. Things have got slightly better in that the first few times she was obnoxious, out of control at a family get together, to the point of making everyone feel uncomfortable. When we got engaged in Dec 2017, we saw her brother first (middle son in military) and told him, we were trying to tell each kid in person as opposed to a text.. As SD lived 300 miles away, brother was the first one we saw. When brother told SD we were engaged, she went off, texting her dad and having a go at him staing she felt left out.. when he tried to explain that we wanted to do it in person she texted 'I think it's weird and stupid.. but congrats!'. Yeah ok.   DH rationalized it by stating I think her feelings got hurt, she feels we were leaving her out.. hello ?? this is supposed to be a happy occastion??!

Our wedding was very small. I have no family here and I was just happy to get married. So the wedding party consisted of DH's sisters (who are great) his mother (nice lady) and SD. SD acted like it was a funeral. She didn't smile, take a photo or even give us a card. Of course she stayed for the expensive dinner before walzing off to a party. And passive aggresively, she made the day all about grandma, fawning over her and ignoring my DH and me as much as she could get away with. DH maddeningly said 'well she did drive 7 hours to get here'.. yeah right, morbid curiosity and to report back to her mother...There is not one wedding photo where I am smiling properly. I felt so self-concious with her eyes boring into my back.

There's been one other time where my DH was on speaker phone with her and she was arranging to come into town to meet DH and her brother.. she said 'why don't we do something just the three of us'. I heard and my DH looked at me and said to her 'and (my name) too..' she replied 'oh.. yeah'... I was so hurt and yes, humiliated.. Enoughs enough..

Now SD is getting married and brought Fiance over to tell us on Sunday. Strange after the drama she provided when we told her about our engagement, she made us the last stop to tell the news before going back home.  Although she is 'decent' to my face now, I feel she is putting on a show for her new fiance to present herself in the best possible light. On the surface she's acting like everything is fine, but when left to our own devices, she'll never make conversation with me unless I force her. When they left on Sunday with 'you must come and visit.. really you must'... DH looked at me and said smirking I guess you're going to FL for vacations and you're going to a wedding. I glared at him and said no I'm not. We already talked about the possibility she'd marry this guy and I told him I'd sit it out. DH's sister knows and she said carefully 'you'll be sending a message'... will I? SD doesn't give a Cr** about me so would I really be missed? 

DH and I talked some more and although I was grumpy with him on Sunday I explained to him I'm struggling with my emotions about this. I have tried to tell myself I no longer care as it would be healthier for me not to care, but I'm also struggling with resentfulness over my wedding and how she acted and now I'm expected to be happy and excited for her cos she's such a wonderful young woman. In addition to this, I'd have to face his ex at the wedding and she is a drama filled 'hater'. 

If you read this far, thank you. It's been cathartic for me to get this all out. 

 

SeeYouNever's picture

I wouldn't sit out the wedding since it's going to be a long trip for your husband and I wouldn't give SD the satisfaction of you excluding yourself.

I would go in support of your husband and be the sweetest, kindest, most charming you can be to the other guests. Show them that everything SD told them about you is a lie >;)

FinallySkidFree's picture

I would not only go to the wedding, I would be dressed to the nines and hanging onto DH's arm the entire time with a beaming smile so bright it won't be missed in ANY of the photos. I would dance with DH, laugh, make conversation with all the guests and snub SD every chance I get. "I'm just here for the cocktails!"

 

notarelative's picture

You don't have to be excited. You just have to plaster a smile on your face and get through it.

I totally understand why you'd want to sit this out. I wanted to. But, I didn't. I smiled and got through the festivities. Did it change anything in my relationship with his children? No. But, my presence and actions that day did work to my advantage with family. Think about it carefully. What is your end game? What do you want for the rest of your marriage? 

Aniki's picture

^^This.

Many is the time I plastered a smile on my face and soldiered through. My DH and I are partners in our marriage, for better or worse. He has suffered through both of my beeyotchy SILs and my insufferable brother-in-law's behavior with a fake smile and non-argumentative, pleasant attitude. And when things were not going well with the skids and we had them over for Christmas, I considered it a gift to my husband. For me, it was merely a few hours out of my life. For my DH, it was huge.

While I very much understand why you don't want to go, do think about the fact that it IS only a few hours and might mean a lot to your DH.

  • Attend as your husband's wife and partner
  • Find an outfit that makes you feel soooo good about yourself
  • Take time to do your hair and makeup
  • Be proud to be at your husband's side
  • Be gracious and polite
  • Show that you are above the pettiness and BS and will not stoop to SD's childish level.

Hopefully, this will be SD's only wedding!

diver111's picture

I understand this is frustrating. I have a SD in her 20's. I could go either way on this - go or not. Do what you want to do, not what others want or expect you to do. My new attitude is that I don't go anywhere where people make me feel uncomfortable. I surround myself with people who care about me. 

Cover1W's picture

Yes you should go.  Agree with the others. However, give a gift?  Optional. A card?  Probably.

Stepdrama2020's picture

I hear you on not wanting to go, I wouldnt BUT what all the ladies have said on here is correct. Go as your DH's gracious, beautiful, loving wife. Gaze adoringly at your husband. Smile brightly to SD and BM, make sure all will see how wonderful you are. Kill em with kindness  Wink

Be sure to shower the bride and groom with happy wishes infront of BM, and the grooms family. Let them see what a liar SD is. Remark weddings are the best times to bring everyone together for such a happy occassion.

