Pregnant SD and baby daddy moving in
(I'm new on here, so forgive my acronym ignorance) My 28yo SD is 6 months pregnant, currently she and baby daddy are living with her pot-smoking BM and BM's BF in another city. SD has a history of drug abuse, but has been clean for several months. She has been very intense over the years, verbally abusive to her dad when angry, sugary-sweet when she wants something. She has lied to us, manipulated us, and owes us a lot of money that we'll never see again. She has lived with us several times--usually ending in disaster--and has gone long periods of time without any contact when things don't go her way. My kids and I have never argued with her or said mean things to her, but have been the brunt of her wrath many times. She has chosen to distance herself from all of us--including the rest of her BD's family--unless she wants something.
She now claims she's trying to turn her life around and wants to come live with us until baby daddy can get a job here and they get an apartment--supposedly 3 months max. We have a 12yo at home and I'm on leave from my job caring for my bio grandbaby in my home. Grandbaby's dad is my BS and he can't stand my SD. His last interaction with her was nearly 3 years ago when she showed up high at his wedding and caused a great deal of grief and drama.
Husband and I live a decent life and have made it clear over the years that there is zero tolerance for drugs and partying. She insists she has given up that way of life. When my husband and I first speculated that she may want to come here, I told him that there was no way I would consider it until summertime when I stopped taking care of my grandbaby and he was home as well (he's a teacher). Since then, SD begged to let her come here now, claiming that her BM and BM's boyfriend won't stop smoking cigarettes and pot around her even though she's asked them. She comes across as desperate to get away from the drugs and her dad has caved and agreed to let her come in 2 weeks. She promised that baby daddy will have a job within 2 weeks (he has one there now, but little pay). She also says they will only stay 90 days max because she wants them to have their own place. They don't have a car and neither of them has a license because of DUI's.
I'm becoming increasingly depressed over this. Whenever she comes into my house, she acts like she owns the place and has no respect for boundaries. She makes me feel like I'm the one who doesn't belong here and I can't relax and be myself. My BS is adamant that he doesn't want her around his baby, and I don't blame him. I can watch the baby at his house, but then am I giving SD free run of the place by doing so? Then I feel like I'm being driven out of my own house and that she's taking away the last couple of months I have here with my grandbaby. Baby and I have bonded and built a routine that I don't wanted invaded. BS says he wants nothing to do with SD and that he won't come over when she's here--again detroying the family routines that we've created. I've explained to my husband how strongly I feel, but he thinks I'm only looking at the negative and that we have no choice but to help his daughter get away from her mom. He thinks we can be positive role models (even though we always have and it hasn't worked before). We can't afford to put them in an apartment and they won't qualify until baby daddy has a job. Maybe there's no perfect solution, but I just have to vent.
Jesus tap dances now? LOL
Jesus tap dances now? LOL Color me SAVED!
My grandma (from Clarksville
My grandma (from Clarksville TN, mind you) would say to us kids if we were misbehaving "If you don't stop I'll beat your Raw American" - we'd always just laugh until we got her laughing. Then we'd ask her "what's a Raw American grandma?" And she'd say "that would be your ass". OMFG She was so fun!
I miss her. She was 97 when she passed last June. At least I got to see her one final time the christmas before and she met my DH before we got married.
I think she just made it up,
I think she just made it up, honestly. She had her own way about her. And she was loved by so many.
I agree with you about their generation. They CARED about each other. They weren't petty and catty. They all got along. My grandma could tell stories that would make people laugh, cry, think, wonder...
DH was joking around with grandma when we saw her at the nursing home. Made her laugh her famous infectious laugh. My dad said he hadn't seen her laugh like that in months. It was nice to know that even if she didn't know him, she knew I was finally happy and away from the abusive ex husband. Such a wonderful woman.
The girl is 28, I think the
The girl is 28, I think the "positive role model" ship has sailed.
There are plenty of resources out there for her. If your husband really wants to help her, he can help put her in touch with said resources and actually teach her how to be an adult.
^^This.
^^This.
