Thank you for your advice as you all rightly say it is not going to get better is it - I know that, hence the sleepless nights and worry. The sad part about all this, is it is such a shame as we get along so well together when we are on our own. My two children think he is great, we have a good, open relationship and I asked them directly if they had any issues or problems with our being together, engaged and possibly married. They just both are so happy for us, sent us an engagement card and congratulations and were genuinely delighted.

Needless to say from potential SD, no congratulations, no card, no comment. The question is, do I stick it out, be brave and take issue with anything I am not happy with. Definitely don't get married until this situation either improves or BF makes some changes as hereiam points out. I did take issue with the "leave the room" comment and also the fact of not introducing me at the event. I will talk again to BF, or at least try and make headway explain how unhappy this is making me. To be without him will make me very unhappy, but to marry him and live in that kind of environment I know would make me even more unhappy. An engagement I can walk away from - a marriage, not so easy.

Thank you all again for your thoughts, advice and guidance. It helps to talk things through.

Thanks again. You are all just saying what I know is quite true, sadly I will always play "second fiddle" as they say. The last thing I want is to be her mother - that is not possible, she had a mother and unfortunately she died. When she lost her mother I sent a card, wrote to her I hope nice, comforting words which I know can never alter anything, but could perhaps give comfort. A friend I could be, but never her mother. She quite evidently disklikes me, puts on a front when BF is around, well apart from occasional comments. Told him she likes me - don't think so - I am learning to keep my mouth shut and also not to rise, or make any change in my manner. He waits on her at dinner, she just walks in, sits down and eats, does occasionally wash a plate but nothing else in the place even though she lives there whilst she is home from University. I am not in competition - but feel as though I am entering the lion's den each time I am with BF and she is around. Treading on eggshells. I once left, BF had promised to meet me at 2pm, SD turned up in the afternoon , we did not meet until 6pm. I just went home as listening to her bores me, sole conversation is about her, what she wants, what she needs, etc etc. Also I was mad, I was with my daughter and son, BF was supposed to meet us, he said he would come along and support my son running the London Marathon but of course, SD took priority.
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Strangely, she only seems to have one girlfriend who she sees rarely from childhood school, no University friends, although a long term boyfriend. She asks my advice, talks to me about the boyfriend, chats about her mum sometimes. Her mum was going to get married had met someone last autumn, she asked to meet the BF and me for dinner with her fiancee so it would have been great to have met her, but the sad event of her death meant we never met. Interestingly, in the e-mail she put at the bottom NO CHILDREN invited, in capital letters. She meant the SD, it makes me wonder if SD was always first as far as BF was concerned even when married because that is a strange thing to put in an e-mail inviting someone to dinner.

Thank you for all your ideas. Taking my own apples and juice is a really good idea, also I know change has to happen, or nothing is ever going to move forward. It has just been so good to share my feelings honestly with you all. I feel as though I could be jealous, but I know it is not that. I think what hurts so much is the inconsideration, the dishonesty of it all. BF wants to marry me, but I know I come a poor second to his daughter and that is the fundamental issue - at least I am honest with myself - ha ha! It is whether I can live with that.

Thanks so much StepAside, that is it all - everything that happens.

Doesn't matter what I do or say nothing makes any difference which is why I have given up. I don't comment anymore, I don't join in any conversation unless specifically asked a question, I am distancing myself slowly from any contact with her. I avoid going to my fiancees house if she is going to be there, avoid any kind of social event where she is involved and I have no intention of pandering to her, don't do that with my own two children so will not be doing it with her. If I am asked my opinion on any aspect of potential SD's life, I just comment "you should talk to her about it". I have withdrawn.

This site is just so helpful, to share with others in the same situation or have been. Friends, family would not understand this unless they have been in this situation and no-one has. So glad I found it by a happy accident. Your message has helped enormously, I now know I am wasting my time - it will never, ever be a good relationship. I am the threat, my two children are also a threat, because she now has to share, something she has never had to do. I am not seeking her approval, I don't care whether she likes me or not - what I care about though is the damage she is causing. The relationship is suffering because of her and she knows it, as you rightly point out, it would be any relationship he has with a woman, not just me, that is why I refuse to take this personally, because it is not personal - she cannot stand the fact that she is not the centre of his world anymore.

The latest is for her to go on holiday with us. Our first holiday away and he wants her to come with us, she is 22 years old nearly 23. The thought of two weeks with her just sends me into shut down mode. I just responded saying "perhaps I will invite my two then"? Suggested he just take the holiday with her and forget the whole thing. The thing is, I know she will win, one way or another. Do I make things easy and back out of the holiday altogether? I can go with a girlfriend away for a week, at least that would be good fun, as opposed to spending two weeks with someone who really would love it if her father and I were no longer together. To be honest I am getting to the point where I walk away entirely as I cannot see how this will ever be resolved, because no matter what, potential DH will pander, carry, kill himself to make sure her little world is just as it should be.

Rant over - ha ha! I feel so much better letting all this out. Thank you for helping me.

Hello Everyone,

Well, it is one year and a few months on.....I am now single and left my fiancée and his daughter to it! Things did not improve, got a whole lot worse really. Firstly, we went on holiday, just fiancée and I, was then told I had no right to go on holiday near to where her, her mother and father used to go. I responded that she was entitled to her opinion, but that was all it was, an opinion, nothing more.

Christmas, she decided she was going to a friend of the family, fiancée decided he would go too after saying we would be spending Christmas together. Easter, disaster, came to stay with BF, will not give you everything that was said but basically, she let rip, couldn't hold it in any longer - it was shameful the things she said. Fiancee just stood there and let her, BF joined in. Now, I am a sensible woman and realised I was outnumbered 3 to 1, so I let her vent. When she finally ran out of steam I just slowly said, OK you made your point. You can tell how bad it was, the BF had never met me before he came to stay, but he apologised for the behaviour, the "bad atmosphere", thanked me for all I done and the food etc. Fiancee more or less said he did not realise what was going on???? To cap it all, two weeks later I discover fiancée is on a dating website, oh yes, right.

Needless to say, he is now history, so is his daughter and I am feeling so much better. Have moved in to a little cottage, hoping all will be alright. Just joined a health club and about to try my hand at beginners golf. My family are just so relieved I am out of it. The strain and stress of being in that toxic relationship was far too much - it changes you as a person, you forget who you used to be, the type of person you used to be if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong it hurts to walk away, but slowly I will be alright, putting my faith in myself, my family and friends.

I just felt I needed to understand what happened and I think I do now. I always looked at the forum and felt better knowing I was not alone, thinking I could try other ways, trying to make headway with different approaches. It didn't work.

For all of you who helped me, advised and guided me, I never forgot what you said. To all of you who are having troubles I do hope things work out better for you than they did for me.

Thank you. I just decided not to settle as you rightly say, I decided my well being and happiness came first. Some of the posts on this website are so sad, it is all so pointless really as most of the people here would like a good relationship with their DH and his/her children. DH, fiancées, partners, cannot see the damage that is being done and unfortunately a lot of adult stepchildren, do the damage with vindictiveness and intentionally.