Be prepared to not be part of pictures. If they take photos of DH, SD and BM together, rush up just before and fix his tie and say "ok picture perfect hun". Act like you are just so happy. Do the total opposite of how BM and SD are hoping you will be. They want you miserable, will try anything to make you uncomfortable, dont let them! 

Seven Years's picture

I understand what everyone is saying and I PROB will go (sigh) but the thought of it all tears my stomach up literally. It just sucks to be in this position. She's in a lot of my wedding photos doing the typical prom queen pose with hands on hip *ugh*. I can't even look at my wedding photos without cringing. Also, I and I hope it passes, but I feel a litlte differently about my husband since all this happened on Sunday.. I can't help it. I hope it passes. He's on a business trip right now and quite honestly I'm enjoying the solitutude. I kind of feel like she's the way she is (overly confident and brash) because he enabled that with the upbringing, making her feel like she's something special. She's pretty and very very bright and she knows it.  He also told me that growing up there was a lot of drama with the neighbors. BM, his ex would pick fights with the neighbors and the SD got into it a couple of times with co-workers, just arguments I think, nothing physical, but the cops were called etc etc., I think he knows she's a drama queen and he's critized her before to me and I think he does see what she does to me but I think he's just hoping she'll outgrow it or something. I guess there's no other way but to suck it up and go to the wedding. DH's ex will be there and that's something that makes me nervous - I'll have my work cut out for me at this wedding.

Mamabearof3's picture

Pour all your money into making yourself look great. Let hubby by the gift. Smile non stop and just act like you don't notice any of the disrespect. I know it's hard. 

Missingme's picture

I think you're losing respect for your husband. Been there. It comes and goes. I know that sick to your stomach feeling when contemplating being around the princess SD and her sisters and contemplating being around their manipulating mother. More outings are on the horizon. So I would go to the wedding and do as others have suggested. Take sheer pleasure in annoying the hell out of the SD and her mother! I know it's feel better staying home, but if you want to stay married, go. If this has already passed, use this for the next torture session! Wink

ndc's picture

I might not be excited, but I'd attend the wedding in support of DH. However, I'd make it clear to him upfront that you expect to be treated as his wife, seated with him, not excluded from photos a wife would normally be in, etc. Let him know that if you are not treated as his wife, you will not be staying.

So far it doesn't sound like SD has done anything to you that's so over the top that it wouldn't look petty (particularly to DH's family) to skip the wedding. There's no way I'd attend a shower or anything similar where DH would not be with me, though -  SD doesn't deserve that.

Gimlet's picture

OP, the ladies above have given you good advice.  Aniki is a PRO at this.

The one thing I will say is that "vacations" to visit SD are not vacations and I would not waste a moment of my vacation time or resources to spend it with her.  That's something your husband can do alone and I am sure there will be the siren call of grandskids in the future as well.

advice.only2's picture

I would attend in support of my husband only as long as I was invited. My DH's Spawn will probably marry at some point, if she hasn't already and should she invite him I have a feeling the invitation would not extend to me or her half siblings.

Seven Years's picture

That's true - I hadn't considered I won't be invited... that would certainly solve the problem.. but I'm thinking I'll probably be invited cos as I mentioned SD is on the charm offensive, Fiance and his family have money and if nothing else she's about the money so I think he'd question why I'm not invited, but you never know ....

Mamabearof3's picture

My husband wouldn't be allowed to go if this were the case for me. Not that I believe he would consider it under those conditions. 

Seven Years's picture

As these comments roll in (and thank you everyone!).. I do see the majority tell me I should go to the wedding for DH, which (sigh) I probably will do. Will I enjoy it? Most likely not but I guess I'm becoming resigned to it. I hope it won't be for a while yet. 'Vacation's' at SD's house - meh, prob will still sit those out.

Aniki's picture

There is a chance you will NOT enjoy it. Then again, it might not be as unpleasant as you anticipate. 

Take it from one who knows: there were moments when I mentally AND physically bit my tongue. But the biggest thing was more of a test for ME and my willpower. I CAN be the bigger person. I will NOT lower myself to his/her/their level. I basically wrestled with my little inner demon and came out on top.

Look at her! She's NOT the monster they claim. She's quite a nice lady. And I've seen SD be a real beeyotch, so it sounds like more SD drama...

Again, this is only a few hours of your time, which is relatively short in the grand scheme of things. You can liken it to a necessary, but undesirable work event and treat SD like a crappy coworker. Be pleasant, be polite, and don't give out any personal details.

shellpell's picture

Can you get your hair and makeup done professionally for the wedding? And have a glass or two of champagne to loosen up? I find when I look my best and have just one or two drinks, I can have a good time anywhere.

Seven Years's picture

Yes, hair and makeup done professionally is a must for me. I may even go a couple of steps further and get a few fills for the lip wrinkles and crows feet.. DH hasn't been too thrilled at my mulling over the wrinkles but he may say ok if he thinks it'll make me dread this wedding less lol

Aniki's picture

Hon, your crows feet and lip wrinkles mean you have lived! Think of them as laugh lines or character lines. You are beautiful just the way you are. 

Seven Years's picture

You're very sweet, thank you. You guys have made me feel better, I was really bumming til I found this site. Thank you. Really appreciate the words of wisdom and humor Smile

Birchclimber's picture

I totally agree with the majority.  You need to go!  BUT, you also need to read your DH the riot act beforehand.  If he is anything like mine used to be, he may leave you spinning in the wind as his dear daughter rushes him away from you to visit with other guests.  Make sure that he understands that he is NOT to leave you on your own, at any time, regardless of who is tugging on his arm to pull him away.  You are his wife, partner, and other half.  You need to show the united front.  IMHO...  Good Luck!  You've got this!