SD has actually come up with
SD has actually come up with resources--she's on food stamps, WIC, and has some kind of "cash assistance" (welfare?) beginning soon. She's looked into housing (I did too to verify her story) and the wait list is anywhere from 1 1/2-2 years. The only program we've found in the area that she could get into soon is a sliding scale, but does require a job.
I've always been the "tough love" kind of parent who didn't tolerate crap from my bio children and they turned into respectful, successful adults. My husband, on the other hand, allows his soft daddy heart to be strung along and feels like he's turning his back on her if he doesn't help. He's gotten much better over the years, but now with a baby-in-the-way involved I can see her playing the games all over him again.
BTW: love the "Jesus" and "American" quotes from the families!
Ok so since you've verified
Ok so since you've verified that she truly DOES intend to turn her life around, give her 3 mos max. Have her sign a lease or contract stating everything she is going to do and hold her to it.
oops...*on-the-way Was
oops...*on-the-way
Was "in-the-way" a Freudian slip?!
LOL Most definitely!
LOL Most definitely!
And those games will get
And those games will get worse once the baby is born.
I wish that's what would
I wish that's what would happen. He's at a minimum-wage part time job that he can walk to from the BM's apartment. It's in a small, run-down town and the housing and job market aren't promising. It's not where they wanted to be but they had no where else to go at the time. He's only quitting to come out our way where they would have more opportunities and be around the responsible/sober side of the family and raise their baby in a better environment. This is the story I'm getting. (BTW: we have met the baby daddy and he seems like a decent guy except for the one pending DUI case; otherwise his history is clean)
Would it be possible for baby
Would it be possible for baby daddy to look for jobs in your area while he's still working at his crummy job?
I know that's what some people do, they interview at jobs at are within an hour or two driving distance of where they live. Then, when they get offered the job, THEN they move.
ETA- Oh wait - he doesn't have a car - never mind!
You need to tell her IN NO
You need to tell her IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that ONE slip up and you will be delivering them to the nearest shelter. period. dot.
There should be ZERO tolerance for anything. In other words they need to be on PERFECT behavior 24/7 or they are out on their asses.
Can they do that? Probably not but that is not your problem.
I agree with this, however,
I agree with this, however, if dad is a softie, a contract is not going to mean much and he is probably not going to evict them.
I often remind my husband about the rights of people living with you and having to actually go through the eviction process to get them out. Just in case he ever thinks about trying to go back on our deal of nobody (SD & company) living with us.
Like boomerangs.
Like boomerangs.
Her dad has already had the
Her dad has already had the zero tolerance conversation. He's also informed her and baby daddy that if they ever touch drugs again--synthetic, legal, or otherwise--that he will become their worst nightmare to make sure their baby is out of that situation and cared for.
I really appreciate all the input from everyone; it certainly helps to have other perspectives from steps. I used to have older family members to talk to about the unique step situations, but they've since passed on.
You may not feel like you
You may not feel like you have any other choice but do NOT let her move in. It's not your problem. A homeless pregnant woman is a first priority in homeless shelters to get placed. Have her check into a shelter. It will be a disaster, you think you are depressed now just thinking about it?
FDH's daughter did this to us as well, Baby daddy got into heavy drugs, stole from FDH and left SD. Poor SD was a single mother now and needed all the help she could get ANDDDDDD got pregnant again. Welcome to my life for the past year and a half. Don't know how I made it through but I did.
She's out now ( as of dec) and just used her tax $ to bail out her cheating drug addicted, felony baby daddy. If she wasn't moving I was. They do NOT clean up after themselves, you will end up helping raise the baby and all the chaos in your home will drive you out. 3 months will turn into 3 years.
I've been in this situation and thank God fdh and I still love eachother. NEVER AGAIN- EVER will I put myself through this. You WILL be miserable and it will cause a wegde in your relationship. Good luck
I agree with she's driving.
I agree with she's driving. We paid for an apartment for SD just so she would quit torturing us. Some things are just worth the money!
Don't do it! I dearly loved
Don't do it! I dearly loved my SD23 before she moved in with DH and I for 2 years while she was in college. Now I despise her. DH and I separated for a year over her and we are now back together but it very well could have ended in divorce.
