Ready for Adult Stepson to Move Out
My DH's oldest son, SS28, moved in with us a year ago. He wasn't raised by DH and we barely saw him growing up. SS later joined the military and was stationed in TX. He was generally discharged for going AWOL then served jail time for domestic abuse against his wife. When he was let out on parole/probation, he failed his drug testing obligations by testing positive for weed and was re-jailed. When he was released last year, I agreed to let him stay with us in NJ to help him get on his feet. I felt it would be wrong to say no and to not at least give him a chance and give his father a chance to have his son under his roof. He isn't rude and he has been paying his rent and doing what we ask of him. That being said, I hate the intrusiveness of having this adult male live with us who is virtually a stranger. I have no bio children and am not used to living with anyone other than my husband. And frankly, I don't like it. My privacy is out the window. Not to mention having his parole officer visit my home whenever he feels like every month. I abhor that on a level I cant describe. I'm ready for him to move out. I want my marriage back, my privacy back and my husband back. SS wants to stay until his parole is over in October 2019. He says living with us keeps him out of trouble and following his parole. But at 28, I feel he should be responsible enough to follow the rules without having to live with his father to do so. DH says he can stay longer than October if he's not ready. I think that's ridiculous. I'm willing to give him another 3 months and then he has to be out. No more compromise. Haven't I don't my part by letting him stay for a year? My question is what's the best way to go about telling them both this without completely alienating the both of them? I know there will be some resentment from SS which I expect, but how do I minimize the damage to my marriage while still making myself heard?
Tell the paroll officer what
Tell the parole officer what convict SS's move out date is. Let the PO manage the convict.
A year is far more than enough support for your DH's criminal adult POS child. AWOL, domestic violence, parol violations, drug use........ Who would tolerate that in their home at all much less for more than a year?
A year should have been
A year should have been plenty of time to "get on his feet", he is now just coming up with excuses, and they will keep coming.
You need to get your husband to understand that his son moving out (the sooner, the better) would be the best thing for everybody. His son needs to stand on his own two feet, your husband needs to let that happen, and you need to feel comfortable in your own home, with your husband.
Your husband needs to stop enabling him or this will never end....but your marriage will.
Op, what was the original agreement
Or offer for him to reside at home to help him get on his feet? I can’t see you stated a timeline.
if no timeline has been given, then i’d be telling hubby a year has been enough and surely he should have been able to be self sufficient by now as he is almost 30 and shouldn’t be living at home with daddy at stepmum. Your husband should respect your privacy too.
To keep the peace the most i would offer is 3 months more and he needs to be out so he better have worked towards savings, stable job and be looking for a home/apartment well in advance of the move out date.. ss needs to be told by hubby clear directions on what more you will tolerate.
that said you are lucky ss actually pays rent and has been pleasant at home (meaning not an arsehole) because alot here have adult skids still living at home on stepparent and bio parents dime
Hi OP, I want to commend you
Hi OP, I want to commend you for doing your part in helping this young man get on his feet. It sounds like what you and DH have provided for him is working. The current launch plan is October and you want to move that up 3 months. I agree that this is reasonable on your part especially since it's already been a year. I propose you offer a compromise that would be a win for all and in everyones best interest.
The interests are:
It would be nice for all involved if ss could make a smooth transition starting now rather than being out in October. Would it work if ss could save up the next 3 months of rent money in order to secure a room/apt in June/July. That way you and DH would be ensuring that he has enough for a down payment, first/last, etc. Or you and DH could help pay the equivilent of the rent he is paying now for the final 3 mos of his probation. DH and ss could find a place that is close so they could still be in consistent contact. DH could help DH stay on the straight and narrow while you reclaim your privacy.
Posters will say he is an adult throw him out. It's true he is an adult but you guys brought him in and made an agreement.
The current launch plan is
The current launch plan is October and you want to move that up 3 months
That is what the SS wants, not what was necessarily agreed on, she is not moving anything up but is willing to give him 3 more months, on top of the year he has already been there. That is quite reasonable.
Since we are dissecting
Since we are dissecting comments; yes, the current launch plan for October is ss's idea. The only thing agreed upon was an open ended loose arrangement that he could stay until he was on his feet. SS obviously interperted that as until he is done with parole. OP has an earlier timeline in mind that she has not yet communicated out loud, yes she is wanting to move up the timeline ss created, and DH wants to let him stay as long as he feels like it.
The problem with this whole arrangment is that there was no timeline in the beginning. "Until you get on your feet" is vague and no one really knows what that means. SS is the only one that one who created an actual timeline and communicated it to OP and DH.
As I have already stated, OP is an amazing woman and should be commended for doing all she has already done for skid. It seems that we are all in agreement so I'm not really sure what the point of targeting my comment was. Please explain what I'm missing.