 

Missingme's picture

Agree!!

JRI's picture

I've been where you are with the added charm of doing all the wedding plannig for SD and us paying for everything, all the while working full time, going to night school and keeping a five-kid household going.  My flash point was encountering BM and I made damn sure I looked as good as possible.  After shopping everywhere, I found the perfect dress at Saks - dont know if you remember the Dallas tv show but they kept showing me " Miss Ellie" dresses but I bought a " Pam".  Lol.

All went as well as could be expected except at one point I found myself sitting alone at our table, can't remember where DH went.  But, as the others said, go in support of your DH, look wonderful, be polite and civil to everybody and in a couple of hours, it will all be over.  As a 76yo veteran of steplife, believe me, this is the first of showers, weddings, christening, birthdays, etc.   Go, look good, be civil -that's my mantra.   Vacations involving SD?  Flat no.

 

Merry's picture

Go as DH's partner, as others have said. Just be sure to talk it through with your DH. Have a plan that he doesn't leave you on your own for very long, that he introduces you to people he knows but you don't, that you leave after a reasonable amount of time, and whatever else is important to you or will ease your anxiety about it all. If you suck at small talk like I do, be prepared with something.

It's all about image control--you want people thinking that your DH is LUCKY he upgraded to you from BM, and what a delightful person you are.

It doesn't sound like fun for sure, but go with the attitude that SD can't push you out. You and SD don't have to have a relationship at all, but she does have to respect you as her father's wife. And he must insist on that too.

 

simifan's picture

You're the wicked stepmother. Embrace it. Get your hair, makeup and nails done. Don't forget the sexy red dress. Dose yourself with liberal glasses of wine as needed. If the bride is that b!^%$y - make the wine red too.

Seven Years's picture

Now that I'm resigned to go this wedding (prob in FL) - the thought occured to me late yesterday that maybe I won't be invited? This young lady has a history of snubbing me (although lately with Fiance in tow, she's better at being more inclusive). Her mother will be there (she's her mother's daughter).

Last time she tried to exclude me from something was about 18 months ago - DH was on speakerphone with her and they were coordinating dates to see her brother 'why don't we go out to dinner, just the three of us?" I heard and DH shot me a look and said pointedly 'and (my name) too...'.  The response was 'oh.. yeah, 'k.'.

If I'm uninvted, DH will be torn, I know and I'm going to feel terrible if he still arranges to go to this wedding without at least confronting his daughter.. if this happens I'd probably be compelled to tell him 'congratulations  you've raised a wonderful daughter'..  (sarcasm).

I'm aware I might be worrying unnecessarily, but still....

Stepdrama2020's picture

Yes you may be worrying unnecessarily. However the past behavior of SD is not forgotten and chances are this mothers daughter will behave in her true colors. So i get the worrying, that happens when you are dealing with toxic people.

If you are uninvited, so be it. At least your DH will see how shitty she is. My guess though she needs to look good infront of fiance and his family so you will be invited. Lucky you . The toxic BM will actually like you being there so she can rub salt in your wounds, its fun for them. BUT you already have a plan. Looking gorgeous, happy, and the devoted upgrade from BM. 

Also if you are uninvited I wonder what DH will do?

Seven Years's picture

I really appreciate all the insight all the posters have given me on this forum - it's helped me to put this in perspective. I do worry about what DH will do if I don't receive an invite. I'm inclined to think he'll challenge her but he still may fold and go without me..

About 4 years ago, she had been so cr**** at a family get together for her brother leaving for the military that my DH had had enough of her behavior. We arranged to go out with military brother and his girlfriend to dinner and SD got wind of that and texted him 'I'm confused, do you have 1 kid or 3?' very sarcastically (other kid was a sullen teenager at the time and a little hard to get along with - I believe he said he didn't want to go). My DH responded to her 'well until you learn to behave, you can stay home'. There was more texting drama and push back and I believe it eventually blew over but I've not forgotten that at all. And by the way she was 24 at the time....

Zenmode's picture

.

Missingme's picture

Uh, it's always assumed that one's spouse is invited  to everything. You're as One. Therefore you plan accordingly.

Kaylee's picture

You have got some great advice from the lovely ladies on here.

I'm going to be different and say, I would NOT go. Your SD sounds like a bitch and doesn't deserve your attendance.

I would gently explain to H that I don't go to events that I know are going to be stressful and make me feel uncomfortable. I'd tell him to go, have a wonderful time, and I look forward to seeing the photos.

Then I would plan something nice for myself....a night out with a girlfriend for dinner maybe.

That's just what I would do.

Seven Years's picture

Yes, definitely a b**** but hiding it well at the moment as she looks down at her 2.5 ct diamond ring (yes she made sure to tell us the carat weight).. but as much as I don't want to go especially how she acted at my wedding, I decided I didn't want to drive a wedge in between myself and my husband. I told him last night I'd go BUT I was going for his benefit not hers and said don't go off all night and leave me there by myself .. he seemed to understand. I can't thank everyone enough for their support - I was pretty much reeling on Sunday after I found out about this, but everyone has helped me so much to put it all in perspective. 

 

Disillusioned's picture

Sounds like your SD is jealously insecure about you

Beleive me I have two SD's (and a nasty SIL) and a lot of these situations are tactics they have used too!