Find another alternative. You are not the only solution.
This is how I lived to the
This is how I lived to the T..........Exactly- my stuff broken, messes everywhere...stickiness and boogers on the walls and furniture bathroom goes from sparkling to filthy in less then 24 hours-not kidding.
Sd21 would stand at the top of the stairs right outside our bedroom on sat. morning at 7:30am and yell down the stairs to her son who was 3 BY HMISELF to ask what he was doing. I really don't know how I did it. I hated my life and I hated going home.
There will NEVER be peace and quiet in the home yelling, screaming, crying.....
FDH would offer to watch the kids and not say anything-so I stopped helping
I could go on too......
The first time DH informed me
The first time DH informed me that ‘we’ were watching the baby for them so that “they” could have a date night, I said “what do you mean “we” white man?” YOU volunteered to babysit so that the happy couple could have a date night… YOU are the babysitter
I took my DD and we went to the movies and had breakfast for dinner at I-HOP
The last time he volunteered to watch the kid without consulting me first
If nothing else, maybe I can
If nothing else, maybe I can serve as a cautionary tale which will sway you to decide to put your foot down and NOT allow your husbands’ soft side to rule here, don’t let them move in
SS failed to launch
He is now 27 and STILL lives at home
To make matters worse, he snuck his g/f in and out of the house while we slept
December 2010 his 19 year old girlfriend, 6 and a half months pregnant was on OUR doorstep, because her mother basically dumped her
I had my SS and his GF sign an “adult child living at home” contract, which very clearly outlined their chores, their rent, and their move out date
NONE of it was held up by EITHER of them
Only in the last few months, when I gave an ultimatum “me or them” basically, did the GF move out… she flat out said “no” she would not do chores, or chip in financially for rent. So she left
SS FINALLY is giving us money and doing chores
His GF is going to school and will get her degree in January of 2014
HE has three months after she graduates to get his ass out of our house.
That’s enough time for HER to get a job, so that they can get a place together
(she works about three hours a week right now)
I love my grandson, but my youngest DD is 14 and having a two year old around is not exactly what I was looking forward to at my age… If I wanted a baby, I’d have had another baby!
Life is not the same… this situation nearly broke my marriage… don’t let it happen to you
Stop it now, before she moves in
(and as others have said, once the baby is born, it’s a whole new set of games!)
doingitforlove, why? What am
doingitforlove, why? What am I missing here? No man nor marriage is worth what you are allowing them to do to your life. No "love" like that is enough. No man really loves his wife who will let her suffer as you are and be so disrespected.
Again, why? I just cannot fathom a good enough answer...
I admire your sacrifice for
I admire your sacrifice for your child. I hope you have a happy life one day. You deserve it!
Husband and I have just gone
Husband and I have just gone to a counselor about all this. SD agreed to start going as well, which is a huge change from her previous drug-fogged attitude. We are looking into other resources and at least have a plan. I think bringing the counselor (who specializes in family/young adults and drug addiction)as an objective opinion is going to make the world of difference.
Our plan for now is to allow SD and baby daddy to come here with strict boundaries. If there is any indication of drugs, they will be out IMMEDIATELY and in no uncertain terms. Otherwise, if they stay clean, get a job, and go to counseling together, they will be allowed to stay for a short time (weeks, not months). They also know we will become their worse nightmare if they ever begin using drugs after the baby is here. Baby daddy's father may also be willing to help financially--that's another resource we're exploring.
BTW: counselor helped us get SD into detox some time back. Although SD refused in-house rehab afterward, it was at least a step. Counselor believes there is still hope.
Thanks again everyone for the input. Fingers crossed...
It's just never ends , is it?
It's just never ends , is it? :jawdrop: I think my decision to leave my marriage and SD is the right one...I am sorry, I am not helping. I am not sure what to say, I think you have the rights to feel normal and happy in YOUR home. Also I think when SD are involved in particular, our husbands do what SD want and no one care about our feelings and instead makes us feel guilty for not wanting there little f.. angels in our lives....ahh, I am sorry , you still have to deal with this.