Used to be confusing to me but after 23+ years of dealing with them, I recognize much of what you said as just that! 

Her face set in stone from the first moment she met you? Yes for sure she was feeling threatened. Maybe you looked too good for her liking, or maybe too perfect for her father, or she was simply being a stuck up snob. All three apply in my situation with my DH's family so it could be any one of the above or all of the above for you LOL

That whole thing with her turning her shoulders away, so basically sitting with her back to you? That one actually made me think of someone I used to work with (rather than DH's family). This collegue was very insecure of other women and whomever she felt threatened by, she would do that very thing to them, but in a boardroom setting. More than one good-looking, high-performing, other female would have to deal with this sort of infantile behavior from this co-worker of ours (myself included) In the end we simply decided it was something to be complimented for rather than insulted....it wasn't that we didn't measure up to her standards, we went over and above them and it showed her up which she didn't like. So, when your SD does this, tell yourself it's a compliment - you just make her really insecure about herself

As for the snubbing and rudeness, oh yes I've experienced much of this in the last 23+ years and I have found the best way to deal with those who make it clear they don't want you in their lives, is to give them exactly what they "want". Your SD's choice, her loss, her decision. Don't chase after a relationship with her. Give her what she wants. Disengage. Always be your charming, poite and best self of course, all while paying no attention to her as much as possible. Happily chit-chat with all others in that space who are not toxic like her, and have your best time ever. When your SD realizes that her behavior does not affect you or your happiness and successes in life in the slightest, then you take away her power to lash out at you. If she continues, you won't notice or care anyway! And the only one upset or behaving in a shameful way will be her

When DH & I were married I had insisted both SD's be a big part of that. Since we were married overseas we paid to fly these (by then) two adult women there, for their hotel, their dresses and wedding gifts from me. YSD threw a fit because DH & I wanted one moment alone on the "wedding holiday" and OSD, ya she sat there at the wedding night dinner sobbing openly just like this was the worst occasion ever. I hadn't even noticed until my best friend and matron of honour mouthed the words "WTF" to me at one point, and then I looked over and saw the scene from OSD. Everyone was looking extremely uncomfortable at that point. Thank goodness with all the noise and music and conversations going on, we could carry on like it wasn't happening. 

Do the opposite for her wedding. Go and look beautiful. Be bubbly and happy and cheerful and dance all night with your DH. Make some new friends. Don't bother with your SD. This is exactly what I did at my OSD's wedding. And she did EVERYTHING to make it miserable for us. BM way up front near the head table with DH & I sitting at the back table (you know where you put the non-family, or relatives you must invite table) she snubbed us like garbage all night even when at one point I was face to face with her and cheerfully congratulated her/told her she looked beautiful, I got athe stone cold non-verbal glare. Well I partied that night! DH & I danced, my FIL kept asking me up to dance LOL to the point I got more stone cold stares from OSD, and finally full out interruption on the dance floor when YSD decided to rudely step in and starting dancing with FIL instead (I guess too much attention for me they couldn't handle it LOL) I chit chated with people we knew and liked, made new friends. 

So go for it girl!

Enjoy your life

Do not let those who are full of envy, jealousy and insecuries take away your happiness. 

I spent a very long time trying to win over my SIL and SD's. I always thought that if they just realized that I was a good person, trustworthy, nice and wanted nothing but the best for them that they would come around. Until I realized that they already knew this, and it only made them despise me more. They did not want a relationship with me. Not because I didn't measure up, but because I showed them up in their eyes, and they therfore decided this was a war and the only way I could ever make them happy is if they elimated the 'competition' 

There is a saying about sometimes when you've won the battle you've lost the war - well at this point I would say it applies in their case

 

Seven Years's picture

Wow, Disillusioned she actually cried at the wedding table? Yikes! I thought my wedding was bad.

I really appreciate your perspective (as everyone's on this site - you guys are great). However, I'm not sure what she'd have to be jealous about? She's very pretty and very intelligent and mummy and daddy both gave her a great upbringing, wanting for nothing. She's late 20's and I'm mid 50s with all the baggage and wrinkles to go with it.. lol, what could she possibly be jealous of?

I liked your comment about being at the back wedding table where they sit the relatives they have to invite.. lol - I've already figured out BM and DH will probably be at the table up front next to the headtable and I'll be relegated to the table by the kitchen. You're right, I should try to be really outgoing and have fun -- I'm more of an introvert and as soon as I feel uncomfortable I tend to clam up and I can't say anything - I've always been this way.. hopefully I'll have a few months at least to practice for the 'happy' event (sarcasm).  I've already told DH that if I have to go, I'm going as my best version, which means hair, nails, makeup, whitened teeth, filler etc lol.. I don't feel like having the BM give me the once over and found wanting. 

I know, I should focus on me and not them.. I'm working on it Smile

 

Birchclimber's picture

My YSD cried through our entire wedding ceremony.   All of our family wedding photos have her all puffy eyed and sullen looking.  She acted as though she was at a funeral. OSD never cracked a smile through the entire event.  They were 20 and 25 at the time.

There is no way that you and DH should be made to sit apart during ANY portion of this wedding.  Make sure that he confirms that ahead of time.  Let him know that if the seating arrangement has you two apart from each other,  you're leaving.  You are his wife!  You should be by his side...at all times.

Seven Years's picture

Oh that's terrible. Wow. I'm so sorry. To have two of them behaving like brats at your wedding. I hope you were able to enjoy at least some of your special day.

I kind of feel like she'll have us sitting apart because it'll prob be her doing the planning with toxic BM. I don't think HD will be happy at all about that.  I feel like I'll have to cool my jets for a little while and take a wait and see approach. I've bent his ear enough about this since we found out Sunday.

Merry's picture

My SD cried too. And my SS was high. Fun times, fun times.

But she perked up for wedding pictures. She's on one side of DH and me on the other. They are holding hands. Her own DH isn't even standing next to her. Same exact thing for pictures from another family wedding -- she's next to DH holding his hand and her DH at the other end. SD and DH look like the couple in both cases. But my DH can't (won't) see it. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

You must cherish those pictures  *bad*  geez!!

What a golden memory of your big day. I think SS being high would be far better than a crying SD. Talk about embarrassment and a debbie downer. DANG! Dont get me wrong being high is not cool, but the crying eww

Disillusioned's picture

Wow that's crazy Merry! Sad

My YSD also had 'family' photos of her with BM and DH together which is perfectly fine, totally get that....but the smug look on her face. When I see her wedding photos on our digital frame, that smug smile says it all!!

Missingme's picture

Hell to the no, you will not sit apart from your husband! Can't even imagine he'd allow it. 

Disillusioned's picture

She may be pretty Seven, but that doesn't mean she isn't just plain jealous of your relationship with her father. Or maybe she really is just a big stuck up snob...certainly sounds like she was raised to think she is super special

Either way, you have the right attitude and I'm sure you're going to look fabulous and have a better time than you think! 

DPW's picture

Here's something to hopefully help you with your emotions about this: it's not personal to you. I could be the woman in your shoes and she would be treating me the same way. It's circumstantial. I know, I know, easy enough to say but that should be your new battle shield or invisble cloak - it's not about you. She sounds like an entitled, spoiled, delusional child. 

Take the high road, keep her at arm's length, never trust her and set your boundaries that YOU are comfortable with and hold SD to them. 

Seven Years's picture

SIL (DH's sister) said SD would do this to anyone that her father got involved with, I was skeptical but it's probably the truth. It's a real shame, I told my HD she could have had an extra person in her life (me) to care about her and help her if she ever needed help but she skuppered that with her stupid behavior.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I've told my DH that I am not a second class citizen in anyone's life or family.   Just because I'm "that woman" doesn't mean I've accepted that I am an automatic target for other people's uhappiness with whatever they are unhappy about.

Anyone with a history of disrespectful behavior towards me loses the opportunity to continue to do it.  I've got better things to do.

If your DH complains, ask him why he expects you to tolerate disrespectul behavior?

SacrificialLamb's picture

I typed my comment above then went to read the other comments. I can understand being newly married that you do not have the experience of going to these types of events, so it's uncertain what is going to happen.   I will tell you what happened to me.

When my OSD got married 15 years ago, she, YSD and BM had formulated plans ahead of time on how to snub and embarrass me.

- they tried to get me to wear white to the wedding (I'm not that stupid)

- BM herself tried to get me to sit in the front row next to the walkway....she would rather have me embarrass myself then have the best seat for her own daughter's wedding

- they sent one of their family members on BM's side to ask me who I was (at the reception). "I didn't see your name in the program; I was wondering who you were since you were sitting in the front row."

If you have people like these in DH's family, miserable people who like to plan how to make you feel bad, then don't go. Your marriage will take a serious hit if you see your DH stand by and do nothing. My DH even chased his OSD and told her she was a fantastic person when she told him to "F### off" and he wasn't welcome to see the grandkids. This was after he finally told her he did not like some of the things she had done in the past. 

We have a comfortable marriage but I wouldn't call it a good one. We are pretty much companions. I lost a lot of respect for my DH after watching him stick his head in the sand for so many years.  That's why his DDs are the way they are - BM did all "parenting" and DH stuck his head in the sand.

Seven Years's picture

SacrificialLamb - I feel for you - this is exactly why I worry.  What you went through at the wedding had me thinking all over again, whether I should go or not.

DH came back from a business trip and I brought up the whole sorry topic again - we went back and forth and he ended up telling I didn't have to go if I didn't want to, we weren't arguing and he said it calmly. I told him my fears that I'd be relegated to a table with the grooms clients and people that have to be invited and DH replied maybe we should only go to the wedding itself and not the reception. Nothing's been resolved. SD is marrying a groom of a minority faith and she'll have to convert  - she was talking about it on Sunday.. so I anticipate this wedding is a year away.  Compared to what a lot of folks go through on these boards it probably doesn't seem like much, but I have the added enjoyment of meeting the BM to anticipate -- and her reputation precedes her. 

 

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

It's one thing to go to the wedding if you have a husband who never fails you and always has your back.  Then, I say go ahead just to support your man.

I didn't have this.  I had a SD that had been doing things since day one meant to cause division between me and her dad and a husband who was too stupid to see or too proud to admit his Pretty Princess(tm)was capable of such.  She even used the bridal shower plans as a way to cause division yet insisted I go to wedding and bridal shower TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR HER MARRIAGE after working continually to destroy mine.  Irony anyone?

Of course my family was snubbed including dear old dad who helped pay for it.  I saw this coming and refused to attend.  Unfortunately my kids were IN the wedding and committed deeply.  I believe the only reason she put them IN the wedding was so I would be out in the audience completely and utterly alone as one snub after another flew under the radar like so much incoming flak.

I didn't go, but I took my daughter to a beautician for professional hair and makeup that was better than the bride's.  My daughter looked like a Disney Princess the only thing missing were the little talking bluebirds flitting around her head and shoulders.  She had a very elaborate do with ribbons and flowers woven into it.

Instead of going to the wedding, I picked up some food for some seniors I knew who wanted to get together for lunch.  This was far more rewarding than going to a place where everyone hated me.  

My daughter hated the dress she wore and took clothes with her so she could change right away.  Pretty Princess had a fit about it but my husband, God bless him, told her to back off.  Maybe he did notice the snubbing because they left right after dinner and only one or two obligatory dances.  Regardless, I was unforgiven for a goodly number of years for not going and accepting the ill treatment I was due.  It was the first step on my total disengagement.

SD could have changed and done things right if she wanted to but she never chose to do that and instead used her father's illness and subsequent death as another tool to beat us with.  She doesn't know it and I'll never tell her but it cost her 15 large in the end.

Stupid bitch.

SacrificialLamb's picture

We have similar SDs. I am sorry about the passing of your DH. I am curious how your SD behaved after her father passed away....regrets, money grubbing, crying for attention?

When YSD was diagnosed with cancer, OSD called DH crying - yes, actual tears - because now her sister was going to get "all the attention". OSD was 40, YSD was 38. So I expect little from her in the future.

Did your DH ever get his head out of the sand with regards to how his daughter treated you?

Missingme's picture

Ah, yes, the wedding opportunities to be evil to the SM. The same happened to me at the start of my marriage. The whole sham thing was used by the jealous SD and her pathetic jealous mom to drive a wedge between hubs and I, and damn near almost did cause divorce! The marriage never took place. It was a huge lie to force everyone to get together. I've often wondered if I should've escaped before it was too hard to back out.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

She kind of larped as his widow for a while.  She tried to act like we were all happy family to try and wedge her way in here and shove everyone around again but me and the kids weren't having it.  She tried to say she was going to church and changed but we weren't buying it.  She offered to drive me to cancer treatment every chance she got but it wasn't because she wanted to help it was probably so she could get even more time off from work and look like some kind of hero.

The week before I was going to have surgery she was trying to get her dad to go and see some woman at a hotel that her BM knew back on the day.  He had the decency to tell her no.

After all this, she wonders why we won't speak to her.

Unbelieveable.

Maybe her dad finally got a clue because he would see her outside the home and no longer tried to throw us all together anymore.  IDK don't care we're done now.  He's gone and all his people who had little or no respect for me are dead to me.

 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Dang I felt sad for ya reading this. All you had to endure. YET you conqured the demon SD and yes she is dead to you. What a C***  SD.

These bitches never cease to amze me

Blessings

Rags's picture

side.

We have had that philosophy since we first married. I was at her side during the custody/court battles with the SpermClan, I was at her side during the evolution of her family's relationships, I have been at her side at her high school reunions when she was struggling with her confidence about being the single teen mom at HS graduation even after she had finished her double major BS prior to the 10yr reunion and then after finishing her MBA and CPA prior to their 20year which she/we attended after she had lost nearly 100Lbs, was absolutely rocking her hot life success.  We had traveled to her home town from our international adventures.  I had a few of her classmates approach me and express their HS crushes on my incredible bride.  They were too shy to have approached her in HS and apparently were still too shy to approach her at their reunion.  At both I won "The best Husband" award.  The same woman and I won the "Best" spouse awards at both reunions.  

She has been at my side through my life and career triumphs just as I have been at hers.

If I were you I would hit your favorite boutique for an amazing ensemble, hit your favorite luxury spa for a rockin hair style and make over, and be radiant on your DH's arm.  Radiantly beaming your happiness. The shitty manipulative people will scurry for the dark corners like the cockroaches they are.  Roaches run when the lights are thrown on in a dark roach filled room.

Be the light.  Laugh brightly at any crap they pull, shake your head and give them the proverbial "Bless your sweet little heart" any time any of them slight you.  I understand that it is supposed to be about the bride... but when the bride is a proven heifer of a toxic POS.... payback in a classy way is fully justified and should occur IMHO.

As for your DH, he needs to grow some balls and gain some clarity on his POS daughter and her toxic womb donor.  The "they almost lost her when she was sick as a child" is complete and utter horse shit IMHO.  My parents lost their youngest child when I was 8 and my younger brother was 2.  The baby died of spinal meningitis at 10mos old.  They did not abdicate their parental responsibilities nor did they fail to raise my little brother and I with standards of behavior and performance.  Your DH is an idiot of a father for tolerating his toxic DD's crap.  You need to give him that message.

Have fun being radiant at the wedding and sending the roaches scurrying.  Give your DH some testicular fortitude and some spine.

Enjoy living your best life, even at the toxic SD's wedding.  Just maybe her DF will see the light and leave her at the alter. Never forget that living well is the best revenge.

Diablo

Birchclimber's picture

YES, what Rags said!!!  ...including the "Bless your sweet little heart" phrase at every slight!!! LOL

Seven Years's picture

I'm sorry your lost your brother at such a young age. That must have been very hard for you.

I appreciate everyone's insights on here. I really do. The vast majority advise me to go and be bright and breezy, that's going to take some will-power on my part. DH and I haven't really discussed this anymore since his last comment on Fri 'don't go if you don't want to'. 

In his defense, DH told me a while back when were discussing how she treats me that when she was about 18 (she's now 28 going on 29), that her attitude changed and she became **tchy and snide. He told her she had turned into a 'snot'. He also said she was not happy he told her that and seems to have become worse afterwards. She's close to her mother and moved out with her mother and the other 2 kids when they divorced. DH has also been on the receiving end of snubs - he told me he met the family down in SC for his middle son's graduation from boot camp. he sat with them and they pretty much (even his daughter) ignored him. I guess it bothered him as she brought it up a couple of times to me. However that was over 4 years ago and he keeps saying 'I think she's changed, she's older now' etc to try and calm my anxierty over this. He also told me a while back he feels 'caught in the middle' between SD and me. 

I guess when it boils down to it, I'm resentful because she ruined my wedding with her attitude and now I'm supposed to be happy for her. People can argue I let her ruin it by focusing on how she was acting (or not).. when they left after telling us the good news, she actually reached out to me for a hug and I had now choice but to hug her and tell her congratulations. At least DH agreed with me that I did a good job at acting and pretending I was happy for them. Trust me that was more for DH and not to embarrass the Fiance than it was for her. 

One thing I guess I can be thankful for is 1) at least she's not a minor spending weekends etc at our house 2) she lives quite a distance from us so although we are now getting the 'you must come and visit - a flight only costs $150' etc BS - at least we have the buffer of distance between us. 

 

Missingme's picture

Oh, yes, you'll get those rare warm and fuzzy hugs (on your part), but it means nothing to the SDs. It's for show or, hey, maybe even they get warm and fuzzy moments, too. The last one I got from the B princess (She initiated.) was the last for months. She's hot cold hot cold because she knows I'm not the DM from hell (likeable), but she's also so jealous of my place in her father's life that she can't let herself be a decent human being to me. Definitely be thankful for the time she's not around, but you must realize the bliss won't last forever. That's the sucky part. Things change. And the anticipation of it is brutal. 

Rags's picture

They need to worry about your presence and particularly the radiant, bright and breezy confidence.  Any time you are present your confidence and radiance should clearly cover a take no bullshit perspective that they will experience if they in any way pull their usual crap.

Your DH needs the message that "past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior" so he can get past his "she is growing up and getting better" delusion regarding his failed family breeding experiment. At  least the nasty SD.

I solve the "being ignored": crap by... not being ignored.  I am the observant presence in the room until.... I make the call to inject myself into the event/discussion/situation.  At that point, I am PRESENT and a presence.  Over the years it has been inspiring to see how my DW's confidence has blossomed.  She is naturally more of a wall flower introvert type who has evolved into a breathtaking presence in any situation or gathering.  She always was very noticeable, she just did not have the self confidence to own it.

On the other hand, I have always erred on the side of over confidence.  I still do.  It in all likelihood it has capped my career to some degree, but... my DW has an incredible balance of humbleness and confidence. that launches her into ever increasing opportunity.

I am trying very hard to not revert to my historical over confidence and dominant presence in my current role. I am letting the data speak for me this time around in the approaching twilight of my professional life.  3 mos into a new company and ... it is looking good so far.  There I go again with the over confidence thing.

Pardon

Winterglow's picture

How about gushing, "I'm SO glad to see you happy and finally smiling" at every possible opportunity. She'll hate you for it. 

Seven Years's picture

I love it - that made me laugh! I might try that......*diablo*

Winterglow's picture

Or "I had no idea you'd be so pretty when you smiled!"

The smarter guests will get it ... Smile

Stepdrama2020's picture

BEST LINE EVER!!   LOL

Winterglow's picture

I"m game if you are!

Miss T's picture

Ick, ick, ick. I won't be surprised if I have to face a similar situation in the next few years. I already DGAF about the step's social arrangements, and it will take blasting powder and a whole lot of DH persuasion to move me from my home in the tropics back to the continental US to witness the miserable creature's nuptials.

True enough, you belong by your DH's side. And you've gotten some great suggestions for handling yourself and others during this ordeal. But why bother? I'm with your DH. If you don't want to go, don't go. Life's too short.

Seven Years's picture

My SD is going to be having a Jewish wedding (she needs to convert first). I suspect that my DH and his ex, the BM will have to walk their darling daughter down the aisle, one on either side of her, this makes me think he prob won't rejoin his seat beside me... prob because i'll be seated at the back...

Misisngme mentioned that these SD's are jealous of our place in their dad's life..I just find this really odd.. why aren't they jealous of their mothers? 

Missingme's picture

Because mama bore them. They love their mother. Biology naturally trumps their father's replacement-us. And let's face it, they didn't/don't deserve their parents' failures. When I find myself getting angry/bitter, I remind myself of that fact. Doesn't excuse their disgusting behavior, nonetheless. I think the SMs that fair best are the ones that are super laid back in personality. I'm thinking of the "it takes a village" personality. Unfortunately, I wasn't born in a village. lol

CLove's picture

The mother-daughter bond is really strong. Daughters see the SM as being "on their level", not as a parent to respect. We are competion for dadees love, attention and money. They dont see their own mothers as competition.

Winterglow's picture

Firstly, I admit my complete and utter ignorance of Jewish weddings, but wondered whether the bride would even walk down the aisle...? You may be worrying about a situation that will not happen. 

MissTexas's picture

to agonize over it.

Knowing you're already upset and your stomach is in knots over it tells us so much.

Like you have mentioned, I think most of these feelings stem from what a crummy presence SHE was at YOUR wedding, and how sad is it that you cannot stand looking at YOUR WEDDING PICTURES? That is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. I'm so sorry for you for that.

As for your DH saying "she's older/changed" let me tell you something, that is him trying to assure HIMSELF and CALM HIS OWN FEARS. He knows he sired an ass with a head. Similarly, your DH stating he is "feeling caught in the middle" is not only such a cliche', but his way of making himself appear as the victim of circumstance, when, in reality he is the architect of this bullshit by NOT creating clear and healthy boundaries for his marriage regarding this SD. When a man has testicular fortitude and makes it abundantly clear to his offspring that he and his wife are a UNITED FRONT, he will have a very HAPPY WIFE AND MARRIAGE. On the other hand, when DH's try walking the tightrope of  the emotional juggling act in an effort  to appease SD and DW, it rarely turns out good. If he feels "caught in the middle" it's because he HAS PLACED HIMSELF THERE. The mere fact that any time you have interaction with SD, she is rude, snubs you, or ignores you IN HIS PRESENCE shows you HE IS CHOOSING TO IGNORE IT and he is CHOOSING NOT TO ADDRESS IT, which is really putting his stamp of approval on it. If SD's are not reigned in IMMEDIATELY they see it as their green light to carry on as usual. This has disasterous effects. This is the voice of experience. Let me be your yardstick for measuring this, please.

You mentioned your feelings for him have changed and you hope that passes. Coming from a similar situation with my DH ignoring shitty behavior and passive aggressiveness, I share your feelings. In the beginning my feeling were confusing. I wasn't exactly sure WHAT I was experiencing because I had never had a relationship with a man who had kids, grown or not. Once I began to clearly see what was happening, I realized HIS SILENCE was AFFIRMATION. In other words, choosing to do NOTHING is a CHOICE.  If your DH does not address these issues, your feelings will continue to wane and decline, and understandably so. No woman can feel love and be there emotionally or physically for a man who puts his daughter FIRST and doesn't have his wife's back. Nothing kills the love bug faster than that. 

As for the jealousy issue, it matters not how "pretty" SD is. I have seen so many instances of SD to SM jealousy. I've read countless articles and studies on it. Everything I have read has taught me that the more attractive and educated a SM is, the more THREATENED SD's FEEL. That is THEIR problem, not OURS. The other element that causes  the green monster to rear its hideously ugly head is YOU HAVE DADDY FULL-TIME and SHE DOESN'T and NEVER WILL. You see, these "girls" see us as competition and they are threatened by that. It's really a very sick and sad dynamic. Why can't they just be happy because dad is happy? Honestly, when I married DH, my only motive was (A.) To love him and (B.) To be loved by him. That's IT in a nutshell. I had no idea the twisting  and turning path  this dysfunctional dynamic would lead me down.

Getting to the wedding, you know you are already feeling uneasy about it. Here are some things you should think through and consider; though every wedding and reception are individualized, there are typically parent toasts or speeches. Are you prepared to hear and see BM and DH gushing over their princess? Are you prepared to see your DH lock arms with princess and BM coming down the aisle? Are you ready to see DH dance with SD to their "daddy/daughter" song?  Are you prepared to see past failed family photos (none of which YOU WILL BE APPEAR IN)  that often appear on large tables, collage photos or nowadays huge projected slide shows some people show at their weddings and receptions? Are you prepared to be left out of wedding photos or awkardly . obligatorily, and reluctantly  included? Can you handle being ostracized and isolated from "the family" in the church seating arrangement, and possibly at the reception dinner, if they have one? I present these scenarios, as they are fairly typical of step-life. Even if your husband has balls the size of The NYE ball in Times Square, they often cave to their princesses because it's THEIR SPECIAL DAY. Let's face it, deflated balls are NO FUN. 

If you're not prepared for some or all of the above, I would opt out if you are in fact invited. 

If you are ok with any or all of it, even if it takes alcohol, medication or whatever, to help you get through it, then do it. Be as gorgeous and gracious as you know how to be, and give 'em somethin' to talk about. Out class the bride! Put all eyes on you, and eclipse her silly ass. Do whatever YOU FEEL IS BEST FOR YOU.

There was a commercial not long ago dealing with depression and it showed the lady with a smiley face attached to a tongue depressor stick. The patient would put it over her face indicating she had to put on a happy face instead of facing her depression. I might feel compelled to make or order one and bring it along. It would be simple to create from an emoji. LOL

It's similar to a flow chart in elementary school. If "A" happens then proceed to "B". If "B" happens, explore "C" and "D." You get it.

Personally, I agree with S_Mum above: "I'd rather eat glass."  

Please visit here often and keep us apprised of the newest developments. 

Catmom024's picture

It all depends on your DH.  Will he demand you be treated with respect as his significant other and see through any games they may try to play? Or will he play dumb in an attempt to make SD happy?

In my situation...no way would I attend my SD's wedding or any wedding of my SO's children.   For starters,  their neanderthal step father and I had a screaming match when I pepper sprayed his dog that was attacking me on my bike.  He called me a c*nt and every other name in the book.  So, no.  I don't want to be in the same room as him, or my SO's children.   Last time I attended a social event my SO's kids did a bang up job of making sure he was with them the entire time and I was left on my own.   SD would look over and smirk/gloat.  Her wedding would be nothing but daddy daughter dances, daddy with her the entire time and her, daddy and BM.  My SO is basically an idiot and drools over any attention he gets from his adult children and refuses to see any of the shit they pull.  I would just be treated like a second class citizen the entire time while he played dumb.